Monday, April 27, 2009

Utah! Motto: Why Is Everyone Looking At Us?

We're coming to you today from the Department of Supernatural Studies here in the marbled halls of IM Central. SS is a division of the Corporation for the Manufacture and Distribution of Psychotropic Pharmaceuticals in cooperation with the Utah State House.

Utah County Republicans defeated a resolution opposing imaginary groups that a delegate claims are pushing a satanic plan to encourage illegitimate births, illegal immigration, animal/human hybrids and "acting all European like."

Whoa. When you're too crazy for republicans in Utah that's like nuclear powered craziness. And we're talking fusion, not fission. That's light up a city craziness. And if that doesn't scare you, think about this: He managed to get a majority of votes in his District.

Don Larsen, a Springloose delegate, offered the resolution, titled Resolution opposing the Hate America anti-Christian Open Borders Good Readers Anti-Comma cabal.

Hey. "Cabal." That Word-A-Day calendar is working out for you, huh Mr. Larsen?

Larsen warned delegates that an "invisible government" comprised of left-wing foundations was pumping money into the Democratic Party to push for looser immigration laws, anti-family legislation, 24 hour Tella Tubby channels, do it yourself abortion kits and pills that make you gay. Larsen said Democrats get most of the votes cast by illegal immigrants, people in dysfunctional families, Evolution teachers and aliens. But it's not the Ferengi who are behind this strategy, Larsen said. It's the devil.

OK Mr. Smart Guy, we'll buy the Evolution teachers and aliens, but how do you explain this: Sarah Palin's family voted for republicans. Families don't get much more dysfunctional than that.

"Satan's ultimate goal is to destroy the current tax structure," Larsen said, "and these people are playing a leading part in it." Larsen's resolution contained quotes from the New Testament on the battle between GM and Toyota. The copy of the resolution handed to delegates stated it "fulfills scriptural prophecies about our times if you recite certain bible passages backwards after going off your meds for about a week. And on a related note, I found out Paul is dead."

May we have a word with the people of Utah's 65th district? Um...stop voting. Please.

David Rodeback, a delegate from American Funk, urged delegates to forcefully reject the resolution, as it would "let Satan know we're on to him." Rodeback said Larsen should push instead for his resolution requiring "Satan Scanners" at all state entry points. "They're sort of like metal scanners," Rodeback said. "Except they only go off if Lucifer is present. Or you voted democratic in any of the last three elections."

Joel Wright, a Cedar Chest delegate, said George W. Bush was able to win the presidency because he had 40 percent of the Latino vote, while John McCain was defeated when he only got 28 percent of Latino ballots. "Well, that and McCain is older than the tree stump Eve sat on to eat the apple. The point is, we are not going to be the majority party if we keep pushing the Latinos out," Wright said. "Larsens' just going to have to get used to the fact that most beaners are catholics."

But Cameron Sevy, a Provo delegate, said the GOP shouldn't be ashamed to say that America is a white Christian nation.

Right. You know, it says somewhere in the bible that Satan's last name is Gutierrez. Bet you didn't know that.

3 comments:

David Rodeback said...

Max -- can I call you Max? -- your version of what I said is much more fun than what I actually said. I'm recommending it to my friends.

Meanwhile, what I'm still pondering is: On which side of the roads should we put those cool detectors at the border? The inbound side or the outbound side? And do they detect Lord Voldemort, too, or just good ol' Lucy and the minions?

By the way, some of the natives call it "American FARK."

Anonymous said...

I may be wrong, but I believe "Larsen" is a Scandinavian name. Hence, millions from Norway, & Sweden have proven extremely open-minded nations, with birth control long before there was universal coverage, claiming advanced technologies , Nobel prizes, scientific breakthroughs and the list goes on and on. Let's also mention socialistic.
I can only imagine how isolated Mormons must keep themselves in order to justify themselves among "their kind" and how they must constantly reduce their members intellectualism so as not to stray and keep their very rich churches, even richer.
One must also marvel at cavemen attitudes where their "sects", like Jim Jones and all his bewildered and duped population committed suicide, "voluntarily" or not. It is a particularly vulnerable period in American history, and Larsen is clever enough to grasp the times, playing on destitution and desperation. This is what Hitler did. This is what truly evil doers abide by to propel themselves even faster into the limelight. They care nothing for the victims they help to create and hope to make even more. Larsen is just one more racist who hit it big as a farmer long ago when his families couldn't make it in their own country in Europe, and obviously, did the immigration hop to USA; probably ill-educated, over-populated absolutely starving from the ravages of disease and despair. How soon these " blond haired immigrants" force themselves and others, and oh so miserly, to forget.
Not pretty anymore; not smart anymore; and certainly so very, very capitalistic. This , oh" holy ones", is not Christ you all tote on your sleeves. It is a dance called the" Rove Romp". Sweaty, big-mouthed and klutzy just seems to get Republicans everywhere.

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Fucking Hi-Larious--oh wait, I am getting a transmission from the Big Giant Head!

You know you can get the rest of this text from Prophecy in the News.