In Which Mr. Maximus Explains It All To Mr. Obama

Back in fifth grade we had to deal with Vernon the class bully. Actually as a bullies go Vernon was kind of low key. If he asked you for your lunch money and you told him no, he would of course threaten to beat you up after school, but he must have had ADD or something because by the time the school day ended he'd completely forgotten he'd penciled you in for a thumping. We guess you could say he was only the bully pro forma because everyone knew how to negotiate their way around him. Still he did beat up Butchie Smith in the cafeteria once, but we're pretty sure that was because Butchie spilled milk all over him. Bit of a klutz that Butchie.

Anyway, we tell you this by way of establishing our credentials in dealing with bullies, and as an introduction to some advice we're about to give President Obama on how to deal with his.

Responding to a firestorm that raged on conservative talk shows and websites, the White House on Sunday announced the resignation of a top environmental advisor who had made fiery remarks about Republicans and signed a petition questioning whether the U.S. government had any role in planning the Sept. 11 attacks.

First bit of advice: We're pretty sure that any "firestorm" that occurs only on "conservative talk shows and websites" can be safely ignored. See, like Vernon, these folks are quickly distracted by the next affront to their rather fragile sense of entitlement and by the time Friday roles around, the evil devil's spawn they railed against on Monday is but a distant memory, lost in the gentle mists of Xanax, Prozac and Zoloft.

Jones had been forced to apologize in recent days for some of his past statements, including a speech shortly before his appointment posted on YouTube, in which he used a vulgar term to describe Republicans.

Now, let's make sure we have this straight. Jones is unlucky enough to be video taped at a speech using one of those derogatory Anglo-Saxon expletives to describe certain unnamed members of the republican party. Someone puts the video on You Tube and it circulates around the interwebs along with umpty gazillion videos of dogs surfboarding and babies sleeping.

Glenn Beck goes on national tee vee, on one of the most popular programs Fox News has, and calls the president a racist who hates white people, and it's Jones who has to resign? Have we about got that right?

White House officials never rose to his defense and took pains over the weekend to distance themselves from Jones' statements and decisions about his status.

See, now this is just a tactical error. Whenever there was a possibility that Vernon might remember he was scheduled to pummel someone, that person never went anywhere without his posse. It's not that the posse had to do anything, it's just that Vernon tended to be a lot more rational when surrounded.

In accepting Jones' resignation over the weekend, White House officials in effect acknowledged that the president could ill afford such damage.

And now we come to the most grievous of President Obama's missteps in this matter. Never, never, never let anyone mess with your homies and get away with it. We learned this first hand from Delores Jackson. The hard way.

In accepting Jones' resignation over the weekend, White House officials in effect acknowledged that the president could ill afford such damage as he was already struggling to win congressional support for a healthcare overhaul.

Yeah, except it doesn't work like that. See, there were some kids stupid enough to give Vernon their lunch money when he demanded it. Those were the ones he kept coming back to again, and again, and again. Once the bully knows you can be bullied then you are his bi...well, you get the point Mr. President, which is you don't own anything anymore. It all belongs to the bully and he gets to say what's important.

But all is not lost, Mr. President. Here's what you do: Get Vernon a job at Fox News. We know he wasn't the most fearsome of bullies, but how much intimidation do you think it would take to get Glenn Beck to pee his pants? In six months Vernon will have those boys handing over their lunch money and reminding Vernon to beat them up after work when he forgets.

There's really no need to thank us, but if an ambassadorship to Belize should ever open up...