Wednesday, September 02, 2009

No Wonder Jesus Went Back To Heaven

Frequent readers of this blog know that all roads eventually lead to disappointment...er...we mean know that we aren't exactly what one would refer to as overly religious. In fact, one could say that applying the aforementioned sobriquet to your humble editors is Ironicus at its Maximus as it were.

Which is why we really like Pastor Steve.
Steven Anderson, who ministers at Faithful Word Baptist Church, said he prays for the death of President Barack Obama in a sermon he gave last month to his congregation. "I'm not going to pray for his good," Anderson said in the sermon. "I'm going to pray he dies and goes to hell." The sermon, which was titled "Why I Hate Barack Obama."
Yeah baby! That's got to be an instant classic. Right up there with the Sermon on the Mount, or John Winthrop's Model of Christian Charity, or Johnathon Edwards' Sinner in the Hands of an Angry god, or Billy Sunday's Booze Sermon.

See, this is what religion is all about and we think the more people like Pastor Steve get on the tee vee and explain it, the quicker we'll all be able to watch football in peace on Sundays.

Allow us to explain. Now, Pastor Steve would tell you that man is created in the image of god, but really it's just the opposite. Think about it. If the good Pastor wasn't a man of the cloth and he got up on a street corner and told everyone he hated the president and wished he was dead, people would nod and smile and slowly move away. The men in dark glasses with ear pieces would come and lead him quietly away for a nice talk. Eventually, Steve would die a broken, bitter man awash in cheap wine.

But, when he gets up in a pulpit and says god told him to hate the president and wish he was dead people are all like, "well, he must have a point. Let's treat this guy like he's actually not a barking mad, bug eyed, spittle flecked whackdoodle. Oh, and we'll give him some money too."

Religion gives people like Stevie here the ability to spew all the blatantly racist, misogynist, homophobic, possibly illegal effluvia that bubbles up out of the fetid swamp in their heads and get away with it because it's like from the bible, you know? We mean, the guy's a preacher, he's got this direct line to the big J. We should give him some of our money.

We're all for that stuff. We think Pastor Steve should have his own series, maybe call it Salvation Unmedicated or something. Let him and his buddies get out there in the national spotlight and talk and talk and talk and talk until every man-jack and girl in the country has heard all they have to say. And before each program the announcer can come on and say, "The following program is brought to you by organized religion, making whatever we want the word of god for over two thousand years."

Stick that in your fatwa Abdul. Kill the infidel? Pull ease. You got nothing on the the Jesus posse!

So if we could do this, after about 100 years or so people might begin to think, hey, this religion stuff, it's just a bunch of lazy people trying to convince us to give them our money so they don't have to work for a living. Sort of like the overlords, except with hymnals instead of greyhounds.

Oh, and by the way, it's not limited just to nutjob preachers.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well absolutley! To fight for "Liberty" means having the "right" (and be paid for it) to exercise their own sexual ways be it in an airport stall or little page boy!
Now, " to wish upon a star" that the President gets assassinated is just one more step up the ladder before the guy crowns himself "King"!
(without the nails, of course)

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Actually there a mess of em on the tee vee: John Haggee, Pat Robertson, the Late Jerry Falwell, and {these shows may no longer be syndicated but who could forget} The Lalonde Brothers, PTL, And that red headed step child with the monkey head---Bob Larson {personal favorite}. And Coral Ridge Ministries---another golden moldy. I am sure there are more. I just managed to block them out like so much psychological trauma!

And for the record, lets not forget that the sharp dressed African American Man with the AR 15 strapped to his back, was a congregant of Anderson and of course graced us with his armed presence at the AZ Health Care Rallys.

Anonymous said...

It's the reason Yoga is extremely popular. now.

Anonymous said...

The Jesus Posse got tossed after Rumsfeld tried to utilize it on President Bush. Sure it worked for him, but it sure did not work for anybody else!

Anonymous said...

Listen...the "Roper Saga" with the mad hatter screeching "it's in the bible, MORON"(greyhounds)....well hey! So is prostitution.