Give Us Your Poor, Your Tired, Your Huddled Masses, But Keep Those Weird Names

Here in the marbled halls of IM Central we enjoy occasionally welcoming friends from the Middle Kingdom (Maotai Running Dogs! Man, them Commies can sure distill the spirits, what?). In an attempt to bridge the cultural gap, said friends have, on occasion offered to teach us certain words and phrases from their language. These efforts have met with limited success, however we are pleased to report that we can say hello (Ni Hao). Good-bye (Zi Zian). Where is the bathroom? (Che-Shou Zai Na-li) and we're working on We are Foreign Devils (Wo shi wai mo). We tell you this by way of establishing our credentials in commenting on the latest bit of cultural sensitivity emanating from the great state of Texas (Motto: Y'all don't look like no Americans).

A Texas legislator, during House testimony on voter identification legislation said Asian-descent voters should adopt names that are easier for Americans to deal with. "Now, I can say Kung Pao's chicken, and sushi and stuff like that there," said state Representative Betty Brown, R-etard. "But when you all go putting all those X's and Z's in your names and such, well, there's just no way this old north Texas tongue is ever going to be able to wrap around that. 'Sides, I'm not even sure X's and Z's are American letters to begin with."

Ramey Ko, a representative of the Organization of Chinese Americans told the House Elections Committee that people of Chinese, Japanese and Korean descent often have problems voting because "you people have an IQ that is only slightly above that of tap water."

"See, now Ramey Ko, I can say that name," Brown said. "Even Wun Hung Lo and Wo Flung Dung, but I think the real question here is why do you Asian people think you can come over here to our country and vote anyway?"

“Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese — because Lord knows we'd have to learn your whole language to say them crazy names right— do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to dumb down your culture to something a fourth grader could handle?” Brown said. "You're in America now Mr. Chinaman. You need to get you an American name. Everybody knows it's easier for a poll worker to write Billie Bob on a voting slip than Zhang Zung Zowie."

Democratic Chairman Boyd Richie said Republicans are trying to suppress votes with a partisan identification bill and said Brown “is adding insult to injury with her disrespectful comments.”

"Ain't nothing disrespectful about it," Brown countered. "Have you seen the people we get to work the polls in Texas? We're lucky if they can read the signs on the restroom doors and they don't end up peeing in the janitor's closet."

Brown spokesman Jordan Berry said Brown was not making a racially motivated comment but was trying to resolve an identification problem. "All them Orientals look alike you know," he said. "We've got to have some way to tell them apart."