Oh, Like You'd Rather Be The Banana Slugs*

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It seems Satan has laughed in Pastor Donald Crosby's face once to often, and now the good Padre has gone all Temple and the moneychangers on old Ned's wrinkly buttocks.

A pastor arrested Monday for protesting Warner Robins High School's "Demon" nickname and mascot says he was just standing up for Jesus -- and he'd do it again.

Yeah, well, see, here's the thing Pastor Don--do you mind if we call you Pastor Don? Doofus seems overly formal. Anyway, the point is you're talking about Jesus here, son of god, the guy who turned water into wine, raised the dead, healed the sick, came back from the dead, you know, god stuff. Now, we're just speculating, but we really don't think a guy like that needs a sixth grade dropout with a divinity degree from Walmart to fight his battles for him. Just a thought.

Pastor Donald Crosby said the school's demon logo just encourages children to evil. He criticized other Christians who, he says, are singing in church while their children are being taught to praise demons.

OK we think we see the source of your confusion. See, when you go to sporting events and hear people shouting "Go Demons" and Yay Demons," they're not summoning Beelzebub, they're using a grammatical construction called a collective noun, in this case the team name Demons. This enables them to efficiently and enthusiastically cheer for all the kids on the team at once instead of having to mention each team member individually. You have to admit "Fight Demons fight" is much more succinct than "Fight Timmy and Billy and George and John and the other John and Mike and Phillip and Rick and Tommy and Fred and Marcy Fight." Also it detracts from the spontaneity of the event when fans need to consult cheat sheets to make sure their cheers cover everyone. (Uh...Marcy?)

A bit of an aside: If Demons is the name of the sports teams, what are the girls' teams called? The Lady Demons? Rather androgynous don't you think?  The Demonettes? Too musical. The Fighting Succubi? Probably a violation of some statutory prohibitions, but back to our story.

"Demons aren't lazy, Christians are," Crosby said.

 That's better Pastor Don. Not exactly the most rousing of cheers, and Warner Robins High School doesn't play any teams called the Christians, but you've got the basic idea.

The pastor says a 15-year-old, who he has legal custody of, is zoned for the school, and he doesn't want him exposed to the name's evil connotations.

Right, because god told Adam and Eve to stay away from the tree of knowledge and following that advice has worked out so well for you.

The boy, who Crosby would not identify, did not start classes at Warner Robins High, Monday. Crosby says he is considering "other options" for the child's education. Crosby says the 9th grader has received threats since he began protesting the demon mascot.

You know, Pastor Don, if the kid is getting threats that means everybody already knows who he is and refusing to identify him is sort of a waste of time. Just saying. Also, making the kid watch Hooked of Phonics videos over and over does not qualify as "other options" where his education is concerned.

School officials say they have no plans to change the name.

Ouch. Well listen Pastor Don, don't despair. If it doesn't work out for you in Georgia, we hear folks in North Carolina are looking for some help.

*Sluglink