Can You Advertise For A Senator On Craigslist?

OK, we think we have this figured out: Basically, no one wants to govern us. You can't blame the politicians really, we mean look at us. On the right, we're a country full of overfed, undereducated bigots who wouldn't recognize their own self interest if it came up and spit on their shoes. And the left? A bunch of latte' sipping professional complainers who are probably on drugs. Did we say probably?

The Democrats have already realized the soft bigotry of any expectations which is why they're doing everything they can to lose the next election which, you might suppose, should be great news for Republicans. But, it turns out Republicans aren't as stupid as we've been lead to believe because they've come up with new and innovative ways not to get elected.

Take Colorado for instance. A while back we told you about the secret UN plot discovered by Republican candidate Don Maes in which red blooded NASCAR Americans were to be slowly turned into Tour de France fans.

Well, it turns out Republicans picked Mr. Maes in the primary, we guess because he was the sane one, or maybe it was just to tick off Tom Tancredo who wanted the nomination, but didn't have time to mess with all that pesky campaigning and voting stuff--so inefficient, especially now that you don't have to be white, or a land owner to vote.


Yet democracy's hopeful call rang out once again over the land, the people spoke and the world moved on. Or so you might think.

Apparently winning an election doesn't mean what it used to because, even though Mr. Maes was selected by a majority of voters, Dick Wadhams, head of the Republican party in Colorado is concerned that Mr. Maes will not lose well enough, so he wants the candidate to withdraw and give the spot to someone who can lose better.

The message from Republicans is that there will be no outside money and no fundraising assistance for Maes if he stays in the race, but if he drops out there could be support for him for future opportunities.

 Now, we know most of you are not well versed enough in the sophisticated machinations of high level national politics, so let us explain. The situation with Mr. Maes is merely an outgrowth of a policy started in the Bush administration. However, it has matured in that under Bush you had to fail before you were promoted, but in this case, Mr. Maes will earn unspecified "future opportunities" if he withdraws now. In other words, by failing before he fails, he will have succeeded in furthering the goals of the Republican party which is to force John Hickenlooper, the Democratic candidate to take the job of governor. It's sort of like if Bush had sent Michael Brown to New Orleans a week before Katrina hit so he could tear down all the bridges out of town.

It remains to be seen if such a multi-layered, sophisticated strategy can work for the Republicans, but it does beat the alternative which is having the winner go after the loser with a gun.

Bell alleges that, on his way home to Jefferson City on August 4th, he happened by Nieves' campaign office and noticed the car of Nieves' campaign treasurer, Dave Bailey, parked outside. Not seeing Nieves car, Bell told police he decided to stop to congratulate Bailey. But no sooner did he offer his congratulations to Bailey than he was surprised by Nieves.  "He then pulled out a black gun out [sic] of his pocket and made sure that I saw it and set it on a table. He told me he was going to kill me. I began to curl up into a ball and break down in fear and was yelling for help."

Man, victory celebrations are not what they used to be. Still, you have to be a little sympathetic towards Mr. Nieves. We mean, the guy probably woke up the day after the election, was sipping his morning coffee while glancing through the paper and it hit him, "Crap! I'm a Republican. Now I have to vote against jobs, against the environment, against health care and social security."

Yeah, but look at the bright side, Mr. Nieves, at least you aren't a Democrat who has to cave on all those issues because big meanies go on Fox news and call you names.