Thursday, August 19, 2010

And If Jesus Was Here Right Now He Would Totally Poke You In The Eye With A Sharp Stick

Hey, you know it's hard out there for a christian. You try and stand up for the lord and The Man slaps you down. Yesterday we told you about Pastor Don who, figuring that the the all mighty, omniscient, omnipresent, timeless ruler of the universe was having metaphorical sand kicked in his face by a bunch of high school kids decided to intervene on behalf of the apparently somewhat milquetoast deity, and what happened?
Warner Robins police spokeswoman Tabitha Pugh says officers asked Crosby and the group to leave. Crosby refused and was arrested, she says. Others in the group dropped the protest.
The Man slaps you down. Well, in this case The Woman, but that only makes it worse. We mean, would Mary Magdalene tell Jesus to take his sandals off before he came in the house because she just swept the dirt and those holy feet sure don't look like they've been walking on water?  No way.

That brings us to today's sad tale of another one of the 228 million christians in this country being oppressed by the...um...rest of the people who are...ah...like...erm...one forth of the population. OK never mind.  The point is, our good friend Terry Jones has figured out that the Islamo-people have been reading this book that says Allah is all like way cooler than Jesus and that's why they're out all over the place running around and busting stuff up. Of course Pastor Terry knows Jesus is much too nice to get out the holy smite on these rag heads, so he figures the next best thing is for him to step in and to go all Fahrenheit 451 on their falafel eating buttocks.

Now, you don't have to be one of them fancy theologians to know Jesus would be totally down with this, but what happens?
Gainesville city officials have denied a burn permit for a church that plans to burn copies of the Quran on Sept. 11. Interim Fire Chief Gene Prince said Wednesday that an open burning of books is not allowed under the city's burning ordinance.
The Man steps in and slaps you down. At least it is a man this time. But you know, when the eternal ruler of the universe is under attack from a bunch of folks who only want to go back to the 13th century, you just can't take no for an answer. Pastor Don said it best:
"I don't scare easily. Lock me up as many times as you have to lock me up. Even kill me if you have to. I'm standing up for Jesus."
And Jesus appreciates the effort too, we're sure Pastor Don. Now, you may not be rewarded with 72 virgins for your martyrdom, but we have to believe that when you get to the pearly gates Jesus is going to remember that when it came to inappropriately named high school sports teams, you had his back. What about you Pastor Terry, do you have the fire? Uh...the fire of faith we mean, we're figuring you already had someone lay in a supply of lighter fluid for the books and stuff.
In an e-mail sent out Wednesday, the church said, "City of Gainesville denies burn permit — BUT WE WILL STILL BURN KORANS."
Oh amen Padre, amen. It's just like Jesus said, "Lay the beatdown on old Abdul if he can't get his mind right with god." Or words to that effect. We're paraphrasing here.

One technical question though Pastor Terry. Jesus is written about in the Qu'ran. When you burn them are you going to burn the parts that say he was the messenger of god sent to the people of Israel, or are you going to cut those parts out and just burn the Islamoterrorist manual on how to blow up Americans part?

Personally, we'd go with cutting parts out like Thomas Jefferson used to do with the parts of the bible he didn't like. Lord knows that man was all for opening up a cold can o' christian whupass on them musselman fellers.

2 comments:

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Yes, but if they burn the Q'orans, does this then make it more difficult for them to use Nazi Comparisons in the future regarding rival religious groups and political parties?

It would be very cool if you said yes.

Anonymous said...

Jesus don't wanna return cause a Dr. Laura.