Monday, August 23, 2010

America! Where Being A Populist Just Means You Don't Live In A Gated Community

It occurred to us the other day that there's another one of those election thingies coming up again here in a couple of months.

Crap.

Can't these people just leave us alone? There's only about 14 people left in the country with jobs, six or seven that haven't lost their homes yet, and they still want us to send them to Washington to "fix" things? Don't fix us Bro! We can't take much more fixing! Plus, if you're not a Wall Street broker, or a banker your business is...well...we heard there's still a mall open somewhere in Wisconsin, but that's just a rumor.

Man, can't you see we're busy picking through the empty Kroger out in the abandoned strip mall trying to find cans of Campbell's soup that haven't expired? Winter's coming too-- probably have to break in to the foreclosed house down the block and see if any furniture was left that can be turned into firewood because there's bound to be some shutoffs because the energy companies have to protect their investors' fourth quarter returns.

People who get paid to tell us what we're thinking say the Republicans are going to make substantial gains this year.

Excuse us? Did the country fall down and conk its collective noggin? Republicans? Really? Let's take a look at a typical Republican slate of candidates, shall we?
It was symbolic when the six Republican candidates for U.S. Senate stood up together side-by-side during a debate Wednesday. It resembled their positions on major issues.  All said they would have voted against extending long-term unemployment benefits. All argued Elena Kagan should not have been appointed to the Supreme Court. All said man-made global warming hasn't been proven.
 OK, let's apply a little of that famous Stoli fueled Ironicus Maximus analytical expertise here and see if we can ferret out from the above statements who the constituents of the Republican party might be.
  • Item #1: "All said they would have voted against extending long-term unemployment benefits." This is an obvious attempt to reach out to voters too rich to worry about having to work for a living. 
  • Item #2: "All argued Elena Kagan should not have been appointed to the Supreme Court." Everyone knows the judiciary has been a curse on the free market system since the beginning. Minimum wage, child labor laws, workplace safety, the list of business averse policies goes on and on.
  • Item #3: "All said man-made global warming hasn't been proven." An obvious subset of Item #1 and meant to be a dog whistle for people rich enough tho have their own space ships.
Hmm...so far we're talking about the Walton family. Anybody else under the big tent?
Millionaire businessmen Bill Binnie of Rye and Jim Bender of Hollis trumpeted their ability to create jobs at a time when the unemployment rate continues to hover around 10 percent nationwide, the highest in nearly 30 years. "We have too many economic illiterates in Washington," fumed Bender, who promised to recruit more businesses to New Hampshire.  Said Binnie, "I have done billions of dollars of transactions. I have created thousands of jobs. My economic experience matters."
 Ah. "Millionaire businessmen." Always the best choice for understanding what it's like to live on a fixed income or to worry about your kid getting sick because you don't have health insurance. Plus, promising to vote against unemployment benefits further strengthens their populist street cred. Anyone care to try and top that?
Kelly Ayotte touted her five years as state attorney general, during which she fought for parental notification of a minor's abortion. "I have a proven record of leadership," she said.
Hey, what do you know? Another "get government off our backs" Republican in favor of injecting government into the most intimate and sensitive of family matters. We've got a campaign slogan for you: Vote Ayotte: Consistently inconsistent for five years. Next.
Ovide Lamontagne underscored his experience as a lawyer and said he has the most specific agenda. His 15-point "Ovide's Oath" plan includes repealing the stimulus package and health care law and supporting employees' rights to unionize.
Ovide Lamontagne? That's way too ethnic of a name to go anywhere in the Republican party, but that's for playing. Next.
Dennis Lamare, an insurance agent from Lee, went for a populist slant. He said he knows what it's like to worry about job security and whether there's enough money to put food on the table. "I'm one of us," he said. "I sit at our tables. I go out with you. I work with you."
Yeah. You're one of us all right, Insurance agent. You take our money promising you'll be there when we need you, then when we do need you it turns out that hangnail we had back in third grade qualifies as a pre-existing condition and so we''re not covered. Can't get much more populist than an insurance agent who's job is is to suck as much money as he can off his clients, then figure out ways not to pay it back when they need it. Where's the obligatory Tea Bagger?
Beloin introduced himself by saying the debate was the first time he spoke in front of a crowd in his life. He said he started a taxpayer watchdog group and will cut spending and taxes if elected.
Classic Tea Bag policy: After you shoot yourself in the foot, shoot yourself in the other foot.  Police and firemen are being laid off all over the country, schools are closing, roads are crumbling into dust, and the food supply is about as safe as that four week old half of a hamburger you found in your back seat. Definitely less taxes and lower government spending  is the answer. In bizarro land.

So these are the folks the democrats are going to lose to huh? If you need us we'll be downstairs waiting for Rod Serling's arrival.

2 comments:

Seeing Eye Chick said...

I saw this somewhere and I am going to pass it on to you:

Welcome to the United States of Mean and Stupid.

And um, lowered expectations. Hope you can limbo buddy. Rod Stirling is at my house modeling my mother's underwear.

Hey, when the going gets tough, the tough get weird.

I can send him over for a 6 pack of hard cider and a pep talk.

Lie to me and tell me we aren't surrounded by dumbasses and ding dongs and I will lo--really really like you as a neighbor-thingy.

Anonymous said...

Yep. "Millionaires for the People!" Just don't ask WHICH people....