Friday Hound Blogging

We admit to taking certain liberties in our descriptions of the relative intelligence of the overlords. There have been times, we are sure, when we characterized them in unflattering ways. Perhaps our view has been colored somewhat bythe fact that they leech a living by exploiting innocent animals, then either dump them on people silly enough to believe the dogs have intrinsic value and thus a right to be alive, sell them for research, or kill them outright when they're no longer profitable.

However, Ironicus Maximus is nothing if not fair and balanced, so when we're wrong, we're the first to admit it. OK, maybe not the first, but somewhere in the top 25 at least. And did we say wrong? Well, not so much wrong as maybe a trifle quick to set our priorities. See, while anyone with an IQ above that of smog can plainly see the overlords as a group would embarrass rocks by being called dumb as a box of, we have to report that we've stumbled upon a class of individuals who, for all intents and purposes are even dumber than the overlords:

Florida Legislators

A measure pending in the Republican-led state House would give new tax breaks to wealthy racetrack owners and could lead to off-track betting parlors. Alert readers will no doubt be shocked by the juxtaposition of wealthy and track owner in the previous sentence. It turns out that track owners are the overlords' Overlords. Not only do owners suck money out of the exploitation of the dogs, they also suck money out of the overlords for the privilege of being soulless enough to think that profiting from another living being's suffering is a career choice.

See why whenever we compare the overlords to the proverbial box of rocks we get letters from irate box of rocks fans? But back to our story:

Representative Richard Machek, D-umb, and senator Dave Aronberg, D-umber, filed the bill to help Palm Beach Kennel Club owner Pat Rooney — whose dog track is struggling to attract an audience outside of its core group of people who need help getting their shoes on the right feet. "Look, you think I want a guy with a third grade education and anger issues wandering around with nothing to do?" asked Machek. "If it costs us a few bucks to keep him busy, that's fine by me."

Aronberg said the measure's original intent — before House leaders added provisions to it — was to have "a bill that no one would really notice that much, but would poor more money down the rat hole of a dying industry."

That all changed in committee; representative Ron Reagan, R-ube, the council's chairman, amended the bill to expand the tax breaks and a Miami legislator filed an amendment that could open the door to off-track betting parlors. Representative Carlos Lopez Cantera, R-etard, said he offered the change at a lobbyist's urging but conceded he might not have understood its ramifications. "Sometimes I get confused by big words," he said.

The bill "spun out of control," said Rep. Jack Seiler, of Fort Lauderdale. Seiler questioned any new tax breaks in a year when the state faces about $3 billion in budget cuts —including a potential $1.5 billion hit to public schools — and many programs, especially to help the state's sickest residents and the poor, will face drastic cuts or elimination. "I'm OK with that." Rooney said. "Oh, like sick people and kids vote," added Aronberg.

Brian Ballard, a lobbyist for Rooney said that with a tax break and authorization to set up another card room, "we'll ultimately be able to provide the state with more money. Of course it will never come close to what they're providing to us, but hey if the bozos in Tallahassee are dumb enough to go for it, fine by me."

It's truly amazing what happens when great minds get together huh Alfreda? And then there's Florida.

Alfreda is very playful and up beat. She has a high energy level and she loves to play with the other dogs in the prison program. She also loves to play with a basketball or soccer ball and plays fetch with a towel. She takes a little time to warm up to new people. She is affectionate. She will rest her head in your lap and gives occasional kisses. She likes to be near you, but is okay being in a different area of the house. She will play with toys by herself – throwing them in the air and pouncing on them. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Alfreda would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Update: edited for clarity. Yeah, like you care.

If Incandescents Are Criminalized, Only Criminals Will Have Incandescents

We're coming to you today from the Your Tax Dollars At Work Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. YTDaW is a division of the Who You Trying To Kid Corporation in partnership with the How Do These Bozos Get Elected Company.

As you may have noticed, the planet is currently undergoing a bit of a, how shall we say, the climatological equivalent of a bad hair day. If by bad hair you mean extinction event, and by day you mean don't buy those twenty year bonds expecting to cash them in.

Of course in the interest of fairness we have to point out there are those who don't believe the consensus of climate scientists, nor the mounting evidence of its impact on the planet.

Those people are nuts. Fair enough?

It seems that in even so august a body as the United States Senate, the issue has drawn attention away from more pressing matters such as steroids in baseball, and resulted in an addendum to the recently passed Energy Bill phasing out the less energy efficient incandescent light bulb in favor of the fluorescent bulb by 2012. President Bush signed the bill and even spelled his name correctly. Without help.

Enter Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann who took time out from stalking the president to introduce a bill to bring back the incandescent.

Titled the "Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act," the bill seeks to repeal the nationwide phase-out of conventional light bulbs. "Keep your hands off my light socket," the pro-life congresswoman told reporters. "Keep incandescents safe and legal!"

"Unless we act by 2012, incandescent light bulbs will be no more," Bachmann said. "Except in back alleys and Canada. Is that what we want to subject our daughters to?"

"This is an issue of science over fads and fashions," Bachmann said. "When installed and maintained properly, incandescents pose no threat to the health of the user."

The electrical and manufacturing industries, in a rare alliance with environmentalists, portray Bachmann as having a broken filament. They argue that fluorescent lights actually reduce mercury emissions in the long run because the new bulbs use so much less electricity, much of which is produced by burning coal, which emits greenhouse gases and mercury.

"The government has no business telling consumers what kind of light bulbs they can buy," Bachmann told reporters. "Choice is what this country is based on. If you don't like incandescents, don't buy them, but don't interfere with my choices. Now excuse me, I have to go vote for H.R. 4311, a bill expanding a federal government program and circumventing the laws of states across the country."

Did You Get The Endorsement? No I Don't Know Whose Horse It Is

We're coming to you today from the Department of Gerontology here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The Department of Gerontology is just down the hall from the Audiology Clinic. Follow the blue line on the floor. No, the blue line. On your left. Your other left. And watch out for that...Oh.

OK, while we wait for janitorial let's see what some other old people are up to. Former first lady Nancy Reagan recognized John McCain wandering through her garden as the Arizona senator continued to collect backing from continent Republicans who might help him unite the party and win over people who still eat solid food.

The GOP nominee-in-waiting, in the midst of a West Coast Ginko Balboa buying trip, stumbled into the Southern California home of President Reagan's widow with muddy shoes to accept the endorsement from the Republican matriarch he called someone I think I know.

"I'm very pleased and honored to have the opportunity again to be with Mrs. Reagan and glad she didn't turn the hose on me because I came in through the back gate," McCain said in a five-minute appearance with the former first lady in the driveway of her neighbor's home. "President Reagan and Mrs. Reagan remain alive, as an example of the high degree of expertise of the health care system in this country."

Later the McCain campaign issued a clarification stating that the senator was aware that Ronald Regan was dead but hadn't said anything "to spare the widow Reagan's feelings."

"Ronnie and I always waited until everything was decided and then we endorsed." Mrs. Reagan said. "Well, obviously, this is the nominee of the party. What are you going to do? No system is perfect. Now get off my lawn."

In a written statement issued earlier in the day, she called McCain "a good friend for more than 30 years, or about as long as I've had this set of dentures."

McCain said he hoped she remembered the endorsement when the convention started and said: "This is an important, most important kind of expression of confidence in my ability to lead the party that I could have from a person who, presumably still knows what day it is."

Later that day Mrs. Reagan's office issued a statement expressing condolences for all the families who lost loved ones at the battle of Gettysburg.

We've Said It Before

And we'll say it again

Separated at birth.

McCain: If Elected I'll Send Tooth Fairy And Easter Bunny To Entertain Troops With Magic Ponies

Full disclosure: We're not always big fans of reality around the marbled halls of IM Central. Truth be told, we've occasioanlly been known to...mmm...interpret the manifestations of the dominant space time continuum in ways favorable to our imaginary self: Techno Mage Commander Ironguard! Defender of the galaxy against the Zeron Spider Horde of Gathis; Hero of the Sun Wars and Leader of the Caltoon Protectorate. At the head of his loyal army of Kathari Warriors he searches the far reaches of space, ever vigilant, ever prepared for the... sorry. Where were we? Oh yeah.

John McCain is a complete bonkazoid.

Fresh off his eighth Iraq visit, Sen. John McCain declared that "we are succeeding" and said he wouldn't change course — even as the U.S. death toll rose to 4,000 and the war entered its sixth year. When asked what he meant by "succeeding" McCain explained that the war was keeping over 100,000 troops in Iraq. "With the economy in the shape it's in do you know what would happen to the unemployment rate if all these guys were home looking for jobs?" he said.

"For the first time, I have seen Osama bin Laden and General (David) Petraeus in agreement, that I am one crazy mo..."

Now shut yo' mouf.

But we're talkin' 'bout John.

"And my Democrat opponents who want to pull out of Iraq refuse to understand what's being said and what's happening —we're finally being greeted as liberators. Well, except for those folks launching rockets into the Green Zone."

"We're succeeding. I don't care what anybody says. I've seen the facts on the ground," the Arizona senator insisted a day after a roadside bomb in Baghdad killed four U.S. soldiers and rockets pounded the U.S.-protected Green Zone there, and a wave of attacks left at least 61 Iraqis dead nationwide.

Now, we'd like to take a little time out here as your editors and point out the sophisticated journalistic technique this reporter is using to convey the elements of her story. No doubt she's been with the McCain campaign for a bit and has gotten to know the candidate. Perhaps she even enjoyed herself at the recent Bar-b-Que he hosted for members of the press.

Well, when someone offers you free babybacks, you hardly want to point out that the man is run-naked-through-the-woods-and-howl-at-the-moon insane do you? So you employ the strategy known as juxtaposition. One the one hand, here's the good senator discoursing on rainbows over unicorns prancing through the Elysian Fields of greater Baghdad. On the other...umm...you see dead people.

This journalist is sort of like those hostages held by a foreign power. She reads the statements given to her by her overlords, but if you look closely you can see her eyes are blinking SOS.

Oh, You Know We Have To Do Better Than This

91%Drunkard

(h/t)

Yeah, But It Was A Persian Cat

Let's just get right out in the open that we've made peace with our government overlords. In fact, we're on such good relations with the agent who monitors our calls, that whenever we order a pizza we always ask if we should order extra crazy bread (one click for yes, two for no) and we've taken to putting the car in the garage each night so there's room on the driveway for the black van that sits in front of IM Central to get off the street during the overnight no parking hours.

Which is probably why we weren't as upset by the fissle cat caper as the author of this article.

The unsettling thing about living in a surveillance society isn't just that you're being watched. It's that you have no idea.

See, this is just the kind of commie-pinko, libtard thinking that got us the constitution in the first place. Of course the people being watched aren't supposed to know they're being watched. If they know they're being watched, they won't do the things were watching them for. What do you think government is for anyway?

The feds have been monitoring Interstate 5 for nuclear "dirty bombs." They do it with radiation detectors so sensitive it led to the following incident. "Vehicle goes by at 70 miles per hour," deputy chief Joe Giuliano said. "Agent is in the median, a good 80 feet away from the traffic. Signal went off and identified an isotope [in the passing car]."The agent raced after the car, pulling it over not far from the monitoring spot. The agent questioned the driver, then did a cursory search of the car, Giuliano said. "Turned out to be a cat with cancer that had undergone a radiological treatment three days earlier."

Oh sure, the driver said it was his cat, but isn't that just what a terrorist would say? Did the agent shoot the driver anyway? Did he confiscate the cat? Did he at least TASER someone? We doubt it. Wake up America. Do we have to wait until there's a mushroom cloud over the Humane Society? What good are your rights if suicide cat bombers roam the street of our cities?

From bomb sniffing to bank monitoring of the kind that brought down Eliot Spitzer to phone and Internet data crunching to citizenship checkpoints — all are becoming commonplaces of American life.

As well they should be. This is about protecting our way of life from people who wear black socks during sex. Did you hear about that? Oh man, that Spitzer guy is one warped dude, we mean, come on, black socks? That's right out of those old time pornos we used to watch in the garage when our parents were out. Umm...hypothetically speaking. Talk about the postman and the bored housewife. But this guy was the governor of New York. Well, where were we? Oh yeah, national security.

Giuliano says the point really is to catch terrorists. He says it's true that the odds of catching one may be a billion to one so we should probably get used to hearing about politicians visiting hookers.

Friday Hound Blogging

Dumm dee dumm doo doo...let's see...first NCAA tournament weekend coming. Stoli? Check. Ice? Check. Various mixes? Check. Bail bondsman's number? Check. Mrs. IM's request to leave the neighbors out of it this year? Hahahaha!! She cracks us up. Stoli? Check.

Oh, hi there. Didn't see you come in. Just getting ready for a little spectating here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Say, could you pass that tape measure over here please. Have to get the proper distance from the big screen plasma you know. What's that? You're here for Friday Hound Blogging? Wow. Friday already?

Well, you caught us a little off guard. Been a busy week you know, not having a primary and all. OK, no problem. We'll go visit Mr. Carney. He's always got something going on.

The owner of Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park, the most successful dog track in the state, because it's more successful than the other one has filed suit in the Supreme Judicial Court to prevent a ban on commercial dog racing from being placed on the November statewide ballot.

"My position is, we'll be doing everything we can to keep me from going to work at a real job," said Brockton businessman George Carney. "If we don't prevail in court, I plan to stuff beans up my nose and hold my breath until I pass out. They're not going to have an easy day with George."

Wow. Sounds like Mr. Carney shall defend his right to exploit dogs, whatever the cost may be, he shall exploit on the beaches, he shall exploit on the landing grounds, he shall exploit in the fields and in the streets, he shall exploit in the hills; he shall never enter the job force.

"Everybody is aware of how tough the economy is in Massachusetts," he said. "Do they want to put that many people out of low wage no benefit jobs?" he said.

He may have a point there. We can't imagine all the Walmarts in the state would be enough to take up that slack. Still, there's always a chance those folks could like, learn to read or something and improve their job prospects. Either that, or move to someplace where their skills are in demand. Alabama, say.

The dogs on the other hand, don't have many relocation options as they are caged 8-10 hours a day and sometimes 12-14 hours, depending on the dog. Greyhounds are repeatedly injured while competing, fed meat not suitable for human consumption, plus their retirement benefits are somewhat, shall we say, sparse.

In his court suit, Carney's attorney, Lee Kozol, contends that the ballot initiative doesn't meet state requirements for such questions because it would operate only in particular districts or localities. "They want to ban cruelty and exploitation only where it exists," Kozol said. "What about places where it doesn't? Why should they get off so easy? Why should my client suffer for leaching a living off the backs of these magnificent animals when other people who work an honest job and make an honest living go on with their lives unaffected?"

Ummm...yeah. Whatever. How you voting Tar?

Tar is really friendly, outgoing, and playful dog. He loves playing and running. He has a very gullible and happy spirit. He always seeks attention. He is a playful dog full of high spirits. He knows how to entertain himself. He loves playing in the snow. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Tar would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 12 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Michigan! We Just Like The Attention

OK, so that merry band of ne'er do wells we call the Michigan Legislature, picked this year to move our primary up to January, even though their overlords warned them they would have a hurt put on them so fast they'd think Dick Cheney was living in their basement

But Noooo. We want our primary early because we are way cooler than New Hampshire. We mean, like, come on, we have cities and stuff. Well, long story short, the primary was held, the state was slapped, and now it turns out that of all the years it would have actually made a difference to move the primary to an earlier date, this was the worst year to do it.

In defense of our political leaders in the state though, we have to say that looking out over a presidential campaign that started earlier than ever before, with not only the first viable women candidate, but in an unprecedented coincidence, also the first viable African American candidate, and a republican field of unsurpassed wackiness, with all of that, who could have predicted that the primary season this year would be unlike any other?

Certainly not those in Michigan whose job it is to have their finger on the pulse of politics. Now we're sitting on all these delegate and nobody knows what to do with them, well, nobody but Hillary.

Hillary Rodham Clinton bluntly challenged Barack Obama to agree to a new primary in Michigan and said it was wrong, and frankly un-American not to have the delegation seated at the Democratic National Convention. When asked if any of the other plans to defuse the crises would work, Clinton replied that "They are great plans. FOR ME TO POOP ON!!"

Obama has yet to declare his support or opposition, although his campaign has raised a number of procedural and legal questions about the most recent proposal for an early June primary in Michigan. "See? See?" said an aide to Clinton. "It's like we've been saying all along, Black people can't be decisive. I mean Obama. Obama can't be decisive. Is he black? I hadn't noticed.""

Originally, Michigan was to have 128 delegates at stake in its primary. Clinton narrowly beat uncommitted, and soundly trounced don't give a...well, that was a a write in anyway. All the candidates had pledged not to campaign and Obama removed his name from the ballot. "When others made the decision to remove their names from the ballot I didn't because sweet Jebus on a pogo stick, I'm losing this thing. Do you think I'm a compete idiot?" Clinton said.

Clinton made a hurriedly arranged trip to Michigan to dramatize her wild eyed, spittle flecked panic, at a time when some state party officials have been pretending to draft legislation to hold a primary in June. Later it was reported that she was trying to arrange a meeting between Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm and her husband. "Look, if he's going to be a horn dog, I might as well get some benefit for it," she told reporters. "Lord knows that'd be about all I get."

Offered Without Comment. OK A Little Comment

Thomas Jefferson said, "Conquest is not in our principles. It is inconsistent with our government."

John Adams said, "Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence."

George Washington said, "Laws made by common consent must not be trampled on by individuals."

Abraham Lincoln said, "Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves."

Franklin Roosevelt said, "I believe that in every country the people themselves are more peaceably and liberally inclined than their governments."

John Kennedy said, "The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie -- deliberate, contrived and dishonest, but the myth, persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic. Belief in myths allows the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.

When told that two thirds of the American people think the Iraq war was not worth it, Vice President Cheney said, "So?"

Benjamin Franklin said, "A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle."

This Can't Be Good

OK all you out there, we have got to fix this economy. We know a lot of you have lost your jobs and your homes and a lot more are living just one paycheck away from a disaster. We know a lot of you don't have health insurance and would be devastated by a major illness, and we know a lot of you are eating macaroni and cheese three times a week while you try and keep up with your credit card debt. And that's before the credit companies raise your interest rates for no particular reason other than they can.

It doesn't matter. A future even worse than you can imagine given your current situation awaits us if we don't do something fast. Look at this headline: Wall Street woes may force Bush to assert bigger role.

Yes, that's right. Unless we can turn this economy around, president Bush is going to get involved. Do we have to tell you what that means?

Didn't think so.

president Bush and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson so far have responded to the upheaval by proposing a series of voluntary measures, but since none of those measures involved both men voluntarily leaving their positions, the crisis deepened with the collapse of Bear Stearns.

Bush and Paulson have preferred that the markets resolve the trouble themselves. The Fed will provide as much as $30 billion to JP Morgan Chase & Co. to help finance the purchase of Bear Stearns after a run on Wall Street's fifth-largest securities firm.

When asked how a government bail out of an investment bank could be considered letting the markets resolve themselves, president Bush said it was very important to remember that this was a government of the people for the people "and CEO's are people too."

"Delaying that correction would only prolong the problem,'' Bush said on March 15 in his weekly radio address. He vowed to avoid "bad policy decisions.'' Paramedics, on hand in case of a presidential head explosion were not needed, but three reporters were treated for irony whiplash.

Oklahoma! When Just Being Stupid Isn't Good Enough

We've previously regaled our reader(s) with tales of our educorporate upbringing under the benevolent care of the Christian Brothers. We suppose, in the interests of full disclosure, we should add that the Bro's were assisted by a highly trained and capable cadre' of nuns. We think they were the Order of Sisters of Perpetual Detention or something. Our memory is somewhat cloudy.

Anyway, we tell you this by way of establishing our credentials as survivors of of an educational experience that was, one might truthfully say, tinged with religious overtones. But even though our classrooms each contained a rendering of Caucasian Jesus and his mom looking down on us and even though despite the Herculean efforts of our Latin teachers, the only thing we learned was how to swear (A unannounced quiz? Hui Excrementum!) it never occurred to us to claim that studying chemistry violated our religious beliefs.

The Oklahoma House of Representatives Education Committee has just approved House Bill 2211. The bill is expected to pass the full House, and then to go to the Senate. The bill requires public schools to guarantee students the right to express their religious viewpoints in a public forum, in class, in homework and in other ways without being penalized. If a student’s religious beliefs were in conflict with scientific theory, and the student chose to express those beliefs rather than explain the theory in response to an exam question, the student’s incorrect response would be deemed satisfactory.

Man, talk about a get out of homework free card.

Even simple, factual information such as the age of the earth (4.65 billion years) would be subject to the student’s belief, and if the student answered 6,000 years based on his or her religious belief, the school would have to credit it as correct.

Where were these guys when we took algebra? We do recall saying "God only knows" a lot when asked for answers by our ninth grade algebra teacher, Mr. Constant. Now we find out we should have been given credit for referring his query to the almighty.

The consequence of the bill will be to create havoc and promote discord in the public schools.

Which is another positive outcome because it will take the pressure off of students to create havoc and promote discord.

What administrators fear as the law is implemented is a barrage of lawsuits.

Suing teachers for making students read textbooks. Brilliant! And much easier than trying to explain the effect of the westward movement of pioneers on the indigenous Indian population by summarizing several episodes of F Troop like we had to do.

Kids. They got it easy today, don't they?

(h/t)

Friday Hound Blogging

Hmmm...where have we heard this before? Oh yeah, here. Looks like Mr. Carney is having his own personal Groundhog's Day.

Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park owner George Carney has filed a lawsuit challenging an attempt to ban dog racing. "More than 100,00 people signed that petition," Carney said. "But they aren't the boss of me."

Carney’s suit alleges the ballot question is invalid because it is limited to stopping cruelty against greyhounds, it contains subjects that “won't help me make my trailer payments,” it constitutes an attempt to get me to work for a living, and because the question is not in proper form for submission to the people.

"The wording is too clear," said Carney's attorney Joel Kozol commenting on the last part. "I mean, you read that and you know right away that you're voting to end the senseless exploitation of innocent animals. We can't have that."

Backers of the effort include the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, Harvard Law School Student Animal Legal Defense Fund, Humane Society of the United States, Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, several state animal shelters, including the Taunton Animal Shelter, and several veterinarians. "You ever see a bigger bunch of animal rights whackos in your life?" Carney said. "I bet they've never even been to a racetrack."

Could be. Bet you wish they could say that about you, huh Buffy?

Buffy is curious of her surroundings. She likes to smell everything around her. She is calm and easygoing. She follows her family around the house. She also likes to follow the family grey around the home and does not want to miss out any action. She is a happy dog who wags her tail often. She seems to be a quick learner. She wants a lot of attention and will lean against you for pets. She also gives kisses. Buffy would do well in a working family home with another dog to keep her company or as an only dog in a family with someone home more often. She would do well with well-mannered children, 6 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

We'd Much Rather You Didn't Know What We Know You Already Know

We're coming to you today from the Sunshine and Flowers Division here in the marbled halls of IM Central. S&F, in partnership with the Blue Sky Corporation and The Department of Rose Colored Glasses is proud to present, The Bush Administration.

The Bush Administration apparently does not want a U.S. military study that found no direct connection between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda to get any attention. "Well, it's not that we don't want it not to get any attention," said a White House spokesperson. "It's just that we don't want it to get any of that attention where people notice it, that's all."

The Pentagon canceled plans to send out a press release announcing the report's release and will no longer make the report available online. "We have, however, placed several copies in various locations around the country, and will be putting clues as to their whereabouts on our web page," said a Pentagon official.

Asked why the report would not be posted online and could not be emailed, the spokesman for Joint Forces Command said: "We're making the report available to anyone who wishes to have it, and we'll send it out via CD in the mail, but you have to use the secret code word in your request, or you'll be denied."

When asked what the secret code word was the spokesperson responded that it was "Classified. If we told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore would it?"

Another Pentagon official said initial press reports on the study made it "too much like reality. You guys keep reporting the facts. You know how the president hates that."

The study found no "smoking gun" or any evidence of a direct connection between Saddam's Iraq and the al Qaeda terrorist organization. "That doesn't mean there wasn't one," said White House Press Secretart Dana Perino. "It just means...well...I guess it does mean there wasn't one, but the president really, really wanted there to be one and that should count for something."

The report is based on the analysis of some 600,000 official Iraqi documents seized by US forces after the invasion. "Yeah, but they were all written in Arabic, said Secretart Perino. Who can read that stuff?"

It is also based on thousands of hours of interrogations of former top officials in Saddam's government who are now in U.S. custody. "Oh yeah, like they're going to tell us the truth just because we waterboarded them," she said. "Well, if we were to have waterboarded them I mean. We don't do that. Do we? I haven't seen the latest memo."

Other rational people have reached the same conclusion, but no previous study has had access to so much information. Further, this is the first official acknowledgment from the U.S. military that there is no evidence Saddam had ties to Al Qaeda. "Oh, like the military is so perfect," Perino said. "Look at the mess they've got us into in Iraq."

The primary target, however, of Saddam's terror activities was not the United States, and not Israel. The report said, "The predominant targets of Iraqi state terror operations were Iraqi citizens, both inside and outside of Iraq."

"Right," Perino said. "So if it hadn't been for the invasion that killed and is still killing Iraqis, Saddam would still be in power killing Iraqis. Wait, let me rephrase that."

I'll Have The Big Mac And An Order Of E. Coli

We're coming to you from the Produce Department here at IM Central today. The Produce Department really isn't part of anything else, it's just were we keep things we like to eat. See, a few years back we joined the Herbivore Nation. Mmmmm...soy burgers. OK, OK vegetarianism isn't for everybody, and we bear no ill will towards our carnivorous friends. In fact, after reading this we have some concerns that their opportunity to ingest large quantities of the flesh of living creatures bred and kept in horrendous, inhumane conditions, solely for the purpose of being brutally killed in the prime of their lives may have been compromised by the profit motive.

Oh, and we're not sanctimonious about being vegetarians either. Just so you know.

The head of the Southern California slaughterhouse at the center of the largest beef recall in U.S. history said Wednesday no unsafe beef was processed at his plant and a video showing ill cows being pushed with a forklift depicted animals headed for euthanasia — not the food supply.

When it was pointed out that all animals at a slaughter house are headed for euthanasia, Westland/Hallmark Meat Co. President Steve Mendell said "Well, yeah. If you want to get technical about it."

Mendell was appearing under subpoena before the House Energy and Commerce investigative subcommittee. Energy and Commerce Chairman John Dingell, D-Rump Roast, said he hoped Mendell had learned that there is "an easy way and there is a hard way to answer our questions. Either way we will find out the truth."

When the laughter died down, Mendell told the committee he had never used steroids, to which Dingell replied, "Works for me," and the hearing was adjourned.

Hookers and Cash, Just Like The Founding Fathers Envisioned

OK so everyone has their knickers in a twist over Eliot Spitzer's...erm...rather unique views on participatory democracy. It's always the quiet ones, no? But come on folks, so he's thinking with the wrong head. Have you seen the girls from that whor...um..."female entertainment company?" You got to admit, Eliot may be a horn dog, but he's doing the horizontal bop with a lot higher class of bopettes than old Vitter does.

So look, when it comes to sheer audacity in greed, graft and perversion, even if Eliot owned the Emperor's Club, he still couldn't have a stance as wide as the republicans. Take this guy for instance:

Arizona Congressman Rick--Ricky Two Toes--Renzi funneled hundreds of thousands from Pregnancy Crisis Centers to fund first run for congress. "Hey, come on," Renzi told reporters. "I couldn't get any support from the voters. How else was I supposed to get in on the action?"

Renzi has positioned himself as staunchly anti-abortion. "The sanctity of human life should always be upheld, and I will continue to fight for the rights of the unborn in Congress," he said. "What? And I shouldn't expect a little som'in' som'in' for that?"

The 2003 complaint was filed by an insurance broker who acted as an intermediary between Renzi & Company and the insurance company which held the pro-life groups' policy. In an interview, a lawyer for the broker confirmed that the payments his company did not receive from the pro-life groups were the same prosecutors allege Renzi embezzled to pay for his congressional campaign. "Coincidence," Renzi said. "Look, I'm a busy man. I can't expect to be responsible for all the money coming in and out of here. Now excuse me, I'm late for a fund raiser."

According to the indictment, when the groups complained to Renzi that their premiums had not been paid, he said a new insurance company, "Jimcor," now insured the groups and created false certificates as evidence. "Jimcor" listed assets of over 10 million dollars and identified David Vitter and Eliot Spitzer as members of the Board of Directors.

Renzi later told state officials that those certificates were issued in error. "Insurance regulations are so complicated," he told reporters. "How was I supposed to know it was illegal to make stuff up?"

Elected to Congress in 2002, Renzi has faced pressure to resign from GOP party leaders since the indictment against him was announced two weeks ago. "Well, we have to say that," said a spokesperson for the RNCC who asked not to be named. "But the truth is, if all the republicans under indictment of investigation resigned I don't think the House could get a quorum."

"I will not resign and take on the cloak of guilt because I can afford lawyers," Renzi said earlier this week. "My legal team...will handle these legal issues while I continue to fleece my constituents."

And Now For Something Completely Different

On a Monday, at the start of daylight savings time, we came across this.

Should Scientists Date People Who Believe in Astrology?

Wait a minute. Scientists date?

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, for years now the overlords have been taking the rap for the way they treat the units when they're no longer able to keep up their end of the bargain. Well, it's not really a bargain since the dogs have no say in the matter and if all they did was earn enough to make up for their care they'd be out on their ears in a New York minute. There's trailer payments to make you know.

But we digress.

The point is, the overlords have been accused of losing interest when the dogs lose races. Well, no more.

A clinic is killing healthy dogs and secretly selling their body parts to Britain’s most prestigious veterinary college for research, an investigation has found. "This is truly a win win," said Alistair McLean, chief executive of the National Greyhound Racing Club. "Now instead of killing them ourselves when they're done making us money we can have someone else do it, and turn a tidy profit too."

When asked if he knew the dogs who had been euthanized were perfectly healthy McLean responded, "Of course they were. The healthier the better."

The RSPCA said: “We are shocked by this evidence which appears to show an opening for greyhounds to be systematically destroyed for profit. We certainly would not like to think that there was a financial incentive to ending a pet’s life.”

"Pet? Who said anything about pet?" McLean asked. "Oh, you mean because they're dogs and stuff. No, we don't have a problem with that."

Hmmm...we're betting you might have a problem with that,huh Benzie?

Benzie is a wonderful little boy. He has very sad eyes that he looks at you with and he has goofy ears. He is a very loyal, good dog. He is affectionate and is looking for constant attention. He follows foster dad around constantly. He listens well to his foster dad. He loves playing with his toys and he will walk around the dining room table with them. Benzie would do best in a home where someone is home more often. He would do best with well-mannered children over the age of nine. He can be a little vocal, so he needs a single family home. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Canada! Because American Politics Isn't Screwed Up Enough

We understand some people want to be president. Not really sure why since after Bush gets done the duties of the next president will be primarily to keep roving bands of marauders from stripping the White House for firewood and doing some gardening for our Chinese overlords.

Oh sure, McCain has wanted to be president since he was beaten in the South Carolina primary by Grant, but John, we have to tell you spending five and a half years in Andersonville doesn't carry the weight today it did back then.

Then we have the democrats who are apparently in secret negotiations with the Canadians to relocate the capitol to Winnipeg. Or something.

A candid comment to journalists from CTV News by Prime Minister Stephen Harper's most senior political staffer, Ian Brodie provided the initial spark in what the American media are now calling NAFTAgate. "It's really a tempest in a tea pot," Harper said. "The Americans are just concerned about how the agreement can be implemented since no one in American makes anything anymore."

Mr. Brodie was asked about remarks aimed by the Democratic candidates at Ohio's anti-NAFTA voters that carried serious economic implications for Canada. He downplayed those concerns."Quite a few people heard it," said one source in the room."He said someone from (Hillary) Clinton's campaign is telling the embassy to take it with a grain of salt. . . That someone called us and told us not to worry."

But wait. didn't Clinton say Obama had been the one to talk with the Canadians?

Mr. Brodie sought to allay concerns about the impact of Mr. Obama and Ms. Clinton's assertion that they would re-negotiate NAFTA if elected. "All those American politicians look alike to me," Brodie said. "I could have been mistaken."

Hey, that's not funny. Who's this guy think he is, Ralph Nader?

NDP Leader Jack Layton is asking Mr. Harper to call on the Mounties to find out how the leaks occurred. "There can be no doubt about it: the leak from within the Canadian government has had an impact now on the American elections," Mr. Layton said Wednesday. "That is about the worst thing a country could do to another country — to have an effect on their democratic process. Oh wait, this is America. Do they still have a democratic process?"

Florida! Motto: Just When You Think We've Got A Brain

A while back, we here in the marbled halls of IM Central took the unusual step of actually saying something nice about the people of Florida. While sober. OK, maybe not totally sober, but sober enough to know that we were bestowing the highly coveted Ironicus Maximus Official Seal of Okey Dokiedness on a state that contains Bill Keller, Kent Hovind, and the Panthers. Yeah. Hockey in Florida. That makes about as much sense as putting Bill Bennett in charge of the Gaming Commission.

Well anyway, in spite of some misgivings we went ahead and applied the world renowned Ironicus Maximus Huzzah to the sunshine state because of the state board of education's attempt to bring the rest of the Goobers into the 21st century. Now it appears the Goobers have struck back:

John Stemberger, the head of the Florida Snakehandlers Policy Council, said believers able to find their way to Tallahassee without ending up in Alabama would push for an "academic freedom" measure when the Legislature convenes this month. "We want teachers, particularly science teachers, to ignore stuff that scares us and act in a completely unprofessional, and yes, I'll say it, quintessentially boneheaded way," he told reporters.

State senator Ronda Storms, R-for retarded, filed just such a bill that would create an "Academic Integrity Free Zone" and protect the right of teachers to "present scientific information relevant to the full range of our views regarding chemical and biological evolution. And by 'scientific' we mean the holy bible of god as handed down to us through 2000 years of human hands without a single change or misreading, or error at all, ever, not even one, amen the end."

The bill is much like the sample one posted on the website of the Discovery Institute, because lord knows these people couldn't come up with one by themselves. And it is controversial because many rational people (and their backers, who happen to be able to read) say there are no other "scientific views" about evolution, only religion-in-disguise beliefs. Can you spell Dover?" one scientist asked.

"Well, no I can't," replied senator Storms. "But I never cotton'd to that fancy book learning and I still turned out to be a republican."

Interestingly, during the debate on the standards, Stemberger and other opponents of the new standards said they were not pushing for the teaching of "any other theory of the origin of life. In fact, we'd prefer it if you didn't teach any of them scientifical theories at all. Too much thinking if you ask me."

On the day the state board voted, Stemberger called adding the phrase "scientific theory" a "meaningless and impotent change. But that's just me. People who actually know about science may have a different idea."

Many of those who pushed for Florida's new science standards say they hope there is no new battle, that the state focuses now on revamping its curriculum and training new science teachers, so that its students are better prepared for a science-based world.

"Unnecessary," Stemberger said. "Rapture's just around the corner. No, really. It'll happen this time. Trust me."

When Demagogues Compete You Win

Well, I guess we know who the uniter and who the divider is now, don't we?

Catholic League President Bill Donohue blasted Sen. John McCain for accepting the endorsement of Texas evangelicalist John Hagee, calling the controversial pastor a bigot who has "waged an unrelenting war against the Catholic Church."

Yes, that would be this Bill Donohue.

Oh, and that would be this John Hagee.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in what is perhaps a presaging of a McCain presidency, today the Senator from Arizona created a rift between the frothing, wild eyed Jesus loving wing of the republican party and the frothing, wild eyed papist loving wing of the republican party.

Can't we all just get along?

Apparently not.

Well, it should surprise no one that McCain chose the bible thumpers instead of the Mary lovers. Or maybe they chose him, it really doesn't matter because now the pope has to send the holy ninjas to...um...educate his King James Version loving WASP behind.

On a serious note though, this has to give pause to the McCain campaign. It certainly doesn't benefit them to split the bigot wing of the party. It's not like they have a whole lot else going for them amongst voters who aren't pro-war, in favor of recession and think politicians should be rewarded for their public service by being allowed free access to the public's money.

The seriousness of this breach cannot be overestimated. It may even cause some to rethink the candidacy of Mike Huckabee who said he was disappointed in the Hagee endoresement:

Interestingly, the Hagee endorsement didn’t sit well with presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee; he expressed his “disappointment and surprise” with Hagee for not choosing him. "I hate the papists as much as McCain he told reporters. "I'm a baptist minister for crying out loud. I even hate the Lutherans."

McCain spokesperson Jill Hazelbaker says, "Hagee endorsed John McCain. While we welcome his support, it shouldn’t be seen as a wholesale endorsement of all of Mr. Hagee’s views. It's not like we're going to care about anything he says after we get elected you know. It's the republican way."

And If They Ask You About The Christmas Bonus, Say You Already Got Yours

We have to admit that as our checkered career has developed more, well, checkers over the years, we have begun to expect that the professional world of supervisors, overseers and field bosses would hold no more surprises for us, having, in our view experienced about all that could be anticipated from whatever insane clown filled funhouse produces our overlords.

Then we read about Joshua Christopherson.

A supervisor at a motivational coaching business in Provo is accused of waterboarding an employee in front of his sales team to demonstrate that they should work as hard on sales as the employee had worked to breathe.

OK, so our thought is if you work at a motivational coaching place, and you have to be tortured to get motivated, you probably haven't made the best career choice in the first place.

Former Prosper, Inc. salesman Chad Hudgens alleges his managers also allowed the supervisor to draw mustaches on employees' faces, take away their chairs and beat on their desks with a wooden paddle because it resulted in increased revenues for the company. "Well, that and kidnapping employees' children and threatening to sell them into the sex trade if quarter goals weren't met," said a spokesperson for the company.

Prosper president Dave Ellis responded that the allegations amount to "sensationalized" versions of events that have gone uncorroborated by Hudgens' former coworkers, most of whom are still heavily medicated.

The suit claims that Hudgens' team leader, Joshua Christopherson, asked for volunteers for "a new motivational exercise," which he did not describe; for which the tape self destructed; of which the Secretary denied any knowledge.

Hudgens volunteered because he apparently hasn't got the brains god gave a paper sack. Christopherson led the sales team to the top of a hill far enough away from the office so no one could hear screaming and told Hudgens to lie down with his head downhill, which he did because, well, like we said, no threat for the Nobel Prize in common sense.

Christopherson then told the rest of the team to hold Hudgens by the arms and legs while he poured water from a gallon jug over Hudgen's mouth and nostrils like the interrogation strategy known as waterboarding.

Let's see, "interrogation strategy known as waterboarding." Motivating employees. Ah, tomato tomahto.

Ellis said the exercise was a dramatization of a story in which a young man asks Socrates to become his teacher. Socrates responds by plunging the student's head underwater and telling him he will learn once his desire for knowledge is as great as his desire to breathe.

Wait. Socrates was in Sales?

"It was meant to be a team-building exercise," Ellis said. "Everybody was . . . involved and enthusiastic because, truth be told, we really don't like Hudgens that much anyway. Bit of a crybaby if you know what I mean."

"It's incredible to even suggest that he would put anyone under a level of discomfort," Ellis said. "Christopherson's a really nice, pleasant, polite young man. He's very dedicated and takes his job very seriously. And those rumors about all the cats in his neighborhood disappearing after he moved in are totally unfounded."