Hookers and Cash, Just Like The Founding Fathers Envisioned

OK so everyone has their knickers in a twist over Eliot Spitzer's...erm...rather unique views on participatory democracy. It's always the quiet ones, no? But come on folks, so he's thinking with the wrong head. Have you seen the girls from that whor...um..."female entertainment company?" You got to admit, Eliot may be a horn dog, but he's doing the horizontal bop with a lot higher class of bopettes than old Vitter does.

So look, when it comes to sheer audacity in greed, graft and perversion, even if Eliot owned the Emperor's Club, he still couldn't have a stance as wide as the republicans. Take this guy for instance:

Arizona Congressman Rick--Ricky Two Toes--Renzi funneled hundreds of thousands from Pregnancy Crisis Centers to fund first run for congress. "Hey, come on," Renzi told reporters. "I couldn't get any support from the voters. How else was I supposed to get in on the action?"

Renzi has positioned himself as staunchly anti-abortion. "The sanctity of human life should always be upheld, and I will continue to fight for the rights of the unborn in Congress," he said. "What? And I shouldn't expect a little som'in' som'in' for that?"

The 2003 complaint was filed by an insurance broker who acted as an intermediary between Renzi & Company and the insurance company which held the pro-life groups' policy. In an interview, a lawyer for the broker confirmed that the payments his company did not receive from the pro-life groups were the same prosecutors allege Renzi embezzled to pay for his congressional campaign. "Coincidence," Renzi said. "Look, I'm a busy man. I can't expect to be responsible for all the money coming in and out of here. Now excuse me, I'm late for a fund raiser."

According to the indictment, when the groups complained to Renzi that their premiums had not been paid, he said a new insurance company, "Jimcor," now insured the groups and created false certificates as evidence. "Jimcor" listed assets of over 10 million dollars and identified David Vitter and Eliot Spitzer as members of the Board of Directors.

Renzi later told state officials that those certificates were issued in error. "Insurance regulations are so complicated," he told reporters. "How was I supposed to know it was illegal to make stuff up?"

Elected to Congress in 2002, Renzi has faced pressure to resign from GOP party leaders since the indictment against him was announced two weeks ago. "Well, we have to say that," said a spokesperson for the RNCC who asked not to be named. "But the truth is, if all the republicans under indictment of investigation resigned I don't think the House could get a quorum."

"I will not resign and take on the cloak of guilt because I can afford lawyers," Renzi said earlier this week. "My legal team...will handle these legal issues while I continue to fleece my constituents."