Thursday, March 13, 2008

We'd Much Rather You Didn't Know What We Know You Already Know

We're coming to you today from the Sunshine and Flowers Division here in the marbled halls of IM Central. S&F, in partnership with the Blue Sky Corporation and The Department of Rose Colored Glasses is proud to present, The Bush Administration.

The Bush Administration apparently does not want a U.S. military study that found no direct connection between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda to get any attention. "Well, it's not that we don't want it not to get any attention," said a White House spokesperson. "It's just that we don't want it to get any of that attention where people notice it, that's all."

The Pentagon canceled plans to send out a press release announcing the report's release and will no longer make the report available online. "We have, however, placed several copies in various locations around the country, and will be putting clues as to their whereabouts on our web page," said a Pentagon official.

Asked why the report would not be posted online and could not be emailed, the spokesman for Joint Forces Command said: "We're making the report available to anyone who wishes to have it, and we'll send it out via CD in the mail, but you have to use the secret code word in your request, or you'll be denied."

When asked what the secret code word was the spokesperson responded that it was "Classified. If we told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore would it?"

Another Pentagon official said initial press reports on the study made it "too much like reality. You guys keep reporting the facts. You know how the president hates that."

The study found no "smoking gun" or any evidence of a direct connection between Saddam's Iraq and the al Qaeda terrorist organization. "That doesn't mean there wasn't one," said White House Press Secretart Dana Perino. "It just means...well...I guess it does mean there wasn't one, but the president really, really wanted there to be one and that should count for something."

The report is based on the analysis of some 600,000 official Iraqi documents seized by US forces after the invasion. "Yeah, but they were all written in Arabic, said Secretart Perino. Who can read that stuff?"

It is also based on thousands of hours of interrogations of former top officials in Saddam's government who are now in U.S. custody. "Oh yeah, like they're going to tell us the truth just because we waterboarded them," she said. "Well, if we were to have waterboarded them I mean. We don't do that. Do we? I haven't seen the latest memo."

Other rational people have reached the same conclusion, but no previous study has had access to so much information. Further, this is the first official acknowledgment from the U.S. military that there is no evidence Saddam had ties to Al Qaeda. "Oh, like the military is so perfect," Perino said. "Look at the mess they've got us into in Iraq."

The primary target, however, of Saddam's terror activities was not the United States, and not Israel. The report said, "The predominant targets of Iraqi state terror operations were Iraqi citizens, both inside and outside of Iraq."

"Right," Perino said. "So if it hadn't been for the invasion that killed and is still killing Iraqis, Saddam would still be in power killing Iraqis. Wait, let me rephrase that."

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