Thursday, March 27, 2008

If Incandescents Are Criminalized, Only Criminals Will Have Incandescents

We're coming to you today from the Your Tax Dollars At Work Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. YTDaW is a division of the Who You Trying To Kid Corporation in partnership with the How Do These Bozos Get Elected Company.

As you may have noticed, the planet is currently undergoing a bit of a, how shall we say, the climatological equivalent of a bad hair day. If by bad hair you mean extinction event, and by day you mean don't buy those twenty year bonds expecting to cash them in.

Of course in the interest of fairness we have to point out there are those who don't believe the consensus of climate scientists, nor the mounting evidence of its impact on the planet.

Those people are nuts. Fair enough?

It seems that in even so august a body as the United States Senate, the issue has drawn attention away from more pressing matters such as steroids in baseball, and resulted in an addendum to the recently passed Energy Bill phasing out the less energy efficient incandescent light bulb in favor of the fluorescent bulb by 2012. President Bush signed the bill and even spelled his name correctly. Without help.

Enter Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann who took time out from stalking the president to introduce a bill to bring back the incandescent.

Titled the "Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act," the bill seeks to repeal the nationwide phase-out of conventional light bulbs. "Keep your hands off my light socket," the pro-life congresswoman told reporters. "Keep incandescents safe and legal!"

"Unless we act by 2012, incandescent light bulbs will be no more," Bachmann said. "Except in back alleys and Canada. Is that what we want to subject our daughters to?"

"This is an issue of science over fads and fashions," Bachmann said. "When installed and maintained properly, incandescents pose no threat to the health of the user."

The electrical and manufacturing industries, in a rare alliance with environmentalists, portray Bachmann as having a broken filament. They argue that fluorescent lights actually reduce mercury emissions in the long run because the new bulbs use so much less electricity, much of which is produced by burning coal, which emits greenhouse gases and mercury.

"The government has no business telling consumers what kind of light bulbs they can buy," Bachmann told reporters. "Choice is what this country is based on. If you don't like incandescents, don't buy them, but don't interfere with my choices. Now excuse me, I have to go vote for H.R. 4311, a bill expanding a federal government program and circumventing the laws of states across the country."

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