McCain: If Elected I'll Send Tooth Fairy And Easter Bunny To Entertain Troops With Magic Ponies

Full disclosure: We're not always big fans of reality around the marbled halls of IM Central. Truth be told, we've occasioanlly been known to...mmm...interpret the manifestations of the dominant space time continuum in ways favorable to our imaginary self: Techno Mage Commander Ironguard! Defender of the galaxy against the Zeron Spider Horde of Gathis; Hero of the Sun Wars and Leader of the Caltoon Protectorate. At the head of his loyal army of Kathari Warriors he searches the far reaches of space, ever vigilant, ever prepared for the... sorry. Where were we? Oh yeah.

John McCain is a complete bonkazoid.

Fresh off his eighth Iraq visit, Sen. John McCain declared that "we are succeeding" and said he wouldn't change course — even as the U.S. death toll rose to 4,000 and the war entered its sixth year. When asked what he meant by "succeeding" McCain explained that the war was keeping over 100,000 troops in Iraq. "With the economy in the shape it's in do you know what would happen to the unemployment rate if all these guys were home looking for jobs?" he said.

"For the first time, I have seen Osama bin Laden and General (David) Petraeus in agreement, that I am one crazy mo..."

Now shut yo' mouf.

But we're talkin' 'bout John.

"And my Democrat opponents who want to pull out of Iraq refuse to understand what's being said and what's happening —we're finally being greeted as liberators. Well, except for those folks launching rockets into the Green Zone."

"We're succeeding. I don't care what anybody says. I've seen the facts on the ground," the Arizona senator insisted a day after a roadside bomb in Baghdad killed four U.S. soldiers and rockets pounded the U.S.-protected Green Zone there, and a wave of attacks left at least 61 Iraqis dead nationwide.

Now, we'd like to take a little time out here as your editors and point out the sophisticated journalistic technique this reporter is using to convey the elements of her story. No doubt she's been with the McCain campaign for a bit and has gotten to know the candidate. Perhaps she even enjoyed herself at the recent Bar-b-Que he hosted for members of the press.

Well, when someone offers you free babybacks, you hardly want to point out that the man is run-naked-through-the-woods-and-howl-at-the-moon insane do you? So you employ the strategy known as juxtaposition. One the one hand, here's the good senator discoursing on rainbows over unicorns prancing through the Elysian Fields of greater Baghdad. On the other...umm...you see dead people.

This journalist is sort of like those hostages held by a foreign power. She reads the statements given to her by her overlords, but if you look closely you can see her eyes are blinking SOS.