Michigan! We Just Like The Attention

OK, so that merry band of ne'er do wells we call the Michigan Legislature, picked this year to move our primary up to January, even though their overlords warned them they would have a hurt put on them so fast they'd think Dick Cheney was living in their basement

But Noooo. We want our primary early because we are way cooler than New Hampshire. We mean, like, come on, we have cities and stuff. Well, long story short, the primary was held, the state was slapped, and now it turns out that of all the years it would have actually made a difference to move the primary to an earlier date, this was the worst year to do it.

In defense of our political leaders in the state though, we have to say that looking out over a presidential campaign that started earlier than ever before, with not only the first viable women candidate, but in an unprecedented coincidence, also the first viable African American candidate, and a republican field of unsurpassed wackiness, with all of that, who could have predicted that the primary season this year would be unlike any other?

Certainly not those in Michigan whose job it is to have their finger on the pulse of politics. Now we're sitting on all these delegate and nobody knows what to do with them, well, nobody but Hillary.

Hillary Rodham Clinton bluntly challenged Barack Obama to agree to a new primary in Michigan and said it was wrong, and frankly un-American not to have the delegation seated at the Democratic National Convention. When asked if any of the other plans to defuse the crises would work, Clinton replied that "They are great plans. FOR ME TO POOP ON!!"

Obama has yet to declare his support or opposition, although his campaign has raised a number of procedural and legal questions about the most recent proposal for an early June primary in Michigan. "See? See?" said an aide to Clinton. "It's like we've been saying all along, Black people can't be decisive. I mean Obama. Obama can't be decisive. Is he black? I hadn't noticed.""

Originally, Michigan was to have 128 delegates at stake in its primary. Clinton narrowly beat uncommitted, and soundly trounced don't give a...well, that was a a write in anyway. All the candidates had pledged not to campaign and Obama removed his name from the ballot. "When others made the decision to remove their names from the ballot I didn't because sweet Jebus on a pogo stick, I'm losing this thing. Do you think I'm a compete idiot?" Clinton said.

Clinton made a hurriedly arranged trip to Michigan to dramatize her wild eyed, spittle flecked panic, at a time when some state party officials have been pretending to draft legislation to hold a primary in June. Later it was reported that she was trying to arrange a meeting between Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm and her husband. "Look, if he's going to be a horn dog, I might as well get some benefit for it," she told reporters. "Lord knows that'd be about all I get."