Of Course, If Things Keep Going The Way They Are, The Mexicans Won't Want To Come To This Country

Now, we have to admit, when we first saw this headline: Bush Attacks Immigration Deal Opponents, we thought, what, is Cheney busy? But as we read the article and saw no one had been shot in the face, or told to commit an unnatural act upon themselves, we knew it was indeed our stump out on the leader...er...our leader out on the stump. This could only mean we were in for some ironicus at its maximus. Take it away velvet tongue:

President Bush attacked opponents of an immigration deal, suggesting they "don't want to do what's right for America. Now, most people in this country think I don't want to do what's right for America either, but that's not true, because when I don't do right, that's the right thing to do because I'm the decider and I get to decide what's right, which, oddly enough, has always corresponded 100% with what I want. Momma always told me I was special."

"A lot of Americans are skeptical about immigration reform, primarily because they don't think the government can fix the problems," Bush said. "And to those people I say, you're right, but have patience. My administration will be over someday."

Bush spoke at the nation's largest training center for law enforcement as conservative critics blasted a Senate proposal as being soft on people who break the law. "There's no way this is soft on people who break the law," the president said. "If anyone knows about being soft on people that break the law it's me. Why do you think I get along so well with Al Gonzales?"

Bush's aim is to build momentum for the legislation, perhaps his best chance for a signature victory in his second term. "In my first term I started a war that has cost hundreds of thousands of lives, so when I was reelected I thought what can I screw up in this hemisphere?"

Bush repeatedly cast the matter as one of political courage. "You can use it to frighten people," Bush said. "Or you can show leadership and solve this problem once and for all. Guess which one I've built my political career on."

The bill would give temporary legal status to millions of unlawful immigrants, provided they came forward, paid a fine and underwent criminal background checks. To apply for a green card, they would have to pay another fine, learn English, return to their home country and wait in line. "See, this is the beauty part," Bush said. "We get them to pay twice and they still have to go back home and wait for a green card. And if you think we'll be getting those cards out quickly, I've got just two words for you New Orleans. And that learn English part? That was my idea. Hey if I can speak English so can they."

Bush chastised those who say the proposal offers amnesty to illegal immigrants. He called it empty political rhetoric. "And I know 'empty political rhetoric' when I say it...er...hear it, when I hear it."