Hey Putin. We Got Your Glasnost Right Here

Yeah, well truth be told we've been getting a little tired of the terrorists anyway. We mean, come on, a bunch of guys in caves who think TV will steal your soul and are more afraid of women than the seventh grade nerd? Really, they ain't no bad dudes like the Rooskies. Now there was some bad dudes. Some Dr. Strangelove, Cuban Missile Crisis, Hide Under Your Desk If You Can't Get To The Fallout Shelter Bad Dudes. That's what we're talking about. None of this fax machine terror, we're talking independently targeted multiple re-entry vehicle megatonnage terror.

Which is why we were glad to see that president Bush is trying to bring the cold war back.

President Vladimir Putin said that tests of new Russian missiles were a response to the planned deployment of U.S. missile defense installations and other forces in Europe, suggesting Washington has triggered a new arms race. "Hey. Remember when you guys put missiles in Cuba," said William Burns, US Ambassador to Russia. "Well, the shoe's on the other foot now isn't it you Vodka drinking, Borscht sipping, fur hat wearing commie bas...uh...I mean you have nothing to fear from our purely defensive deployment."

They are filling Eastern Europe with new weapons. A new base in Bulgaria, another one in Romania, a (missile defense) site in Poland and a radar in the Czech Republic," Putin said. "What we are supposed to do? We can't just sit back and look at that."

"Sure they can," replied White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "What do they think? That America is an aggressor nation? Where's the evidence of that?"

Putin and other Russian officials have repeatedly rejected U.S. assurances that the planned missile defense installations are meant to counter a potential threat from nations such as Iran. "Look, we know your president isn't big on geography, but tell me how missile sites in Poland protect American against Iran," asked a Kremlin spokesperson.

In remarks clearly directed against Washington, Putin blasted those "who want to dictate their will to all others regardless of international norms and law.""It's dangerous and harmful," he added. "Norms of the international law were replaced with political expediency. We view it as diktat and imperialism."

"Oh, like they've always been a democracy," said Snowjob. "Heck, where do you think we got half the ideas we're using now?"