In Our Defense, They Don't Have Golf In Mexico

We're coming to you today from the south facing parapet here at Castle IM. We're up here to assist in stemming the islamotaco illegal brown hoards flowing into this country and disappearing in the back alleys of the lawn care and hospitality industries.

Yeah, it's lonely duty, but we only have to do it until Homeland Security completes the South West Border Physical Interdiction Device, commonly known to those without technical training and an anti-terrorist background as a "wall."

In 2006, Congress passed the Secure Fence Act, also known as We've Run Out Of Ideas Bill, authored by Republican Congressman Peter King from New York because New Yorkers really care about people in Texas and California. The legislation mandated that 700 miles of double-fencing be built along the southern border from California to Texas. "Wait. Texas? I thought I was voting to wall off New Jersey," King said.

Most border residents expected the fence to run along the banks of the Rio Grande. "We sort of expected a border fence to, you know, be on the border," said Brownsville resident Eloisa Tamez.

But the U.S. Department of Homeland Security is marching down the Texas border serving condemnation lawsuits to frightened landowners such as Tamez. "Look, we've got an important job to do here," said one Homeland Security spokesperson who asked not to be identified. "If a couple of the Hispaniards get walled out in the process, well, omelet, eggs, know what I'm saying?"

Tamez, has one simple question. She would like to know why her land is being targeted for destruction by a border wall, while a nearby golf course and resort remain untouched. "We don't believe those crossing the border illegally would have the financial wherewithal to stay at a resort like that," said Greg Giddens executive director at the Secure Border Initiative Office. "So we don't feel it is necessary to protect those assets. Besides, did you see what it would do to the twelfth fairway? Totally make that hole unplayable."

Along the border, preliminary plans for fencing seem to target democrats, landowners of modest means and cities and public institutions such as the University of Texas at Brownsville. "Hey, the town is called BROWNS ville," said a spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Security. In time, local landowners realized that the fence’s location had everything to do with politics and private profit, and nothing to do with stopping illegal immigration.

"Yeah. People in Texas are a little slow on the uptake," said Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security. "And George Bush was governor there too. you'd think they would have figured it out quicker, huh?"

Just 69 miles north, Daniel Garza, faces a similar situation with a neighbor who has political connections that reach the White House. In the small town of Granjeno, Garza points to a field across the street where a segment of the proposed 18-foot high border wall would abruptly end after passing through his brick home and a small, yellow house he gave his son. “All that land over there is owned by the Hunts,” he says. “The wall doesn’t go there.” In this area everyone knows the Hunts. Dallas billionaire Ray L. Hunt and his relatives are one of the wealthiest oil and gas dynasties in the world.

Jeanne Phillips, a spokesperson for Hunt Consolidated Inc., says that no one from the company has been directly involved in siting the fence. “We, have people for that,” she said.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said the agency would settle for building the fence atop the levee behind Garza’s house instead of through it. "We're all about responding to the needs of the people," Chertoff told reporters.

How did his agency decide where to build the segments? Chad Foster, the mayor of Eagle Pass, says he thought it was a simple enough question and that the answer would be based on data and facts. "Yeah, well like I said, people in Texas? A little slow," Chertoff said.

A GOP staffer who asked not to be identified, but who is familiar with the fence, says the fencing locations stemmed from statistics showing high apprehension and narcotic seizure rates. Maps released by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers showed the wall going through such properties as the University of Texas at Brownsville. "You know those college kids are high most of the time," the staffer said.

Loren Flossman, who’s in charge of tactical infrastructure for the office calls the University of Texas at Brownsville campus a problem area for illegal immigration. "Have you been to that campus?" he asked. "They've got brown people, yellow people, black people. It looks like people from all over the world are there. Seems suspicious to me. What would people from other countries be doing at an American college?"

In early February 2008, Chertoff asked Congress for $12 billion for border security. He included $775 million for the SBInet program, despite the fact that congressional leaders still can’t get straight answers from Homeland Security about the program.

Flossman said all data regarding the placement of the fence is classified because “you don’t want to tell the very people you’re trying to keep from coming across the methodology used to deter them.” When it was pointed out that it would be obvious where the fence was after it was built, Flossman responded "What fence?"

Of Course, If Things Keep Going The Way They Are, The Mexicans Won't Want To Come To This Country

Now, we have to admit, when we first saw this headline: Bush Attacks Immigration Deal Opponents, we thought, what, is Cheney busy? But as we read the article and saw no one had been shot in the face, or told to commit an unnatural act upon themselves, we knew it was indeed our stump out on the leader...er...our leader out on the stump. This could only mean we were in for some ironicus at its maximus. Take it away velvet tongue:

President Bush attacked opponents of an immigration deal, suggesting they "don't want to do what's right for America. Now, most people in this country think I don't want to do what's right for America either, but that's not true, because when I don't do right, that's the right thing to do because I'm the decider and I get to decide what's right, which, oddly enough, has always corresponded 100% with what I want. Momma always told me I was special."

"A lot of Americans are skeptical about immigration reform, primarily because they don't think the government can fix the problems," Bush said. "And to those people I say, you're right, but have patience. My administration will be over someday."

Bush spoke at the nation's largest training center for law enforcement as conservative critics blasted a Senate proposal as being soft on people who break the law. "There's no way this is soft on people who break the law," the president said. "If anyone knows about being soft on people that break the law it's me. Why do you think I get along so well with Al Gonzales?"

Bush's aim is to build momentum for the legislation, perhaps his best chance for a signature victory in his second term. "In my first term I started a war that has cost hundreds of thousands of lives, so when I was reelected I thought what can I screw up in this hemisphere?"

Bush repeatedly cast the matter as one of political courage. "You can use it to frighten people," Bush said. "Or you can show leadership and solve this problem once and for all. Guess which one I've built my political career on."

The bill would give temporary legal status to millions of unlawful immigrants, provided they came forward, paid a fine and underwent criminal background checks. To apply for a green card, they would have to pay another fine, learn English, return to their home country and wait in line. "See, this is the beauty part," Bush said. "We get them to pay twice and they still have to go back home and wait for a green card. And if you think we'll be getting those cards out quickly, I've got just two words for you New Orleans. And that learn English part? That was my idea. Hey if I can speak English so can they."

Bush chastised those who say the proposal offers amnesty to illegal immigrants. He called it empty political rhetoric. "And I know 'empty political rhetoric' when I say it...er...hear it, when I hear it."

Hola! Dónde Es Tu Alma?

Psssst. Psssst. Hey. Over here. Get down. Get down! Ssssh. See that guy over there? The one pulling weeds next to that Lexus in the driveway of that big white house? That's Jorge. We thought he was our neighbor's illegal immigrant gardener, but we just found out his one of Satan's advance troops.

Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 666 for the Utah County Republican Party, submitted a resolution warning that Satan's minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with all white country clubs. In a speech at the state republican party convention, Larsen told those who fell asleep or were too drunk to get up and leave that illegal immigrants "hate rich Caucasians" and "are determined to destroy this country, and there is nothing they won't do. And I mean nothing. Pick our lettuce, mow our lawns, watch our children while we're at the mall. Nothing."

Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to "destroy Christian America" and replace it with "a godless new world order -- and that is not extremism, that is fact," Larsen said. "Now you may say, Don, how can this be? Most illegal aliens are Mexican, and most Mexicans are catholic. But I say to you, that just proves my point. Know why the pope wears those funny hats? Hides the horns, baby. Hides the horns."

Republican officials then allowed speakers to defend and refute the resolution. One speaker, who was identified as "Joe," said illegal immigrants were Marxist and under the influence of the devil. Another, who declined to give her name said illegal immigrants should not be allowed because "they are not going to become Republicans and stop flying the flag upside down. ... If they want to be Americans, they should learn to speak English and fly their flag like we do."

(Eds. Note: That paragraph is verbatim from the article. These people make writing this blog so easy we're embarrassed to collect our paychecks. Oh wait, we don't get paid for this. OK, go ahead on then, "Joe," and nameless lady in a tin foil hat.)

Senator Howard Stephenson, R-Cogent, spoke against the resolution, saying Larsen, whom he called a "true patriot and a close friend," was embarrassing the Republican Party. "Now granted, when you have people like Rick Santorum and Sam Brownback in the party, a local loony like my friend Don here isn't going to get much attention, but if you look at the results of the last election, going the whacko route isn't getting us the votes. That's all I'm saying.

Joel Wright, a member of the Area 51 Fan Club, was booed as he opposed the resolution. "This might be the most divisive issue in the Republican Party," he said. "Sure there's just too many dagone brown people in the world today, but who else will work for the wages Walmart pays?."

Larsen was allowed to finish the debate with a one-minute speech."If the Democrats take over the country, we will be dead, and we will have abortion and partial-birth abortion and the Republican Party will go into extinction," he said. "Nancy Pelosi and the ACLU would oppose this (resolution)."

At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the U.S. "by self invasion."

(Eds. Note #2: Those two paragraphs are verbatim from the article. See why we don't need to be sober to write this blog?)

A member of the audience moved that the convention suspend its rules to allow the "wingnut whackery parts" of Larsen's resolution to be stricken, retaining only the final, racist paragraphs of the resolution. Eventually party officials counted all delegates in attendance, only to discover that, with 299, they were about 30 short of a quorum and could take no action.

"Dang it! Who opened the hospitality suite," Larsen asked an almost empty hall.

Could it be...Satan?