Hola! Dónde Es Tu Alma?

Psssst. Psssst. Hey. Over here. Get down. Get down! Ssssh. See that guy over there? The one pulling weeds next to that Lexus in the driveway of that big white house? That's Jorge. We thought he was our neighbor's illegal immigrant gardener, but we just found out his one of Satan's advance troops.

Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 666 for the Utah County Republican Party, submitted a resolution warning that Satan's minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with all white country clubs. In a speech at the state republican party convention, Larsen told those who fell asleep or were too drunk to get up and leave that illegal immigrants "hate rich Caucasians" and "are determined to destroy this country, and there is nothing they won't do. And I mean nothing. Pick our lettuce, mow our lawns, watch our children while we're at the mall. Nothing."

Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to "destroy Christian America" and replace it with "a godless new world order -- and that is not extremism, that is fact," Larsen said. "Now you may say, Don, how can this be? Most illegal aliens are Mexican, and most Mexicans are catholic. But I say to you, that just proves my point. Know why the pope wears those funny hats? Hides the horns, baby. Hides the horns."

Republican officials then allowed speakers to defend and refute the resolution. One speaker, who was identified as "Joe," said illegal immigrants were Marxist and under the influence of the devil. Another, who declined to give her name said illegal immigrants should not be allowed because "they are not going to become Republicans and stop flying the flag upside down. ... If they want to be Americans, they should learn to speak English and fly their flag like we do."

(Eds. Note: That paragraph is verbatim from the article. These people make writing this blog so easy we're embarrassed to collect our paychecks. Oh wait, we don't get paid for this. OK, go ahead on then, "Joe," and nameless lady in a tin foil hat.)

Senator Howard Stephenson, R-Cogent, spoke against the resolution, saying Larsen, whom he called a "true patriot and a close friend," was embarrassing the Republican Party. "Now granted, when you have people like Rick Santorum and Sam Brownback in the party, a local loony like my friend Don here isn't going to get much attention, but if you look at the results of the last election, going the whacko route isn't getting us the votes. That's all I'm saying.

Joel Wright, a member of the Area 51 Fan Club, was booed as he opposed the resolution. "This might be the most divisive issue in the Republican Party," he said. "Sure there's just too many dagone brown people in the world today, but who else will work for the wages Walmart pays?."

Larsen was allowed to finish the debate with a one-minute speech."If the Democrats take over the country, we will be dead, and we will have abortion and partial-birth abortion and the Republican Party will go into extinction," he said. "Nancy Pelosi and the ACLU would oppose this (resolution)."

At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the U.S. "by self invasion."

(Eds. Note #2: Those two paragraphs are verbatim from the article. See why we don't need to be sober to write this blog?)

A member of the audience moved that the convention suspend its rules to allow the "wingnut whackery parts" of Larsen's resolution to be stricken, retaining only the final, racist paragraphs of the resolution. Eventually party officials counted all delegates in attendance, only to discover that, with 299, they were about 30 short of a quorum and could take no action.

"Dang it! Who opened the hospitality suite," Larsen asked an almost empty hall.

Could it be...Satan?