I Will Now Eliminate Your Tanks With My Fearful Gaze Of Death

OK, so we're fighting the terrorists in Iraq so we don't have to fight them here. Apparently, though a group of terrorists set off to find a western route to China and ended up here because:

Six Islamic militants from Yugoslavia and the Middle East were arrested on charges of plotting to attack the Fort Dix Army post and "kill as many soldiers as possible," authorities said.

Yeah. Six guys were planning to attack the upwards of 15,000 troops that train on the 31,000 acre facility.

Now, here's the scary part: These guys obviously aren't the valedictorians of their class at the University of Terrorism, and if they can find America, then president Bush's plan to turn out all the lights and ask everyone to be very very quiet probably doesn't have much of a chance.

But back to the Jihadi A Team:

In conversations secretly recorded by an FBI informant over the past year, the men talked about killing in the name of Allah and attacking U.S. warships that might dock in Philadelphia. "One of the suspects was planning to go down to the shore as a ship passed, and use a magnet to draw it into the shallow water," said a spokesperson for the FBI. "Once the ship was beached in the shallows, the other five were going to board it and kill the crew with their new fighting technique, which is unstoppable. In their defense though, they did have a really big magnet."

One suspect reportedly spoke of using rocket-propelled grenades to kill at least 100 soldiers at a time, according to court documents. "He'd planned to get the troops into tight groups by pretending to be a photographer," said an FBI official. "It was really quite diabolical except they couldn't find an RPG launcher that looked like a camera."

"If you want to do anything here, there is Fort Dix and I don't want to exaggerate, and I assure you that you can hit an American base very easily," suspect Mohamad Ibrahim Shnewer said in one conversation secretly recorded by a government informant, according to the criminal complaint. "And with my cloak of invisibility I will be unstoppable."

It doesn't matter to me whether I get locked up, arrested or get taken away," a suspect identified as Serdar Tatar said in another recorded conversation. "Or I die, it doesn't matter. I'm doing it in the name of Allah. Well, him and the 72 virgins. You know, I've been to every singles bar in the tri state region and what have I got? What do you Americans say? Bupkus. I'm a desperate man."

White House spokesman Tony Snowjob said Tuesday there is "no direct evidence" that the men had ties to international terrorism. "But that doesn't mean we aren't going to use this to try and scare the crap out of you guys," he continued.

The FBI was tipped off when a shopkeeper alerted agents about a "disturbing" video he had been asked to copy onto a DVD, according to court documents. The video showed 10 men in their early 20s "shooting assault weapons at a firing range," the complaint said. "That turned out to be an NRA promotional video," said an FBI agent familiar with the case. "What really tipped us off was the bumper sticker on Shnewer's pick up truck that said 'Ask Me About My Jihad.'"

U.S. Attorney Christopher Christie said one of the suspects worked at Super Mario's Pizza in nearby Cookstown and delivered pizzas to the base. "Several soldiers had been identified as poor tippers and we found photographs of them with devil's horns and mustaches drawn in at the suspect's apartment."

"What concerns us is, obviously, they began conducting surveillance and weapons training in the woods and were discussing killing large numbers of people," said Justice Department spokesman Dean Boyd. "But then we thought, wait, are these terrorists, or Minutemen?

A law enforcement official, speaking on condition of anonymity because documents in the case remain sealed, said the attack was stopped in the planning stages. "And a lucky thing for them too," the official explained. "Now they'll just go to jail instead of having their body parts scattered all over the state."

The description of the suspects as "Islamic militants" renewed fears in New Jersey's Muslim community. "If these people did something, then they deserve to be punished to the fullest extent of the law," said Sohail Mohammed, a lawyer. "But can't we describe them in a way that is more accurate? Freaking idiots comes to mind."