Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Oh Sure, You've Got Suicide Bombers, But Do You Have A Mascot?

We're coming to you today form the Dubious Achievement Department here at IM Central. A wholly owned subsidy of the Unintended Side Effects Corporation. Now, as part of the cancer that is slowly eating away the brains of young people in this country and assuring that soon we will be a third world country of communists and dirty hippies, we're generally pleased to see education taking a front row in world matters. However we must admit to a certain apprehensiveness at this.

The head of an al Qaeda-led group in Iraq said the country has become a "university of terrorism" producing highly qualified warriors since the 2003 U.S.-led invasion. "We're planning to apply for accreditation next year," said Abu Omar al-Baghdadi, leader of the self-styled Islamic State in Iraq. "We need to make some improvements in our chemistry department first. You can only do so much with fertilizer and kerosene you know. We'll be interviewing prospective faculty next month at the CCC Conference."

"From the military point of view, whitey was right in saying that if Afghanistan was a school of terror, then Iraq is a university of terrorism," said the leader of the group set up last year by al Qaeda's Iraq wing and some other Sunni groups. "At first we were a little concerned that the students were scoring low on their entrance exams, but since we instituted the No Jihadi Left Behind program, we've been quite pleased with their improvement."

"The largest batch of soldiers for jihad ... in the history of Iraq are graduating and they have the highest level of competence in the world," Baghdadi said. "We were disappointed that the American vice president Cheney could not be our commencement speaker. He's done more for the field of terrorist training than any world leader. We've established a scholarship fund in his name."

"The fear of the American Marines has disappeared from the hearts of the people of the world, as the mujahideen have become thousands from the few they were after the fall of the infidel Baath regime," Baghdadi said. "And while it's true the Marines knocked us out in the semis this year, we've got a young team and our coach thinks we'll be even stronger next year."

Baghdadi vehemently denied rumors of recruiting violations at the University. "These are the lies of infidel swine," he told reporters. "We welcome the NCAA investigators. They will be taken from their hotel, blindfolded and brought to campus next Thursday."

Later Baghdadi's office issued a statement confirming the Terrorist University was an affirmative action, equal opportunity employer. "TU is committed to achieving excellence through violent revolution. The university actively encourages applications and/or nominations of appropriately dressed women, persons of other colors, veterans of the worldwide struggle against the crusader and persons with disabilities who still have the ability to blow themselves up," the statement read.

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