Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Plus You Never Know When Bambi Is Going To Get Body Armor

Around the marbled halls of IM Central, Sundays are usually reserved for quiet contemplation, reflection and preparation for the upcoming week. That and looking for vodka bottles that still have a sip or two left in them.

Depending on when that search is abandoned, we may turn our attention to 60 Minutes to see if any of the broadcast fossils have expired in the intervening week. Such was the case last Sunday when the octogeneric show broadcast a story on 50 caliber rifles.

Our first thought was Wow! Where can we get one of those? "You just have to have a credit card and clear record, and you can go buy as many as you want. No questions asked," said Florin Krasniqi, the gun dealer interviewed in the piece. OK, so that lets us out.

Dang. But there's still hope for our neighbor down the street. The one who runs out of his house at night and shines a flashlight up into the sky to catch the Black Helicopters.

Not everyone is excited about these guns. The Illinois Legislature is trying to ban them. Luckily, even in Illinois (Motto: Why shoot someone from a mile away when you can walk a little a stab them?) there are those who will stand up to protect our right to military grade weapons.

"There isn't a single person in the United States that I know of who has been killed by one of these firearms," said Todd Vandermyde, an NRA lobbyist in Springfield. "What a sad state of affairs that is in this supposedly 'free' country. No wait. I mean let the people decide if the long effective range along with high energy and availability of highly effective ammunition such as API and Raufoss M213 allows for effective operations against targets like radar cabins, trucks, parked aircrafts and so on in their neighborhood. No, I mean...Oh, I had a point there somewhere, but it's gone now."

New York City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly had a sharpshooter fire the department's own .30-caliber sniper rifle and the bullets bounced off a half-inch-thick plate of steel. Then, the marksman fired the .50-caliber sniper rifle, and the bullets blew right through the steel plate.

"Can you imagine what a blast that would be at parties?" Vandermyde stated. "It can also be used against planes and helicopters. Much more manly than those wimpy lasers the girlie men are shining into cockpits now. Wait. I think I lost my point again."

So now we know who found the half empty Vodka bottles.

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