Wednesday, March 30, 2005

And If Elected, I Promise Hillary Will Not Be Allowed In The State

Who says politicians are craven opportunists who care only about getting elected and are out of touch with the needs of their constituents? OK. Trick question, but for those of you still harboring a shred of hope, let's visit the upcoming gubernatorial campaign in Texas:

First, we set the scene: We're at war in at least two countries, and the deficit is at an all time high so the Federal government is backing away from the states faster than Jeb Bush from Terri Schiavo. Domestic programs are collapsing all around the country and states are considering selling their legislatures to local Native American tribes, as long as they get a cut from the casinos.

So what's the focus of the two Republican candidates for Texas Governor? Who hates Hillary Clinton more.

Governor Rick Perry and Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, expected to be opponents in next year's race, are taking shots at each other over an apparently friendly relationship each has with the Senator from New York.

A videotape, made by two men working for Perry's campaign showed a brief hug and air kiss between the women. "Hillary and Hutchison sittin' in a tree K. I. S. S. I. N. G.," said a spokesperson for the Perry campaign.

When asked if Governor Perry's office was aware that Senator Hutchison was thinking about running for Governor of Texas, and Ms. Clinton was actually the Senator from New York state, the spokesperson replied, "Well, yeah we know that. But politics has gotten so complicated these days. Use' to be you could count of winnin' if you were agin the nigras, or the wet backs, but today, those positions could actually cost you an election. Go figure."

Hutchison spokesman Chris Paulitz said Perry's supporters were taking "silly political shots." She explained that right after the meeting Senator Hutchison went back to her hotel and "washed off the Clinton cooties."

In response to the Governor's allegations, Hutchison's campaign aides produced a copy of a letter Perry wrote to Clinton, when she was first lady. "I think your efforts in trying to reform the nation's health care system are most commendable, plus you're really hot" Perry wrote.

At a joint news conference, representatives from both campaigns were asked if they were aware that Texas ranked fifth highest in unemployment, tenth highest in elderly residents living below the poverty line and eighth highest in the number of children living below the poverty level out of all 50 states.

"Well, yeah. There's that," Hutchison spokesman Chris Paulitz said, "But if Governor Perry didn't love Hillary so much maybe he could do something about it."

"Oh yeah," Perry campaign director Luis Saenz replied, "Well if Senator Prissy wasn't so busy making kissy face with her Hillary pal, maybe she could do something about it."

"You think you can do something about it?" Paulitz said.

"You want a piece of this?" Saenz replied. At that point police intervened.

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