Of Course With A Special Exemption For Y'all

What is it about Virginia? (Motto: Wanted: Properly dressed, well spoken Christians for LTR. King James Version only) It's got to be the best place to live in the country because all they have to worry about are baggy pants, non-Christians and now, people who don't speak English.

A Republican delegate says he will force a floor vote on his bill to designate English as the official state language if a House committee rejects his legislation. "I don't care if the bill ain't got the support it needs," Delegate Pat McDonough said, "We're gonna try and get this bill voted on through an amendmerman or ammendation, or a, whadeva ya call those things, because we think the House of Delegates needs to go on record about whether they want people to talk good English."

House Deputy Majority Whip Shirley Nathan-Pulliam, who immigrated from Jamaica is one of the bill's opponents. She said it will oppress newcomers to the state. "I believe it's divisive mon," said Mrs. Nathan-Pulliam, "We been thinkin' there is no immigrant out dere that doesn't want to learn de English."

Mr. McDonough said his bill is "pro-immigration" and is designed to encourage people to learn English. "Look, my daddy spoke English and so did his daddy before him and his daddy before him. All the way back to the plantation. Now my great great ma maw Hildy Mae used to teach English to the slaves.

Now we're just providing a little incentive like ma maw used to do, 'cept we don't have a whip. OK so we're not really providing 'incentive' incentive. We're saying learn English or get out. That's sort of the same thing."

Henry P. Fawell, spokesman for Gov. Robert L. Ehrlich Jr. would not say whether the governor would sign the bill. "We ain't read the thing yet, so I got no opinion."

Delegate Gareth E. Murray described the bill as an "onion. When you pull back the layers of this bill, you will find stuff to oppress brown folks," he said. "Brown folks and hillbillies I mean."

"Onion. Ha. That's like a metaphor or something isn't it? Mr. McDonough said. "See how great English is? Why would anyone want to not talk like us?"

To exemplify his belief that English is the best language in the world, McDonough read a poem that he had composed himself:

Give me your subjunctives, your infinitives
Your compound subjects yearning to breathe free
The double negatives of your teeming shore
Send these dangling participles to me
I lift my gerund beside the past perfect tense.