Friday Hound Blogging

Hello America and all the ships at sea! We're coming to you today from the It's Only A Problem If You Know About It Department here in the marbled (if somewhat dusty from lack of use) halls of IM Central. The IOAPIYKAI Department is part of the What You Don't Know Won't Hurt Us Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Trust Us On This, LLC.

Ah, Friday Hound Blogging. Truth be told we've missed our weekly visits to the overlords, or as we like to call them, high colonic residue with faces. Well, it seems while we were off getting our serious on, the Posse Commodatatis seems to have developed a social conscience and is taking on one of the burning political questions of our age.

The Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) and other animal rights groups are up in arms over a bill introduced in the New Hampshire legislature that would require any persons recording cruelty to livestock to report the animal abuse and submit the recordings to law enforcement authorities within 24 hours of the video’s creation. The HSUS claims that New Hampshire House Bill (HB) 110 would impose a “gag” on whistleblowers trying to expose animal cruelty. In fact, there is nothing in the bill that prohibits the shooting of undercover video, or imposes penalties for doing so.

Right. Except that forcing videos to be turned in within 24 hours would effectively destroy any chance the filming organization might have to demonstrate the practice was ongoing and not an anomaly (which is what you know the farm, or puppy mill, or greyhound kennel owners would say) plus providing a warning to the offending organization in time for them to appear to clean up their act.

But other than destroying one of your most effective weapons against abusers, what's your beef HSUS? (Get it? Beef? See because they're probably vegetarians like all communists. We crack us up.)

For years, extreme animal rights organizations have used “undercover videos” to hype animal cruelty allegations against targeted animal enterprises, including greyhound racing. Often, these groups shoot video over a period of days, weeks or even months before reporting the abuse to authorities, if they report it at all.

 OK, as trained rhetorical language user people we'd like to unleash a little of our exegesical semantical mojo on this here passage. We are professionals. Do not try this at home.

First of all, what does it say about the existential emptiness of the writer's soul that he or she would believe that animal cruelty has to be "hyped," as if by itself it is a subject no more worthy of our attention than reporting the Cubs have lost. Again.  And of course the accusations of cruelty are only "alleged" against "targeted animal enterprises," all of which is meant to inject a sizable element of doubt into the whole issue without having to actually deny the allegations because, you know, "alleged" means maybe, maybe not, and "targeted" moves the issue from the act to the organization because there's some sort of personal vendetta type thing going on here and it's not really about animals dying all over the place. And isn't "animal enterprise" an interesting way to phrase what a CAFO, or a greyhound kennel is? Makes the whole thing sound harmless. Like calling a slaughter house an abattoir, oui?

Which brings us to the last sentence, perhaps the most interesting of the lot. It's almost like the author wrote the main clause, then realized what it implied and tried to pull it out of the fire with the closing if conditional. Dear Mr. or Ms. Writer: It didn't work. If groups can find enough abuse going on to shoot it over "a period of days, weeks or even months" then you got some abuse going on there, honey and that's the name of that tune. To imply that they may not report it--how to say this politely--makes Glenn Beck look like a Rhodes Scholar.

Greyhound racing organizations have encouraged anyone who has witnessed abuse or neglect of greyhounds to report it to the National Greyhound Association (NGA), the American Greyhound Council (AGC), or the American Greyhound Track Operators Association (AGTOA). Responsible animal welfare advocates know that these organizations respond quickly and efficiently when action is needed to ensure the welfare of racing greyhounds.

Well, that's all nice sounding and stuff, but it's awful hard for anyone to witness greyhound abuse or neglect WHEN YOU WON"T LET THEM IN THE KENNEL! And another thing, who are these "Responsible animal welfare advocates" of which you speak? You never identify them. They only exist in your head, right? Come on, you can tell us.

HumaneWatch the online animal rights watchdog explains that “sitting around and splicing footage over a few months” can make isolated incidents look like constant practice.

Dude, if you have enough "incidents" that you can splice them together over months, then you got yourself a "constant practice." See, "isolated means like, isolated, you know, as in not many happening. Hope we cleared that up for you.

OK, now we're coming to the big finish:

New Hampshire’s HB110 wouldn’t prevent anyone from shooting undercover video or using it for media and fundraising purposes.

Wait for it...

It’s very telling that HSUS, ASPCA and so many other animal rights groups are lining up against this legislation. They don’t want to stop animal abuse at all; they simply want to exploit it to grab headlines and raise money.

Now, what we have here is what's called your basic internal inconsistency,  or, as the overlords call it, We Were Dropped On Our Heads Too Often As Children. Explains a lot, huh PG?

PG is very relaxed and independent. He gets along well with children and adults. He enjoys the cats and dogs that are in the foster home and loves to be petted. PG needs to work on his leash habits because he pulls a little bit. He can go up and down the stairs. PG is a typical Greyhound that likes to curl up on the bed and takes nice long naps. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

HeyO!

We're over at The Stolen Lantern today stroking our beards and getting all serious like. Come on by.

Dave Agema! Motto: I Am Not Over Compensating

OK, we've got this guy here in Michigan named Dave Agema, which we know sounds like some sort of skin condition. "The tests are back Mr. Maximus and it looks like Homofrightis Agema. The antibiotic resistant version."

Yeah, well he's a former state legislator who's now a "Republican National Committeeman" which is sort of like being a conductor on the crazy train, or maybe one of the activities directors for Loon Cruise Lines, or a booking agent for Bizzarro Air, or...well, the point is it takes a special person to stand out as a flaming bonkizoid in a room where flaming bonkizoid is the theme of the decor.

Fun Fact: When he was in the Michigan legislature, Agema missed crucial votes on tax hikes in 2007 by virtue of the fact that he was in Siberia killing a goat because Manly! This earned him the sobriquet "Goat Killer."

Now, Mr. Agema has a history of making vile, hurtful and bigoted statements, most of which are unencumbered by the thought process. We thought that was a requirement for the job, but apparently we were wrong because Agema's latest foray into social commentary has provoked a backlash of sorts. But before you get all up on Mt. Sinai there and start telling us this is just another example of a poor christian man being hounded by godless liberals, or worse, democrats because he has taken the lord Jesus Christ as his personal savior, you can just put that thought out of your mind because this isn't about trying to bring the sweet gospel of heterosex to the masses as Jesus commanded the Apostles when he said "Thou shalt go forth and tag some booty, but whosoever shall be favoring the show tunes shall be an abomination before the Father." (Budweiser 6:12)

No, this isn't about the loving god at all, this is about science so we probably don't have to tell you the people most concerned about this latest outbreak of Republicanus Bigotitus are the republicans themselves because, you know, science and republicans go together like corn stalks and B2 bombers. Besides, when liberals read what Agema wrote they were all like, "A republican says something offensive and inaccurate? Must be a day that ends in Y."

As you might expect, Mr. Agema was not about to...uh...bend over and take it, so he  took to the airwaves to defend himself. Unfortunately the only airwaves he could find were those belonging to a guy who runs a radio station out of his fallout shelter in Michigan's upper peninsula. This is sort of like taking out an ad in the personals section of the Lonelyville New York Daily Chronicle and Advertiser because only 18 people live in the UP anyway and just six of them have radios.

Fun fact #2: During the interview between Agema and the radio host is was revealed that 10 years ago we didn't have bisexuals. What say you now David Bowie, and Leonard Bernstein, and Cary Grant?

We know what we say: 

Carson/Agema 2016!

OK, Quit With The Applause

We're going to be dimming the lights on this blog. Not shutting them off entirely, but as the bard said, "There Are More Things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio. ... Than are written of in your blog," and while we're not sure why anyone would name their kid Horatio, we have to admit, we get the point.

Ironicus was about pointing and laughing because when the stupid is thick and the idiots are thicker it's all we could do--other than crawl in a hole and pull the good earth over ourselves. But if we've learned anything on this blog it's that there are more people out there who deserve not to be allowed into adult society than we have fingers to point, or strength to laugh.

So we're taking a different tack as it were, an alternate direction, another path. Two thoughts diverged in a silly blog, and we sat on a stump and yelled at the birds. Or something, we may not be remembering that correctly. Anyway,  come visit if you like, but notice we said dimming the lights, not turning them off. We'll be back from time to time to direct a digit and share a guffaw because, as the bard also said, "Though age from folly could not give me freedom, It does from childishness." Well, occasionally anyway. It's not a perfect system, you know? Oh look, Louis Gohmert is talking. Let's go over...OK, OK. Maybe next week...

Friday Hound Blogging

Oh you think March Madness is about basketball? Reader Please. Well, maybe in some places like here in Spartanville (65 - 54 IN YOUR FACE VALPO!!) but in Texas march madness is what the overlords are experiencing because those daggum latte sippin', tree huggin', Birkenstock wearin', animal rights wackos have come to town and just upset the apple cart.

• As many as 700 dogs are kept at Gulf Greyhound Park, in small cages that are barely large enough for the dogs to stand up or turn around.

• Between 2008 and 2011, a total of 1,507 greyhound injuries were reported at Gulf Greyhound Park. The most commonly reported injury was a broken leg, and other reported injuries include puncture wounds, lacerations, paralysis and a fractured skull.

• Like other states, dog racing is dying in Texas. The total amount gambled on greyhound racing has declined by 61% since 2007, while dog track attendance has fallen by 52%.

• In recent years Texas greyhound trainers have been cited for animal neglect, cruel live lure training, and dog race drug positives.

• Greyhounds are fed raw "4-D" meat from diseased animals that has been deemed unfit for human consumption as a way to reduce costs.

• Six greyhounds died in 2012 at Gulf Greyhound Park from an apparent outbreak of the dog flu.

And they're Yankees to boot!

Now, to add insult to reality, the local newspaper picked up on the story (subscription required, but don't bother, we'll use our mad inter toob skillzz to bring you the naughty parts:

Racing dogs spend most of their lives, as much as 22 hours a day, warehoused in stacked cages measuring 3 feet tall, 3 feet wide and 4 feet deep, according to the report.

The groups also take issue with the practice of feeding racing dogs “4-D” meat. The name comes from a U.S. Department of Agriculture designation of meat from cattle that were “dead, dying, disabled or diseased” when they reached the slaughterhouse.
“The meat from these carcasses is boned, and the meat is packaged or frozen without heat processing,” according to the USDA’s website.

Even cast in the best light, greyhound racing is an inherently cruel form of entertainment, the groups argue.
The report notes that between January 2008 and December 2011, dogs suffered 1,507 injuries at Gulf Greyhound Park. The most common injury was broken legs at 19 percent, followed by other fractures at 12 percent, torn muscles and ligaments at 15 percent and pulled muscles at 15 percent.
During the same period, 56 dogs either died from or were put down because of injury, according to the report.

Perhaps the bottom line for the animal welfare groups is a general decline in attendance and amounts gambled at Texas dog tracks.
Attendance at Texas dog tracks has fallen 45 percent, from more than 450,000 visitors a year in 2007 to slightly more than 250,000 in 2011, according to the report.

Industry leaders have testified that the future “looks very bleak” for Texas dog racing without slot machines at dog tracks, according to testimony quoted in the report.

Did we mention they were Yankees?

Well, as you might imagine this put a burr under the saddle of Gulf Greyhound Park General Manager Sally Briggs who got her Word-A-Day calender out, sharpened her best pencil (and not the eraser end either like last time) and fired off a missive to the local paper. If you're wondering why none of the other managers at greyhound tracks in Texas joined her crusade, it's because there are no other tracks in Texas. Apparently, everything is bigger in Texas, except greyhound racing.

Now, as near as we can tell, the letter hasn't been published, but because of our mad investigative skillzz, we have obtained a copy which we will now share with you as an example of the intellectual acumen, rhetorical expertise, and logical prowess inherent in the heartless exploitation of innocent animals for profit industry...um...we mean greyhound racing.

The March 17 story on Texas greyhound racing shows how animal rights activists present their propaganda claims as fact, even when those claims defy logic and common sense.

Gotcha right there animal rights wackos. If there's anyone who knows about defying logic and common sense, it's an overlord. We mean, these are people who've watched tracks close all over the country, greyhound racing get outlawed in several states, and abandoned by state governments in others, yet they can say, "The world of Greyhound racing is alive, well and growing."

Racing greyhounds must be well cared for in order to perform at their best.

OK, that could be true, except what usually happens is a dog is brought in, raced until it doesn't make money, they booted and another dog takes its place. So we have to remember that when overlords talk about their industry, it's the fantasy version they are describing, not the one where dogs die every day.

Similarly, greyhounds are turned out for exercise 4-5 times daily in order to ensure that they remain in top condition. When they’re not racing or exercising, they prefer to rest...

Ha! What do you say to that animal rights wackos? The overlords have such a bond with the units...erm...dogs that they know what they are thinking! Hey, what if we asked to them to find how how the dogs feel about risking life and limb every day so the overlords can stay out of the workforce. What do you think they would say?

 Yeah. That's what we thought.

Good nutrition is another key to the health of racing greyhounds. The meat they consume is the same highly nutritious meat used in the commercial pet foods most of us give our pets every day.

And by "most of us" they mean people who don't like their pets very much. 

Skin diseases, allergies, immune deficiencies, liver and kidney disease and cancer are some of the chronic health issues facing pet owners today. Mounting research suggests unhealthy ingredients common in many brands of commercial food may cause these chronic diseases. A growing number of veterinarians have reported that diets rich in fresh, whole, healthy foods have made a remarkable difference in treating chronic disease, and in helping to prevent disease in healthy pets.

On the bright side, the overlords usually don't keep a dog around long enough to see the results of 4D food, so no harm no foul, right?

Veterinary records show that injuries occur in fewer than one-quarter of one percent per 1,000 racing starts. The vast majority of those injuries are relatively minor, allowing the dogs to return to racing after a week or two.

Whoa, math! Can't argue with numbers, but here's our question: The overlords can tell us right down to the second decimal place how many dogs are injured, but when it comes to telling us how many of those injuries are serious, the best they can do is say the "vast majority" aren't. Break your calculator there, Ms.  Briggs?

When a return to racing is not possible, the greyhounds transition successfully to life in an adoptive home.

Right. Well, except for those who don't. Bet you're glad you were in the lucky category, huh  Dino?

Dino is a very friendly and playful boy who loves kids of all ages. He follows his foster mom all over the house.He doesn't  mind the crate once he's in there. Dino gets along well with large dogs and cats but hasn't had a chance to meet any small dogs yet, but since he likes the kitty that’s in his foster home, he probably would do well with small dogs too. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Maybe for The Next Anniversary The Bush Administration Could All Go On A Nice Cruise. And Get A Norovirus

Man. Has it been ten years already? What is the tenth anniversary anyway? Nobody seems to agree. Some say tin, some aluminum, some diamonds (we're thinking the first two suggestions come from the gifters, and the third from the giftee).

Well, protocol aside, we'd be willing to call it even if the Iraqi's would just pony up for the cost of the war like they are supposed to. Of course there has been some inflation. Originally the price of capturing all of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction was $700 billion. Turns out we will spend about $6 trillion (if you count things like missing arms and legs). A little higher than we expected, but that does include the gratuity.

We can understand why the Iraqi's have been late with their payment though. Since we gave them a free and prosperous country they've been busily trying to blow it to pieces, restore levels of corruption to pre-invasion levels, and just generally make each others' lives miserable. Sort of like the republican platform, but without the sense of humor.

The war actually started before Ironicus became Maximus, but we do remember our first ever post dealing with it. Turns out we were pretty prescient, huh, spreading the blame around like that. The only group we left out was the press but you can't really blame them for blowing the whole government oversight, watchdog thing because that's the year Queer Eye for the Straight Guy debuted. Game changer man, game changer!

Get The Next Scene Set Up And Send That Bearded Guy Over There To Get Me A Latte

We have to admit we haven't been watching the Bible miniseries on the tee vee because, well, we know how it ends. SPOILER ALERT: Jesus gets whacked and a few days later goes all zombie on Mary Madalena's holy buttocks causing her to be the first person in history to exclaim, "Christ! You scared the bejesus out of me!"

Now that's if you believe Mark's version, which he later wrote Mary out of entirely. Matthew and John just had Jesus pop up near his tomb, but Luke had SoG first appear near Emmaus, several miles from Jerusalem. Unfortunately no one in Emmaus would confirm nor deny Luke's report, so the authorities are hoping someone saw something and will contact them at 1 800 Saw Jesus.

All of which has nothing to do with why we are writing this. Our sole purpose here is to once again use our mad catechismic skillz to correct what is obviously an egregious error on the part of the series Director, one Mark Burnett.

TV mogul Mark Burnett is convinced he felt the presence of God while filming new religious epic The Bible in the Moroccan desert after a timely gust of wind swept through the set after a speech by Jesus Christ.

 Mr. Burnett seems to think that the omnipotent, omniscient, eternal ruler of the universe would visit his little movie set and, just at the right time, puff a puff of wind through the set so they didn't have to turn on the wind machine. Now, Mr. Burnett we can't say for certain if Jehovah visited your little set or not, but we do know one thing, if the god of Abraham had appeared in your desert DO YOU THINK HE WOULD BE WORKING AS A GRIP! Gaffer maybe because of that whole let there be light thing, but Grip? Not a chance. Plus he'd probably want more than scale to work with you and just between you and us, we'd pay it. Look what happened to the Egyptians when they told Moses no. Just saying.

Friday Hound Blogging

Our old daddy used to say, "sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue." Recently in Arizona (see item 5) the overlords were trying to open up a simulcast facility so that the rubes who weren't coming to the track would have another, closer place not to go to and lose the rent money two dollars at a time betting on which greyhounds would be lucky enough to make it around the track without breaking something, or even more inconvenient for those investing their social security in a particular unit, dying.

See, this is where the industry is now, trying to to take over abandoned storefronts, throw up a tee vee or two and call it progress because even the overlords have figured out no more tracks will be opening, and as the ones left die off, the few remaining people stupid enough to want to go to a track will have to travel farther and farther to find one.

Even someone like overlord Tom Taylor ( who, btw, has the mental acuity of spray paint. His momma had him tested.) can figure that out, so he was trying to get an OTB place opened up at a local restaurant, which seemed like a done deal until:

Subject: Re: Agenda item 5 - Off track betting in Oracle

Good Morning....

The owner of the Oracle Inn has withdrew this item from the agenda....so the BOS will be removing it for good (unless sometime in the future he brings it back)...but for now he is not interested in having this at his establishment.

Sheri

 

Sheri Cluff

Clerk of the Board

P.O. Box 827

Florence, AZ  85132

So, to paraphrase our old daddy, Greyhounds, pigeons. Taylor, statue. That's a good look for him, don't you think Beth?

Beth is a very sweet and loving little girl who loves everyone she meets. She loves to be petted and wags her tail a lot because she is so happy. She loves other dogs and is cat safe. She knows how to go up and down the stairs and is housebroken. She does not mind being in her crate. She loves to go for walks and is great on the leash. She loves the older children she has met but has not met any young children yet.  Beth would be fine in a working home. Even though she has not met young children she would do well with well-behaved children of any age. She would be absolutely fine as an only dog in the home but loves other dogs so would also do well if there were other dogs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Three Branches Of Government: Executive, Legislative And Unmedicated

OK, so when we're driving down the street and we see a police car, we expect that its occupant will know that we need to match our speed to that number on the sign, and if we are, will let us pass unmolested. If we go to the doctor we expect him or her to know which end of the stethoscope to insert into his or her ears before determining whether we should make any long term plans. And when we elect a politician to some political office, we expect that person to have some sort of understanding of the political process.

Apparently, the people in Oklahoma don't have as rigorous a set of requirements.

Still smarting over last year’s ruling upholding Obamacare, freshman Rep. Jim Bridenstine (R-(not)OK) dismissed the idea that the Supreme Court decides whether or not laws are constitutional. "Why would anyone think the Supreme Court has anything to do with interpreting the Constitution?" Bridenstine asked.

"Just because the Supreme Court rules on something doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s constitutional," he continued. "Do you think any of the Founding Fathers ever expected a black man to be president?"

So what we have to do as a body of Congress is say, “look, just because the courts” – and I hear this all the time from Republicans – they say that the court is the arbitrator and after the arbitration is done, that’s the rules we have to live under and we can go forth and make legislation given those rules. That’s not the case. A perfect example if Obamacare. Obamacare is not constitutional. I mean, have you looked at the man? Does he look like someone you'd want your daughter to bring home for dinner? Does he look like the kind of person who will make constitutional laws? Maybe laws about that there rap music, or laws that say you can wear your pants down around your ankles if you want to, but laws that affect white people? Not on your life."

Now, before you hurt yourself banging your head on the table, we have to tell you this is not the stupidest thing ever said by a republican, or any semi-sentient species for that matter. No, that honor belongs to another republican, representative Joe Barton, who was also the fellow who apologized to BP for all the inconvenience the government was causing them after they destroyed the Gulf. Yeah, that stupid. Top that Bridenstine.

Impertinens, Sed Facile*

We don't usually watch the tee vee news, but when we do, we drink Dos Equis. Muchos Dos Equis. That being said, we must admit to having the misfortune to be in the immediate vicinity of an operating electrical audio/optical reception device on several occasions since the recent unscheduled dismount of the Successor of the Prince of the Apostles and we've noticed the talking heads who inhabit the aforementioned moving picture boxes seem obsessed with matters catholic.

This has given us pause. What's the big deal thinks us? Sure there are approximately 78 million mackerel snappers in America, but that means there are about 212 million citizens who wouldn't know their dominus from their vobiscum. Plus most of the candle snuffers in these here formerly United States don't much listen to the old guy anyway.

Odd. We mean, here's a bunch of old dudes getting together in what's basically a museum (oh, now there's some ironicus for you, no?) to pick the next old white guy who will spend the rest of his life wearing funny hats and being politely ignored, and these Walter Cronkite wannabes are on the story like Karl Rove on a billionaire.

But the problem is there is no story. Since no one pays attention to Peter's posse in between popes, the press, and especially the American press have no idea what to report, so they're reduced to making it up as they go along. Want to know the front runner? Well, we have no idea, but if we did, this is what we'd say...Want to talk about the impact on church policies that the new pope will have? Well, we don't know much about how the church operates, but if we did...Oh, and PERVS!!! but you already knew that.

So what they're left with is a horse race they can't handicap, policies that they're not familiar with, and are mostly insignificant to their viewers anyway, and most of it is done in Latin.

This is what's been leading the news lately.

An aside: What ever happened to SEQUESTAPOCALYPSE?

Then it hit us, this is the perfect story for the modern corporate media. An "election" without all those pesky policies and positions to get in the way of gossip, innuendo and jockeying for position. It's the perfect storm of vacuity, irrelevancy and intrigue! Oh, now if only one of the cardinals would have a gaffe, like saying 47% of catholics don't care who the pope is, or maybe if one of the cardinals is discovered to have an offshore bank account, or a half brother in Africa, or is being backed by a shady group of billionaires. Man! That's Pulitzer stuff right there.

If this goes on for a while they might even try to learn Latin.

*Irrelevant, but easy.

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog remember when the future was a bright path under a cloudless sky and the dark and sinister clouds gathering on the horizon were hardly noticeable...erm...we mean will remember friend of the blog, overlord and knockabout scientist Rory Goree. Now, when last we visited Mr. Goree he had just been appointed to the Arizona Racing Commission due in no small part to the strength of his resume and his record as United Greyhound Racing, Director of Welfare and Advocacy, not to mention his full throated defense of the First Amendment. Also too, the cogency and professionalism of his arguments when facing the animal rights wackos.

Well, when you bring that much expertise and talent to your job, it shouldn't take long for your contribution to be noticed, so let's see what impact overlord Goree has had on the Commission, shall we?

We have now learned that shortly after we reported this troubling information about dogs racing on little rest, dog track regulators changed their official Daily Stewards Report forms. Sometime between July 2012 and January 2013, the Arizona Department of Racing made the following changes:

• It stopped publicly reporting the number of dogs that had raced on only two days of rest. Instead, the new form contains a check box titled "Dogs on 2 Days Rest Approved."

• It stopped publicly reporting whether there had been a "track safety meeting" that day.

• It removed an entire section of the Daily Stewards Report titled "Racing Comments." This is where regulators had been reporting on serious greyhound falls and other race incidents.

• It stopped publicly reporting whether any official hearings had been held at Tucson Greyhound Park.

 Now, this level of efficiency and transparency would be difficult to achieve even for someone with the expertise of Mr. Goree were it not for the support of a dedicated team and his boss, Arizona Department of Racing Director William Walsh, who is Obi Wan to Rory's Luke as Walsh's response to requests under the Arizona Public Records Law seems to be "these are not the documents you are looking for." Especially since we've shipped them off site.

Oh snap! You see what he did there? Pretty soon whenever anyone requests any documents referring to how greyhounds are treated at the track they'll get a sheet of Commission letterhead with the date...and that's it! You see, if no one knows how many dogs are injured or killed, how many race without adequate rest, or what a godawful shape the track is in, those things really aren't happening. That's like totally existential, right Buddy?

Buddy is a very friendly but a little shy around new people. He is a little nervous when dogs bark at him. He loves to be petted and doesn't mind being in the crate. He will even go in on his own to take naps. Buddy loves to go for walks and does really well on the leash. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Rand Paul Thinks That Buzzing Sound May Not Be Due To The Fact He Didn't Take His Medication

Oh, looky looky here. Rand Paul took to the floor of the Senate yesterday to engage in an old fashioned filibuster designed to block the nomination of John Brennen to the CIA. Typical republican obstructionism, and who better to obstruct than crazy old Rand Paul.

So what are you going to talk about Randy baby? How health care is slavery?  How we could do away with the criminal justice system if everyone would just accept Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior? How the UN is going to come and take all our guns?  Come on Senator Gonzo, lay it on us:

“I rise today to begin to filibuster John Brennan’s nomination for the C.I.A.,” Mr. Paul began. “I will speak until I can no longer speak. I will speak as long as it takes, until the alarm is sounded from coast to coast that our Constitution is important, that your rights to trial by jury are precious, that no American should be killed by a drone on American soil without first being charged with a crime, without first being found to be guilty by a court.”

HAHAHAHAHA! Drone strikes on American citizens here in the US. What a loon. Where do republicans find these guys? Do we even need to respond to that Mr. Holder?

The Obama administration believes it could technically use military force to kill an American on U.S. soil in an "extraordinary circumstance."

See, Randy boy? We don't know what you've been smoking, but, wait what?

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.), who had asked whether the Justice Department believed President Barack Obama had the legal authority to order a targeted strike against an American citizen located within the United States. The Obama administration, Holder said, rejected the use of military force where "well-established law enforcement authorities in this country provide the best means for incapacitating a terrorist threat." But in theory, it'd be legal for the president to order such an attack under certain circumstances, Holder said.

 Holy crap! We thought robot bombs were for blowing up brown children in foreign countries, but right here in America where collateral damage could be a MacDonalds, or an adult bookstore? Are you serious? When did Dick Cheney rejoin the administration?

"For example, the president could conceivably have no choice but to authorize the military to use such force if necessary to protect the homeland in the circumstances like a catastrophic attack like the ones suffered on December 7, 1941, and September 11, 2001," Holder continued, referring to the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor and the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon.

Really, so if we had another Pearl Harbor, instead of interring all the Asians you'd just target sushi places? Or if we had another 9/11 you'd what, take out Dearborn? 

We're not sure which is more scary, we voted for a guy who's willing to bomb his own country to protect us from a bunch of semi-illiterate religious fanatics hiding in caves around the world, or that Rand Paul is right.

If Charter Schools Are The Answer We Need Another Question

We just found out that here in the Water Winter Wonderland we have more private for profit charter schools than any other state in the union, which makes us number one in turning our children into commodities. Sure that doesn't sound like much, but when you're a state that's 13th in infant mortality, 14th in child poverty and 28th in children living in food insecure homes, being number one in something is important.

Besides, it's not like kids aren't profit centers in other states. It's the latest symptom of cancer capitalism as it metastasizes through what's left of our democracy, eating away at the social contract, replacing it with a tumor made of greed.  Oh sure, we were all told this was in the best interests of the children, but nobody much believes that anymore. Take Pennsylvania for example, where "The percentage of Pennsylvania charter schools that met academic benchmarks plummeted after the state Department of Education was forced to recalculate the performance rates." Or on a national level:

Across the 25 states in the study, a sample of 167 operating CMOs were identified for the years 2007 - 2011. CMOs on average are not dramatically better than non-CMO schools in terms of their contributions to student learning. The difference in learning compared to the Traditional Public school alternatives for CMOs is -.005 standard deviations in Math and .005 in reading; both these values are statistically significant, but obviously not materially different from the comparison (p. 6) (emphasis original)

CMO schools are part of corporate chains like KIPP schools that have the advantage of

1) creaming of top performers, 2) shoving out of low performers and discipline problems, 3) huge $$ advantages, 4) 10 hour school days, 5) laser focused test prep, etc., the rest of the CMOs can only say they are no better than the struggling public schools they were designed to replace.

So after 20 years and Lord only knows how much money, we're pretty much right back where we started when it comes to effective schools. But like we said, that was never the point in the first place. When you replace the democratic foundation of public schools with the profit and loss values of the market you shouldn't be surprised  when the kids are no better off, but the investors are.

Which recently prompted the New York Times to be shocked we tell you SHOCKED to find that:

Despite a growing number of studies showing that charter schools are generally no better — and often are worse — than their traditional counterparts, the state and local agencies and organizations that grant the charters have been increasingly hesitant to shut down schools, even those that continue to perform abysmally for years on end. If the movement is to maintain its credibility, the charter authorizers must shut down failed schools quickly and limit new charters to the most credible applicants, including operators who have a demonstrated record of success.

That just goes to show you how out of touch the editors are. They're still expecting charter schools to justify their existence based on educational outcomes, when we all know these schools will continue to exist as long as there's money to be made, which means as long as politicians are willing to play along with the scam. And it is a scam too. As the editorial says:

A study released this week by the center suggests that the standards used by the charter authorizers to judge school performance are terribly weak. It debunked the common notion that it takes a long time to tell whether a new school can improve student learning. In fact, the study notes, it is pretty clear after just three years which schools are going to be high performers and which of them will be mediocre. By that time, the charter authorizers should be putting troubled schools on notice that they might soon be closed. As the study notes: “For the majority of schools, poor first year performance will give way to poor second year performance. Once this has happened, the future is predictable and extremely bleak.

This is a variation on the extended warranty ploy. When you buy a car, or a washing machine or DVD player the salesmen tries to get you to buy the extended warranty because the product might not break until after the regular warranty is up, but we all know this is just an opportunity to suck a little more profit off of the consumer. Charter schools say just keep giving us money and maybe we'll get better in a year or two, but nothing will change because the money's still coming in and the dividends are still being paid.

In the mean time, some children will be lucky enough to get a half way decent education, some will not, but they'll all have the privilege of contributing to some corporation's bottom line and that seems to be what America is all about these days.

She Could Have Opted For The Red A

We're coming to you today from the Department of Righteous Indignation here in the marbled halls of IM Central. the DORI is a division of the As Ye Sow, So Shall Ye Reap Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Jesus Loves Me Yes He Do, But He Don't Love People Like You, Inc.

Quite a bit has been written lately about certain...um...inconsistencies in the theology of those professing to speak for the god of the universe and his Number One, J Rule, so it's refreshing to see that, at least at one lonely outpost of all that is right and proper, the ramparts have not been abandoned to the forces of iniquity and debauchery.

In October, Teri James says her supervisor at San Diego Christian College called her to her office and got straight to the point: Was James pregnant? James, 29, of El Cajon, Calif., was indeed pregnant and she was also unmarried, a violation of school rules. She says she was fired because, as the termination letter included in the suit stated: “Teri engaged in activity outside the scope of the Handbook and Community Covenant that does not build up the college’s mission.”

"I'm up here channeling Cotton Mather while she's going home every night to the horizontal disco," said Dean of the College the Right Reverend  Buford T. Beauregard. "We had to do something. What do you think we are, Catholics?"

Whoa. Calm down there Reverend B. Nobody's calling you papists. First of all, this was heterosexual between consenting adults, right? What did the young harlot say when you confronted her?

Speaking by phone with her lawyer, Gloria Allred, James said she felt humiliated.

Her lawyer? Cripes, that can't be good. Bet you wish you'd taken President Obama's advice and let the wimmenz get at that contraception now don't you Rev?

San Diego Christian College did not respond to repeated requests for comment. The college has not responded to the suit.

 Yeah, well the pope tried that too and look where it got him. What's your next move?

After firing her, the school offered a job to her then-fiancé – they are now married – even though it was known that he, too, engaged in premarital sex.

 Oh sure, blame the guy. Like he's the one with the feminine wiles. Ever hear of Eve? Read your bible man, it's always the woman's fault.

Friday Hound Blogging

Whoa. Did you see where our week went? It was around here a minute ago, and now we can't find it anywhere. Jeez. We could have sworn we left Wednesday on the coffee table, but it's not there now. Dang, a whole week of retiring, vaginaing, sequestering and death threatening has gone by and nary a peep out of us.

Who says the level of civility hasn't improved?

Anyway, here we are at another Friday and dare we say it as denizens of the Water Winter Wonderland, another step closer to spring and the glorious time of rebirth, warm days and soft breezes moving through the slowly greening trees, now filled with the pleasant chirp and tweet of newly returned birds. Ah, a wonderous time of year.

Well, unless you're an overlord.

The greyhound racing business is on its last legs. Wagers are down at the tracks because easier forms of betting offer more immediate gratification. The industry also is plagued by accusations of cruelty. The Grey2K USA group, which opposes dog racing, reported that in 2011, a total of 855 greyhound injuries were reported to the West Virginia Racing Commission, leading to the deaths of 40 dogs. In 38 states, commercial dog racing is illegal. Only seven states even have dog racing these days. Maybe it is time for West Virginia to make that six.

Now see, poor attitudes like that are going to result in a whole bunch of  undereducated, overfed, borderline sociopaths with commitment issues entering the workforce. Well, more accurately hanging around just outside the workforce heckling passersby and just generally bringing down property values in the neighborhood.

This state's two dog tracks would have shut down 20 years ago were it not for the casino industry, which promised to prop up dog racing.

Oh that's just not fair right there. Do you seriously mean to tell us that an industry that has seen 26 tracks close across the nation since 2001, that operated at a $6.5 million loss last year,  that has been on a down hill slide for 19 straight years, that everybody and his brother are trying to get rid of needs to be "propped up?" Is that what you're trying to tell us?

OK, we can see that.

Racing was a fig leaf to mask the real goal - legalizing full-blown casino gambling, which the state has since done. The law should be changed, not necessarily to ban dog racing outright, but to allow the casinos to drop the fig leaf.

 Umm...we hope you're being metaphorical there Mr. Writer sir, because the last thing we need to see is a bunch of naked overlords, right Better?

Demand Better is a very happy and curious boy. He is on the go quite a bit as he has so much to investigate and learn about living in a home for the first time. Better is very friendly and loves to be around people. He loves to play with toys. He is housebroken. Better loves to follow his foster mom and human foster sister around the house. He gets along with cats and large dogs but hasn't had a chance to meet any small dogs yet. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog stand lonely midnight watch on the deserted deck of the great ship Entropy as it draws ever closer to the shores of chaos...erm...we mean know that we spend Fridays chronicling the inevitable demise of the institutionalized cruelty of exploiting living creatures for profit...uh...we mean the exciting world of greyhound racing. Week after week we have pointed out for you, our esteemed reader the ever increasing timbre in the sweet voice of an inexorable future trilling out the industry's death song over hill and dale: "Good Bye, Good Bye, Good Bye"

Apparently we were mistaken.

No matter where you live, something is always happening in the exciting world of Greyhound racing. This is the place where tracks post special events and activities, such as open houses, book-signings, musical entertainment and stakes races all the way from $5,000 to a Million! The world of Greyhound racing is alive, well and growing.

 Dang! We hate it when that happens. All those tracks closing, laws being passed, arrests and what not gave us the wrong impression about the potential longevity of killing, maiming, and/or abandoning innocent living creatures that is the exciting world of greyhound racing.

Well, when we're wrong, we're wrong and we're packing a big enough pair that we can admit it, and since the closest overlord camp to IM Central is West Virgina we're going to head down there and proffer our apologies to one Jim Simms, president and general manager of Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack. Uh, Mr. Simms? Oh sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. You were saying?

Needing to cut costs in the face of formidable competition from new facilities in Ohio and Pennsylvania, Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack is reducing its number of greyhound races. "Racing is a declining industry. It is now less than 10 percent of our business," said Jim Simms, president and general manager. "We are doing everything we can do. We have to try to keep all of our businesses solvent."

 Um...not to put too fine a point on it Mr. Simms, but if you're cutting back on the overlords' ability to suck a buck or two off the backs of the dogs, you really aren't doing everything you can do to keep all your businesses solvent now are you? Unless of course you've already given up on greyhound racing ever becoming profitable and figure you can use it as a shield to deflect the damage increased competition does to the businesses you do actually care about.

Mr Simms, don't you know the world of Greyhound racing is alive, well and growing? It's almost like as soon as the overlords quit making money for you, you abandon them just like they were...ah...just like they were, oh we don't know, greyhounds?

Oh Karma, you are truly a wicked, wicked mistress, right Mac?

Mac loves to play with squeaky toys. He likes to sleep a lot but will get up when somebody approaches him because he wants to play. Mac loves to give kisses. He is a very fast leaner and loves to please. He is  a friend to everyone that he meets. Mac whines when he needs to go outside. He gets along well with the other Greyhounds, but I doesn’t really care for small dogs or cats.  Mac will go in his crate by doesn’t really care for it much. He would do well in a home with a single owner or a couple. Mac could live in a home as the only dog or with other dogs that are his size. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

In Which Ironicus Is Conflicted

You know, we have to admit to mixed feelings about this blog from time to time. One the one hand you have your Todd Akins, your Richard Mourdocks, your Tennessee state legislature.

And don't even get us started on Louie Gohmert.

Using this little corner of the inter toobz to point and laugh at the weapons grade craziness that falls out of their mouths, that is when you can understand them at all (we're looking at you Sarah Palin) is our way of coping with the fact that for some reason, positions of authority that used to be occupied by responsible, intelligent, articulate adults have been turned over to unmedicated wackaloons with more voices in their heads than you'll hear at Lambeau field on a Sunday afternoon just after the Packers score the go ahead touchdown, and whose greatest claim to fame is their ability to go about in public championing the intellectual equivalent of having their fingers in their ears and singing LALALALALA I CAN"T HEAR YOU!!

But as professional educational technicians we are often troubled by this sudden flood of incompetency that breaks upon the shore of this once great democracy like a tsunami after a magnitude 9.0 earthquake. Surely some of these people must have had occasion to be in the vicinity of some sort of certified educational establishment as children thinks us. They couldn't have all been home schooled by wolves, could they? Take this lady for instance:

“When a physician removes a child from a woman, that is the largest organ in a body,” Rep. Mary Sue McClurkin, R-Pelham said in an interview Thursday. “That’s a big thing. That’s a big surgery. You don’t have any other organs in your body that are bigger than that.”

Now, right up front if you ever wondered what kind of woman would associate herself with the republican party after all the misogynistic, sexist, paternalistic, discriminatory bile that flows from the members of the party carrying the Y chromosome, you now have your answer--a dim one. And by dim we mean intellectual capacity so faint it probably couldn't be spotted by the Hubble Telescope even if the device landed on her front porch and she was in the kitchen apparently having a spasm because the bottle of mustard she had just picked up said "shake before opening."

Admittedly, Americans aren't the most scientifically literate people in the world, but come on, an organ? What does this lady do when she has a cold, rub the bark of the Hawthorn tree on her feet because she has offended the wood sprites?

So the people who sell tests tell us schools are failing because we don't buy enough tests; the people who sell programs tell us the schools are failing because we don't buy enough programs; and the people who manage charter schools tell us the schools are failing because we don't have enough charter schools, but the real reason schools are failing is because somehow or another some people are able to get through the system with their ignorance intact. Rep. Mary Sue McClurkin, R-Pelham comes to mind.

We recall those halcyon days when we were professional educational technician trainees and our Sensei, Professor Parnassus said, "Teachers can teach their heads off, but only students can learn." Back in the day we did not ascribe much importance to Professor P's aphorism, but time and harsh experience have brought its fundamental truth home to us more times than we care to report. Some people just prefer to be stupid.

To borrow from the current linguistic milieu, it gives us a sad, but sadder still is the fact that a majority of voters in this lady's district cast their ballots for her.  Now, it is probably safe to assume that on election day those constituents favoring her were not aware that she could not tell a fetus from her liver, still this intensity of rational vacuity is not easily compartmentalized. There must have been signs, clues, indications, portents that Rep. Mary Sue McClurkin, R-Pelham and lucidity did not share a common ancestor.

While part of us simply wants to shake our heads in wonder at how something as large as the human neo-cortex could be so  empty in certain of our species, another part of us, that part that enlisted in the battle against ignorance lo these many years ago, laments that while the occasional campaign my prove fruitful, ultimately the castle of reason will be overrun by the hordes of pandemonium. 

Still Crazy After All These Years

We're coming to you today from the Beat A Dead Horse Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. BADH is a division of the The Voices In My Head Never Lie Company, a wholly owned subsidy of This Is Why We Should  Have Mandatory Retirement Laws, LLC.

John McCain, who has been a frequent visitor to this blog and whom, as we recall, was told "stuff it, we're going with the black guy" by the American voting public quite some time ago, apparently will not go gently into that good night.

Sen. John McCain referred to the lack of information from the White House surrounding the Sept. 11, 2012 attacks in Benghazi as a "massive cover-up. There are so many answers we don't know," McCain said. "Where is Libya? Have we found the Higgs boson?  What the heck are lipopolysaccharides? What was I talking about?"

"I'm asking you, do you care whether four Americans died?" McCain said. "And don't start about the hypocrisy of me supporting a meaningless war that killed thousands when there was a republican president because this is different. I mean come on, I am the first presidential candidate in history to get his butt handed to him by a brother. You think that doesn't sting?"

"The information has not been forthcoming. And I'll be glad to send you a list of the questions that have not been answered, including 'What did the president do and who did he talk to the night of the attack on Benghazi?' I saw the Dominoes delivery going into the White House just about the time reports from Benghazi started coming it. Now how many times has this president said he's a Pizza Hut guy, huh? Americans have a right to know the truth."

"Why did the president for two weeks, for two weeks during the heat of the campaign continue to say he didn't know whether it was a terrorist attack or not?  What was he waiting for, confirmation? When has worrying about getting the facts straight ever been an issue? Well, OK that's just me, but the point is these facts coming out before the election would have meant Mitt Romney would have lost by fewer votes."

"But we have not received the answers. And that's a fact. Well, technically since we've had a bunch of hearings and investigations we've got a lot of answers, just not the ones I want, so those answers aren't really facts, they're more like inconvenient truths. Ha! See I was making a little joke there. And they say I've lost it."

Earlier, the former Republican presidential nominee said he expects Hagel to be confirmed as defense secretary even though he doesn't plan to vote for him. "I don't believe he is qualified," McCain said."But I ran for president so that should pretty much tell you all you need to know about expertise in the republican party."

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent readers of this blog acquiesce to ennui...erm...we mean know that one of the things the overlords fear most whenever a track closes is losing control over their precious greyhounds and not being able to care for them throughout their lives just like  they were part of the family. Also, too big investment that needs to be protected.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We crack us up.

Seriously, the thing overlords fear most is having to get a job, and with good reason too. After all there's not a big market for substance abusers with anger issues and poor people skills. But that might all be changing thanks to technology.

As the race begins, the dogs leap out of their traps like missiles. “Trap four has taken the lead!” shouts an excited commentator as they come around the first bend. The race could be at any number of gritty greyhound tracks across the country. But it exists only on a screen in a south London betting shop. The dogs are computer-animated; the commentary is pre-scripted and automatic.

 This is perfect see, because being a greyhound overlord is a great job except for that whole having to spend money taking care of the dogs thing. Plus there's the occasional oversight as well as...how to say this politely... periodic inventory reductions.

But with virtual greyhound racing, none of that matters. Run out of 4D meat to feed your dogs? Who cares, virtual dogs don't eat. Have a dog injure itself? Can you say "delete key?" Dogs not winning enough? Reboot. And all without those pesky animal rights wackos coming around going on and on about living creatures, compassion, morality, yadda yadda yadda and ending with accusing you of being a soulless bag of wasted protein.

Yeah. Like you haven't heard that before, but your parents haven't called in a while have they?

Now, there will be some retraining necessary as the transference of skills won't be one to one, and we here in the marbled halls of IM Central are ready to help. We've given this a lot of thought, done some pretty extensive research and we feel we've come up with a training program that fits your skill set  and has the added benefit of using pictures instead of words to convey your options, so that whole can't read thing? Shouldn't be a problem, right W.W?

W.W. On Site Sail is a little bit of a shy boy but is learning how to live in a home environment. He was not sure how to handle touching and affection at first but now wags his tail when being petted. Sail is learning a lot from the other dogs in my foster home He already knows how to go up and down the stairs and throw  squeaky toys up in the air and then catch them. He likes kids that are a little older and calm so they don’t make him nervous. He housebroken and doesn't mind being in the crate. Sail loves to go for walks and does really well on the leash. His  foster mom describes him as an “angel.” Sail would do well in a home with a single owner or a family with older well-behaved kids. He is really attached to the foster dogs in the home  and probably wouldn't do well as an only dog. Sail doesn’t like cats.
For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

BREAKING: Pope Resigns; Obama At Fault

 Pope Benedict XVI announced Monday that he would resign Feb. 28 — the first 600 year old pontiff  to do so. (Eds Note: That should read the first pontiff to do so in 600 years. Sorry for the confusion.) The decision sets the stage for a conclave to elect a new pope before the end of March. "You think the NCAA has a corner on brackets?" asked Cardinal Guido Maserati, head of the Vatican handicapping office. "Wait 'til you get a load of us."

The 85-year-old pope announced his decision in Latin during a meeting of Vatican cardinals on Monday morning because "later chumps" sounds better in a dead language.

He emphasized that carrying out the duties of being pope — the leader of more than a billion Roman Catholics worldwide, some of whom actually listen to him — requires "both flexibility of mind and adaptability. Nobody told me that ahead of time," the pope added. "All I wanted to do was return the church to the 1500's, but you were all like nooooo, people found out about the prevs; we got uppity nuns; we got...uh...investments to manage. And the Muslims! When did they start to matter."

"After having repeatedly examined my conscience before God, and have him go all, 'Holy crap! You did what in 1941?' I have come to the certainty that my positions due to my ossified philosophy are no longer suited to an adequate exercise of the Petrine ministry. And the fact that I used the word 'Petrine' should tell you all that you need to know about what century I'm in," he told the cardinals. "Besides, Facebook is no fun when all my updates are about court cases. And why can't I tweet in Latin?"

Cardinal Maserati said there was no truth to the rumor that pope Benedict was being traded to the Anglicans for two Bishops and a parish in Kent.

"However, in today's world, subject to so many rapid changes and shaken by questions of deep relevance for the life of faith, in order to govern the bark of St. Peter and proclaim the Gospel, both strength of mind and body are necessary —not to mention degrees in the Law and finance if we're going to get out of this mess with our holy posteriors intact."

The move sets the stage for the Vatican to hold a conclave to elect a new pope by mid-March, since the traditional mourning time that would follow the death of a pope doesn't have to be observed. Cardinal Maserati indicated the conclave may start with a Facebook poll. "That California guy, what's his name? Mahony? That dude has a ton of likes on his page."