We don't usually watch the tee vee news, but when we do, we drink Dos Equis. Muchos Dos Equis. That being said, we must admit to having the misfortune to be in the immediate vicinity of an operating electrical audio/optical reception device on several occasions since the recent unscheduled dismount of the Successor of the Prince of the Apostles and we've noticed the talking heads who inhabit the aforementioned moving picture boxes seem obsessed with matters catholic.
This has given us pause. What's the big deal thinks us? Sure there are approximately 78 million mackerel snappers in America, but that means there are about 212 million citizens who wouldn't know their dominus from their vobiscum. Plus most of the candle snuffers in these here formerly United States don't much listen to the old guy anyway.
Odd. We mean, here's a bunch of old dudes getting together in what's basically a museum (oh, now there's some ironicus for you, no?) to pick the next old white guy who will spend the rest of his life wearing funny hats and being politely ignored, and these Walter Cronkite wannabes are on the story like Karl Rove on a billionaire.
But the problem is there is no story. Since no one pays attention to Peter's posse in between popes, the press, and especially the American press have no idea what to report, so they're reduced to making it up as they go along. Want to know the front runner? Well, we have no idea, but if we did, this is what we'd say...Want to talk about the impact on church policies that the new pope will have? Well, we don't know much about how the church operates, but if we did...Oh, and PERVS!!! but you already knew that.
So what they're left with is a horse race they can't handicap, policies that they're not familiar with, and are mostly insignificant to their viewers anyway, and most of it is done in Latin.
This is what's been leading the news lately.
An aside: What ever happened to SEQUESTAPOCALYPSE?
Then it hit us, this is the perfect story for the modern corporate media. An "election" without all those pesky policies and positions to get in the way of gossip, innuendo and jockeying for position. It's the perfect storm of vacuity, irrelevancy and intrigue! Oh, now if only one of the cardinals would have a gaffe, like saying 47% of catholics don't care who the pope is, or maybe if one of the cardinals is discovered to have an offshore bank account, or a half brother in Africa, or is being backed by a shady group of billionaires. Man! That's Pulitzer stuff right there.
If this goes on for a while they might even try to learn Latin.
*Irrelevant, but easy.