We're sorry you didn't enjoy your breakfast of left over tree rat in your refrigerator box down by the highway this morning, but we have some news that might make your dinner of discarded soup can medley a little more enjoyable: One of the bankers who helped drive this country's economy back to the bronze age has finally been convicted of something other than double parking his Bentley in the hospital ambulance zone while he waits for a Dermatologist to be flown in from Switzerland to attend to his hangnail.
The founder of what was once one of the nation’s largest mortgage lenders was convicted of fraud on Tuesday for masterminding a scheme that cheated investors and the government out of billions of dollars. It is one of the few successful prosecutions to come out of the financial crisis.
One of the few "successful" prosecutions? Now, we're not lawyers or anything, but isn't it hard to have a "successful" prosecution if you don't have any prosecutions? Can someone clear that up for us?
After more than a day of deliberations, a federal jury in Virginia found Lee B. Farkas, the former chairman of Taylor, Bean & Whitaker, guilty on 14 counts of securities, bank and wire fraud and conspiracy to commit fraud.
Or as they call it on Wall Street: Lunch.
“There’s no question that it is very momentous and a very significant case,” said Lanny Breuer, the assistant attorney general for the criminal division of the Justice Department.
Darn straight, Mr. Breuer. Course it's not hard to have a "very momentous and a very significant case" when that's the only case you got. Competition's not real stiff if you get our point. Just saying.
The Justice Department has yet to bring charges against an executive who ran a major Wall Street firm leading up to the disaster. An earlier case against hedge fund managers at Bear Stearns ended in acquittal. Prosecutors dropped their investigation into Angelo R. Mozilo, the former chief of Countrywide Financial, which nearly collapsed under the weight of souring subprime home loans.
Oh we totally understand. After all, if you don't win, why try? OK, here's our guess: If Angelo had robbed a Seven Eleven of a couple hundred dollars and some cigarettes instead of wrecking the lives of thousands of people, wouldn't be no investigation dropping going on then would there Mr. Dee part ment O Justice? Huh?
Six other Taylor, Bean & Whitaker executives — including its former chief executive and former treasurer — have already pleaded guilty. Some agreed to testify against Mr. Farkas at his trial.
Nothing personal there, Mr. Farkas. Jus' bidness, yo? The invisible hand of the market flipping you the bird and whatnot.
Mr. Farkas took the stand during the trial to defend his actions and deny any wrongdoing. During the course of the fraud, prosecutors said, Mr. Farkas pocketed some $20 million, which he used to buy a private jet, several homes and a collection of vintage cars.
Man! That dude has some seriously big pockets, but we think we see your problem Mr. Farkas. See, it's not just wrong if you get caught, it's wrong when you do it too. It's understandable that little bit of esoteric moral philosophy would slip by you, being the type of person that would make Blackbeard look like a Sunday School teacher and all.
“Today’s verdict ensures that Farkas will pay for his crime — an unprecedented scheme to defraud regulators during the height of the financial crisis and to steal over $550 million from the American taxpayers through TARP,” Christy Romero, the acting special inspector general for the TARP program, said in a statement.
Yeah, well good for you and all that Ms. Romero, but $550 million? If Farkas worked for one of the big three banks he could have paid the whole $550 mill back out out of his bonus and still had enough left over to go with the Mahogany trim on the yacht.
Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the cosmos doesn't care that you have potential but never get a break...erm...we mean know that we have often discoursed on the topic of our relationship with the deity. Having cut our theological teeth in the Church Catholic, we feel uniquely qualified to opine on these matters, especially now that we've completed our therapy and our course of medications.
That being said, however we still find that even though we have discussed this issue before, certain elements of current christian ritual befuddle us to the point where we often long for the wise counsel of our seventh grade teacher, sister Arnulfa, whose response to almost any canonical question was the same: "No where in the Bible does it say God has to explain anything to you. Now shut up and finish translating the Gallic Wars."
Parishioners carried Bibles in embroidered cases, babies with ribbons in their hair, and flutes, violins and sheet music into Immanuel Bible Church for Palm Sunday services. And a few carried guns, tucked into waistbands, hidden under suit jackets.
OK, so you go to church on Sunday with a gun sticking out of your pants like you are some sort of Pancho Via or something. This is the image you want to present to Jesus?
Since the Virginia attorney general published an advisory opinion last week on weapons in houses of worship, Rev. Steve Holley, the church’s pastor of ministries wonders whether more of his flock will have “a Bible in one holster and a handgun in the other as they come to church.”
Well of course you need a firearm in a house of worship. You never know when...wait a minute...they make holsters for bibles? Who needs to quick draw Leviticus?
Virginia law bars guns in religious meetings unless the person has a “good and sufficient reason” to carry a weapon.
"Look," said Buford (Hog boy) Hayes Junior the Third. "I got a tenth grade education, a dead end job, my wife won't let me touch her and my kids think I suck gravel through a straw. If that's not “good and sufficient reason to carry a weapon" I don't know what is. People respect me when they see a gun sticking out under my belly. Especially when it occurs to them that I'm just stupid enough to have it loaded with the safety off.
In the earliest days, firearms and religion were enormously important to Virginians, with residents expected to own guns and practice shooting regularly and to worship publicly.
"Them was the days," Hayes mused. "The darkies knew their place, women didn't give you no lip, and if you wanted to have a few beers, then go out in the backyard in your underwear and pop off a couple of rounds at the neighbor's cat, nobody said nothing to you."
In many parts of Virginia, people carry guns openly at places such as grocery stores, parks and some polling places. Some conceal the weapons if they have a permit to do so. The Rev. Jonathan Barton, head of the Virginia Council of Churches, told of a groom who wanted to keep his gun in its holster during his wedding ceremony.
Oh, that wedding night must have been fun. "Now honey, we're about to come together as man and wife, but I swear if you laugh when I take my pants off, I'll shoot you."
Barton was saddened by Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli II's opinion. “A house of worship is for celebration of life, and to carry a concealed weapon into that space is to violate that sacred space.”
"Oh get over it, Barton," Hayes countered. "Don't feed me any of that pious crap. Women come to church to check out what other women are wearing and guys check out each others guns. Why do you think god invented the sabbath anyway? Read your bible man."
You know, as far back as this blog goes we've been taking weekly trips down to the dog racing side of town to check in on the overlords and just generally marvel at the fantasy world they created for themselves in which they were entrepreneurs, sportsmen and women and animal lovers. Generally we'd throw a verbal brick or two at this edifice of delusion, and occasionally we would force the overlords to stick their fingers in their ears and sing LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!
Lately though it seems reality has taken a wrecking ball to the whole imaginary village called Greyhound Racing and the overlords are all standing around with confused looks on their faces blinking st the shattered remains of their hallucinatory utopia. We mean check it
A Senate panel Wednesday moved a bill that would no longer require that greyhound tracks hold live races.Track owners have wanted to shed their books of live races because they are sparsely attended money losers.
Track owners! Man, that's like if your own momma called you ugly right there. And that's not all.
The bill's sponsor, Sen. Maria Sachs, D-Delray Beach, said that the bill allows track owners to continue holding races where it is profitable, but it does not require anyone to hold races where they are not. "The bill does nothing to prevent races from being held," she said.
Kennel owners argued that the move would put them out of business, because there would be a greatly reduced demand for their product.
Well, if by "demand" you mean legal requirement, that's correct Mr. Kennel owner, but it sounds to us like maybe you've already figured out nobody wants you around.Well, not as much as you are now anyway:
The bill's sponsor said since 1990, state taxes collected for live greyhound racing declined by 96%. The state currently mandates track owners run a certain number of races to maintain card rooms. Passage would give them the choice to eliminate racing, but continue other forms of gambling. The Naples-Fort Myers Greyhound track is in favor of the bill, and if passed, would not eliminate racing, but decrease it by about 75%.
OK so you take an event that no one comes to now, and reduce it by 75%. That's like the old song, when you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose. And that's the good news.
"Whatever gambling scheme that we had in the past is not working any more," said Sen. Ellyn Bogdanoff, chairwoman of the Senate Budget Subcommittee on Finance and Tax, which passed the bill on Wednesday. "We have a decision to make as to whether we want to allow our businesses to grow or if we want to strategically and statutorily run them out of businesses," said Bogdanoff, a Republican from Fort Lauderdale.
Continuing to have greyhound racing will run the tracks out of business. That's not what you would call a rosy assessment if you're an overlord. And it gets worse.
A sensible bill sponsored by Tampa Republican state Rep. Dana Young would end the charade by "decoupling" the live race requirement from the gambling license. Race track owners, obviously, support the measure, but animal protection groups also want a change that will result in fewer races that they believe are inhumane.
Charade. Oh now that's just harsh right there, right Watson?
Watson very playful and puppy-like. He has his energy in the morning, but by the evening, he is ready for a good rest. He is affectionate; he will approach and lick your hand or stand by you and lean for attention. He can launch a stuffy across the room. He plays with toys by himself and with the family dogs. Watson would be fine in a working family home, with well-mannered children, 6 and up. He is good with smaller children, but needs a little more training to control his enthusiasm around them. He would do best with another dog in the home to keep him company or with a family that has someone home most of the time. He would do best in a home with a fenced yard. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
Now that you have decided you want to be president again, we were hoping you could clear up a couple of things for us.
First of all, as we suppose you are aware, America is at the deep end of the deep doo doo pile and with our political infrastructure crumbling down around us in scattered piles of corporate sponsored detritus, it may be that no one could get us out of this mess.
But that being said, we wonder if you could explain some stuff to us, now that you're going into candidate mode and all. First of all, the deficit. You accepted the republican premise that the debate on the deficit was actually about the deficit when even a blind man who just spent the evening discussing economic policy with Johnnie Walker could see it was really about keeping some poor woman in Cincinnati from getting access to health care unless it contributed to the bottom line of some insurance company somewhere, and keeping Big Bird from filling the minds of impressionable children with socialistic ideas about sharing, community and the value of diversity. That is what the republicans were willing to shut down the entire Federal government to accomplish, even if it meant the troops in the field would have to buy their own bullets.
At a time when unemployment is 9.2% (and that doesn't even count the people who've just given up) and the foreclosure crisis is ramping up you decide to engage the republicans on how best to cut the two most important and needed social safety nets we have: Social Security and Medicare because, well, because republicans said so, all the while ignoring the 698 billion pound gorilla in the room, defense spending. And seriously, Mr. President, you're starting with Simpson-Bowles? Simpson-Bowels? Even Simpson-Bowles couldn't agree on Simpson-Bowles.
Your administration either passively condones, or actively supports the torture of Bradley Manning whose greatest crime so far has been to embarrass a bunch of diplomats, while Wall Street bankers who did serious harm to the country and disrupted the lives of millions of families still sit in their Walnut paneled offices on leather chairs stuffed with bonus money when they should be in jail. And your Justice Department makes hardly a peep.
You signed the Affordable Health Care Act which is so riddled with caveats and legalese it makes the Tax Code look positively transparent by comparison, and the bulk of it doesn't even go into effect until after Sasha and Malia have received post graduate degrees.
You continue to fight a war that is so stupid even the Russians gave up on it and went home thirty years ago.
Well, like we said, even if we actually had political leadership that was concerned with the future of this country, a citizenry that was capable of recognizing their own best interests, and corporations that saw something other than their own best interests, it might be too little too late, but still we can't help but wonder, since you've put yourself out there again, what, exactly, would be the point of electing you again?
Tennessee's Republican-dominated House of Representatives has overwhelmingly passed a bill that would protect teachers who want to challenge the theory of human evolution.
OK, we think we see your problem there Republican-dominated House of Representatives. See, "teachers" who want to use their classrooms to challenge the theory of human evolution are not "teachers." They're evangelists. Hope this clears up your confusion.
Thursday's 70-28 passage of HB 368 was hailed by sponsor Rep. Bill Dunn, R-Knoxville, who said the proposal was designed to promote "critical thinking" in science classes.
Oops. Guess not. Now, Mr. Representative Bill Dunn, R-Knothead, one does not promote "critical thinking" by espousing blind adherence to bronze age dogma in the face of over 150 years of evidence to the contrary. Your position would be more appropriately described as...ah...somewhat uninformed dunderheadery, also, too, hysterical flailing at a world you feel has spun out of your control. Not to put too fine a point on it.
House Minority Leader Craig Fitzhugh, D-Ripley, was quoted by the Chattanooga Times Free Press drawing a connection between the proposal and the the trial of teacher John Scopes for teaching evolution depicted in the film "Inherit the wind." "I remember ... where Spencer Tracy at the end, he had that book called 'Origin of Species' and looked at it in one hand and had the Holy Bible in the other. He glanced back and forth and he put them both together and walked out of the room. This has never been a problem for me. So I guess I'm having a little bit of a problem in wondering why we're doing this."
Wait a minute. Wait just a minute. Oh, you guys are good. Here you come with that old country bumpkin, aww shucks, corn pone act and all the while you've been running a game on us. We see what you're up to. You found out MacDonald is going to hire 50,000 workers and you're thinking if you can create a school system that stifles curiosity, punishes critical thought and discourages questioning while teaching students to accept the word of their betters as final, your kids will rocket to the top of the list. Brilliant!
We're coming to you today from the Word A Day Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. WADD is a division of the Thesaurus Was Not A Dinosaur Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Syllables R Us, NA
It seems the overlords have learned a new word this week: Decoupling.
New legislation that could shake up Florida's dog racing industry is slowly making its way through the state Senate and House of Representatives. The bill would eliminate current rules that require dog track owners to conduct a minimum number of races a year in order to operate slot machines. The revisions would decouple racing and gambling, allowing the individual track owners the option to stop racing while continuing gambling operations.
Now, you're probably thinking, "Wait a minute Ironicus. You mean the government required the overlords to exploit the units race the dogs a certain number of times? Why, that's unmitigated government intrusion into the private sector! That's communistic socialism or something. The terrorists are winning! Why isn't Glen Beck all over this?"
Well, you might have a point. Lord knows there's no more freedom loving bunch than the overlords. You gotta figure that being part of a business like this one means free enterprise is in their genetic makeup and all these years of living under the government thumb have been sheer torture for them. We mean, they're always telling us that greyhounds were born to chase a mechanical rabbit around a dirt track at great peril to their own lives...er...we mean born to run, well, the overlords were born to take advantage of that free from the oppressive hand of government on their shoulders. This is truly a day that will go down in overlord history as independence day, right Yvonne Gurbada, the Florida Greyhound Association's treasurer for 22 years?
"These bills are the results of the animal rights groups trying to kill dog racing. Many of the Florida tracks have jumped on the bandwagon with them because they see an opportunity to run poker rooms and slots without having to deal with dog racing," said Gurbada.
Darn straight, Ms. Gurbada. It's what makes America great. The government gets out of your way and unshackles the power of free enter...wait a minute. You're against this? You want big brother looking over your shoulder with his hand in your pocket? We think you misunderstand the intent of your legislators, Ms. Gurbada.
With emotions running high among animal activists and those who make a livelihood off of racing dogs, a few key points are overlooked.This bill will not end dog racing, it merely gives track owners a choice on whether or not to continue racing without fear of losing more lucrative gambling machines.
See? No one wants to do away with greyhound racing, we just want to set you free to realize its full potential. After all, the dynamic and exciting world of greyhound racing has thrilled tens over the last several years and there's no reason to expect that this minor adjustment in the relationship you have with your local government will lead to anything other than a renaissance for the sport. Why, thinking we want to get rid of greyhound racing is a big over-reaction, Ms. Gurbada. That's the farthest thing from our thoughts. That...wait a minute...what's this?
A move to permanently end greyhound racing in Iowa was revived today in the state Senate, abruptly halting debate on a gambling bill that was expected to require a report on legalizing Internet poker in Iowa.
Oh. Guess they do want to get rid of greyhound racing all together. OK, our bad. Did you know about this Bill?
Bill is really sweet and loving. He is a quick learner, with plenty of energy. He follows his foster family around the house and LOVES to be with people. Bill likes to find people who will pet him whenever he can. Bill is confident, sweet, playful and cuddly. He wants to be around everyone all the time. Bill is comical when he burps out loud like a person and his tail wags up and down rather than side to side. Bill jumps in the air & does a 360° turn and pounces down on his toys. He is so funny and entertaining. He leaves mismatched slippers all over the house. Bill would do well in a working family home with another dog to keep him company or with a family that is home most of the time if he is the only dog. He is good with well-mannered children, 5 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
You know, sometimes we pay so little attention to what's going on around us that even we feel bad about it. We just found out Donald Trump is running for president! Who knew? Well, apparently everyone but us. Again, must rethink Bloody Mary's as a breakfast menu choice.
Actually, The Donald isn't "officially" running for president he just says he's thinking about it so he can get on all the cool tee vee shows.
Trump told NBC News in an interview that plans to decide by June whether to run. He said that if he's nominated, "I'd like to beat him straight up," not on the basis of the birth issue.
"The birth issue?" That's all you got? Donny boy, come on, "the birth issue" is so 2008. It's Sharia Law man! Terrorist anchor babies! What kind of a president can we expect you to be if your policies can't keep up with the needs of the nation?
Asked in an interview broadcast on the "Today" show how genuine his presidential ambition is, Trump said, "I always take things seriously, but I've never taken it seriously like this."
Can't argue with you there Mr. Trump sir. Anybody who owns the Miss USA pageant and World Wrestling Entertainment has got to be serious. About something. World hunger perhaps?
"I wish I didn't have to do it," he said.
Yeah, and our first thought was to agree with you, but then we pondered the possibilities. Picture this: Iowa. Republican primary candidate debate. On the stage, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain and Donald Trump. It would be the singularity of stupid! Can you imagine? It would be one of those "where were you when" moments, like the moon landing, or the miracle on ice. It would be something your grand-kids would ask you about. "Grandad? Where were you the day all the intelligence was sucked out of the universe?
He accused Obama of carrying out a confusing policy on the civil war in Libya, saying "nobody knows what's happening, and now it looks like (Libyan strongman Moammar) Gadhafi is going to beat the United States."
Well, that's understandable. Anyone running for president has to display a knowledge of world events and...wait Gadhafi is beating us? We thought he was fighting with rebels in his own country. See, it's like we said at the beginning of this post, we just don't pay enough attention. Has he invaded yet? Cause if he's invaded we should probably pack up some stuff, you know? What with him beating us and all.
"I'm only interested in Libya if we get the oil," Trump said.
Point taken, Mr. Donald. A regime that sponsors terrorism around the world can be ignored as long as your chauffeur can top off the tank of the Limo whenever you want to tour your properties.
Of Obama, he said, "I want him to do well. ... I love this country, but this country is going to hell. ... The world laughs at us. They won't be laughing if I'm elected president."
Might have a point there DT. We mean, Carrot Top is a real knee slapper of a guy, but if he was put in charge of a ballistic missile submarine, well that right there wouldn't be very funny.
We're not generally in the business of giving advice to the Teabaggers. After all, when you put as much thought and analysis into your positions as they do, craft your message with such expertise, and broadcast it with cutting edge technology, what is there to give advice about? Well, OK spelling, but that's a minor quibble in the overall drive to keep the government from taking over medicare.
Still, we ran across this floating by on the interwebz and it occurred to us that maybe a word or two of helpful suggestions might be in order.
Former Tea Party Express spokesman Mark Williams, who stepped down from the group after making a series of racist remarks, has a plan to "infiltrate and sabotage" the Obama campaign by volunteering as a campaign worker.
Now, Mr. Williams, we don't mean to pass ourselves off as experienced covert agents or anything--although we have seen all the James Bond movies. And by all, we mean all with the real James Bond--Sean Connery. As for the rest, POSEURS!! We mean, Timothy Dalton?!!?! What, was Carrot Top unavailable? And this latest guy...he plays Commander Bond like our butts chew bubblegum.
Where were we? Oh yeah, "infiltrate and sabotage." See, Mr. Williams, the first rule of "infiltrate and sabotage" is don't talk about "infiltrate and sabotage." When you tell someone you're going to "infiltrate and sabotage" their organization, you're not infiltrating or sabotaging anymore. You're just some drunk who crashes the party and pees in the punch bowl.
It is the duty of every American Citizen to do everything within their power to disrupt and defeat the domestic enemy that currently occupies the corridors of power in Washington and a dangerous number of state capitols," Williams continued.
Oh, you're talking about Republicans. We though you were talking about Obama. OK then, infiltrate and sabotage away.
The plan is simple: President Obama launched his reelection campaign Monday, which includes a web page to sign up to be a volunteer. Williams signed up, and told TPM that he's going to "work from the inside to disrupt and derail" the campaign.
So you were talking about Obama. Gotcha. That part about the state capitols threw us off there what with Obama being president and all. You know, one guy living in the White House. In Washington D.C. Not the capitol of any state.
Williams also told TPM that he's not worried the Obama campaign will get wise to his scam, even though he posted about it on a public website: "I don't think they're anywhere near that bright, based on the President's performance over the past few years."
Umm...this from the guy who said the NAACP makes more money off of race than any slave trader ever did? Stupid is as stupid does, Mr. Williams. Just saying.
"Eerily enough the Obama campaign web site automatically filled in my home address when I entered my email address. I say "eerily" because I used an AOL address that I keep as a SPAM catch all and have never used to contact the campaign or the White House. I wonder how they had my home address?" Williams wrote on his blog.
We're with you there, Mr. Williams. We've long suspected that Form Auto Fill was some sort of nefarious government plot.
We're coming to you today from the Department of Misplaced Opportunities here in the marbled halls of IM Central. the DOMO is a division of the Thinking Is Hard Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Solutions Looking for Problems, Inc.
Now, if you've managed to actually get out of your basement at all in the last several years, you may have noticed that the state of educational achievement in this country has been quite the subject of conversation. It is unfortunate that most of those doing the conversing are totally clueless when it comes to having any expertise in the issue, (we're looking at you Bill Gates) but let's leave for another day a treatise on the lack of a causal relationship between money and intelligence. (Preview: our position is that having a lot of the former does not automatically confer the latter upon you--we're looking at you Donald Trump ).
Well, anyway, global competitiveness, you know? Beat the Chinese to the moon, or some such. (Fun fact: Did you know the best way to learn how to manage the higher level math, physics, material science and all the other stuff it takes to put a man on the moon is by taking 37 multiple choice tests a year? Starting in pre-school. You can look it up. Also, too, fire all the teachers.)
The point is, the very serious people have become seriously concerned about the serious decline in the quality of American education. Seriously. And since America turned the reigns of power over to the unmedicated last November, the effort to return America to its leadership role in academic achievement is being lead by accomplished educational intellectuals such as these folks.
Arkansas students who love their sagging pants should soon leave them at home. Arkansas Governor Mike Beebe signed a bill on Wednesday that bans students from wearing clothing that exposes "underwear, buttocks or the breast of a female."
For those of you keeping score at home, this isn't some backwoods principal somewhere decreeing that his school will be free of hip hop attire because he saw "some o' them colored fellas with their skivvies a hangin' out." This is a State Law, duly passed by the legislature of a state ranking 37th out of 50 in education, after--we suppose--reasoned debate, consensus and compromise, then signed by the governor, no doubt in some sort of ceremony, perhaps at a Tux Rental Shop.
OK, we have a couple of questions. First of all, that part about exposing the buttocks. Are plumbers exempted? And the part about female breasts. Is there an epidemic of unfettered teenaged mammaries in Arkansas Public Schools? Why were we not told about this? Are there any job openings? Well, never mind. We guess if Arkansas schools were ever the world headquarters of underage girls gone wild, they aren't anymore thanks to the swift and decisive action of governor Boobie...erm...Beebe.
"We feel the bill can improve the learning environment in schools," said Donna Morey, president of the Arkansas Education Association. "Of course buildings where the roof doesn't leak, and books recent enough to mention the moon landing would also improve the learning environment in schools, but this is all about priorities in an age of limited resources," she added.
"School boards will have to look at existing school dress code policies and make sure they are in compliance with this new law," said Kristen Gould, staff attorney for the Arkansas School Boards Association, a non-profit. "Many of them may well be, and if not, they will have to incorporate it into their current policy and design punishment in accordance."
Wait, School Boards are going to have to come up with dress codes? Oh man.Who's going to help with that? How will they be trained? You can't just expect them to do stuff they've never had to do before without some kind of support. Oh well, they have no one to blame but themselves. If they had addressed this problem with dress codes in the first place, the governor wouldn't have had to step in and solve the problem for them. That's far seeing leadership stuff right there. Beebe 2012? Not out of the question. Our vote for a slogan? "Beebe in 12. That's My IQ. This Is My Year."
Florida is considering a bill similar to the Arkansas law.
Well of course they are. They're number 36 and you know they hear Arkansas gaining on them now that the students can run without tripping over their pants.
Hey overlords! Did you hear that as part of President Obama's new economic stimulus package all remaining greyhound exploitation racing tracks are going to be closed and reopened as Water Fun Parks for inner city youth? Don't worry though, you'll still have a job. Course it will be dressing up as Wally Whale or Sammy Shark and letting the kids throw water balloons at you, but so what? It's not like you'll break any bones or anything. Also, Too, Tips! You should report to the track in the next week or so to be measured for your costume. Our advice? Go with Wally Whale. Sammy's fin makes it really hard to get through doors and stuff.
Ha ha. April Fool. Had you going for a minute there didn't we? You were thinking "Holy crap, I'm gonna have to work for a living!" Well, that part may not be a joke.
State law allows the Daytona club and the state's 12 other dog tracks to have card rooms and casinos only if the club offers a certain number of live dog races throughout the year. The Legislature may end that requirement, though, in a move that has aligned dog-track owners with animal-protection activists — groups usually at odds. Track owners want to scale back races if they're not profitable, and animal groups support the change on humanitarian grounds.
Whoa. Track owners are like the overlord's land lords, you know? And when the fellow you're paying rent to doesn't even want you around anymore, well that's gotta hurt, yo?
The Daytona Beach Kennel Club and Poker Room runs hundreds of greyhound races a year, even during slow periods for tourism.
"...even during slow periods for tourism." Hahahahahaha! That's pretty funny Todd Byers, who owns a kennel in Daytona Beach. Like tourists come to Florida for greyhound racing!
"Hey, we had a tourist once," Byers replied. OK, so it was a guy with senile dementia who got in his car in Georgia to go to the store and ended up here, but he was from out of state so that counts. He didn't bet though. In fact he left when we told him we didn't have a frozen foods section."
Tax revenue from dog tracks has plummeted by more than 96 percent since 1990, when the state collected more than $75 million. Last year, the state collected less than $2.7 million. Legislators said a change in the law might prompt six or seven tracks to eliminate dog racing, costing the state about $1.4 million a year.
OK, here's our question: If you're passing a decoupling law because you want to "eliminate dog racing," why not just pass a law that eliminates dog racing? It's like cause and effect stuff, you know? Ask the people in Massachusetts.
Patrick Biddix, managing partner of Melbourne Greyhound Park and Club 52 poker room, said his property would drop live racing.
Dang. Hope there's a Walmart nearby that's hiring.
Dog trainers are those most opposed to decoupling. A total of 3,000 jobs related to dog racing are at stake, said Joe Trudden, a Miami dog trainer. He said he arrived at that figure by adding the average number of trainers, greyhound-farm workers and track staff members that handle the dogs.
Woo hoo! Econometrics, man! Take the number of part time, low wage, no benefit jobs, divide by the number of people on food stamps, multiply the answer by six because, why not? Then take that number, set it aside and make something up. Yay Science! Don't you wish you'd gone to school Gable?
Gable Tombstone is a very lovely boy and “velcro dog” who loves to go where his people go. He is a fun loving, confident dog who loves playing with toys and tossing them in the air. He has one ear that goes up and one that goes back and his teeth chatter like crazy when he gets excited. He is very curious of birds, squirrels and just about everything else! “Gabe” would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children 8 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. Gabe needs assertive and attentive family members who will be leaders and let him know what the rules of the house are. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
We're coming to you today from the Abundance of Fools Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The AOFD is a division of the Too Stupid To Fail Company in association with We Don't Need No Education, LLC.
Usually we spend the pre-cocktail hours of our day wading through the digital effluvia to select a particularly knarly floater to offer up for your shock and awe. Lately though, it seems some sort of laxative has been added to the national discourse because whenever we lift the lid on the intertoobz we are greeted with a species of feces that seems to multiply faster than hoverounds at a Glen Beck appearance. To wit:
In a 5-4 ruling, justices overturn a jury verdict awarding $14 million to John Thompson, who had sued then-New Orleans Dist. Atty. Harry Connick Sr. because prosecutors hid a blood test that would have proved his innocence in a murder case.
Now, we're not legal scholars or anything, but we're pretty sure Prosecutors are supposed to uphold and defend the law, not break it, but we may have missed a memo somewhere or something, so maybe it's a new policy. Could be something to do with how hard the legal system has to work to keep the bankers out of jail.
A bill that would prohibit sanctions against teachers who promote discussion of alternatives to prevailing scientific theories - criticized by some as a backdoor means of promoting creationism - was approved by the House Education Committee Tuesday. Rep. Bill Dunn, R-Knoxville, sponsor of HB368, said it will simply promote "creative thinking."
Speaking with the Scranton Times-Tribune on Tuesday, freshman lawmaker Rep. Tom Marino (R-PAthetic) expressed mixed opinions about the Obama administration’s actions in Libya. He told the paper that he “supports” the intervention, but wishes that the administration had consulted with Congress first. Marino, a member of the House Foreign Affairs Committee and the House subcommittee on issues related to African foreign policy, then posed an odd question:
“Where does it stop?” he said. “Do we go into Africa next? I don’t want to sound callous or cold, but this could go on indefinitely around the world.”
Hmm...dude must have gone to school in Tennessee.
We may have to start another blog just to keep up.
OK, so we went and elected a clown car full of Teabaggers to offices all over this country because we needed us some of that fiscal discipline and American Idol finals were starting so who had time to, like, listen to these guys or anything? And say what you will about a bunch of people so delusional and lacking in self awareness they have their own chapter in the DSM, they are out there as we speak disciplining the fiscal. Right into the ground. Unfortunately, when it comes to other issues, like say law and order...well...not so much.
In a stunning twist, Gov. Scott Walker's legislation limiting collective bargaining for public workers was published Friday despite a judge's hold on the measure, prompting a dispute over whether it takes effect Saturday.
After the restraining order was issued March 18, Secretary of State Doug La Follette sent a letter that same day to the reference bureau rescinding earlier instructions to publish the bill Friday. "I further instruct you to remove all reference to March 25, 2011, as the publication date and not to proceed with publication until I contact you with a new publication date," his letter said.
"Hey. It was in all the papers," Fitzgerald said. "Everybody knows about it so it's law. Don't you read your history? It's the same as when the Founding Fathers took the Declaration of Independence out of the Bible and published it in the Wall Street Journal. Just be thankful we didn't publish that shoot on sight law we passed when all those pansy democrats ran to Illinois. I think the governor just stuck it up on the bulletin board down by the cafeteria so that really didn't count or anything, except if someone saw a democrat in the buffet line."
In a memo to Assembly Minority Leader Peter Barca, an attorney for the nonpartisan Legislative Council said that the legislation would not become law based on Friday's action. That's because although state law provides for a separate role for both the reference bureau and the secretary of state in publishing laws, the section in state law on when legislation takes effect refers only to action by the secretary of state, the memo said.
"Look, there's too dang many laws about laws around here," Fitzgerald told reporters. "The people elected us to do some serious fiscalizing and once we get rid of the unions and that's what we're gonna do. Then we're gonna take a close look at them child labor laws. Kids got too much time on their hands today and once we kick out all the brown pep...I mean illegal immigrants we'll need someone to do those jobs."
Howard Schweber, a professor of political science and legal studies at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, said Friday's actions amounted to "entirely uncharted waters."
He said that the action Friday didn't remove the possibility that the Supreme Court could take up the question of the restraining order against La Follette. He questioned how the justices would react to a publication step being taken before they had made any decision.
"You know, I'm beginning to wonder if we even need a Legislative Branch," Fitzgerald mused. "It don't say nothing about it in the Constitution."
We'd like to chew a bit more on that knuckle of gristle we threw out yesterday. Yeah, yeah, we know what you're thinking: Ironicus! You're going to carry a consistent thought for more than the time it takes to freshen your drink? What, did the liquor store burn down?
Ha ha, very funny. Give us a little credit, OK? Sometimes reality can penetrate our Stoli powered shields to the point where when we sit down to commit blog we can only stare at the screen in a stupor as the sociopathy washes over us like runoff from a broken waste containment lagoon.
OK, the stupor part may not be connected to the sociopathy part, but you get the picture.
Take our home state of Michigan for example. The city of Pontiac is without a police force, Jackson has lost most of its fire department, rural counties are planning to let paved roads go back to gravel because they have no money for upkeep, Monroe has laid off all of its public school teachers for next year (they promise to call some back), Detroit public schools are seriously considering class sizes of 60 students. So what does our newly installed republican governor suggest to "reinvent" Michigan? Cut money to schools because hey, why not? They'll all be privatized pretty soon anyway and when the unions are broken teachers will work for $1.37 an hour and have to take out a loan to get a bottle of aspirin if they get sick. In other words, paradise!
So you'll forgive us if we didn't watch President Muslim explain to us how wonderful it was that we'd found more brown people to bomb into freedom. We had a nagging feeling that it would just be a replay of one of Bush's speeches, but with more syllables and less mispronunciations. Bottom line: Sameo sameo.
Now, we don't mean to rag on the Kenyan Usurper too much because we expected he would disappoint us. All politicians disappoint once they get elected. The thing is, Barry Hussein didn't disappoint us for the reasons we expected. See, we knew he'd never get half his proposals past the republicans, but we really felt that he was a guy who cared about stuff and might actually, you know, try to help keep America from turning into a third world nation with a first world military that's got an attitude. Instead he hires the bankers who got us into this mess to fix it, and it's not even a work release program either because these guys are never going to see the inside of a jail cell.Then he ramps up a war that even the Russians were smart enough to figure out they couldn't win. But when it comes to pushing policies that will get people back to work, or help them stay in their houses, all he's got are some encouraging words. Multi-syllabic words to be sure, but try buying a loaf of bread to take back to your refrigerator box under the highway with a video of one of his speeches sometime.
And you just know the dude would have made a great Senator. See, they plan and plot and argue and maneuver and just generally beat ideas to death with language, then throw down a vote and may the best man win, but a president, he's out there man, he's like all there is, you know? Executive branch and all that. Try a little executing from time to time. Just saying.
We do appreciate having a president who can walk and chew gum at the same time though, someone who holds a book right side up when he tries to read, and can actually name a philosopher when asked instead of believing that all Western thought flows from the ruminations of some backwoods Jewish apocalyptic preacher, but we wonder why, when it comes to responding to republicans who want to make the IRS into the abortion police, or make workers have to decide between fighting for a living wage and feeding their children, he's all like, republicans, let's compromise: you tell me what you want and I'll give it to you. Bipartisanship FTW!!
To be fair, we'll admit that these are complex and convoluted issues that probably far exceed the meager capabilities of our Stoli addled brain, and we understand that when our governor tells us he has to shift the tax burden here in the state from businesses to poor people so the businesses will have more money to create jobs with, he's only telling us the same thing the Feds have been telling us for, what, the last thirty years or so. We probably should give up trying to figure these things out for ourselves and just listen to our betters.
Oh, btw, if you're driving through Michigan anytime in the next few years, better stick to the main roads. Some of those county roads are going to have pot holes so big they'll have their own eco-systems.
Those of you with lives probably haven't noticed this, but there's been a perceptible falloff in our posting schedule these last couple of months. Now, we could say it's because we're busier at work, but if you've read more than two posts over the life of this blog you'd know that was a lie.
Actually, that may be a little true because as frequent reader(s) of this blog know, we earn our keep toiling in the bowels of the local educorporate training facility, and when we're not teaching students to wipe their butts with pages torn from the bible and gay marry their aborted fetuses instead of learning to read and write, we're having our chauffeur take our butler down to our private accountant so that our bloated paycheck can be deposited in an offshore account to avoid paying taxes. And all this time you thought is was greedy bankers and scruple free hedge fund managers that wrecked the economy.
Nope. It was teachers, and not just teachers, all public employees. We're like the New Black Panthers, man, nothing but walking, talking intimidation. You pay us what we want, when we want and how we want, and maybe, just maybe we'll show up for work now and then, and don't go crying to us about you can't afford it either. You know who else said he couldn't afford it? Hitler.
Oh, and benefits.
Now, we're not really sure when public employees became the most powerful and feared segment of contemporary society, but it has caused us to rethink bloody Marys as a breakfast choice because we sure wish we could have picked up on this turn of events earlier, especially since it appears we've been found out by the new American heroes: Republican governors.
And as if that isn't enough, everywhere we look it seems our years of slowly strangling lady liberty are coming to an end. Besides ending the free ride for working people, there's the revoking of child labor laws, rewriting the First Amendment for Christians, getting those brown people out of the country, and of course the new war. All are examples of America returning to her roots and her core principals.
Someone once said satire is anger turned sideways, and lately we've been turned sideways so much we've got a crick in our necks, so you'll excuse us if we get a little depressed some days when we get up, switch on the intertoobz and see the country we've worked so hard to wreck all these years snatched from our living wage, education is a public good, free speech, nation of immigrants, war is not the answer clutches.
Frequent readers of this blog know we don't often surrender our little digital soapbox to guest posters. (You were expecting some sort of non-sequiter there weren't you? Go ahead, admit it, you think we're so predictable).
Anyway, we were poking around in the Texas legislature the other day, making our displeasure known regarding HB 1451 which is a puppy mill regulation bill. A puppy mill regulation bill that specifically excludes greyhounds. To wit:
Sec. 802.003. APPLICABILITY OF CHAPTER. (a) This chapter
does not affect the applicability of any other law, rule, order,
ordinance, or other legal requirement of the federal government,
this state, or a political subdivision of this state.
(b) This chapter does not prevent a municipality or county
from prohibiting or further regulating by order or ordinance the
possession, breeding, or selling of dogs or cats.
(c) This chapter does not apply to an animal regulated under
the Texas Racing Act (Article 179e, Vernon's Texas Civil Statutes).
Notice the bolded section. Yep. All dogs are created equal...except for greyhounds. Now, we've had this talk before, but it doesn't seem to have penetrated certain legislative crania, so we were contemplating dispatching a little missive to the Lone Star State detailing our concerns in our unique Ironicus Maximus way when we ran across the literary stylings of one Elizabeth Fritz.
Now, we don't know Ms. Fritz personally, but when we read the letter she wrote to the Texan legislators responsible for this latest foray into irrationality, we wish we did. See for yourself:
Dear Representative Thompson and Members of the House Committee on Licensing & Administrative Procedures:
Hello! Let me introduce you to my dog, Gunther Augustus!
Before Gunther Augustus came to live with me in Michigan, he was Pluto Tyme, and had a long career on the dog tracks. His papers state that he was born in Texas, then went to race in Virginia, and then wound up in Florida. Gunther was a very fast dog, so he stayed on the race circuit longer than most.
Most greyhounds have an average lifespan of three years. Gunther came to us at the age of eight.
Some dogs don't make the cut and are euthanized. Some dogs don't even have that luxury--some are poisoned, starved to death, neglected, shot, decapitated, or suffer malignant diseases that slowly kill them over time. Your current legislation condones these acts under H.B. 1451.
A few years back, the nation watched in horror as 49 pit bulls were rescued from Michael Vick's dog fighting enclavein Virginia. Federal prosecutors and animal welfare activists changed the fates of those dogs and worked tirelessly to educate the public about the welfare of pit bulls. I'm very glad those dogs--victims of illegal dogfighting--got a second chance. Those dogs were treated as animals, NOT as commodities.
Your current legislation exempts greyhound breeders from anti-cruelty legislation, lumping these guys in with cows and pigs and chickens. That means that breeders can use any despicable means to train and house these dogs, as well as how to dispose of them and treat them.
Imagine. Imagine your family pet being subjected to the horrors of the racetrack kennel. When I look at Gunther's face, I cringe to think of the atrocities to which he was subjected.
I strongly encourage this committee to protect the lives of thousands of greyhounds. No animal--not pigs, not cows, not chickens, and not greyhounds, should be treated inhumanely. No human being should be 'protected' from the law when it comes to cruelty towards animals. Consider Gunther and the thousands of other Texas greyhounds your legislation has affected.
Please make the right choice and make anti-cruelty legislation applicable to greyhound breeders and kennels.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth Anne Fritz-Cottle, MSW
and
Gunther Augustus, Retired Racer, Beloved Friend
You know, Opie, we can't think of a thing to add. What about you?
Opie is a happy-go-lucky guy who is still young at heart. He is friendly, trusting, affectionate, and playful. He follows the foster dad everywhere. He will put his front legs on the bed in the morning and paw at you to be petted. Opie looks especially cute when he is feeling very alert and points both ears straight up with just the tips curled over. He also loves to sit when he thinks he hears someone near the cookie jar. Opie would do well as an only dog or with other dogs. He has lots of energy for a senior and appreciates going for a walk or playing outside. He would be happy in a working family, or one that is home more often. He would probably do well with well-mannered children. He loves to be outside, so a family that would include him in outdoor activities would be great. His size would allow him to fit well in a smaller home or condo. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
We're coming to you today from Rebel Alliance headquarters with news of a great victory! Rebel fighters have struck the Empire homeworld with a devastating blow! High Overlord Assistant to Emperor Palpatine is forced to admit Imperial forces are in full retreat:
"It's going to knock us out of business,'' said James O'Donnell, 82 a greyhound owner in Miami who has been racing dogs all around the state for 55 years.
And more great news, former Sith Lord Dan Adkins has joined the Alliance! Commander Skywalker reacts to the good news:
“Regardless of what the reason is, I think its time to give the dogs a break.” Theil said. “These dogs have suffered and died at these race tracks for generations and this is no longer a viable industry, no one is interested in it, it is time for this to end.”
Onward to Imperial Center! Onward to Victory! All hail Commander Skywalker! All hail Princess Leia!
Now, Miss Matty it's important that you remember, after the Empire is overthrown the Ewoks are not stuffies.
Matty is pretty easy going. She is very mellow for a young dog. She is curious and will follow you everywhere. She is a real Velcro dog. She is learning to play with toys. Matty would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. She would do best in a home with a fenced yard because she is still learning her leash manners. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
It occurs to us that next month is the tenth anniversary of America's ongoing quest to be the most belligerent country in history. That means kids who were in third our fourth grade then may now be fighting (and dying).
Bush injured this county severely and Obama seems content to watch it bleed to death.
Traveling today so no time to take you on another fun filled trip to the overlord zoo--although we did hear that Ronnie Williams just lost his license to be an overlord.
Really Florida? The guy abandoned his dogs to die of hunger and thirst and it took you this long to figure out he probably isn't the best ambassador for greyhound exploitation racing? Oh, and they fined him $170,000 too. Hey Florida, don't hold your breath waiting for the check.
Well, like we said, traveling today so we're going to share a far different story with you which we like to call The Kids Are All Right:
Whiz Kid's Names, Ages: Junior Girl Scout Troop #30554 Whiz Kid's School: 5th graders at Mill Pond School Whiz Kid's Accomplishments: As part of the Bronze Award Community Service Project, Westborough Girl Scout Troop 30554 is holding a donation drive for Greyhound Friends, Inc. Founded in 1983, Greyhound Friends in Hopkinton is one of the oldest and largest greyhound rescue and adoption organizations in the US. It has placed 10,000 retired racing greyhounds in loving homes.
After visiting the dogs, the girls decided to collect donations of old blankets, old comforters, dog food, dog toys, and basic cleaning supplies (bleach, pine sol, liquid soap, and paper towels) to give to the shelter. They decorated a pet donation box and placed it at the top of the stairs in the Westborough Public Library. Donations can be dropped there, or contact Troop Leader Marcy Lippold at 508-616-9691 or mslippold@charter.net to arrange for pick-up of donations. Whiz Kid'sKey to Awesomeness: The girls saw that the dogs needed supplies and care, and they created a way to help. Their Greyhound Rescue Donation Drive will run throughout the month of March.
And here they are:
Kind of restores your faith in people huh, Cart?
Cart is friendly, outgoing, and enjoys being around people. He is playful, but calms quickly. He loves meeting people and gets excited to greet them. He is very affectionate. He loves to be petted and will snuggle with you if you sit on the floor with him. He loves to play and toss his toys. He is starting to collect items around the house, a slipper, the kitchen throw rug, etc. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Cart would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 5 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be happiest in a home with another dog to play with him. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.
Silver update: On Wednesday, Silver found a permanent couch!
OK, so we get the "shared sacrifice" slogan all of our elected betters are using to try and convince us they have a plan to keep this country from sliding into irrelevancy. President Muslim used it to explain why his budget cut home heating assistance. He didn't mention it's a scientific fact poor people are fat because of all that $2 a case mac and cheese they get from Costco. That's how you pick them out in a crowd. It's just a variation of the O'Brien Method. The point is, they've got extra layers, man, they don't need all that heat. Here in the home state of IM Central, our newly elected governor (Republican of course--all the cool states are doing it these days) has decided to remove the Earned Income Tax credit from his budget because the people who use it--namely poor families--really don't need the state to help them feed their kids and buy them clothes and stuff. Heck, mac and cheese is $2 a case at Costco, dude, and have you seen the selection of worn out jeans and sweatshirts at Goodwill these days?
Times are tough for everyone, you know? Shared sacrifice and whatnot, yo?
Now, we can understand why the Kenyan Usurper needs to cut back, having given all that money to the bankers and such, and here in the Water Winter Wonderland we understand that sacrifice is needed so businessmen can get their tax break. Jobs, you know, and...um...rising tide lifting all boats et cetera and so forth.
But here's our question: When a poor person makes a bad short term decision, like say buys a smart phone he or she can't afford instead of paying down credit card debt, or saving or something, that person gets held up to public scrutiny as an example of everything that's wrong with social welfare programs and why should we be letting these people lead the life of Riley on the public dime when times are tough and yada yada yada blah blah blah whatever shared sacrifice, the end.
Yet when a business executive makes a bad short term decision that brings down his or her company, and lately the whole economy, that person gets a bail out, a tax break and a bonus.
We're coming to you today from the Democratic People's Republic of America here in the marbled halls of IM Central where we don't have a president for life, but as soon as we get rid of the black guy we may look into it--that is if there are any states left in the union by then.
New Hampshire's new Republican state House speaker is pretty clear about what he thinks of college kids and how they vote. They're "foolish," Speaker William O'Brien said in a recent speech to a tea party group. New Hampshire House Republicans are pushing for new laws that would prohibit many college students from voting in the state - and effectively keep some from voting at all.
Hey, wait a minute there Speaker O'Brien. "Foolish" people are probably a big part of your constituency, no? How else do you explain your election? After all, you told everyone that you were putting jobs, economy and taxpayers at the forefront of your agenda, and what's the first thing you do? Try to disenfranchise a whole class of voters. Seems like the people who voted for you may have been a little foolish to take you at your word. Besides, what did the kids ever do to you?
"Voting as a liberal. That's what kids do," he added, his comments taped by a state Democratic Party staffer and posted on YouTube. Students lack "life experience," and "they just vote their feelings."
Oh. Well, you've got us there Mr. Speaker. This whole democracy thing would be a lot easier to manage if people who didn't agree with you weren't allowed to vote. That must be what Jefferson meant when he said, "Dissent is the highest form of patriotism."No wait. That's not the quote we were looking for. How about, "If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be."No? Let's try, "I know no safe depository of the ultimate powers of the society but the people themselves; and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with a wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them but to inform their discretion by education. This is the true corrective of abuses of Constitutional power."
Frequent reader(s) of this blog have succumbed to the ennui of living...er...we mean know that we here in the marbled halls of IM Central have a long tradition of investigating and analyzing both sides of the complicated and complex social issues we write about so that we can bring you the most cogent and sophisticated explication of the day's events possible.
Of course, we don't claim to be perfect and we are sure there are times when we've fallen short of our standards--like every time we hit the "publish" button. Blogging sober might help our success rate, but no matter, we are here today to set the record straight. We've noticed that these last few weeks of FHB have been nothing but bad news for the overlords, which we suppose is to be expected when your life consists of leeching a meager existence, tick-like, off the backs of innocent animals which you callously use for profit, then heartlessly cast aside for someone else to pick up, like trash by the side of the road.
Of course that's just our opinion. We could be wrong.
Anyway, this week, rather than bringing you up to date on the latest drumbeats in the greyhound racing funeral march, we thought it would be only fair to hear the other side of the story, so we've invited overlord. Samuel R. Burdette to speak to you today. Mr. Burdette will tell us why greyhound racing is a "substantial industry" as opposed to an unsubstantial industry we guess, maybe like ghost hunting or something, but we'll let him explain that.
Regarding the Daily Mail's Feb. 24 editorial, "Should racinos lose dog tracks?":
No, racinos should not lose dog tracks.
So, there you go then. Thank you for clearing that up, Mr. Burdette and this has been another episode of simple answers to simple questions. We hope you...oh, excuse us. Mr. Burdette isn't done.
Greyhound injuries during races occur at a low probability and should not raise questions about continuing.
Whoa, science. Didn't realize Mr. Burdette was a statistician. So, you got your basic "low probability" going on here, which means those dogs that suffer and die to earn Mr. Burdette a couple of bucks are just, you know, unlucky. Tough break. That's the way the cookie crumbles. It's all probabilities man, like chance and stuff. For example, the earth has a low probability of being struck by a meteor. Course, if you happen to be under one when it does strike it sort of ruins your day.
* Regarding injuries, as presented by Grey 2K:
Grey 2K is an animal rights organization, not an animal welfare group.
Ha! Point taken Mr. Burdette. See the distinction between rights and welfare is crucial because it...um...well because...erm...ah...OK, we don't have a clue what you're talking about.
It has a political agenda to outlaw greyhound racing. It does little and spends little, if any, for hands-on welfare care of greyhounds. It uses the mental concept of injuries to claim "the sky is falling, the sky is falling."
Oh, we get it. By drawing attention to the horrific conditions greyhounds endure in your "substantial industry," by bringing public pressure to bear on the institutionalized cruelty of greyhound racing, they're not helping the dogs at all. If they'd just shut up and take the units off your hands so you can get on with replacing them that would be much better for you. Ah, we mean the greyhounds, better for the greyhounds. Gotcha.
We also understand the "mental concept of injuries" better now too. We think you've got something there. If you could just convince all those dogs with broken bones that they've got a "mental concept" instead of an injury they could be back out there racing the next day. It's win win man!
Actually, the injury statistics quoted in the editorial are low percentages. The editorial said there were 750 broken-bone injuries over a six-year period at the Mardi Gras racetrack at Nitro. Some of these broken bone injuries represent relative minor broken bones such as a cracked toe or a slight stress fracture. Some do represent career ending broken bones.
What's wrong with racing greyhounds these days? They break a "minor" bone or get a "slight" fracture and they're all like ow, ow ow, I can't run fast anymore. I can't make my overlord's trailer payment for him. Weenies.
A six-year period at Mardi Gras represents over 262,000 individual greyhound trips around the track. Broken bone injuries of 750 divided by 262,000 trips equals 0.0028 occurrences per trip, or a 00.28 percent probability of a bone fracture occurring per trip. Twenty-eight hundredths of 1 percent is a very low rate of incidence.
Woo Hoo! Math! Ooo, Ooo Can we try Mr. Burdette? Let us try. OK, OK. You have a 0.0005 percent chance of getting hit by lightning, a 0.0006 percent chance of drowning in a bathtub, a 0.0000005 percent chance of dying on a five mile bus trip. Course if your bus happens to be the one that runs into a tree it sort of changes your perspective, right Birthday Toy?
The racetrack has a full-time maintenance crew continuously preparing the track before each race. The Racing Commission has a full-time veterinarian to address injuries and to judge the safety of running a race in times of bad weather and to judge the track surface.
Mr. burdette? We think we see your problem. Having a Veterinarian around to say, "yeah, that dog's hurt. You can tell by the bone sticking out" is a good thing, but asking that Vet to be a meteorologist and a civil engineer, well, we're not Vets or anything, but we're pretty sure they don't teach that stuff in Vet school.
We do not agree that this is a "gruesome sport."
So, there you go then. Thank you for your time, Mr. Burdette and this has been another episode of all your facts are irrelevant to us. We hope you...oh, excuse us. Mr. Burdette isn't done.
Quite the contrary. In no way does greyhound racing approach gruesome animal sports such as dog fighting or cockfighting, which have been outlawed.
Umm...Mr. Burdette? You sure you want to go there? We mean, if being legal is your criterion, you may have a problem. Just saying.
Our greyhounds represent a significant investment We depend on them for a livelihood. We feel very affectionate towards our dogs and do not want them injured.
Good for you Mr. Burdette. Now, if only you wouldn't constantly put the dogs in harm's way and callously dump them when they did get injured we'd be getting somewhere. Marry your thought to an action, that's all we're saying.
We have no reservation about racing our greyhounds at Mardi Gras racetrack.
Well of course you don't. You aren't the one who ends up with bones sticking out of them.
* Regarding the benefits of greyhound dog racing:
The greyhound racing and breeding industry is a source of jobs and economic support in West Virginia. We estimate over $20 million is pumped directly to the West Virginia greyhound breeding and ownership economy from track purses and development fund proceeds each year.
Ooo! Ooo! More math. How about this: The GDP of West Virgina is about $59 Billion. So, $20 million is about 0.003 percent of the economic output. Yay numbers!
* On the agenda of animal rights groups:
Animal rights groups such as Grey 2K, the Humane Society of the United States and PETA have leaders who advocate no human control over animals - no hunting, no fishing, no pets, no animal acts, no dog racing, no horse racing and no slaughtering of animals for human food.
Hmmm...it's hard to argue with that logic Mr. Burdette. Well, hard unless you were paying attention school the day they talked about the fallacy of the slippery slope.
Some have advocated that everyone should be a vegetarian.
Uh...OK. If "some" have, that means some have not, so do you have a point there, Mr. Burdette, or is your medication starting to wear off? Oh wait, we get it. You're trying to scare us. No greyhound racing means TOFU BURGERS BITCHEZ!!!(eleventy)!!
The real question then boils down to: Do humans have the right to control animals and use them for sporting events, pets or food?
Hey! That was pretty neat how you slipped "sporting events" in there with pets and food. We're thinking your answer is yes.
This is a philosophical question and depends on a person's own religious and philosophical beliefs.
Actually, a person's philosophical beliefs depend on his or her philosophy and that person's religious beliefs depend on his or her religion. But no biggy. Aristotle and the Pope. We get them mixed up all the time too.
Imagine a legislative bill to outlaw deer hunting or fishing in West Virginia. We doubt seriously it would become law.
Imagine trying to dodge the deer on highways after several years of no deer hunting. Imagine a bill to outlaw pets.
Imagine not having beef or fish to eat. Imagine the devastating economical impact on segments of our state with no hunting or fishing, no horse or dog racing, and no food from animals.
Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
Yeah, we're John Lennon fans too, Mr. Burdette. You got a point in there somewhere? We thought you were talking about greyhound racing.
Feed stores, veterinarians, parts of the food processing industry, fast food restaurants and other segments of our economy would struggle to exist.
No greyhound racing, no MacDonalds. OK your argument is becoming too sophisticated for us to follow Mr. Burdette. Where'd you come up with that?
We think that after discussion and debate over the animal rights agenda, it would be rejected by the majority. We should not fall for the rhetoric and false logic of animal rights groups. We should not outlaw greyhound dog racing in West Virginia. It could be the first step down a very slippery slope.
Er...Mr. Burdette? When you build your whole argument around a fallacy it's best not to admit that's what you did. Sort of destroys your credibility, know what we mean? See Daucus? This is what happens when you drop out of school in the sixth grade.
Daucus is very laid back, but curious. He is affectionate; he will approach for pets and will sometimes give kisses. He likes to rub his face up and down on your legs. He is a big boy and will try to herd the humans to get his way. He will sleep on his back with his tongue hanging out. Daucus would do well in a working family home with another mid-size to larger dog to keep him company and would probably be okay as an only dog with a family that had someone home more often. He would do better in a home with larger well-mannered children, as he does not always understand his size. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
Silver update: She is a fun girl and has cockroached for the first time and has rooed once, showing her increased confidence. She hides toys in her cage or at a back door collection.
OK, so we just heard The Draped One has written a new book that says all Jews aren't Christ killers.
Yeah. We know. We were losing sleep over that too. Anyway, as part of his exoneration of said Jewish folks he says, "How could the whole people have been present at this moment to clamor for Jesus' death?" Benedict asks.
Good question your Pradaness, but here's a better one: If all humanity wasn't present to clamor for appletinis when Eve ate the apple, how come we all have to pay for original sin?
The Jews got to know somebody on the inside, that's the only thing we can think of.
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