Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Let Us All Now Praise Kevlar Jesus

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the cosmos doesn't care that you have potential but never get a break...erm...we mean know that we have often discoursed on the topic of our relationship with the deity. Having cut our theological teeth in the Church Catholic, we feel uniquely qualified to opine on these matters, especially now that we've completed our therapy and our course of medications.

That being said, however we still find that even though we have discussed this issue before, certain elements of current christian ritual befuddle us to the point where we often long for the wise counsel of our seventh grade teacher, sister Arnulfa, whose response to almost any canonical question was the same: "No where in the Bible does it say God has to explain anything to you. Now shut up and finish translating the Gallic Wars."
Parishioners carried Bibles in embroidered cases, babies with ribbons in their hair, and flutes, violins and sheet music into Immanuel Bible Church for Palm Sunday services. And a few carried guns, tucked into waistbands, hidden under suit jackets.
OK, so you go to church on Sunday with a gun sticking out of your pants like you are some sort of  Pancho Via or something. This is the image you want to present to Jesus?
Since the Virginia attorney general published an advisory opinion last week on weapons in houses of worship, Rev. Steve Holley, the church’s pastor of ministries wonders whether more of his flock will have “a Bible in one holster and a handgun in the other as they come to church.”
Well of course you need a firearm in a house of worship. You never know when...wait a minute...they make holsters for bibles? Who needs to quick draw Leviticus?
Virginia law bars guns in religious meetings unless the person has a “good and sufficient reason” to carry a weapon.
"Look," said Buford (Hog boy) Hayes Junior the Third. "I got a tenth grade education, a dead end job, my wife won't let me touch her and my kids think I suck gravel through a straw. If that's not “good and sufficient reason to carry a weapon" I don't know what is. People respect me when they see a gun sticking out under my belly. Especially when it occurs to them that I'm just stupid enough to have it loaded with the safety off.
In the earliest days, firearms and religion were enormously important to Virginians, with residents expected to own guns and practice shooting regularly and to worship publicly.
"Them was the days," Hayes mused. "The darkies knew their place, women didn't give you no lip, and if you wanted to have a few beers, then go out in the backyard in your underwear and pop off a couple of rounds at the neighbor's cat, nobody said nothing to you."
In many parts of Virginia, people carry guns openly at places such as grocery stores, parks and some polling places. Some conceal the weapons if they have a permit to do so. The Rev. Jonathan Barton, head of the Virginia Council of Churches, told of a groom who wanted to keep his gun in its holster during his wedding ceremony.
Oh, that wedding night must have been fun. "Now honey, we're about to come together as man and wife, but I swear if you laugh when I take my pants off, I'll shoot you."
Barton was saddened by  Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli II's opinion. “A house of worship is for celebration of life, and to carry a concealed weapon into that space is to violate that sacred space.”
"Oh get over it, Barton," Hayes countered. "Don't feed me any of that pious crap. Women come to church to check out what other women are wearing and guys check out each others guns. Why do you think god invented the sabbath anyway? Read your bible man."

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