Friday Hound Blogging

Ah, Stoli in the freezer, football on the tee vee feet on the ottoman and greyhounds on the couch. Here we sit in the marbled halls of IM Central watching the saggy buttocks of 2010 vanishing down the road to the train station, a ticket to history clutched in is age spotted hand. And what can you say about a year like that?

More tracks closed, more states decided animal exploitation wasn't a business they wanted to associate with and more overlords discovered the help wanted section of the newspaper. Still, the end of one year is the beginning of a new one and where there is youth, there is hope, so as sure as the old year seemed to continually slap the overlords upside their empty little heads with the reality that people with souls are not amused by their presence, the overlords took that as a sign that prosperity was just around the corner if they could hang on, tick-like to the backs of the dogs a bit longer.

Take Florida for instance, racing central for what's left of the industry. Things could be looking up there, right Linda Robertson?

Dog racing has been in decline for 20 years. In Florida, where 16 tracks survive, the handle, or amount wagered, on racing has dropped from about $620 million to $300 million in 10 years. Pari-mutuel wagering on dog racing, horse racing and jai alai has fallen 44 percent in the past 10 years, from $1.7 billion to $958.5 million, and state tax revenues have fallen by 55 percent as a result. The handle at Miami's Flagler dog track was $25 million last year.

See? That's not so bad. Every industry has ups and downs, so what if racing has been on a down for 20 years and shows no sign of every having an up again. When the alternative is getting a real job, you take you victories where you find them, right Juan Fra, Magic City's general manager?

``Live racing is a money-loser,'' said Fra. He's spent his entire career in the business, starting as a 15-year-old leadout who walked the dogs through the post parade to the starting line. ``I feel bad for the people on the greyhound side. Like fishermen, it's what they know. But you've got to adapt. Luckily, I love poker.''

Yeah. We played poker with some fishermen once. Got cleaned. Get it? Cleaned. Like a fish, you know? Hey the humor is subtle on this blog. Try and keep up, will you?

OK, so people don't want to watch innocent animals risk their lives on the track anymore so the overlords can make the trailer payment. What happened? Where did animal exploitation go wrong Mike Scofieldson?

Although there are no rules governing Greyhounds Racing in many countries, that doesn't stop people from drugging their dogs for better performance. In addition to that, the poor treatment with chemical enhancements has resulted into health problems as well as the rough nature of the dogs. Mistreating the dogs will have not only a negative effect on the dogs, but also the way the sport is seen around the world.

 OK we get it. When people see innocent animals being "mistreated" in ways that injure their health,and result in pain and suffering, risk, and in many cases take their lives, they get the perception that maybe greyhound racing "bad."

Where do people get crazy ideas like that?

FOX 4 drives over....spot a few dogs out for a walk...and then a security guard stops us.
Security Guard: "Well....all the management is in a meeting off site so there's nobody here who can help you."
FOX 4: "We had heard some concerns about some of the kennels. Is there anyway we can get some video in there?"
Security Guard: "No ma'am, absolutely not."

Oh. Yeah. Well, there is that. Say Silver, how would you feel about wearing a wire?

Silver is happy and loves attention. She is confident, outgoing, friendly, and well mannered. She will approach you lean against you and loves to have her neck scratched. She will under her foster mom’s computer desk to lie on her feet. She is a bit on the shy side, but is warm and loving when she gets to know you. She loves squeaky toys and loves to run in the yard. She likes to steal your socks as you are putting them on and she will also steal slippers. She takes the new found items to her bed. She is playful. When she catches a squeaky toy, she will catch it with her paws and her feet, like a seal. She has a hard time understanding when the squeaky toys no longer squeak and will continue to work on them to try to get them to squeak again. Silver is happy in the crate, lounging around the house, or laying flat out in the grass in the sun. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Silver would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about these dogs, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

 If you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Eds. Note: As this is the last hound we are going to feature in 2010, we remind you of an Ironicus Maximus tradition because we're still sober enough to remember it ourselves. In this tradition we take the last skinny dog of the year and follow her from kennel to kouch. See how we played with the letter K? That's more subtle Ironicus Maximus humor right there. Funny too. Did you know K is the funniest letter in the alphabet?

Trust us. We know about these things.

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, happy, merry, joyous day before we pretend the baby J was born. We here in the marbled halls of IM Central plan a quiet celebration copiously supplied with adult beverages, football and empty calories.

Traditions make the holidays, no?

And speaking of tradition, what say we peek in on the overlords and see if they've been naughty or nice.

Nearly two years after an anti-greyhound racing group first sought records relating to dog injuries at the racetrack in Nitro, the group says that the state Racing Commission has yet to honor its request."It's that daggone new copier we got," said Jon Amores is the new executive secretary of the racing commission. "Can't none of us figure out how to run the durn thing."

Grey2K USA which has helped spearhead investigations into racetracks across the nation, has consistently received copies of injury reports from the racetrack in Wheeling, as well as other documents relating to the track at Mardi Gras. "Yeah, Billy Bob he took them files down to that Kinkos place," Amores said."But he plum run outta dimes 'for he got done."

Amores said that the delay is partly due to significant staff turnover in the racing commission's Charleston offices.  "You got any idea how long it takes to train people?" He asked. "Why it took me almost three weeks just to find the can."

The racing commission is actively working on fulfilling the group's records request. Last week, the Daily Mail filed its own request for injury reports for the past five years. Amores confirmed receipt of the Daily Mail's request and said the records are being compiled. "I just gave Billy Bob five bucks and sent him down to the Piggly Wiggly to get some dimes."

Piggly Wiggly? He talking about you Clover?

Clover is a little shy at times, but wriggles all over when greeting you. One of her nick names is Piggly Wiggly. She will sometimes give a little bark to get your attention. She is very sweet. Clover would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. She is good with other dogs and would also be good as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the holiday season is a plot by the pharmaceutical companies to create a market for anti-depressants...er...we mean know we here in the marbled halls of IM Central have long been long outspoken advocates for removing greyhounds from the benevolent care of the overlords and establishing them on needy couches across this nation.

Well, no more. As a result of some undercover skulduggery by the animal rights wackos we have learned that far from suffering cruel living conditions, unhealthy food and dangerous, sometimes fatal tracks, greyhounds live in the lap of luxury while under the caring stewardship of the overlords.

Don't believe us? See for yourself:



Now, we know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Ironicus, that doesn't look like the lap of luxury to us. In fact, it looks rather like a gulag, or an internment camp for enemies of the state.

See, that's because you don't know anything about greyhound racing, right Tucson  Greyhound Park's CEO and general manager Tom Taylor?

Taylor says Tucson Greyhound Park is one of the best remaining racing facilities in the country. He calls the kennels an ideal place for dogs.

Little known fact: Overlords from other tracks call Tom all the time and ask if they can send their dogs there. It's a freakin' greyhound spa man! Just ask Tom:

We asked, "Would you keep your dog like this?
Taylor said, "If it was a racing dog yes, if it was a pet no.
We asked, "What is the difference?"
Taylor answered, "One has a job and does a job and one doesn't. One has to stay in shape the other doesn't."

When asked how a dog kept in a 2 1/2 by 3 foot crate 22 hours a day could stay in shape, Taylor responded that the Jane Fonda workout video is played on a continuous loop in the kennel and the dogs are all taught isometrics so they can join in.

But since voters passed a proposition in 2008 to protect the treatment of greyhounds at TGP, by law they must be outside for at least 6 hours a day. Taylor says that is the only part that isn't ideal at Tucson Greyhound Park and that even the dogs oppose it.

Wait, you mean the dogs don't want to be outside, crowded into a fenced dirt lot in the Arizona sun  with limited water and even less shade for six hours? Ungrateful curs.

But we wanted to see for ourselves.
Taylor says, "If you walk in there you may not see the same thing they saw."
We asked to see it, but Taylor declined.
"I am not going to let the press in because you are going to show it to thousands of people and we don't know how they are going to take it. It doesn't make any sense to do that Heather. I could show you the Taj Mahal and people would say that it is too religious."

See, there's your problem right there. It's just a matter of religious intolerance. Because of its large Hispanic population, the Tucson area is primarily Catholic, but everybody knows greyhounds are dyed in the wool Presbyterians.  If only we lived in a kinder, gentler society, Mr. Taylor would personally give guided tours of the kennel, three times daily and by appointment to special groups.

We asked, "Can't we just let the people decide?"
Taylor responded, "No. They won't. They will agree with these people."
We asked, "If you have nothing to hide and are prideful then..."
Taylor said, "I could show you the Mona Lisa and you could say that is horrible."

Aw, isn't that nice of Mr. Taylor Red? He knows your taste in art runs to portraiture and the last thing you need is some bonehead Jackson Pollock fan coming through the kennel.

Red is loving, warm, cheerful, friendly, and affectionate. He smiles a lot and he wants to lean against you for attention. When you approach him, he starts wagging his tail- back and forth. He “chitters” his teeth when he is happy. He wants to shadow his foster family. He “roos” when he wants to see you. He has a big overbite which is endearing. Red would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. He would probably do better in a home with another dog to keep him company. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Virginia! Motto: You Can't Pull A Trigger With A Limp Wrist

Well well well, President Hopey signed the repeal of DADT today which is either the end of civilization as we know it or...um...nothing. We're going to have to go with nothing here because it has been our experience that when laws make reality legal they seldom have much of an effect on the way things go, being as that's the way things were going before the law came along, and now that there's a law things are pretty much going to be the same, except for those folks who get their groceries all in a wet bag because they can't play pretend anymore.

Add to that the fact that gays have been in the military since George Washington wore Martha's underwear in the battle of Manhattan and you've pretty much got a situation that isn't going to be changed much by the fact that everybody now legally knows what they always knew before.

Frankly, we've never been able to figure out how a guy's ability to shoot a gun, or drive a tank, or fly an airplane was affected by whom he chooses to boink in his off hours, regardless of what team he plays for because the very same people who are all verklempt that there might be queens in the trenches, aren't concerned at all with the full on horn dogs out there defending our freedom to deny other people freedom. And it's always about the guys too. When it comes to the Lesbos, well, not only do we not want to ban it, we pay good money to see it.

A hundred years from now historians are going to look back on this time and go, Man, Them. Dudes. Was. Messed. Up.

Now, we know what you're thinking, "It's not so much them fellers corn-holing one another as it is them being out a recruitn' our youngin's."

Yeah. Apparently, if you are a hetero there is no defense against the homo mojo and therefore, if we don't want to see the demise of the NFL and WWF, we need to keep the swishers away from the cream of our youth. Well, at least the guys. For the ladies...um...Jello Wrestling! Oh yeah baby!

All of which brings us to Virginia.

Delegate Bob Marshall (R-Prince WIlliam) said he is drafting a bill for the 2011 legislative session that would ban them from serving in the Virginia National Guard.

OK, first of all "Prince" William? This guy is from a district named after a prince and he wants to talk about real men being the masters of the military domain?

"This policy will weaken military recruitment and retention, and will increase pressure for a military draft,'' Marshall said.

Now hold on there just a minute, Pilgrim.  If you go a wily nilly drafting folks into the army who can bend their index fingers, ain't you gonna catch up some o' them stromos too? Sort of defeats the purpose, see what we're saying?

"After 232 years of prohibiting active, open homosexuals from enlisting in our military, President Obama and a majority in Congress are conducting a social experiment with our troops and our national security...

Darn straight there Pastor Bobby. We've been down this road before and look how that turned out.

The Pope! Motto: Got To Fix Our Message, But First, Acrobatic Strippers

Hey everybody! The popemeister's  back with reason number 4,267 why you should get off his back 'cause the peeps was boinking the choirboys.

Pope Benedict XVI said the Catholic Church must reflect on what is wrong with its message and Christian life in general that allowed for the widespread sexual abuse of children by priests. "We were going to go with 'the devil made me do it,' but that was already taken," the pope told reporters. "Turns out using god as an excuse to do whatever we want really seems to have a downside."

While accepting responsibility for the scandal, Benedict said the abuse must also be seen in the broader social context, in which child pornography and sexual tourism are rampant, and where as recently as the 1970s pedophilia wasn't considered the absolute evil that it is today.

OK, now we're not lawyers or anything, but is, "it's my fault except for the part that isn't," and "it was all right in the 70's" really the best defense you can come up with? 

The pope made the remarks to Vatican cardinals and bishops gathered for his traditional Christmas party, an eagerly anticipated celebration featuring semi-nude acrobats.  "They were all above the age of consent," said one vatican official who asked not to be identified.

While stressing that most priests do good, honest work when they're sober, Benedict said revelations of abuse in 2010 reached "an unimaginable dimension" that required the church to accept the "humiliation" as a call for renewal. "It was like the freakin' wikileaks around here for a while," said a spokesperson for the Vatican Office of Diverting Attention.

"We must ask ourselves what we can do to repair as much as possible the injustices that occurred without it costing too much money," Benedict said. "We must ask ourselves what was wrong in our cover-up, with our entire way of configuring the whole perverts for Christ thing, that allowed this to occur. We must find a new determination in deflection and obfuscation."

Benedict has previously acknowledged that the scandal was the result of sin within the church and that the church as a result must repent for it and make amends with victims. But Monday's comments suggested that there might be some intrinsic problem with the way Christianity and its message was understood in the modern world that allowed for the abuse to fester unchecked.

Oh sure, shoot the message. It wasn't the message that was schlepping the holy rod of salvation to the kiddies your Pradaness, it was the people responsible for administering the message.

"We know of the particular gravity of this sin committed by priests and our corresponding responsibility," Benedict told the prelates gathered in the frescoed Sala Regia of the Vatican's apostolic palace. But he said the crimes of the priests also had to be looked at in today's context, where child pornography, drug use, sexual trafficking are to some degree considered normal even though an entire generation of children is being harmed.

Yeah, normal. That's why perverts, druggies and pimps get arrested when they get caught. Hey your drapiness, when's the last time one of your deviants went to jail, huh?

He said the underlying ideology of such rampant excesses stemmed from the 1970s, when "pedophilia was theorized as something that was in keeping with man and even the child," where nothing was considered good or evil in and of itself but only relative to the circumstances.

Hmm...didn't realize cadets in a seminary got a full curriculum of moral relativism and secular humanism, oh wait, it must have been that blasted  disco. That stuff could make Chuck Norris gay right there.

Friday Hound Blogging

OK so last Friday we told you about how the overlords will spare no expense to make sure the units...um...dogs are safe and have the very best care. They spent $250,000, or $400,000 or a buck thirty to totally redo a greyhound race track and how do those ungrateful mongrels show their appreciation? Well, they kept getting hurt. In fact, they get hurt more frequently on the new track than they did on the old one.

That's just spite right there.

The overlords are a forgiving lot though, especially when the choice is keep the dogs running, or get a job, so even though the inventory is still being damaged at pre-improvement rates, the dogs are being hurt because of their own stubbornness they have decided to launch another campaign to convince the public they aren't callous, heartless monsters exploiting living creatures for profit to show how much they love admire and respect the product...er...dogs. They sent a letter to greyhound adoption organizations all over North America. Well, they would have, but they forgot to buy stamps and petty cash was out because Guccione bought a candy bar again, so they hand delivered a couple to the retired folks across the street and called it a day. Anyway, here's what the letter said:

The National Greyhound Association is strongly committed to greyhound adoption because we're tired of all the wailing about what is really a pretty efficient way to reduce overhead if you don't count the fact that the dogs have to die and stuff, and is sincerely grateful for the services your agency provides for retired racers because at least we can point to that when some other bone head gets caught offing a bunch of...er...we mean streamlining his inventory.

Toward this common goal of getting us out of the cross hairs of those animal rights wackos, the NGA Board of Directors wishes to act like we care in cases where adoption organizations might be having difficulty in obtaining from the record owner a negligible portion of the expenses incurred in keeping the greyhound alive long enough to get it off our books. This includes pretending we're helping in the relocation of the future pet. A simple written notification of your situation, sent to the NGA (by mail or by e-mail), will trigger the NGA’s good wishes in all your endeavors.

Now, you're probably thinking, wow, the overlords have really gone all out for the protection of their meal ticket...um...the dogs and you wouldn't be far wrong, but the overlords aren't done yet:

In addition, we want to reaffirm our commitment to ensuring all the overlords stay out of the job market. NGA stands ready to respond to your communication whenever there is a concern about people with souls finding out you really couldn't care less about the units once they're no longer profit centers. This applies to greyhounds on breeding farms, in racing kennels, or in transit.  Quick communication can be made to NGA by e-mailing us at nga@slimebags.com or by phoning me at 785-263-4660. No collect calls please.

Ha! How you like them overlords now puppy huggers? "This applies to greyhounds on breeding farms, in racing kennels, or in transit." That pretty much covers it, no? Even in transit the overlords are looking out for the well being of those little four legged rent checks, right Lonnie and Jamie Boyle?

Eight greyhounds died in early September, likely of heat exhaustion, while being hauled across the country to Arizona, documents from the state's Department of Racing show. The eight greyhounds likely died near El Paso, documents show. The couple traveled through Tucson with the dead dogs, but never stopped at Tucson Greyhound Park to look into veterinary care for the surviving dogs, documents say.

Now will you believe the overlords when they say all that stuff about how the dogs have to be lovingly cared for; about how they're professional athletes and have to have only the best if they are going to perform; about how they're really part of the family and...oh crap.

Well, in his defense Lonnie did try to call  like the letter said, but Guccione was out of minutes so he couldn't answer. There still appear to be some glitches in the system, huh Watson?

Watson very playful and puppy-like. He has his energy in the morning, but by the evening, he is ready for a good rest. He is affectionate; he will approach and lick your hand or stand by you and lean for attention. He can launch a stuffy across the room. He plays with toys by himself and with the family dogs. Watson would be fine in a working family home, with well-mannered children, 6 and up. He is good with smaller children, but needs a little more training to control his enthusiasm around them. He would do best with another dog in the home to keep him company or with a family that has someone home most of the time. He would do best in a home with a fenced yard. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Senator Complains Extra Time Not Needed. He Can Do Nothing In The Time Allotted

Jim DeMint thinks it's "sacrilegious" that the senate has to work around the holidays. Perhaps someone should tell him he's lucky to have a job to whine about.

OK, we have to take a minute out here and say using a sentence with the words "senate" and "work" in it is the rhetorical equivalent of a sentence containing the words hippopotamus and polypropylene. We apologize for any cognitive disorder the aforementioned construction may have caused.

Besides, everybody knows the senators have to get home so they can not participate in local parades.

It's what Jesus would want, after all.

Just A Thought

Wish we had democrats who fought for middle class and poor folks are determinedly as republicans fight for the upper class and corporations.

Democrats! Motto: Consistently Underperforming Since 1980

Well, here's a big surprise.

The tax package dictated to President Barack Obama by GOP lawmakers is headed toward passage in the Senate, which we feel obligated to point out contains a majority of democrats, but why should something like that matter because majority rule is only for republicans who, by the way, also run things when they're in the minority. This is why schools are dropping civics classes. They just confuse the students with all this talk of a two party system and one man one vote stuff.

"This proves that both parties can in fact work together when one just does what the other wants and looks out for the American millionaires," Obama said. "I recognize that folks who have to actually work for a living, and pay bills and stuff are unhappy with certain parts of the package and I understand those concerns. I'd share some of them, but the republicans told me not to."

Assistant Democratic Leader Dick Durbin of Illinois said that the wide margin by which the measure cleared the procedural vote should increase the futility of having democrats in the House. "I think the House takes notice," he said, Those guys get elected for six years at a time and if they don't have the cajones to stand up for their beliefs, why should we when we only get elected for two years at a time."

Later Congressman Durbin's office offered an apology to Senators for implying that they had beliefs for which it might be possible to stand up. "The Congressman simply misspoke," and aide told reporters.

Durbin said he understands opposition to the bill from people whose estates consist of a foreclosure notice and a half eaten moon pie, outraged over the substantial relief given the wealthy in estate tax provisions. "In the spirit of the season, it does say `God bless Tiny Tim and Donald Trump," he said. When asked to explain his comment Durbin said "It's the season of  bonuses for bankers who made this mess and protecting rich people who don't need it, but we give all the Tiny Tims a turkey leg so they don't feel neglected. Oh, then we gut their social security.

This week, several Democratic leaders said they may settle for a vote on an amendment that would impose a higher estate tax because republicans told them they could have that, as long as they didn't expect to change anything. "They're so cute when they pout," said one republican senatorial aide, "we couldn't say no."

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer said many House Democrats still have concerns about passing a lower estate tax. But, Hoyer said, standing up for the middle class would be bad for the nation's indolent rich.

"It is a bait and switch for middle-class families across the country who would no longer have to worry about a massive tax hike come Jan. 1 because rich people will get an even bigger piece of the pie they practically own now," Obama said."But since most of the middle class aren't working or paying taxes it's a kind of a hollow victory I suppose. Still, rich people? I got your back."

"It would offer real tax relief for Americans who are paying for college, parents raising their children and business owners looking to invest in their businesses and propel our economy forward," the president added. "Well, it would if those people had incomes to do those things in the first place, or if those businesses actually used record profits to hire workers. Hey, no plan is perfect, you know?"

Hey, don't tell us about plans that don't work. We elected you, remember?

Santorum 2012! Motto: Clueless, But at Least I'm Honest About It

Oh, hey look at this. Rick Santorum is running for president. Well that's...um...that's going to be...ah...Aw heck let's just be honest. Ricky brings the crazy like  Smuckers brings the jam. And with a name like Santorum, it has to be good. Thanks for neglecting your medications dude. Guess that career as a movie producer didn't work out huh? And yes we would agree with you that our prayers have been answered. Well, if we prayed that is, but no matter. You're just the kind of leader this country needs when it's fighting two wars, has no jobs and no money.

So what's your first priority? Economy? Taxes? Getting the Kenyan out of the White house?

Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum (R) looks like he's running for president. Or maybe he's not. Either way, he's reaching out to the average folk in Iowa and New Hampshire by declining to inform them of his love for Starbucks coffee. Otherwise they might think he's an effete east coast liberal, or something.

Effete? You're worried people will think you're effete?  Ricky, you wear pink ties, man. Pink. And it's not about breast cancer either because we know what you think of the wimmenz. We don't think coffee's your problem. Maybe you should think about making John Boehner cry. It's not so hard and it might get you some street cred. What do you think Mrs. Santorum?

But the most pointed advice has been from his wife, Karen, who issued a dictate she had never given in his earlier endeavors. "Do it right. Be serious about it," Santorum recalled her telling him. "If you decide to do this, don't embarrass me."

 Uh...sorry to have to tell you this, ma'am, but that ship sailed long ago.

Friday Hound Blogging

OK look. You green tea drinking, Prius driving, tie dyed, peace and love, macrame making animal rights wackos have been on the overlords since forever about how they treat the units...er...dogs. Well, enough is enough. It's time for the overlords to step up and show their true colors. It's time to put all this "we don't care about the inventory...er...dogs" to bed once and for all.

Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack officials plan to invest more than $250,000 to completely renovate its greyhound race course.

Eh? How you like us now puppy huggers? Let's see you put that in your organic compost maker and smoke it. Two Hundred and fifty THOUSAND dollars. That's like...well...a lot of money. You know how many trailer payments we could make with that? How much dental work that would buy? Well never mind because it's all for the product...er...dogs. So, now that you see how much we loves us our meal ticket...er...dogs, why don't you go bother the Japanese about whale hunting or something? Nothing more to see here.

Greyhound injuries at Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack remained high in October, despite a large-scale construction project aimed at improving safety for the dogs. In fact, records filed with the West Virginia Racing Commission show injuries actually increased in the weeks immediately following the track renovations.

See? It's like we told you. State of the art stuff. Nothing is too good for...umm...what?

Records at the time showed that the average number of injuries jumped from 19 per month in 2009 to more than 27 per month during the first seven months of this year.

 Crap. Knew we shouldn't have let the contract to Uncle Cletus just because he was the only one who knew how to drive a bulldozer. Wait a minute. Wait just a gul darn minute. We know what you're doing. You're counting little bumps and bruises as injuries ain't you? You're trying to fake us out with some a that fancy pants statistical calculatory mumbo jumbo ain't you? You think we don't know math and stuff, don't you? We see your little trick.

From Sept. 18 through the end of October, there were 41 reported injuries, according to the records. At least 22 of those injuries involved broken legs, the records show. Four dogs had injuries so severe that they had to be euthanized. Sixteen injuries occurred in the last two weeks of September. The other 25 occurred in October.

 Oh sure, it sounds bad when you say it like that, but we just bet you never tried to contact Jim Simms, president and general manager of the track for his side of the story did you? Huh?

Repeated phone calls to Simms' office were not returned.

Ha! We thought so. Wait...um...well Mr. Simms is a busy man. You think organizing and managing animal exploitation is easy? Erm...we mean overseeing the exciting sport of greyhound racing. Besides, you should probably talk to  the track's manager of gaming operations or marketing director. They're going to be more familiar with day to day stock losses...um...we mean track conditions.

Phone calls to the track's manager of gaming operations and marketing director also were not returned.

 OK, somebody find out if the phone bill got paid this month. Wait. We know. Let's talk to the track Vet. Now there's someone who really knows what's going on.

Lori Bohenko is the state veterinarian at the Wheeling track. She said the uptick in injuries in October and late September was expected, but that the figures for November show promise that injuries are now on the decline. Bohenko, who has extensive experience treating both greyhounds and racing horses, said the dogs faced a "period of adaptation," after the new track was installed.

Well, there you go then. See, it's all the dogs' fault. Case closed.

Yeah. If only the dogs would be more careful. Hey Tipsy. Be more careful, will you?

Tipsy is laid back and easy going. He also likes to play and has a lot of energy for a senior dog. He is friendly and affectionate. He will approach to have his ears scratched. He smiles when it is supper time. Tipsy would do well in a working family home with older, well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Eds Note: The story linked to in the first paragraph listed the cost of renovations at $250,000, but the story about the increase in injuries listed the cost at $400,000 proving once again that math is not the overlords' friend. We went with the $250,000 because that came from the story we linked to, and really, because it was probably only $37.50 anyway.

Kentucky! Motto: Working To Turn America Into A Second Rate Nation Since 2007

When they make you governor of Kentucky, do they take the bone out of your head that allows you to distinguish between your elbow and a hole in the ground?  We ask because, though the former governor of the state was a republican, and like all republicans his brain atrophied through lack of use years ago, the current governor is a democrat and thus we assume an elementary school graduate.

Of course that's just our opinion. We could be wrong.

Gov. Steve Beshear defended state tax incentives that could surpass $37 million for a religious theme park in Northern Kentucky. "It says right in the bible render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's and to god the occasional tax incentive," he said. "Or maybe that's the Constitution. I'm always getting the two confused."

State involvement in the $150 million project brought outrage from groups focused on the separation of church and state, but Beshear said there was nothing "remotely unconstitutional" about the proposal. "Well, except for the part where the state of Kentucky endorses a particular religion, but let's not pick nits here."

"The people of Kentucky didn't elect me governor to worry about trivialities like the Constitution," Beshear said. "They elected me governor to create jobs. Good christian jobs, like putting together the nativity scene on my lawn." When asked is he would support similar incentives for an Islamic theme park the governor explained that "There ain't no musselmens in Kentucky."

The Answers in Genesis group, which started the Creation Museum that opened in Petersburg in May 2007, will handle daily operations of the theme park because it turns out there are more stupid people willing to pay money to reinforce their fantasies than had previously been predicted.

Since the Creation Museum opened in 2007, nearly 1 million people have visited, Zovath said. More than 80 percent of the visitors were from outside Kentucky.

Yeah, well everybody needs a good laugh now and then.

Beshear said the park could have a $214 million economic impact in the first year and bring $250 million into the state by the fifth year. "Dumb people's money spends as good as anybody else's," he said.

Ark Encounter will include the ark, live animals, event venues and a children's play area, among other things. The ark will be made of various types of wood and capable of floating. When asked why the Ark would be capably of floating a representative of Answers in Genesis responded that the organization was "just covering all our bases. You know god ain't been too happy since the homos all started getting equal rights and stuff. Just saying."

During a news conference, reporters asked Beshear several questions about the constitutionality of the proposed tax incentives. Beshear said the law does not allow the state to discriminate against a for-profit business because of the subject matter. Not everyone supports NASCAR, the governor said, but that did not stop him from providing incentives to help Kentucky Speedway hold a Sprint Cup race next year. "And if you don't think NASCAR is a religion down here, you just don't know Kentucky," he added.

"We are all very positive, initially, about this application, and we don't really see any problems in getting it approved," Beshear said. "Of course I was dropped on my head numerous times as a child, so I may not be the best one to ask." he added.

Daniel Phelps, a geologist and president of the Kentucky Paleontological Society, called the governor's support of the proposal "embarrassing for the state. Considering the educational goals we have in the state, it's really disturbing," Phelps said.

"Well excuse me Mr Egghead Professor," Beshear responded, "But what's wrong with teaching impressionable children that a book so full of contradictions it can't even agree on the fundamental tenets of its own faith isn't the inerrant word of god? And why shouldn't tax dollars support that?"

Lawson said the Kentucky Tourism Development Finance Authority said the business can be approved for incentives "as long as it's legal and it meets the requirements of the act." He said the subject of the business is not an issue."and for those of you who think the United States Constitution's First Amendment supersedes Kentucky state law, well, let me just say Nullification Bitchez!!"

Cary Summers, the project's lead consultant, said the park will answer questions for people curious about how the ark was built and how Santa flies it all over the world in one night. He said 43 percent of people in a 2009 CBS survey declared Noah's Ark the archaeological discovery they would like to see next provided it was accessible to their Hoverounds.

Grant County Judge-Executive Darrell Link said the project accentuated the religious views of people in Grant County, but "at the end of the day, it's for-profit 'cause if you can't make money off of god you just don't know how to make money."

Oh you got yourself one big amen right there, yes you do brother Link.

Democrats! Motto: Our Opinion Has Been Duly Noted, And Ignored

Ah, deliberation, consensus, compromise, the three hallmarks of a healthy democracy. Yes sir, the Founding Father knew the value of principled men debating and defending their views, and in fact we have a great history of famous orators going head to head to determine the direction of this great land. The creation of a standing army, The Missouri Compromise, The Lincoln Douglas Debates, the list goes on and on. Well, until today.

An outline of a bipartisan economic package is emerging that would temporarily extend the Bush-era rates for all taxpayers, while extending jobless benefits for millions of Americans.

OK, we're not professional rhetoricians or anything, but we really don't think compromise means what the democrats think it means.  See, when you agree to extend the rich tax cuts "temporarily" and shortly after the "temporarily" begins the republicans take over majority control of the House, you really have changed "temporarily" into "permanent." Now it's true the first two letters of compromise are the same as the first two letters of collapse and concede, but  you guys are just down the street from the Library of Congress fer chrissakes. Couldn't somebody check out a dictionary or something?

"I think most folks believe the recipe would include at least an extension of unemployment benefits for those who are unemployed because even republicans aren't stupid enough to let four million people be thrown in the street, but if the democrats want to increase the deficit seven billion a year to let us keep the rich in yachts, well, who are we to say no?" said Sen. Jon Kyl of Arizona, the Senate's Republican negotiator in the talks.

Just watchin' out for his homies, what?

Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell on Sunday said discussions are still under way on a variety of unresolved issues. "We're trying to convince the democrats that it's really inconvenient for them to have positions because that just means we have to take more time out of our day convincing them to abandon them before we can get on with our agenda," he added.

The short-term tax and spending debate is unfolding even as Congress and the Obama administration confront growing anxieties over the federal government's growing deficits. "We put two wars on the credit card back when we ran everything," Senator Kyl said. "Now just because people are out of a job and losing their houses they think we need to do something. What are we, made of money?"

You never were made of money, dude. Just ask the Chinese.

The movement toward a possible collapse came after Republicans blocked Democratic efforts in the Senate Saturday to extend the current tax rates on all but the highest income levels.
A bill that almost 75% of voters want.

For Obama, the deal would mean relinquishing, at least for now, his long-held view that only middle-class voters should continue to benefit from Bush-era tax cuts.

Wait. Obama has a long held view? Does Senator McConnell know about this? Was this approved by the republican office of authorized democratic positions?

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Department of Odd Priorities here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoOP is a division of the Were You Dropped On You Head As a Child Corporation in partnership with Probably Too Dumb to Come In From The Rain, LLC.

A while back we told you about the good folks at the housing association London and Quadrant and how, after taking over the closed animal exploitation facility greyhound race track they put forth a plan to build some houses and stuff. Well, this upset the local rube population because instead of wandering out of their houses and having about a 50/50 chance of finding the track where they could proceed to lose the rent money, they would now have to take buses to one of the other two tracks in the area.

Now before you go getting all up on your high horse and start in with that elitist "Public transportation is a small price to pay for helping the over 14,000 peoples looking for housing" just take a minute and consider this:

1. Buses require bus fare and that seriously cuts into the money available to lose.
2. Riding the bus requires reading the bus schedule which contains both words and numbers together on the same page. Have you ever looked at one of those babies? It's like Whoa, man I just want spend a little time in the fruitless pursuit of a impossible fantasy paid for with the blood of innocent animals, not read a how to manual for building a nuclear submarine.

That's sort of where we left things back then. The housing people were interested in houses and the rubes were interested in continuing to support the overlords' lifestyle with their government checks. Then few weeks ago the housing people announced a meeting to show the folks the plan they had come up with to develop the area where the track had gone bankrupt because nobody came to it anymore.

Steve Yianni, L&Q Regional Director, said: “Our aim is to create a vibrant, high-quality and desirable place to live, that is also sensitive to the site’s unique character.

 "Unique character." Ha Ha. He's talking about the rubes there. What he's really saying is it's going to be a challenge to get new people to move to a neighborhood already populated with people who don't have teeth.

The announcement from L&Q comes the day after Boris Johnson pledged his support for Walthamstow Stadium as a 'sporting venue'. Mr Johnson's comments will be welcomed by Waltham Forest MPs Stella Creasy and Iain Duncan Smith, who have called on L&Q to negotiate with Bob Morton, a millionaire businessman who has offered to buy the venue and re-introduce racing.

 Um...perhaps you missed the part where Mr. Yianni said he wanted to "create a vibrant, high-quality and desirable place to live." See, you put a greyhound track in the middle of all that and it's sort of like a fart in church, you know? Everyone suffers because of  it, but no one will accept responsibility. Maybe you just need to explain this a little better so let's get everybody together and go over it one more time, OK?

Oh. Guess not.

The owner of Walthamstow Stadium has dramatically cancelled public consultation events on the future of the iconic venue over fears for staff safety. The housing association says its staff felt threatened by members of the Save Our Stow (SOS) campaign during the first consultation event at Christ The King Roman Catholic Church in Chingford Road yesterday. L&Q says it has been in touch with the police and a formal complaint is in the process of being made.

 Oh come on now. We're sure this is all just a misunderstanding. Surely you don't think someone with a third grade education, substance abuse problems and difficulty holding a job would resort to violence simply because there's no socially redeeming value to their position, no economic justification and no moral or ethical argument that can validate the suffering, injury and death of innocent animals just to give them a cheap thrill, do you?

Steve Yianni, L&Q regional director, said: "It is with deep regret that we are postponing these events but we cannot put our own staff's personal safety at risk from those who oppose our plans for redevelopment of the area.

Well, in their defense we have to say that it's likely to set tempers on edge when some outside company comes into a neighborhood and undermines one of the economic focal points of the area.

Mr Yianni added that the stadium was running at a significant loss at the time of its closure and L&Q's research showed half of residents never visited the venue.

Now, all that proves is that half the residents can read, or maybe it proves half the residents were exposed to lead based paints as children. It's all in your perspective, right Karmin?

“Karmin” is confident, friendly, sweet, and affectionate. She wants to be right near her foster mom and will nudge your hand for pets. She is very silly. She will “roo” on occasion. She is very excited when it is dinner time and she will spin in circles. She gets frisky when she sees her toys and at dinner time, but she also calms quickly. Karmin is an energetic, strong girl who loves to gallop around in the yard or go for a walk everyday. She is a quick learner and a ‘velcro’ dog. Karmin would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. She is good with other dogs and she would probably be fine as an only dog with in a home that has a family member home most of the time. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

If The Walls Of Congress Could Talk, They Wouldn't. They'd Weep.

You know, We really have quite a history of Orator Statesmen here in the good old U S of A. We're talking about people like James Otis and his famous speech against the Stamp Act, or John Adams, starting with his endorsement of George Washington to be Commander in Chief of the Revolutionary Army. Then there are James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, Daniel Webster, Henry Clay, Stephen Douglas, etc., etc., etc.

Given that tradition of elocutionary power, imagine our dismay when we awaken this morning to the latest addition to this pantheon of wordsmiths, Representative Steve King (U - nmedicated)





In other news,

US President Barack Obama's Republican foes in the House of Representatives said Wednesday they were disbanding the chamber's committee on battling global warming, calling it a waste of money. "We have pledged to save taxpayers' money by reducing waste and duplication in Congress," said a spokesman for Republican House speaker-designate John Boehner, Michael Steel. "Also ending civilization as we know it."


In case you were wondering, we now have a government of the chronically misinformed by the arrogantly ignorant for the wealthy and well connected.

For Us It's Always Been An Issue Of Slaves Rights...Er...States Rights

Frequent reader(s) of this blog will remember the day they surrendered to the inevitability of disappointment...er...we mean will remember that we have admitted on several occasions to being sons of the south.  Having spent out formative years among Bubbas in their natural habitat, we feel uniquely qualified to comment on the contretemps engendered by the forthcoming celebration of southern independence day.

The Civil War, the most wrenching and bloody episode in American history, may not seem like much of a cause for celebration, especially in the South. And yet, as the 150th anniversary of the four-year conflict gets under way, some groups in the old Confederacy are planning at least a certain amount of hoopla, chiefly around the glory days of secession, when 11 states declared their sovereignty under a banner of states’ rights and broke from the union.

Now see, here's the thing all Y'all Yankees don't understand: the war ain't over. Oh sure, Lee surrendered to Grant and we had to let all the darkies go, but that don't mean we ever gave up on those classic southern values of bigotry, backwardness and belligerency. Heck, just ask Eric Cantor.

The events include a “secession ball” in the former slave port of Charleston (“a joyous night of music, dancing, food and drink,” says the invitation), which will be replicated on a smaller scale in other cities. A parade is being planned in Montgomery, Ala., along with a mock swearing-in of Jefferson Davis as president of the Confederacy.

We should point out that the "Session Ball" will be a black tie affair. Umm...black tie, and white face if you get our drift. Also, the role of Jefferson Davis will be played by Rush Limbaugh with Glen Beck representing General Robert E Lee because he already has a Confederate General's uniform.

In addition, the Sons of Confederate Veterans and some of its local chapters are preparing various television commercials that they hope to show next year. “All we wanted was to be left alone to govern ourselves,” says one ad from the group’s Georgia Division.

 Right on Billy Bob. See, that's another thing all Y'all Yankees don't understand. We like the states part of the United States, but not the United part. Point being that outside of NASCAR we're not really comfortable with anything invented after about 1850. Well, maybe air conditioning. And pork rinds. We really like pork rinds, but that's about it, so we'd really prefer it if you'd just leave us out of this whole modern life thing and let us get back to raising cotton and moonshine. Oh, and we'd like the slaves back too.

“We in the South, who have been kicked around for an awfully long time and are accused of being racist, we would just like the truth to be known,” said Michael Givens, commander-in-chief of the Sons, explaining the reason for the television ads. While there were many causes of the war, he said, “our people were only fighting to protect themselves from an invasion and for their independence.”

 Oh, tell it brother Cletus. "Our people" were also fighting to make sure "those people" didn't get too, well, independent if you catch our meaning.

Commemorating the Civil War has never been easy. The centennial 50 years ago coincided with the civil rights movement, and most of the South was still effectively segregated, making a mockery of any notion that the slaves had truly become free and equal.

In our defense we have to say the slaves becoming free and equal has never been a reason for celebrating down here.

The proclamation was urged on by the Sons of Confederate Veterans, which asserts that the Confederacy was a crusade for small government and states’ rights. The sesquicentennial, which coincides now with the rise of the Tea Party movement, is providing a new chance for adherents to promote that view.

 Yeah, and we'd get away with it too if you'd quit bringing up Mississippi's secession papers. Particularly the part that said slavery was “the greatest material interest of the world” and said that attempts to stop it would undermine “commerce and civilization.” Danged liberal press.

Jeff Antley, a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans and the Confederate Heritage Trust, said he was not defending slavery, which he called an abomination. “But defending the South’s right to secede, the soldiers’ right to defend their homes and the right to self-government doesn’t mean your arguments are without weight because of slavery,” he said."Course if it wasn't for wanting to keep the slaves we'd a never had to do any of that, but I think that's a minor point here."

James W. Loewen, a liberal sociologist and author of “Lies My Teacher Told Me,” put it: “The North did not go to war to end slavery, it went to war to hold the country together and only gradually did it become anti-slavery — but slavery is why the South seceded.”

That's why we started seceding,"  Mr. Antley said. "We ain't done yet."

Or It Could Just Mean They Want To Talk You To Death

We're coming to you today from the Department of Lexical Precision here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoLP is a division of the Noah Webster Slept Here Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of The King's English, NA.

Now, generally we refrain from commenting on christians' interpretive skills, assuming that anyone who can get a consistent story out of a book that contradicts itself on the most fundamental tenets of its belief system has got to be operating with some...erm...deficiencies. We usually let it pass without mentioning that it's pretty danged convenient how god always seems to want them to hate people they don't like anyway, except when those people happen to be the people you're supposed to send your money to and in fact it's even more important that you send your money to these people so the fight against secular humanism and situational ethics can continue to be fought. We're not monkeys. Also. Too.

Still, we find this latest little bit of linguistic prestidigitation to be a bit over the line though, even for those so logically challenged they think sending their money to a guy who has a private jet and tells them that's the way god wants them to get rich is a good idea. Dude. The guys' name is Creflo DOLLAR!! Hello??!? Is any of this getting through?

Well, back to our story. It seems god doesn't want to let any act of tolerance go unpunished (see second paragraph) and so in response to The Day of Silence, an event organized to protest the bullying and harassment faced by gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered students all over America, a Day of Truth was created "to counter the promotion of the homosexual agenda and express an opposing viewpoint from a Christian perspective." OK, so the the "truth" is bullies and harassers are doing god's work? Also, didn't know tolerance was just a part of the homosexual agenda, what with Jesus saying love one another and all. Wait. Jesus never married. Hung around with a bunch of guys, didn't like sports. Yeah. Certainly explains Pastor Giles.

But the "truth" will set you free and it did just that for a lot of gay kids. Set them right free from their lives that is, and maybe god got a little tired of all those little heathens showing up at the pearly gates because they'd been truthed right into killing themselves, so he told his homies to back off.

Apparently James Dobson (yes that James Dobson) didn't get the memo though because he picked up the day and changed it's name to Day of Dialogue. "We're trying to raise awareness that more than one side needs to be heard on the issue of homosexuality, and we're helping to ensure Christian students have the chance to listen to our viewpoint that queers are icky and the really manly thing to do it beat the snot out of them every chance you get," Focus on the Family education analyst Candi Cushman said in a news release."But only with the utmost christian love in your heart," she added.

OK so is this how "Dialogue" goes?

Icky queer: "Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, fairness and tolerance regardless of their ethnic background, religion, sexual preference, or gender." 

Dialoguing Christian: Die icky queer, die. Burn in hell and take your homosexual agenda with you."

Hmm...It occurs to us that this is not exactly Platonic in its construct. 

Gary Schneeberger, Vice President of Communications for Focus on the Family stressed that Focus on the Family has a "100% zero tolerance for bullying" over sexual orientation or anything else. He said The Day of Dialogue aims to "ensure that Christian students feel comfortable having the opportunity to bring our view of god's design for sexuality. Well, except that we don't want christian kids feeling comfortable about sex and especially not talking about sex. Don't ask, don't tell, that's our position."

Yeah, and if your definition of bullying is anything like your definition of dialogue the gay kids will keep being "dialogued" right into the emergency room. And that's the truth.

Friday Hound Blogging (Saturday Edition)

Oops. Heh heh, well look at the time will you? Seems like only yesterday it was Friday. Oh wait, it was Friday yesterday. And where was Friday Hound Blogging you ask? Good question. Wish we had a good answer, but hey, FHB Saturday Edition is one of the time honored traditions here in the marbled halls of IM Central which means we used it as an excuse the last time we failed at the one singular attempt by this blog to have even the slightest scintilla of socially redeeming value.

But enough about us. You're here because your brother in law isn't back from the beer run yet...er...we mean because if you have to hear Uncle Bill tell the story about how he saw Angelina Jolie in the airport one more time you're going to stick your head in the oven...no? Well, no matter. You think you're having a bad day? Try being one of the overlords.  All over the country laws are being passed that, if one were so inclined, one might assume meant that no one wanted the overlords around anymore. Take Tucson for example.

In 2008, the voters of South Tucson passed a measure aimed at improving the treatment of greyhounds at the track. Among other things, the Tucson Dog Protection Act forbids the dosing of female greyhounds with anabolic steroids, which contain hormones to keep them from going into heat.

Whoa. Now that's a pretty forward looking ordinance. The good people of Tucson are on to you overlords. Going to have to clean up your act or the civil authorities will just cold shut your animal exploiting buttocks down.

For nearly two years, the track has been breaking the law. And for at least one of those years, South Tucson city officials have known this, and have done nothing about it.

Boo Ya! How you like us now Mr. We Care About The Dogs Like They Were Family Except When We Kill Them For Being Slow? Not so much fun to abuse living creatures now is it? Not when you got John Law camped out on your doorstep. Not when...wait. Say that again.

For nearly two years, the track has been breaking the law. And for at least one of those years, South Tucson city officials have known this, and have done nothing about it.

 Umm...are we missing something? Let's see. Voters elect city officials to administer governmental offices which includes seeing that laws and ordinances are adhered to. Voters pass ordinance that says no giving greyhounds steroids. City officials do the job they were elected by voters to do. Nope think we got it.

It now appears that track officials never intended to comply with the new law. "This letter is to inform you that I will be providing testosterone shots at Tucson Greyhound Park," Dr. Joe Robinson wrote in a Jan. 12, 2009, letter to the Arizona State Veterinary Medical Examining Board. In an interview the following October, Robinson said he had no plans to refrain from providing steroid injections. "It's licensed under the state of Arizona," he told me, "and I'm doing what I'm licensed to do."

Oh, well there's the problem. Tucson isn't in Arizona. OK, our bad.

Throughout this time, city officials have done nothing to stop the apparent flouting of the voter-approved steroid ordinance. When Robinson's actions were first uncovered by the Tucson Weekly last year, South Tucson city manager Enrique Serna cited his community's over-stretched resources as one reason for not taking action. He also questioned whether the law was actually being broken. "I'm hearing all kinds of different things legally," he said.

Yeah, well that's going to happen when you get your legal advice from the guy at the MacDonalds Drive Through.

City Manager Serna suggests that's about to change, given Robinson's defiant admissions to the veterinary board. "If, in fact, it boils down to him flagrantly violating the ordinance and administering steroids, I'll ask the city attorney to take appropriate action," Serna says.

 Uh, sir? Mr. Serna? That's already happened. We mean, dude sent a letter for chrissakes! Basically said IN YOUR FACE BITCHEZ!!What else do you want him to do? Come to your house and inject a greyhound on your porch? Man. Some people, huh Jimbo?

Jimbo is another in the growing wave of refugees coming off the tracks at the industry gasps its last. We don't know much about him except that he is four years old and raced at Ebro. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Hey, let's do some triple H. Frequent readers of this blog who remember their parents admonition to keep their noses to the grindstone are now unable to stop and smell the roses...erm...we mean remember HHH is a regular feature of this blog whenever it occurs to us, in which we take some extra time out of our busy day looking for Stoli infused turkey recipes to feature some skinny dogs looking for couches.

But first, a word from our sponsor:

Officials responding to a complaint about a putrid smell at Florida's Ebro Greyhound Park recently found the bodies of 37 dead and decomposing dogs who had apparently starved to death -- as well as five more dogs who were near death. Some of the dogs had duct tape wrapped around their necks. It appears that the owner had intentionally left the greyhounds to die when the racing season ended.

Oh, there you go again. You're going to make a big deal out of this aren't you? Look, every organization has a few bad apples. That's why we have such a strong internal policing apparatus, to make sure these are just isolated incidents.

The worst part of this story is that it's not an isolated incident.

Now just you wait a gol durned minute there you tree hugging, Birkenstock wearing animal rights wacko. You've been told how much the overlords care for the units...er...dogs. It's even been demonstrated to you using geometric logic and mathematical mathematics.  How many times and in how many ways do the overlords have to tell you that these dogs are living the life of Riley here before you believe what they say?

A few years ago, the bodies of 10,000 greyhounds were uncovered in a U.K. field. The "slow" but otherwise healthy dogs had been killed with a bolt gun.

 Oops. Heh heh. Well look, that's England. Those people haven't been right since the Revolutionary War. We mean, come on, they went to war with Argentina over an island that had more penguins than people, what do you expect? Nothing like that would ever happen over here in the good old U S of A.

After 3,000 dead greyhounds were found in a backyard pit on his property, a security guard at a Florida track admitted that he had made money for 40 years by shooting injured or aging dogs.

Oh, now hey, that's not fair. Three thousand is a lot less than 10,000. You want to make the overlords look bad don't you?

And at least 140 greyhounds were presumed dead after they disappeared while in the custody of a man who had been paid to haul "losers" to greyhound adoption groups. The dogs were never accounted for and were believed to have been left in the Arizona desert.

Well the key word there is "presumed" isn't it? See? The slightest inconsistency and you're ready to assume the worst. Besides, the industry conducted an extensive investigation into the dogs' disappearance. They asked the dude what happened. He said "Dunno. Coulda been alien abduction." There you go. Case closed.

Although they are extremely sensitive to temperature because of their lack of body fat and their thin coats, greyhounds are forced to race in extreme conditions -- ranging from subzero temperatures to sweltering heat. Trainers have been found doping greyhounds with cocaine and other drugs to mask injuries or to get them to run faster.

See now that's just some irresponsible journalism right there. Everyone knows the overlords dope themselves a lot more than they dope the dogs.

Greyhounds face many risks from which they have no defence. An employee at Connecticut's Shoreline Star track used fishing line to tie a dog's tail to the starting shoot before a race as a "joke." The dog's tail was ripped off when he began running.

Humor. It's such a personal thing isn't it? We mean, one man's belly buster is another's staring in disbelief, mouth agape.

During one three-year span, almost 500 greyhounds were seriously injured while racing on Massachusetts tracks alone.

Oh you're really grasping at straws now. Massachusetts outlawed greyhound racing months ago and you're still blaming us for that? Where does a guy go to get some fair treatment around here, huh  Sport?

Sport is very active, curious, inquisitive, affectionate, and happy. He wags his tail a lot and gives kisses to everyone, including the other dogs. He will lie on his side and give you the come hither look to get your attention. He prances when walks. Sport is living up to his name and is not a typical couch potato grey. He loves to go outside and is always ready when you ask him. Sport would do well in a working family home. He is good with well-mannered children, 5 and up and other dogs. He would probably be fine as an only dog. Because he loves to spend time outside in the yard, he would do best in a home with a fenced yard. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Lions And Tigers And Mosques Oh My!

People make a lot of fun of the Tea Baggers, OK we make a lot of fun of the Tea Baggers, but as professional education technologists we're only pointing out examples of invented spelling, which is a perfectly legitimate stage in the development of linguistically competent speakers and writers. It's just that most people grow out of it by second grade. Come to think of it, that explains a lot of their political positions too.

Where were we? Oh yeah, Tea Baggers, or as they like to be called, Social Security recipients who never took a dime from the government and resent the heck outta that darkie muslin feller trying to send them off to FEMA camps without their Hoverounds. No guns. Also. Too.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. John Q Citizen you're about to laugh out the other side of your mouth now and quit laughing because while you've been out doing things like working for a living, the Tea Baggers have been manning (yeah, manning. you got a problem with that?) the watchtowers of democracy and like watch geese, like canaries in the coal mine, like rats when the ship starts to sink...OK forget that one. The point is their vigilance has paid off because they've identified the islamofascist fifth column right here in our very own United States Of America.

People behind a new church in Phoenix are trying to stay ahead of any potential controversy or hate that accompanied the announcement of a proposed mosque near Ground Zero in New York City.

Oh you can try Abdul, but we got eyes on your falafel loving buttocks and you're not about to put anything over on old Uncle Sam while there's juice in the Amigo battery.

Since the distinctive dome shape went up, church leaders said they have received phone calls from concerned neighbors who've mistaken the building for an Islamic mosque.

Ring Ring!

Pastor: Hello?

Caller: Yeah. You the folks buildin' that church out by the innerstate?

Pastor: Yes sir. The Light of the World church.

Caller: Yeah. You ain't none them A rabs er ya? We don't want none o them moosks here in Arizona.

Pastor: Many churches have domes sir. Greek and Roman Orthodox, the Basilica of St. Peters in the Vatican....

Caller: Vatican? You fish eaters?

Pastor: No sir. We're nondenominational.

Caller: What's that? Like Presbyterian or something?

Pastor: Or something.

Church officials hung a sign reminding people they're Christian congregation. "We're trying to let people know that we're Christian and our churches are modern," said Uzieo Martinez.

 Martinez? This some sort of church for illegal aliens? Bertha! Charge up the Rascal!

Friday Hound Blogging

Every once in a while we read stories by a professional journalistic reporters and we think, did some freak sunspot break the rhetorical bonds between subject and object? Did the humble scribe mistakenly hit the "scramble" key when she mean to hit save. Is there a lax drinking at work policy at The Dogs.com?

Greyhound Racing NSW Stewards have concluded their inquiries into a report received from GBOTA employee Mr Richard Abarcherli alleging the use of a live animal in the catching pen of the Wentworth Park greyhound track after the conduct of the trials...

OK, so far no big deal. Overlord throws a living rabbit into a pen full of greyhounds. Happens all the time. We mean, these are highly trained athletes. How else you gonna get them to chase  a lure unless you let them kill and dismember another living creature from time to time? Gotta keep your edge, you know? Besides, the rabbits don't really suffer. Well, after ten or twenty minutes or so.

Mr Abarcherli alleged the use by Mr Bell of a rabbit released from a box as a lure for two greyhounds handled by Mr Bell and Mr White at the conclusion of a trial. Mr Bell argued that the rabbit used was procured from a person off the track and was deceased upon purchase, tethered and placed in the box as a normal educational practice for the greyhounds.

Oh yeah, you bought a dead rabbit. What do you think this is? A Monty Python skit?

Having regard to the serious nature of the alleged offence Stewards felt that the standard of evidence did not reach the level whereby a charge under the Rules of Greyhound Racing could be sustained.

Now, as professional educational technicians, we have to tell you if that sentence construction were anymore passive it'd make Huckleberry Hound look like Brian. And the "standard of evidence did not reach the level...?" The rabbit was alive, and then it was dead. Are we missing some nuance in the law here?

Prosecutor: "Your honor, the rabbit was found dead in the pen tied to a stake. Why tie a dead rabbit to a stake? We would have done an autopsy but parts were scattered all over the yard."

Defense: "Your Honor, we have it on good authority that the alleged rabbit was despondent over the collapse of his marriage and may very well have entered the pen willingly and against the wishes of my client."

Prosecutor: "Objection your Honor. The rabbit had everything to live for. He had just signed a long term contract to provide Easter Bunny Services to the biggest mall in the area."

Judge: Gentleman, this is truly a conundrum. I doubt we'll ever get to the bottom of it. Case dismissed. Now, who wants pie?"

Mr Bell was ruled to have no charge to answer. He was reminded however to acquaint himself with the rules regarding lures used at various tracks as it was alleged that he had been in breach of the recommendations for lure presentation at Wentworth Park at that time.

Wait, this was a procedural case? You mean there are some tracks where it's OK to throw a live rabbit to the dogs? Mr. Bell just violated protocol? What, he didn't give the rabbit a sennibari before he tied it in the pen? Didn't teach the rabbit to squeak Ave, Imperator, morituri te salutan first? Are we missing something here?

Well, on the bright side, since we already know the overlords don't care a wit for the welfare of the dogs at least it's comforting to know that there's an innocent living creature that they care even less about. Got to take your victories where you find then, huh Molly?

Like Busy Bee, Molly is fresh off the track and we don't know a lot about her other than she's two years old seems to tolerate cats. The dogs are coming off faster and faster now as the industry enters its final death spiral and it taxes the resources of all those people out there who have souls. If you can help, we'd all appreciate it--particularly the dogs, whose lives you would be saving. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

In Which Ironicus Admits To Befuddlement

OK we're a little confused. If the last election was (yet another ) election about change, then what kind of change are we looking for? To wit:

We accept being groped by minimum wage GED recipients at the airport, yet we are up in arms over loud snack packages.

We are fine with 10% of the population sucking 90% of the wealth out of the country, but we get upset if someone tries to encourage people to use less destructive and expensive modes of transportation.

We go along with having our houses repossessed on a whim, and even given back to us and repossessed again, but we hit the barricades if someone tries to vote off a mediocre dancer from a  TV show.

We tell all the pollsters we want politicians who look out for the little guy then elect politicians who don't have a problem with putting families in the street.

We stop our racist attacks on the president only long enough to say they aren't racist.

We allow Glen Beck out in public.

Now, we'd be the first to admit that we don't always attend to the nuances of our fellow citizens' arguments, nor are we adept at cogitating out the minutiae of complex policies, but given that caveat we still have to say America, WTF?

Louisiana! Motto: Ain't No Monkeys In The Bible

You know, we think the folks in Louisiana might be on to something. We mean, you look around the average classroom today and what do you see? Bored students. Now some might think this is because of a curriculum disconnected from anything that has meaning in their lives; over emphasis on discrete recall high stakes tests, and the current pedagogical assumption that students are all identical empty vessels onto which educational technicians attach information as they roll down the educorporate assembly line.

Nope. That's not it. See the deep thinkers in Louisiana have figured out that when a student opens a math book, what do they see? Math. Open a history book, get history. Bore. Ing. So what they'd like to do is make it so when students open a science book they get...Jesus!

Cement headed religious busy bodies contend some biology I, biology II and other school books under scrutiny  for public classrooms put too much credence in Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution. "Well of course since science books are written by scientists they're going to have a bias," said Winston White, of Baton Rouge. "all that experiment this and data that makes it tough for those of us home schooled all the way to the sixth grade to get some of that, what did you call it? Credence stuff. Yeah. Give us our credence too. This is America and we've got as much right to credence as that Darwin feller."

“It is like Charles Darwin and his theory is a saint,” said White, who apparently didn't learn evolutionary theory or verb subject agreement. "What about our saints? Don't they deserve equal time?"

Darrell White, who is the father of Winston White and is  co-founder of the Louisiana Family Forum, said the proposed biology textbooks he reviewed fail to meet the thinly veiled attempts at pushing religion into public school classrooms spelled out in a 2009 law aimed at confusing classroom talks on the theory of evolution. "The Louisiana legislature said it was OK for us to take this state back to the 1800's so that we could adequately prepare our young people to live in the 21st century." he told reporters. "All we're saying is let's get started."

“If this was a beauty contest, we have got all ugly contestants in these biology textbooks,” White said.

OK, let's see if we've got this straight We shouldn't learn about evolution because Darwin is a saint. An ugly saint. Now, he might have something there. After all, if they canonized Scarlett Johansson we'd pretty much believe anything she told us even if she wasn't canonized, but that's probably why no one ever asks us to be on textbook approval committees.

In written comments to state officials, David Mathers, of West Monroe, said he would “like to see intelligent design explained as an alternate theory to the theory of evolution. I'd also like to see donkeys fly, democrats stand up for their beliefs and the Cubs win the pennant.”

Now, see it's that explaining that is really a drawback for us," White said. "Once you get past 'because the bible says so' we really don't have much."

We feel your pain Mr. White. What if you got Scarlett Johansson to say because the bible says so?

When He Said He'd Fight For Affordable Healthcare He Didn't Say For Who

Well, that didn't take long.

Maryland physician Andy Harris (R) just soundly defeated Frank Kratovil, one of the most endangered Democrats on Capitol Hill going into the November election. And he did it in large part by railing against 'Obamacare' and pledging to repeal Health Care Reform. But when he showed on Capitol Hill today for an orientation for incoming members of Congress and their staffs, he had a different question: Where's my government health care?

"What? You think I took this job for the salary?" he asked when confronted by reporters.

Harris created a stir at the orientation meeting by demanding to know why he had to wait a month after he was sworn in in January for his government-subsidized health care to kick in."Hey, I got a pre-existing condition," Harris said. "Insurance companies won't touch me."

After responding in a huff, he even asked if there was some way he could buy into the government care in advance, seemingly thinking there might be a government program similar to the so-called 'public option' championed by progressive Democrats in 2009.

"Well, the thing I didn't like about the public option was that it was, you know, 'public' if you get my drift."

During the campaign, Harris told voters, "the answer to the ever-rising cost of insurance is not the expansion of government-run or government-mandated insurance but, instead, common-sense market based solutions that ensure decisions are made by patients and their doctors."

 Well, in representative Harris' defense he's not asking for an 'expansion' of government insurance," an aide told reporters. "I mean, no matter who got elected they were going to get government health care, right? Besides, what 'free market' about a public option? Public means everybody whether you deserve...I mean whether the insurance companies can afford you or not. No, that's not it. Let me get back to you."