Is That Your Belly Poking Out Under That Shirt, Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

We're coming to you today from the Physical Education and Muscle Culture Center here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Now, admittedly since our college days we have collected some...er...body mass, although we have to say on us it simply adds to our aura of gravitas. Sort of gives weight to our presence if you get our meaning. Still, we're down here working on our pecs, gluts and abs anyway as we have just been informed that the cause of all the problems in this sad and dystopic world have been finally identified, clarified and localized:

Fat people.

And all this time we thought it was islamofacistcommieninjashadowwarriors who were so lithe and slim they could come in the night on the breeze and steal our women, plus raise the price of gasoline without even disturbing the dyspeptic clerk, nodding into his big gulp behind the counter.

Nope. Fat people.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger School of Hygiene and Pilates used geometric logic and advanced statistical Magic Eight Balls to calculate the obese consume 18% more calories than average due to the fact that they are, like, bigger than people who are not obese. They are also responsible for using more fuel to haul their lard butts, and beer bellies down to the MacDonalds, which has an environmental impact because we have to wait at the drive up window while a fresh batch of fries is made after they clean the place out (engine idling by the way).

They also drive up food prices--well, except for vegetables because everyone knows fat people don't eat vegetables--as transport and agriculture both use oil. Well, truth be told, the manufacture of cosmetics uses a lot of oil too, but this is about fat people, not beautiful people.

The result is that the poor struggle to afford food and that's why all poor people are fat amen, the end, reported the Lancet.

The team found that obese people require 1,680 daily calories to get themselves down to the Baskin Robbins for a Candy Rush Sundae and another 1,280 to get home - a fifth more than normal. "Don't these people know about delivery?" asked Phil Edwards, who co-authored the article.

What is more, the researchers said obese people are likely to rely on transport more and put more strain on that transport because of their mass, which again drives up prices and usage. "Have you seen what happens to a set of shocks on an Escalade after about 1000 miles of hauling around a 300 pounder?" asked Dr David Haslam, of the National Obesity Forum. "It ain't pretty."

"Really, it is discriminatory towards obese people. They are an easy target at the moment, but I think the causes of climate change and rising food prices is much more complex," he added.

Right. You left out the impact of atheists who stay at home on Sundays watching TV and thus drive up the cost of electricity for good, god fearing folk.

A Public Service Announcement From Ironicus Maximus

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Straight talking Maverick no nonsense guy and presidential candidate as long as his wife's money holds out, John McCain...

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, when it rains it pours, or if you're an overlord, when it rains someone usually comes and tells you to come inside. Last week we told you about the string of owies that have come upside the collective heads of our favorite group of animal exploiters.

This week the hits just keep on coming.

The Iowa Court of Appeals sided with a state commission's decision not to reissue a racing license for a defunct greyhound park in Waterloo. You may recall we have visited this particular group of overlords before. These are the folks who were upset with the state gaming commission because it wouldn't allow them to open a failed track, again. As NCC Board President Wally Mochal said at the time, "That's not their entitlement. This is America and if you can't be stupid here, where can you be stupid?"

Now, it turns out the real issue is that Mr. Mochal's group really wants the state to let them use the old license so they don't have to pay the fee for a new one. "Do you know what that fee costs?" Mochal asked. "It's more than the track would make in a year and I'm not about to live on catfood. Again."

See, Mr. Mochal, your problem is you're not diversified. You have all your eggs in the racing basket. You need to look at other markets, like the folks in Florida.

A dispute over profits from off-track wagering is standing in the way of Floridians being able to bet on Saturday’s Preakness Stakes, the second leg of horse racing’s Triple Crown. Robert Christmas, assistant general manager of the Melbourne Greyhound Park, located at 100 North Wickham road, is caught in the middle. “It does hurt us,” Christmas said. “The crowds that we would get from the people coming in to play this race and the overall activity is an impact against our facility.”

Oops. Bad example. Well look, maybe if you promised to improve your care for the dogs like they do in England.

The largest breeder of greyhounds in Britain is offering to sell healthy young dogs to be killed and dissected for research, an investigation has found.

All righty then. We're running out of suggestions. You got any ideas Joey?

Mojo AKA Joey is happy and playful. He enjoys playing outside when the weather is nice. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Joey would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

After He Got Done Here, Did Jesus Have To Go To Alpha Centauri?

We're coming to you today from the basement here in, or actually below, the marbled halls of IM Central. We're just outside agent Mulder's office. OK, really we're just standing next to the furnace, but we wanted to make a neat lead in to the question of the day: Does the Vatican have an X-Files Section?

The Pope's chief astronomer says that life on Mars cannot be ruled out despite the fact that NASA has rovers crawling all over the planet which have so far not stumbled across any cities, or even the odd, isolated mini-mall. "Did I say Mars," the astronomer Father Gabriel Funes said. "I meant Vulcan." Writing in the Vatican newspaper, Funes, said intelligent beings created by God could exist in outer space. "Well, not in outer space per se," he added. "They'd probably, like have to be on a planet or an asteroid or something. Unless, of course it was the Crystal Entity who is most probably Baptist."

Hmm...that could explain John Hagee.

Father Funes, director of the Vatican Observatory and Blessed Virgin Mary gift shop near Rome (John the Baptist bobbleheads, half off!) said the search for forms of extraterrestrial life does not contradict belief in God. "Now if we were to find some, that'd be a different story," he added. "Especially if they were Klingons. My feeling is 'love thy neighbor' is not part of their theology."

Just as there are multiple forms of life on earth, so there could exist intelligent beings in outer space created by God. And some aliens could even be free from original sin, he speculated.

Well, not so fast there monsignor. You better think this through a little. Why do we need a church? Because Eve ate that apple and gave us all original sin which only the church can remove through baptism. No original sin, no baptism, no church. You have to go to work for a living. Not much call in the business world these days for old men in funny hats who speak dead languages.

Asked about the Catholic Church's condemnation four centuries ago of the Italian astronomer and physicist, Galileo, Father Funes said mistakes were made, but "look, that was 400 years ago. Are you still going to be ragging on us about the church sex scandal in 2408?"

Science and religion need each other, he assured readers. When asked to explain why science needed religion, Father Funes responded that it was important scientists didn't get "too big of heads because they can explain all that natural phenomenon stuff. They need to know we're going to be on them like Dobson on Proctor and Gamble if they get too close to making us irrelevant."

So What? Our Mommas Probably Wouldn't Vote For Us Anyway

OK, look America, it's time you woke up. There's a war going on, several actually, but the bottom line is the enemy is at our throats. If by at our throats you mean hiding in caves in Pakistan, but that's not our point. Our point is that during war certain sacrifices have to be made. No we're not talking about actually paying for the war ourselves instead of pushing it onto our children, or worse yet, instituting a draft that really pushes it on to our children. Well, not that the real burden isn't being mostly born by our children now, but it's not like the ones bearing it are the important children, you know. We mean, some children have more potential than others and it's just in our best interests as a nation not to let those children lose body parts indiscriminately.

But we digress. See, it's not only young republicans who have to bear the burden of being nice and safe at home while the military slowly bleeds itself to death, now we must come to another group that must make the ultimate sacrifice. Another group of citizens who must be called upon by congress to step up and take one for the nation. No, we're not talking about SUV and Minivan drivers being asked buy more car magnets, we're not talking about democrats stepping in and putting an end to this travesty with an incredible act of bravery and conscience, we're talking about mothers.

The House had just voted, 412 to 0, to pass H. Res. 1113, "Celebrating the role of mothers in the United States and supporting the goals and ideals of Mother's Day," when Representative Todd Tiahrt (R-Thankless Brat), rose in protest. "Mr. Speaker, I move to reconsider the vote," he announced. "Because I am a flaming idiot and I'd like to make a complete fool of myself. I'd also like the record to show that I don't know how to address the Speaker if she's a woman." Representative Kathy Castor (D-Fla.), who has two young daughters, moved to send Tiahrt to the time out room and make him write 'I will call Representative Pelosi Madame Speaker' 100 times, setting up a revote. This time, 178 Republicans cast their votes against mothers. "Well, not all mothers," Tiahrt said. Just some mothers."

Republicans are now confronted with a John Kerry-esque predicament: They actually voted for motherhood before they voted against it. "Hey, the more you look into this 'mother' thing, the more sinister it becomes," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. "Did you know terrorists have mothers too?"

Later, Representative Tiahrt's mother issued a statement indicating that he would no longer be receiving packages of her special walnut chocolate circles, raspberry almond turnovers, or cinnamon maple cookie rings while in Washington, and there was the distinct possibility that at her next bridge club meeting she might let it slip that he wet the bed until he was 12.

Missouri! Motto: If You Want To Vote, That Better Be A Sun Tan

Time for another Ironicus Maximus political science lesson. Today's topic: Majority rule. If you were awake in Civics class that day, you learned that in a democracy 50% plus one vote is the line which a particular candidate must cross in order to be given the reigns of power, at least until the next election.

Today, for your continued edification we address the the question when is a majority just six drunk bubbas on the back porch? Answer: When you're in Missouri.

The battle over voting rights will expand this week as lawmakers in Missouri are expected to support a proposed constitutional amendment to enable election officials to require proof of citizenship from anyone registering to vote. "This isn't just show us your birth certificate" said State Representative Stanley Cox, a Republican and the sponsor of the amendment. "We're talking about bringing your mom and dad to the polling place with you and showing us their birth certificates. Oh, and you have to know who won the world series in 1956 too. Well, unless you're white. Then you get an exemption."

In Arizona, the only state that requires proof of citizenship to register to vote if you're brown, more than 38,000 voter registration applications have been thrown out since the state adopted its measure in 2004. "Hey look, if your last name is 'Gomez' do you really expect us just to take your word for it that you're a citizen," said one Arizona Republican lawmaker.

More than 70 percent of those registrations came from people who stated under oath that they were born in the United States, the data showed. "Swearing under oath doesn't get it," the lawmaker said. "Most of them Mexicans is catholic."

Supporters of voter suppression measures cite growing concerns that illegal immigrants will try to vote. They say proof of citizenship measures are an important way to improve the accuracy of registration rolls and the overall white voter confidence that they still control the process.

“The requirements we have right now are totally inadequate,” Mr. Cox said. “You can present a utility bill, and that doesn’t prove anything. Well, it proves you pay your utility bill, which probably means you have a job, which means you pay taxes. None of which should qualify you to vote."

From October 2002 to September 2005, the Justice Department indicted 40 voters for registration fraud or illegal voting, 21 of whom were noncitizens, according to department records. "What clearer evidence is necessary that our way of life is in danger?" Cox said. "Should we wait for a mushroom cloud over the voting booth?"

Lillie Lewis, a voter who lives in St. Louis and spoke at a news conference last week organized to oppose the amendment, said she already had a difficult time trying to get a photo ID from the state, which asked her for a birth certificate. Ms. Lewis, who was born in Mississippi and said she was 78 years old, said officials of that state sent her a letter stating that they had no record of her birth. “That’s downright wrong,” Ms. Lewis said. “I have voted in almost all of the presidential races going back I can’t remember how long, but if they tell me I need a passport or birth certificate that’ll be the end of that.”

"I don't know where Mrs. Lewis gets this inflated sense of entitlement," Cox said. "She ought to remember that it wasn't that long ago women couldn't vote at all, whether they had a birth certificate or not. Could happen again. Not saying it will, just that it could."

A 2006 federal rule intended to keep illegal immigrants from receiving Medicaid was widely criticized by state officials for shutting out tens of thousands of United States citizens who were unable to find birth certificates or other documents proving their citizenship. "Well, by now those people are too sick to make it to the polls anyway, so what's the problem?" said Thor Hearne, a lawyer for the American Center for Voting Rights, a conservative advocacy group.

“To those who have spent great energy opposing some of the voter registration or voter identification requirements, I would say their energy would be much better spent working toward trying to bounce those beaners back to where they came from,” Mr. Hearne said.

“The requirement is having a devastating effect on our voter registration work in Latino communities because so many citizens simply haven't been born white,” said Michael Slater, deputy director of Project Vote, a liberal advocacy group that is working with Acorn, a national organizing group, to sign up new voters in Arizona.

But Arizona officials say the measure is broadly popular in the state. “The white voters of Arizona feel strongly about proof of citizenship when registering to vote as a basic eligibility requirement that we totally made up,” said the secretary of state, Jan Brewer, a Republican. "Look, we don't mind if they watch our kids, or tend our gardens, but we dang sure don't want them electing our leaders, know what I'm saying?" he added.

Friday Hound Blogging

Boo Yah!! The overlords get all up in those animal rights whackos faces! How you like us now biotch?

Supporters of the Greyhound Protection Act were dealt a minor blow after a House of Representatives panel voted 9-1 against a proposal aimed at banning greyhound racing.

"Minor blow?" "Minor?" Was Hiroshima "minor?" Was Saddam dealt a "Minor blow?" Did the Penguins deal the Ottawa Senators a "minor blow?" Who are the Ottawa Senators anyway? Well, never mind. The point is the overlords have got all up on the anti-racing people and opened a big old can o' whupass.

The ballot vote could have been sidestepped if legislators supported the measure and voted it into law, Carey Theil, senior adviser to the Committee to Protect Dogs said. Now the group must collect 11,099 signatures, in addition to the more than 100,000 already gathered, to move the initiative to the November ballot.

Hmm...another 11,000 signatures after you've already collected over 100,000. OK, maybe that's not such a big deal. What do you think Mr. Carney?

George L. Carney Jr., owner of the Raynham Taunton Greyhound Park, contends the Greyhound Protection Act is unconstitutional because the ballot is restricted to questions that affect the entire state. Carney contends the ban is not a statewide measure as it applies only to his track in Raynham and Wonderland Greyhound Park in Revere. "Look, most people with IQ's above that of fly paper have already decided exploiting animals for a few bucks is not a valid career path," Careny said. "Why pick on those of us who are mentally deficient, or have bad dental care?"

Right on Mr. C. Besides it's not like other states are trying to ban greyhound exploi...er...racing, right Susan Via, a former U.S. attorney?

A proposed ballot initiative for November could slow down racing at Tucson Greyhound Park.

Tucson Dog Protection, a newly formed animal welfare group that is critical of the racing industry's handling of greyhounds, is pushing a ballot measure to dramatically alter animal treatment.

Oh. Well, all righty then. At least the states are still willing to prop up the overlrods by letting them add slots because no one comes to see the dogs exploi...er...competing anymore, right Mr. Rooney?

As prospects for expanded gambling sputtered in the Florida Legislature, the owners of the Palm Beach Kennel Club said they'll contemplate a slots-free future for their 66-acre gambling complex at Belvedere Road and Congress Avenue.

Right. See what can happen when a forward looking legislature confronts a...wait a minute, what?

"In the coming months, my family will look at our property, assess the possibilities for its enhancement (both gaming and non-gaming) and see what we can do to maximize its potential," Patrick Rooney said. Everything from offices to homes to a flea market could be on the table, Rooney wrote in an e-mail. Umm...we didn't see greyhound track in there.

OK, so Florida isn't the most progressive state in the union anyway. Maybe Mr. Rooney should consider moving his operations to Kansas, right Mr. Ruffin?

The owner of Camptown Greyhound Park has ended negotiations with the Kansas Lottery that would reopen the racetrack with slot machines, the Lottery Commission said. Lottery Commission spokeswoman Sally Lunsford said Camptown owner Phil Ruffin left the bargaining table on Friday.

"Mr. Ruffin had to leave for an appointment with the personnel department at Walmart," a spokesperson for Camptown Greyhound Park told reporters.

Well, that's an ouch we'd imagine. Perhaps Mr. Ruffin should seek his fortune in Colorado. What do you think Mr. Seymour?

It appears that changes will happen at Mile High Greyhound Park this summer. In a worst-case scenario, those changes could be drastic. Speculation has been raised that the track in Commerce City might shut its doors permanently, perhaps as soon as July 1. At the very least, the track appears poised to significantly reduce its schedule.

Oh. Sorry we asked. So, is there any good news in greyhound exploi...uh...racing? Oh yeah, Moon got out. Yay Moon!

Moon is energetic and full of curiosity. He is happy, playful, and very affectionate. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Moon would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Toledo! Motto: Heck, Now Even Ohio Doesn't Want Us

We're coming to you today from the History Department here in the marbled halls if IM Central. Well, actually no we're not. We're just watching sports on the wide screen plasma, but we do get the history channel on cable.

The point is...the history point is...back in 1835 Michigan and Ohio got in a little tiff. And Michigan wasn't even a state yet, which tells you a little bit about some of our compensation issues. Anyway, WE TOTALLY KICKED OHIO'S BUCKEYED LITTLE BUTT!!1!! BOO YAH!! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS CLEVELAND? YOU WANNA DANCE?!!

We're sorry. Where were we...oh yeah, to settle the dispute we let Ohio keep Toledo and they gave us the upper peninsula which is a total smack down because keeping the upper peninsula would have made Ohio the only state ever with it's own suburb, but instead they end up with the Mudhens and we get The Mystery Spot.

OK, fast forward to now and the deal we got back in the day looks even better, if you're into, like, justice, fairness, equality and stuff like that. To wit:

I read with great interest Michael Miller's column, "Gay Rights and Wrongs."I respectfully submit a different perspective for Miller and Toledo Free Press readers to consider, namely SHOOT PEOPLE WHO ARE INFECTED WITH TEH GAYZ!!!

As a Black woman who happens to be an alumnus of the University of Toledo's Graduate School, an employee and business owner, I take great umbrage at the notion that those choosing the homosexual lifestyle are "civil rights victims." Here's why. I cannot wake up tomorrow and not be a Black woman, but if TEH GAYZ would just stop being so concerned with their wardrobe and decorating their apartments, maybe they'd find the time to go out and get drunk at a singles bar, then wake up with a stranger of the opposite sex like us heteros do. Problem solved.

Daily, thousands of homosexuals make a life decision to leave the gay lifestyle evidenced by the growing population of PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex Gays) and Exodus International just to name a few.

Umm..that would be this PFOX and this Exodus.

Frequently, the individuals report that the impetus to their change of heart and lifestyle was a transformative experience with God; other times it's after they get the living crap beat out of them for the twentieth time. Either way works for me.

My final and most important point. There is a divine order. God created human kind male and female (Genesis 1:27). God created humans with an inalienable right to choose. Some choose to violate the will of god and be born gay, others choose to be bigoted towards those people. You figure out which god wants.

And here's a final bit of ironicus for your maximus. The author of this article is an associate vice president of human relations at the University of Toledo. Yeah. Human relations. You know, making sure people get treated fairly and with respect. Hahahahaha! Have fun working there all you girlie men and...um...menly girls.

Hey. What Happens If You Push This Button? Oops. My Bad

We're coming to you from the Department of Technological Technification here in the marbled halls of IM Central today. The DoTT is located somewhere under the exploded spaghetti pot of wires running all over the place, some of which probably go to something, but all of which we are afraid to disconnect, even if it would keep most of this equipment from constantly flashing 12:00 at us.

We tell you this by way of sympathizing with president Bush who seems to be having his own set of problems dealing with 21st century data storage and transmission devices, although, to be fair our problems usually arise from Stoli being spilled on the keyboard.

The Bush administration has not found disaster recovery files for White House e-mails from a three-month time period in 2003, raising the possibility that messages sent before and after the invasion of Iraq may not be recovered until someone can figure out a way to open Cheney's man sized safe. "We think we might have lost them when the levees broke," said a White House aide. "Oh wait. Wrong disaster. Um...mice ate them?"

That period was one of the most crucial of the Bush presidency. The United States launched the invasion of Iraq on March 20, 2003, and President Bush declared the end of major combat operations on May 1. "We really don't think the president sent any e-mails during that period," said White House chief information officer, Theresa Payton. "Most of the time he was down in the map room pushing the little tanks and ships around and making war sounds."

Two federal statutes require presidential communications, including e-mails involving senior White House aides, to be preserved for the nation's historical record. "Come on now," said one White House aide. "Are you really sure you want to remember this administration?"

The White House's electronic archiving system has come under scrutiny from Democrats who allege that nearly 500 days' worth of White House e-mails from 2003 to 2005 may be missing. "I blame static electricity," said White House Press Secretart Dana Perino.

The administration said in a brief, filed with U.S. Magistrate John M. Facciola of the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia, that a court proposal to search and preserve all e-mail records on the White House network would "yield marginal benefits at best, while imposing substantial burdens and disruptions" on the government.

"Not only that, if we did happen to find them it could impose even more 'substantial burdens and disruptions' on us because our scrawny white butts might end up in the slammer," said one senior aide who asked not to be named.

Hillary Clinton! Motto: She'd Be Driving a Truck. If She Had A Truck

Voting Day! Yay! Finally we put this bad boy to bed. Or maybe not. Boo! Look. We're as patriotic as the next guy, if the next guy is Karl Marx. And speaking of economics, let's see how Hillary's gas tax holiday plan is doing.

We'll give you a moment to recover from that segue.

Ready?

Clinton is hoping to ride voter discontent about rising gas prices to victory Tuesday with her proposal for a summer gas-tax holiday, even though she is taking heat from economists who agree with Obama that it’s a "gimmick" that would give little relief to drivers while diverting money from road repair. "Hey, ignoring experts worked for George Bush," said one campaign aide. "Why shouldn't the Senator have her turn?"

Pressed during an interview to name a single economist who supported her plan, Clinton said, "I’m not going to put in my lot with economists." She dismissed critics of her plan as "elites" and said she knew the needs of working people. "You know those people who go to elite colleges and get all educated and stuff?" said the Wellesley alum and Yale Law School graduate. "Well, they don't know nuttin' about nuttin'. Now watch me do this shot."

"Who understands what you’re going through?" she asked the crowd at Indiana Tech. "People drive a lot of long distances in Indiana. I’ve driven a lot of long distances in Indiana. Of course my gas bill is paid by yokels like you who contribute to my campaign, but that's not my point."

Clinton’s highest-ranking supporter here, Senator Evan Bayh, tried to lower expectations, telling the Sun-Times that Clinton started way behind rival Barack Obama. "He has outspent her 2-1, and he has won every other state that borders Illinois. I think it’s very close. It could go either way. She's definitely going to have to bump up her boilermaker consumption if she wants to win this one."

Later, Hillary belched the national anthem at a rally in Elkhart, Indiana.

Five Star Hotel Only $50 A Night. Flak Jacket Included

We're coming to you today from the Department of Ponies and Fairy Dust here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoPFD in partnership with the president's council on economic resurgence wants you to know that even though gas prices are spiking, housing is in the tank, jobs are scarcer than lips on a snake and even if you get one, your wages are a joke; even with all that, your president has a plan to make you independently wealthy. All you have to do is become a contractor first.

Try to imagine luxury hotels, a shopping center and even condos in the heart of Baghdad. That's all part of a five-year development "dream list" — or what some dub Bush listening to the voices in his head again— to transform the U.S.-protected Green Zone from a walled fortress into a walled fortress that is the centerpiece for Baghdad's future. The $5 billion plan has the backing of the Pentagon since it's not their money and apparently the interest of some deep pockets in the world of international crime, the lead military liaison for the project told the Associated Press. "This is like full employment for contractors," the liaison said. "As soon as we build it, the jihadis will blow it up, and even if they don't, it'll be so poorly built we'll have to come in and tear it down anyway."

For Washington, the driving motivation is to create a "moat of cash" around the new $700 million U.S. Embassy to serve as a kind of alternate target area for the compound, whose total price tag will reach about $1 billion after all the workers and offices are relocated over the next year. "Well, that's metaphorical," said Navy Captain Thomas Karnowski, who led the team that created the development plan after a weekend of hashish and peyote. "It's not like we're going to dig a hole and fill it with actual dollars, although that was discussed at one point."

"When you have $1 billion hanging out there and 1,000 employees lying around, you kind of want to know who your neighbors are," Karnowski said. "Especially when most of those neighbors want to see you dead."

For the moment, however, it's mortars and rockets pouring into the Green Zone. Militants have escalated their shelling of the enclave since Iraqi forces began a crackdown on Shiite militias in late March. "Look at the bright said," Karnowski said. "Every building they blow up is one less we have to tear down for the amusement park."

"There is no sewer system, no working power system. Everything here is done on generators. No road system repair work. There are no city services other than the minimal amount we provide to get by," Karnowski said. "Of course the same can be said for most of the rest of the country, but we figure if we can make this happen the Iraqis will can come and hang out at our mall when their hovels get to hot in the summer. It's part of our hearts and minds campaign."

Security is nowhere near the level needed for major development projects. Then there is the question of whether the Iraqi government even wants U.S. involvement in developing the center of their capital. "Oh yeah. We really want the Americans to build their own little gated community right in the center of our capital city while the rest of us get by on three hours of electricity a day," said one Iraqi official who asked not to be identified.

Iraqis also complain that the Americans — because they control security in the Green Zone — essentially hold a veto over the investors. Karnowski acknowledged that American officials would vet potential investors because of a "vested interest in making sure most of this money goes back into patriotic corporations like Halliburton. We'll hire some Iraqis though, don't worry."

Karnowski is aware the Green Zone plan is viewed as unrealistic by many, primarily people with IQ's higher than sand fleas. "If you talk to people at the State Department, they still believe a hotel isn't going up. But it is a done deal," Karnowski said of the Marriott project.

Elizabeth Caminiti, a Marriott spokeswoman, declined to comment, but instead pointed her index finger at her temple and twirled it around.

Friday Hound Blogging

There is no joy in Mudville today. The mighty overlords have struck out.

The Senate defeated a proposal that would have allowed the holders of 2 inactive jai alai permits to turn their permits into greyhound racing permits. "Frying pan. Fire," said one legislator. "Why these guys don't just give it up and get a real job I'll never know."

Senator Dan Webster, R-Winter Garden, described the proposal as "disgusting, nauseating," and a waste of the Senate's time. "We need to get on to important things, like the Christian license plate. That's what the voters expect from us."

Many lawmakers, including veteran Sen. Jim King, R-Jacksonville, were surprised the measure failed since House Speaker Marco Rubio, R-West Miami, had indicated a willingness to support it. Later it was determined Rubio had been drunk at the time he made his initial announcement.

Well, that's too bad. The opportunities in greyhound racing are very attractive right now.

Pari-mutuel wagering in Florida was down in March. The state's pari-mutuel facilities reported $140.4 million in handle for the month, down 12 percent from $159.3 million a year ago.

OK, more attractive than picking tomatoes for Burger King, but hey, you go where your skills take you right Monarch?

Monarch is a really friendly dog. He really likes his foster mom; he will circle her and rub all the way around her. He’s just really affectionate with foster mom. He’s really going to be a great pet. Monarch would do best with a family that can spend a lot of time with him and he would be great as an only dog. He enjoys the company of another dog, but doesn’t need it. He would do well in a family with older, well-mannered children, 10 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hallmark Should Have A Card

Oh. Hello. Didn't see you come in. We're just finishing the decorations for Mission Accomplished Day. This is a very special day you know and we here in the marbled halls of IM Central want everything to be just right. There. What do you think?

Wonder how the war's biggest fan, John '100 years' McCain is celebrating the holiday.

Republican John McCain said President Bush should not be held responsible for the much-criticized "Mission Accomplished" banner five years ago. "Look, you know Bush didn't have anything to do with that banner. All the words were spelled right."

"So all I can tell you was that I was the strongest advocate, or one of the strongest advocates, for changing to adopt the surge," McCain told reporters. "And I think that history will judge me by the fact that I thought it was wrong."

When asked to explain what he had just said McCain responded that it wasn't necessary for him to make sense as people who were voting for him "probably didn't have a real good grasp of what was going on anyway."

After shifting explanations, the White House eventually said the "Mission Accomplished" phrase referred to the carrier's crew completing its 10-month mission, not the military completing its mission in Iraq. "It's an old Navy tradition," said a White House spokesperson. "Goes back to the French and Indian war or something."

A spokesperson for the Navy later disputed the White House account saying the ship had been experiencing trouble with its plumbing and the banner had meant to inform the crew repairs were complete and they could use the toilets on board again.

Fox News! Motto: Don't Blame Us. You're The One Watching

After Hillary challenged Obama to a debate in the style of Lincoln and Douglas, this graphic appeared on Fox News:

Um...that would be Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas, boys. You know you're in trouble when you work for an organization that boasts Bill O'Reilly as its leading intellectual.

(h/t)

More Astute Political Analysis From Ironicus Maximus

It's public service time again here in the marbled halls of IM Central. That means, as frequent reader(s) of this blog will know we're about to describe the bitterness of praying to an absent god for more guns while elite minorities raised on food stamps by single parents galavant around the country bowling for votes, and working class Wellesley alums down shots and beers then go looking for gays to beat up.

That didn't come out right, but let's get back to public service. Seems the democrats are having trouble making up their minds so, as your one stop political analysis center, we're going to provide you with an in depth explication of the two camps' strategies, gleaned from our years of experience not watching Meet The Press and our close contacts with people who actually went to a political rally within the last election cycle, either here, or in Canada. Then we will provide some Delphic Oracle quality prognostication that you can take to the bank--if your bank hasn't closed yet.

First, Senator Clinton: Senator Clinton is behind in popular vote, delegate count and free throw percentage. She has an edge in boilermakers, combat experience and being female. Her strategy is tied to wooing a major swing vote in the democratic party apparatus: the Stupid Delegates...erm..Super Delegates.

Super Delegates are people who, generally though no fault of their own have risen to responsible positions in the party and thus have accumulated prestige, influence, and occasioanlly herpes. These delegates are charged with actually picking the nominee if the regular voters don't get with the program and thus are the key to Clinton's strategy.

Clinton makes the argument that these delegates should throw their support behind her because, while Obama has won more primaries it's only because in the primaries voters are democrats, independents and republicans. Her argument is that she is better suited to win the general election when voters will be democrats, independents and republicans.

Wait. Bad example.

Clinton's real strong point is that since presidential elections are won or lost in the electoral college she's the better candidate because she's won the big states and everyone knows states award their electoral votes based on who gets the majority of votes cast by democrats, independents and republicans in that state and oh heck this isn't working out either.

Crap. Let's try Obama. His strategy is based on the fact that he's ahead and therefore his approach is to stay ahead by getting more votes from democrats, independents and republicans.

Now, when you apply a sophisticated analytical procedure to this strategy it becomes increasing obvious that Obama is placing all his hopes on winning more votes than his opponent.

Now for our prediction: The democratic convention in Denver will be deadlocked for 33 votes after which time exhausted delegates will compromise on Bono.

If God Had Meant You To Vote You'd Have Been Born White And Rich

We're coming to you today from the Fifteenth Amendment Room here in the marbled halls of IM Central. We're here to paint a big asterisk on the door. Oh, and that clanking sound you hear is the Forefathers spinning in their graves, and yes it does sound like someone put horse shores in the dryer and turned it on high.

The Supreme Court ruled that states can require voters to produce photo identification without violating their constitutional rights, validating Republican-inspired voter suppression laws.

In what could only have been due to an abuse of prescription drugs a 6-3 ruling upheld Indiana's strict photo ID requirement, which Democrats and civil rights groups said would deter poor, older and minority voters from casting ballots. Its backers said it was needed to prevent enfranchisement. "This is about our history," said one republican state senator who had supported the bill. "There was a time in this country when you had to be male, white and own land to vote. We're just trying to get America back to her roots, that's all."

The law "is amply justified by the valid interest in maintaining a permanent republican majority," Justice John Paul Stevens said in an opinion that was joined by Chief Justice John Roberts and Anthony Kennedy.

Justices Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas also agreed with the outcome, but wrote separately in an attempt to convince people they were capable of independent thought.

Justices Stephen Breyer, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and David Souter dissented due to the fact that they had read the entire constitution instead of just the Cliff Notes.

The case concerned a state law, passed in 2005, that was backed by republicans as a way to keep their jobs. There is little history in Indiana of in-person voter fraud of the sort the law was designed to thwart. "Hey, if we let all the people vote, what sort of democracy would that be?" Asked one supporter. "I mean sure, this is Indiana, but we still have our share of...well, you know...those people."

Stevens said that preventing fraud and inspiring voter confidence were legitimate goals of the law, regardless of who backed or opposed it. "And nothing inspires confidence or improves participation like creating more hoops for voters to jump through," he added. "Particularly when those voters are the least able to deal with those hoops."

Indiana provides IDs free of charge to the poor if they happen to stop in the Secretary of State's office and read the sign that says they can have a free ID, and allows voters who lack photo ID to cast a provisional ballot and then show up within 10 days at their county courthouse to produce identification or otherwise attest to their identity if they have their own transportation or that courthouse is on a bus route.

Friday Hound Blogging

Usually on Fridays we take time out of our busy schedules to point and laugh at the overlords. But this week here's something completely different:

She's 20 years young and still going strong.

The Tampa Bay chapter of Greyhound Pets of America honored Genie, the soon-to-be-20-year-old greyhound, at its annual "Run With the Big Dogs" Poker Run this weekend.

It was quite a birthday party, with greyhounds (and their owners) from all over Florida on hand to celebrate what could very well be the world's oldest greyhound. Genie's owners, Tim and Neena Derf of Palmetto, were thrilled by the turnout to celebrate their special girl.

Tim especially has reason to celebrate Genie's birthday -- a few years ago, he became seriously ill in the middle of the night.Genie found him unconscious and nosed Neena awake, refusing to give up until she got up and found Tim. Doctors say he was minutes away from death.

As Neena and Tim say, "He picked her and she saved him."Genie was already 11 years old when they adopted her, and chances were slim that someone would want to take in a dog that old. Perhaps there was a little "Genie magic" at work?

And she's kept her good looks too:

Twenty years old in people years. That'd make her bout as old as John McCain in dog years, right Spanky?

Spanky is a quick learner and eager to please. He is a happy, outgoing, and friendly dog. He is playful and calms easily. His trainers believe he will make a great house pet. He loves to play in the snow. He’s a happy dog whose tail wags often. He’s very friendly. He wants to be with you but he’s not clingy. He loves to run and play. He loves to go in the granddaughter’s bedrooms and wake them up with kisses in the morning. He will roll over and want his tummy scratched. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Spanky would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Perry Mason They Ain't

Shhh. We're coming to you today from the War on Terror Command Center here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The WoTCC is a top secret room which doubles as the hall closet. We're here today to get a briefing on the government's progress in shutting down domestic terror cells. The briefing's just begun, let's listen.

Federal prosecutors announced plans to retry six Florida men on terrorism charges despite two consecutive mistrials in a case once trumpeted as a success in the government's war on terrorism. "Well, success is such a slippery word," said one Justice Department aide. "What we really mean is trying these guys over and over again is the only way we can avoid losing."

"We've worked very hard this past week, reviewing everything in this case and considering it very, very seriously," prosecutor Richard Gregorie said in Miami federal court. "The United States has decided it's necessary to proceed . . . one more time because, let's face it, these are the only guys we've managed to catch."

The defendants have been detained since their arrests in June 2006. They are charged with four conspiracy counts stemming from an alleged plot to run through Chicago's Sears Tower with scissors and moon people coming out of Miami's FBI headquarters.

Having two juries deadlock over the same case has never happened in a major terrorism prosecution, leaving officials in a quandary. "Well, if by 'quandary' you mean the juries told us to buy a one way ticket to It Ain't Happening Town."

In a statement explaining the government's decision to pursue a fruitless course, Gregorie said the group's leader had expressed a desire to support the Red Sox, telling an undercover informant that he wanted to "see Steinbrenner explode when Jeter goes 0 for three in game six."

According to prosecutors, Narseal Batiste, a former FedEx deliveryman from Chicago, thought he was a divine messenger sent to be Ron Paul's Vice President. Lacking the means to contact the Paul campaign telepathically, Batiste, 34, recruited the other defendants on Craiglist and sought an alliance with the Orions, prosecutors said.

But defense lawyers told jurors that the supposed plot was a ruse, and that the men were trying to scam money from a paid FBI informant. "Everyone knows the Orions only work for UPS," said one of the defense lawyers.

The two trials have cost several million dollars, including fees for court-appointed defense lawyers and prosecutors' salaries. Providing security for the two trials has cost more than $1 million, according to the U.S. Marshals Service.

Hey, quit complaining," said Gregorie. "At least we're not spending it on the war."

More Astute Political Analysis From Ironicus Maximus

We're coming to you from the Mixed Messages Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central today. MM is a division of WTF corporation in partnership with cable news and most of the main stream media.

First the big news, Hillary won. Yay!

No wait, she lost. Boo!

But Obama lost too. Boo!

No, wait. He won. Yay!

To sum up: Hillary lost the primary that she won while Obama won the primary he lost and that's why Ralph Nader will be president of America for life the end.

Meanwhile, McCain is still crazy.

Pennsylvania! Motto: Sweet Jebus When Are These People Leaving?

OK, it's voting day in Pennsylvania and to celebrate this great democratic rite , and in the interests of international relations (it is a Russian vodka after all), we're going to break out the Stoli and toast this great republic because, as John Adams said:

Our electioneering racers have started for the prize.Such whipping and spurring and huzzaing! Oh what rare sport it will be! Through thick and thin, through mire and dirt, through bogs and fens and sloughs, dashing and splashing and crying out, the devil take the hindmost.

Admit it. You didn't think we even knew who John Adams was did you?

Anyway, on to the "mire and dirt." Senator Clinton, she of the high expectations, she of the do or die, of the win or go home. How is she rallying her troops? How is she "Spurring and huzzaing"?

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton warned Tehran on Tuesday that if she were president, the United States could "totally obliterate" Iran in retaliation for a nuclear strike against Israel.

Yes! It's morning again in America! Unfortunately that glow over the horizon isn't the dawn of a new day. It's Iran. Or maybe New York. Anyway, the lesson here is don't get Hillary out of bed at 3:00 a.m. if you know what's good for you.

OK, back away slowly from Mrs. Clinton and let's head down the block see the Sultan of Suave, the Master of Metaphor, the Hammer of Hope Senator Barack Hussein Osama! Oops. We mean Obama. Dude's still a Hussein though. Just saying. Halaw Barry. Zup?

Barack Obama, who said Republican John McCain would be an improvement over president Bush, argued that his comment didn't undercut Democrats' contention that the GOP nominee-in-waiting offers the same as the unpopular president. "Hey, look at the bright side," said an aide to the senator. At least he's not Hillary."

Yeah, but that whole bomb Iran thing seems to be a common thread, no?

We're suddenly feeling rather dispirited. If you need us we'll be doing some cancer research.

McCain Visits Historic Civil Rights Sites; Says He Was Mistakenly Told Blacks Went Back To Africa After Civil War

Well, it seems presidential candidate and Alzheimer's survivor John McSnarlypants Nastytongue has discovered there are whole parts of the country republicans didn't know about.

McCain recalled the bloody beatings of civil rights marchers on the Edmund Pettus Bridge as he began a week-long tour of communities he said suffer from poverty and inattention from presidential candidates. When it was pointed out that Democratic presidential candidates had already paid several visits to the area, McCain responded that he meant republican presidential candidates. "I want you all to know I'm a friend to the darkies," he said.

The crowd of about 100 people was mostly dressed in white robes although, as the campaign noted, Selma's population is 70 percent black. Asked about the makeup of the crowd, McCain said: "I am aware the African American vote has been very small in favor of the republican party. I am aware that these people aren't as stupid, or as easily manipulated as the evangelicals, and I am aware of the fact that there will be many people who will not vote for me. And when I find one of those people, I will beat them up because I suffer from PTSD."

The area remains desperately poor, which is why McCain chose it for his "It's Pandering Time" tour. "My administration will be sensitive to those not lucky enough to be born white and rich," he said. "I want you to know the republican party is a big tent party. A big tent like the one a lot of you lived in after Katrina."

The Republican presidential nominee-in-waiting is still trying to fend off criticism that he has been indifferent to the housing crisis and the market upheaval it spawned. Last month, McCain said he opposed government involvement in social issues. "Government's job is to provide income streams for our corporate friends, and bail out the occasional Bear Sterns," he told reporters.

Since then, however, he has proposed sending FEMA trailers to struggling homeowners, and a summer holiday from federal gas taxes for owners of SUV's. "That's American made SUV's," a spokesperson for the McCain campaign added. "The senator understands how to stimulate the American economy."

McCain planned to follow his Selma speech with a ferry ride from the remote Alabama town of Gee's Bend. The ferry had been closed for 44 years, until 2006, by county leaders to keep black residents from crossing the river to the county seat to push for civil rights. The trip is 80 miles without the ferry. When asked if he would be accompanied by any black residents McCain responded that it "wasn't allowed."

His tour then goes to Youngstown, Ohio, eastern Kentucky and New Orleans' Ninth Ward, which was devastated by Hurricane Katrina president Bush.

Friday Hound Blogging (Saturday Edition)

And, we're back. We have to say things didn't quite turn out the way we planned. Also, we have seen the Apocalypse and it starts at airport check in counters. Soon angry mobs of coach passengers will tear a hapless ticket agent to shreds, then go on a Espresso con Panna half caf mocha caramel chocolate sprinkle fueled rampage throughout the terminal setting fire to Wolfgang Pucks and throwing the flaming pizzas at passengers coming through the international jetway.

In sum, Flying: fun. Airports: Seventh level of hell. And speaking of hell, how are things in the greyhound racing world, Susie?

Susie is very loving and playful. She’s just a bundle of joy. She’s very outgoing, loves people, and does her commands. She very quiet and easy going; you really don’t even realize she’s around. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Suzie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered older children, 10 and up. She really likes to hang out with the other dogs; and would probably do best with other dogs to keep her company when left alone. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

On The Road

Off to test the patience of the Capitol Police today, so blogging will be light for the remainder of the week. Hey, You. In the back. Quit applauding.

On The Bright Side He Throws A Mean Bar-b-Que

We're here to officially announce that this presidential campaign has gone on so long that even the candidates have given up trying to act like they're making sense. Take McCain for example.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain is attempting to reassure Americans that "I detest war" even as he strongly backs the current U.S. war in Iraq. "Look," McCain told reporters, "I'm either against the war I'm for, or for the war I'm against. You figure it out. I lost interest long ago."

McCain senior adviser Charlie Black said, "McCain is the last guy who wants to go to war and he knows all the other steps to do to avoid it." When it was pointed out that America was already at war, and thus war hadn't been avoided Black responded "Really? Does the senator know this?"

McCain is adhering to a view that the United States can win a war against a highly committed, diffuse group of guerrillas on their home territory with the overwhelming and often indiscriminant use of force, just like we did in Viet Nam.

He says the United States must stay in Iraq so the Iraqis can save their oil money to buy escape homes in other countries. In addition, he says we must remain there in some fashion in the years ahead as targets. Now that a troop increase in Iraq that he had recommended has improved security except where it hasn't, more Americans are with him and willing to be more patient, he believes.

Of course he also believes in horoscopes, cutting taxes increases revenue and eating raw noodles will cure erectile dysfunction.

Friday Hound Blogging

We've often wondered what would cause someone to become an overlord. Aside from the traumatic brain injury that is. And the third grade education. Did these people consult a career adviser? Was there some prospectus put out by the industry that attracted them? Well, the ones who could read anyway. Do overlords go to job fairs to recruit the next generation of animal exploiters?

Most likely we'll never know because the tracks are disappearing faster than abstinence pledges on prom night.

Dairyland Greyhound Park lost about $750,000 more than it originally anticipated last year, a new audit says. The report, commissioned by the Kenosha track, said the facility lost about $2.8 million in 2007. While slightly less than the $2.85 million the track stated losing in 2006, the newly reported loss is well above the $2.07 million the track predicted it would lose in 2007 in a December filing with the state.

Roy Berger, Dairyland executive vice president, said the greater-than-expected losses are the result of one factor: "Business is lousy."

Brilliant analysis Mr. Berger. What was your first clue?

The problem, he said, is a continuing decline in the popularity of greyhound racing. Unfortunately, now, it's like trying to sell pay phones or eight-track cassettes."

Hahahahahahaha! Mr. Berger made a funny. Greyhound racing and eight track tapes. Both fads long gone out of style. Except we never took eight track cassettes out behind the barn and shot them when they quit being popular.

Over the years, Berger has blamed many of the track's woes on competition from the state's tribal casino industry, which blossomed shortly after Dairyland opened in 1990. Five greyhound racing facilities opened throughout Wisconsin at the time; Dairyland is the only one that remains in business.

Only an overlord would characterize an operation that lost $5.65 million over two years as a "business."

Earlier this year, the Forest County Potawatomi Tribe confirmed it is looking at adding a pari-mutuel betting lounge to its Milwaukee casino facility. This venture, which would likely allow Milwaukee casino bettors to wager on many of the same out-of-town horse racing events that Dairyland currently counts on to derive much of its pari-mutuel revenue, would further complicate Dairyland's challenging situation, Berger said.

Dairyland, meanwhile, asked the state last year for some sort of fiscal relief. "It just keeps getting worse," Berger said. "But Wisconsin, really, doesn't care."

Oh, poor overlord. It's got to be rough being unceremoniously dumped when you can no longer perform. On the bright side, at least no one is going to kill him, right Sadie?

Sadie is a little on the shy side and takes some time to warm up to strangers. She is active and playful in the mornings and quiets down in the afternoons. Generally, she is quiet and easygoing. She will walk right up to her foster mom if they are in the yard. She’s a lover and very sweetest dog, but also very timid. If someone has the time to spend with her she will perk up a bit. She likes having toys around, but doesn’t really play with them. She has big pointy ears and she will smile. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Sadie would do well in a quiet working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. Because she is a shy dog, she would probably do best with another dog to help build her confidence. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Florida! Motto: Don't Make Any Sudden Moves

We're coming to you today from the Duck and Cover Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. D&C is a division of the You Talking To Me Corporation in partnership with This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us, Inc.

First a little full disclosure though. We've written before about our lack of experience walking around with a surrogate penis strapped to our hip, and that being said must now admit to more than the appropriate amount of satisfaction about having chosen to describe gun ownership in the aforesaid manner.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

OK, homage to the second amendment (and...er...compensation issues) aside, on with our story.

The National Rifle Association finally won its three-year fight to allow Floridians to bring guns to work. "Hey boss, I'll be late to work tomorrow," said Marion Hammer, the NRA's Florida lobbyist. "Want to make something of it?"

The Florida Senate, on a 26-13 vote that mirrored the earlier party-line vote in the House, sent to the governor a bill that prohibits businesses from barring employees or customers from shooting up the place. "We have preserved one of our foundational freedoms," said one republican lawmaker who voted for the bill. "Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go bust a cap in my stylist. Look at this haircut. Is this whack or what?"

Schools are exempt, as are power plants and other secure locations. "Yeah, well we're working on that," Hammer said. "Can you imagine the look on a bully's face when my son pulls out his Glock on the playground? Fourth grade will get a whole lot less complicated if you get my drift." Less crowded too.

Governor Charlie Crist said he anticipates signing the bill . "Hey, I got State Police protection around the clock. You guys are on your own."

"It's absolutely absurd," said Martin Daugherty, owner of Image Depot in St. Petersburg. "My taxes are going up, they are talking about closing courts and not funding health care, and they are passing stuff like this?"

"Where'd you say that guy's shop was?" asked Senator Durell Peaden, the Panhandle republican who sponsored the bill.

"Businesses should be happy about this," Bill Bunting, a Republican Party official in Pasco County said. "If John K. Jerk comes onto a property trying to return merchandise without a receipt, it would be nice to know while the boss distracts the guy with some magic tricks, an employee can act like he's going on break, run out into his car, which will hopefully be parked out of sight, unlock it, get his gun, stroll nonchalantly back into the store and blow that dude's skinny white behind away."

"Seems to me 'John K. Jerk' is in the legislature," responded Daugherty.

"Where'd you say your store was?" Bunting asked.

Must Be A Graduate Of The Geraldo Rivera* Military Academy

A famous person once said victory has a thousand fathers, but defeat is a Cubs fan. Or something like that. Anyway, we impress you with our historical expertise and highly developed recall abilities as preface to today's discourse on the conduct of Operation Iraqi Freedom, or as it is known in popular circles, Vietnam II: AWOL in the White House.

Republicans are fond of telling those not born with the sense god gave a box of Saran Wrap the many reasons we should be excited by the prospect of losing an entire generation and bankrupting the country by staying in Iraq. Republicans, you see, are the party of national defense. Cut and run democrats would have left Iraq years ago and let the terrorists win, or worse, follow us home and tear up the yard on their little terrorist bicycles, and scatter the trash at night like terrorist raccoons.

Luckily for the defense industry though, we've been in the firm grasp of republican war experts for the last seven years, and as a result America is safer today than it's ever been in the past. Also poorer, but after all, who else knows more about getting other people to fight their wars than republicans? Of course, some republicans are better at that than others.

The Pentagon told representative Patrick McHenry, a Republican lawmaker that he couldn’t re-air a video he'd shot in Baghdad after accusations surfaced that he breached operational security in detailing enemy rocket attacks. "It wasn't so much that he was running around shouting 'look at me, I'm in combat,'" said a pentagon spokesperson. "It's that in the background of the video terrorists would be able to see how closely their rockets were coming to Halliburton assets."

“The Congressman shot the video in the company of State Department and military personnel, and was not briefed on making a spectacle of himself,” his spokesman Wes Climer said in a written statement. "Look, we got a tough primary coming up here," he told reporters. "We're just trying to get a little edge, that's all."

A Pentagon spokesman said he didn’t know who McHenry was up against, “but we routinely explain to politicians trying to make political points with trips over here what they can and can't do.”

"We thought those briefings were for civilians," Climer said. When it was pointed out that representative McHenry was a civilian, Climer disagreed. "He's a congressman," he said. "A republican congressman."

McHenry’s trip to Iraq had already been mired in controversy after his GOP political opponent, military attorney Lance Sigmon of Newton , posted a YouTube.com video of the lawmaker telling local Republicans about his unsuccessful efforts to get into the gym in the Green Zone. McHenry said he was shut out by a “two-bit security guard.”

"I'd just like to state for the record, that representative McHenry supports the troops. Even the two bit ones." Climer said.

*Luckily Osama likes Oprah better

George W. McCain For President

We're coming to you today from the Department of Redundancy Department today. The DRD is located in the McCain '08 plaza and just south of the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Laser Tag Emporium. Perhaps you've noticed that George Bush is running for a third term in the guise of John McCain. And you thought androids left the race when the Mittster dropped out.

Addressing the Veterans of Forgotten Wars, McCain criticized Obama and Clinton and insisted that last year's U.S. troop buildup in Iraq brought a glimmer of "something approaching normal. If by 'normal' you mean complete apocalypse, and by 'glimmer' you mean makes a black hole look like a 1000 watt bulb in a darkroom."

Despite a recent outbreak of heavy fighting and a U.S. death toll that has surpassed 4,000 pulling out now would jeopardize recent gains, McCain said. When asked to list those gains McCain referred reporters to the improvements in the menu offered at base cafeterias, and increased sports and exercise opportunities for troops stationed in the Green Zone. "They're gonna be there a while," McCain said. "Might as well make them comfortable."

"I do not believe that anyone should make promises as a candidate for president that they cannot keep if elected," McCain said. When asked if that position referred to him as well, McCain agreed and said he didn't plan on making any promises anyway. "Elect me if you like things the way they are," he told reporters. "Now let's all go to my house for a cook out so you can keep being objective when it comes to reporting my positions on endless war."

"To promise a withdrawal of our forces from Iraq, regardless of the fact that we don't even know what we're fighting for and we're destroying our military doing it, is the height of irresponsibility," McCain said. "It is a failure of leadership. Of course it was a failure of leadership that got us into this mess in the first place, but I'm all about the future."

McCain said U.S. forces should be allowed to remain until the next ice age takes hold, saying the year-old "surge" overseen by Patraeus has led to dramatic reduction in violence except where it hasn't and "opened the way for a return to a pre-industrial age life style for the average Iraqi."

McCain used the word "reckless" four times to describe the Democrats' position, saying they are promoting a rational course of action to try to save lives, restore our faltering economy and begin to rebuild our shattered reputation abroad. "What kind of America would that be?" he asked. "Is that the kind of America you want for your children?"

With security gains in Iraq still hallucinatory, Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker were expected to say in congressional testimony that further withdrawals of American troops should be put on hold after 20,000 come home by July. "We've definitely turned a corner," said a spokesperson for General Petraeus' office. "And if things keep going well, we'll probably only need a few thousand more troops sent over by the end of this year."

McCain, dubbed the craziest white dude on the Senate Armed Services Committee by people not invited to his cookouts, said chaos in Iraq has been undeniable thanks to the U.S. troop build-up, and has led to the recent surge in violence. Later in a clarification from his office, a spokesperson explained that McCain had inadvertently taken his wife's medications and was uncharacteristically lucid for a brief period.

McCain said the troop increase is working to bring security to Iraq. "There is no doubt about the basic reality in Iraq: we are no longer staring into the abyss of defeat, we've taken a flying leap over the cliff I for one say, enjoy the ride, it's a volunteer army after all, what do we have to lose?"

Hey, We're Dying Over Here

Oh sure, you just wander by, peek in the window, then go about your merry way never giving a thought to the fact that we're sacrificing years off our lives to bring you poorly written, useless information so you can avoid doing something socially useful.

That didn't come out right.

Well, except for the dying part.

They work long hours, often to exhaustion. Many are paid by the piece — not garments, but blog posts. This is the digital-era sweatshop.

Yeah baby! Long hours! Exhaustion! Sweat...wait a minute..."paid"?

Bloggers profess a love of the nonstop action and perhaps the chance to create a global media outlet without a major upfront investment.

Actually, we just thought it'd be a good way to meet chicks.

Other bloggers complain of weight loss or gain, sleep disorders, exhaustion and other maladies born of the nonstop strain of producing for a news and information cycle that is as always-on as the Internet drinking.

Two weeks ago in North Lauderdale, Fla., a funeral was held for Russell Shaw, a prolific blogger on technology subjects who died at 60 of a heart attack. In December, another technology blogger, Marc Orchant, died at 50 of a massive coronary. A third, Om Malik, 41, survived a heart attack in December.

At the same time, approximately 289, 908 other people died of cardiovascular diseases, but they weren't bloggers, so blogging didn't kill them because is no official diagnosis of death by blogging, and the premature demise of two people does not qualify as an epidemic, but Matt needs 800 words for his column so he's going for stating the screamingly, mind numbingly obvious like it is a secret of the universe, plus the totally gratuitous and insulting explanation as a topper.

Blogging has been lucrative for some, but those on the lower rungs of the business can earn as little as $10 a post.

Wow! Where do we go to sign up for that lower rung?

Friday Hound Blogging

Long time readers of this blog have a high tolerance for disappointment...er...we mean have often been regaled with our reporting on the high degree of care given to the units by their overlords. See, when your trailer payment depends on the dogs being able to get out there and run day after day, you can't afford to scrimp on any aspect of their care.

Well, maybe just a little.

On his first visit to the greyhound kennel, the investigator reported an ''outrageous stench'' of urine so strong it sent a track judge reeling from the building. A second inspection, about two weeks later, found no improvement in the ''noxious'' stink. "Well, duh," said Isadore Havenick, a vice president of Miami-Dade's Flagler Dog Track. "They're not housebroken because they don't live in a house."

The filth, ticks and odor at the Orlando-area kennel amounted to animal abuse, state investigator Stephen Toner concluded. "Mr. Toner is obviously confused," Havenick told reporters. "He must think greyhounds are dogs or something and thus protected under cruelty statutes.

Yeah. Where does he get off messing with your meal ticket? It's not just about the dogs Mr. Animal Rights Whacko, it's also about the thousands and thousands and thousands of people who work in the industry.

Of course that's just an estimate.

The committee that penned the ballot initiative to end greyhound racing in the state by 2010 is contesting a statement by Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park owner George Carney regarding the number of employees that are supported by his operation and Wonderland in Revere. Carney was quoted as stating that between 6,000 and 8,000 workers would be affected if the two tracks closed. Christine Dorchak, cochairwoman of the Committee to Protect Dogs, called Carney's number grossly inflated. "We're very concerned that, after appearing in The Boston Globe, that number will be repeated over and over again," Dorchak said. "According to our sources, there are about 800 employees paid directly by the two tracks.

"Look, I'm a businessman, not a mathematician," Carney responded.

Right. Who's got time to count up employees when there's rubes to fleece. Besides, the dogs only spend eight hours or so in the kennels anyway.

Well, if by eight hours you mean 18 - 22.

Raynham Park general manager Gary Temple asserts that dogs at his track are confined for as little as 8-10 hours per day, and let out of their cages five times per day. In reality, thousands of dogs endure lives of nearly endless confinement at two racetracks in our state, kept in small cages barely large enough for them to stand up or turn around for 20 or more hours per day. Specifically, dogs are confined perpetually in stacked cages.

"I'm a general manager, not a clock watcher," Temple told reporters.

All righty then. About time for you to find a home, huh Guadalajara?

Guadalajara is a little timid with new people, but will warm up within a few minutes. He is very smart and learns quickly. He gets along well with other dogs and his foster family. He is very affectionate and will approach his family for pets and hugs. His tail is curly like a cork screw and when he is happy or playing his tail spins like a helicopter. He is very playful. He likes to gather his toys and take them to his crate. He loves to chew on bones.He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Guadalajara would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. He needs a single family home, because he tends to be vocal when his family arrives home. He would do best in a home with a 5 foot + fence, as he tends to stand up and look over the fence. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

OK, This One's For Real

In a response to this post, a Mr. Kevin Collins said:

Well, as a lifelong bachelor for 37 years, I'd say I stopped going into restaurants where you tip a waiter or waitress about 10 years ago. I've always averred that it's woefully wasteful. Why the hell should I pay extra just for someone to bring my food to the table? I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself. And the way I see it, food is just something I need to survive. That's why I either get 99-cent items at Burger King, Jack in the Box, or McDonalds or buy 99-cent microwavable items from the grocery store -- I don't need overpriced baby-back ribs from Chili's and the like. It's just frigging food any way you slice it. What really cracks me up are elderly people who go to overpriced cafeterias for food they're perfectly capable of fixing at home, because they're the ones who gripe that Social Security isn't enough income yet blow crucial dollars of their income for eating out. Nowhere in the Constitution is it written that they're entitled the money to eat out, nor is it written that a family of 4 is equally entitled to eat at Appleby's and T.G.I. Fridays and the like every weekend like so many families robotically do as if they're all pod people. So bravo to fast-food places that are getting improved business nowadays. They offer nondescript food at good prices that may not be as tasty as meat at Outback Steakhouse but are perfectly fine nevertheless.

Hey Kevin, Some people choose bachelorhood, some have it thrust upon them.

Young People Are The Future

"A moment I've been dreading. George brought his n'er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida; the one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work."

From the REAGAN DIARIES------entry dated May 17, 1986.

Update: Dang! We hate when that happens.

Tell The Principal We're Just Role Playing CIA Interrogation Techniques

Now, far be it for us to cast aspersions on the disciplinary methods of trainers in the educorporate facilities around the country. In fact, as we have written many times, their actions are usually extremely justified responses to the...er...behavioral challenges they face. And by behavioral challenges we mean, well, us.

Still, we have to believe that this particular trainer crossed some sort of line with her charges.

A group of children ages 8 to 10 apparently were mad at their teacher because she had scolded one of them for standing on a chair, authorities say. That led the third-graders, as many as nine boys and girls, to plot an attack on the teacher at Center Elementary School in south Georgia. Police Chief Tony Tanner said the students apparently planned to knock the teacher unconscious with a glass paperweight, bind her with handcuffs and duct tape and then stab her with a broken steak knife.

Sweet Jebus on a trolley car, what'd she scold them with, a TASER?

The scheme involved a division of roles, Tanner said. One child's job was to cover windows so no one could see outside, and another was supposed to clean up after the attack. "I feel I should point out, this wasn't the gifted and talented class either," he added. "Looks like No Child Left Behind is working."

School officials had alerted police after an vice principal posing as Barney infiltrated the group. "So far we haven't uncovered any connection to al Qaeda," Tanner said. "But one student did have a poster of Che Guevara in his room. We think he's an Obama supporter.

Two of the students were arrested and put in the time out room so they could think very carefully about how to act right. A third ran between a deputy's legs and was still at large. District Attorney Rick Currie said other students told investigators they preferred kidnapping the teacher's cat. "We figured we could use that to at least get out of Friday vocabulary quizzes," one student told authorities.

Well OK, But Don't Expect The Supreme Court To Help Out With These Voters

You know, if we were getting paid for this there would be times we'd feel pretty guilty taking the money. Oh we'd still take the money, but we'd be conflicted about it.

This is one of those times.

UK Prime Minister Tony Blair and US President George W Bush have been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

See? Now be honest, do you really need us for this? Didn't think so, but let's look a little deeper into this heaping helping of Ironicus anyway.

Harald Tom Nesvik, a member of the Wingnut Party for Living in a Fantasy World, said that he had nominated the two world leaders for fighting terrorism and promoting world peace. When it was pointed out to Mr. Nesvik that the point of fighting world terrorism and promoting world peace was in fact to promote peace, which meant less war, not more he responded, "Oh. My bad."

Later his office issued a clarification saying "Unfortunately, sometimes... you have to use force to secure peace. Omelet. Eggs. It's all good." Mr Nevik has the ability to nominate because he is a member of a national legislature from the city of Freekinbonkistaad, or at least was until he went off his meds.

Observers say that the pair are unlikely to win the award because Bishop Gunnar Staalsett, one of five members of the secretive Nobel committee, is not a complete flaming idiot.

Last year a total of 126 individuals or organizations were nominated for the prestigious award, and report issued by the Nobel Committee, which also seemed to call into question Bush and Blair's chances, indicated that none of those individuals, or organizations were war mongers, war criminals, profiteers, or had the IQ's of hair spray.

It is expected that the events of 11 September will prove influential in this year's award, and some observers are predicting nominations for former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani who is highly favored to win the Nobel Prize for 9/11ing his 9/11edness with full 9/11osity.