Thursday, April 10, 2008

Florida! Motto: Don't Make Any Sudden Moves

We're coming to you today from the Duck and Cover Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. D&C is a division of the You Talking To Me Corporation in partnership with This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us, Inc.

First a little full disclosure though. We've written before about our lack of experience walking around with a surrogate penis strapped to our hip, and that being said must now admit to more than the appropriate amount of satisfaction about having chosen to describe gun ownership in the aforesaid manner.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

OK, homage to the second amendment ( issues) aside, on with our story.

The National Rifle Association finally won its three-year fight to allow Floridians to bring guns to work. "Hey boss, I'll be late to work tomorrow," said Marion Hammer, the NRA's Florida lobbyist. "Want to make something of it?"

The Florida Senate, on a 26-13 vote that mirrored the earlier party-line vote in the House, sent to the governor a bill that prohibits businesses from barring employees or customers from shooting up the place. "We have preserved one of our foundational freedoms," said one republican lawmaker who voted for the bill. "Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go bust a cap in my stylist. Look at this haircut. Is this whack or what?"

Schools are exempt, as are power plants and other secure locations. "Yeah, well we're working on that," Hammer said. "Can you imagine the look on a bully's face when my son pulls out his Glock on the playground? Fourth grade will get a whole lot less complicated if you get my drift." Less crowded too.

Governor Charlie Crist said he anticipates signing the bill . "Hey, I got State Police protection around the clock. You guys are on your own."

"It's absolutely absurd," said Martin Daugherty, owner of Image Depot in St. Petersburg. "My taxes are going up, they are talking about closing courts and not funding health care, and they are passing stuff like this?"

"Where'd you say that guy's shop was?" asked Senator Durell Peaden, the Panhandle republican who sponsored the bill.

"Businesses should be happy about this," Bill Bunting, a Republican Party official in Pasco County said. "If John K. Jerk comes onto a property trying to return merchandise without a receipt, it would be nice to know while the boss distracts the guy with some magic tricks, an employee can act like he's going on break, run out into his car, which will hopefully be parked out of sight, unlock it, get his gun, stroll nonchalantly back into the store and blow that dude's skinny white behind away."

"Seems to me 'John K. Jerk' is in the legislature," responded Daugherty.

"Where'd you say your store was?" Bunting asked.

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