Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Is That Your Belly Poking Out Under That Shirt, Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

We're coming to you today from the Physical Education and Muscle Culture Center here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Now, admittedly since our college days we have collected some...er...body mass, although we have to say on us it simply adds to our aura of gravitas. Sort of gives weight to our presence if you get our meaning. Still, we're down here working on our pecs, gluts and abs anyway as we have just been informed that the cause of all the problems in this sad and dystopic world have been finally identified, clarified and localized:

Fat people.

And all this time we thought it was islamofacistcommieninjashadowwarriors who were so lithe and slim they could come in the night on the breeze and steal our women, plus raise the price of gasoline without even disturbing the dyspeptic clerk, nodding into his big gulp behind the counter.

Nope. Fat people.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger School of Hygiene and Pilates used geometric logic and advanced statistical Magic Eight Balls to calculate the obese consume 18% more calories than average due to the fact that they are, like, bigger than people who are not obese. They are also responsible for using more fuel to haul their lard butts, and beer bellies down to the MacDonalds, which has an environmental impact because we have to wait at the drive up window while a fresh batch of fries is made after they clean the place out (engine idling by the way).

They also drive up food prices--well, except for vegetables because everyone knows fat people don't eat vegetables--as transport and agriculture both use oil. Well, truth be told, the manufacture of cosmetics uses a lot of oil too, but this is about fat people, not beautiful people.

The result is that the poor struggle to afford food and that's why all poor people are fat amen, the end, reported the Lancet.

The team found that obese people require 1,680 daily calories to get themselves down to the Baskin Robbins for a Candy Rush Sundae and another 1,280 to get home - a fifth more than normal. "Don't these people know about delivery?" asked Phil Edwards, who co-authored the article.

What is more, the researchers said obese people are likely to rely on transport more and put more strain on that transport because of their mass, which again drives up prices and usage. "Have you seen what happens to a set of shocks on an Escalade after about 1000 miles of hauling around a 300 pounder?" asked Dr David Haslam, of the National Obesity Forum. "It ain't pretty."

"Really, it is discriminatory towards obese people. They are an easy target at the moment, but I think the causes of climate change and rising food prices is much more complex," he added.

Right. You left out the impact of atheists who stay at home on Sundays watching TV and thus drive up the cost of electricity for good, god fearing folk.

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