Tuesday, May 13, 2008

So What? Our Mommas Probably Wouldn't Vote For Us Anyway

OK, look America, it's time you woke up. There's a war going on, several actually, but the bottom line is the enemy is at our throats. If by at our throats you mean hiding in caves in Pakistan, but that's not our point. Our point is that during war certain sacrifices have to be made. No we're not talking about actually paying for the war ourselves instead of pushing it onto our children, or worse yet, instituting a draft that really pushes it on to our children. Well, not that the real burden isn't being mostly born by our children now, but it's not like the ones bearing it are the important children, you know. We mean, some children have more potential than others and it's just in our best interests as a nation not to let those children lose body parts indiscriminately.

But we digress. See, it's not only young republicans who have to bear the burden of being nice and safe at home while the military slowly bleeds itself to death, now we must come to another group that must make the ultimate sacrifice. Another group of citizens who must be called upon by congress to step up and take one for the nation. No, we're not talking about SUV and Minivan drivers being asked buy more car magnets, we're not talking about democrats stepping in and putting an end to this travesty with an incredible act of bravery and conscience, we're talking about mothers.

The House had just voted, 412 to 0, to pass H. Res. 1113, "Celebrating the role of mothers in the United States and supporting the goals and ideals of Mother's Day," when Representative Todd Tiahrt (R-Thankless Brat), rose in protest. "Mr. Speaker, I move to reconsider the vote," he announced. "Because I am a flaming idiot and I'd like to make a complete fool of myself. I'd also like the record to show that I don't know how to address the Speaker if she's a woman." Representative Kathy Castor (D-Fla.), who has two young daughters, moved to send Tiahrt to the time out room and make him write 'I will call Representative Pelosi Madame Speaker' 100 times, setting up a revote. This time, 178 Republicans cast their votes against mothers. "Well, not all mothers," Tiahrt said. Just some mothers."

Republicans are now confronted with a John Kerry-esque predicament: They actually voted for motherhood before they voted against it. "Hey, the more you look into this 'mother' thing, the more sinister it becomes," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. "Did you know terrorists have mothers too?"

Later, Representative Tiahrt's mother issued a statement indicating that he would no longer be receiving packages of her special walnut chocolate circles, raspberry almond turnovers, or cinnamon maple cookie rings while in Washington, and there was the distinct possibility that at her next bridge club meeting she might let it slip that he wet the bed until he was 12.

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