Toledo! Motto: Heck, Now Even Ohio Doesn't Want Us

We're coming to you today from the History Department here in the marbled halls if IM Central. Well, actually no we're not. We're just watching sports on the wide screen plasma, but we do get the history channel on cable.

The point is...the history point is...back in 1835 Michigan and Ohio got in a little tiff. And Michigan wasn't even a state yet, which tells you a little bit about some of our compensation issues. Anyway, WE TOTALLY KICKED OHIO'S BUCKEYED LITTLE BUTT!!1!! BOO YAH!! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS CLEVELAND? YOU WANNA DANCE?!!

We're sorry. Where were we...oh yeah, to settle the dispute we let Ohio keep Toledo and they gave us the upper peninsula which is a total smack down because keeping the upper peninsula would have made Ohio the only state ever with it's own suburb, but instead they end up with the Mudhens and we get The Mystery Spot.

OK, fast forward to now and the deal we got back in the day looks even better, if you're into, like, justice, fairness, equality and stuff like that. To wit:

I read with great interest Michael Miller's column, "Gay Rights and Wrongs."I respectfully submit a different perspective for Miller and Toledo Free Press readers to consider, namely SHOOT PEOPLE WHO ARE INFECTED WITH TEH GAYZ!!!

As a Black woman who happens to be an alumnus of the University of Toledo's Graduate School, an employee and business owner, I take great umbrage at the notion that those choosing the homosexual lifestyle are "civil rights victims." Here's why. I cannot wake up tomorrow and not be a Black woman, but if TEH GAYZ would just stop being so concerned with their wardrobe and decorating their apartments, maybe they'd find the time to go out and get drunk at a singles bar, then wake up with a stranger of the opposite sex like us heteros do. Problem solved.

Daily, thousands of homosexuals make a life decision to leave the gay lifestyle evidenced by the growing population of PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex Gays) and Exodus International just to name a few.

Umm..that would be this PFOX and this Exodus.

Frequently, the individuals report that the impetus to their change of heart and lifestyle was a transformative experience with God; other times it's after they get the living crap beat out of them for the twentieth time. Either way works for me.

My final and most important point. There is a divine order. God created human kind male and female (Genesis 1:27). God created humans with an inalienable right to choose. Some choose to violate the will of god and be born gay, others choose to be bigoted towards those people. You figure out which god wants.

And here's a final bit of ironicus for your maximus. The author of this article is an associate vice president of human relations at the University of Toledo. Yeah. Human relations. You know, making sure people get treated fairly and with respect. Hahahahaha! Have fun working there all you girlie men and...um...menly girls.