Thursday, November 29, 2012

If There Were A Nobel For Stupid, Alfred Himself Would Come Back From The Dead To Give It To You

Ladies and gentlemen, after exhaustive research, painstaking analysis and many nights of existential angst, we are proud to announce that your stalwart investigators here in the marbled halls of IM Central have found the stupidest place in America.

Now you might think that given the glare of the media spotlight sweeping across this country during the recently concluded quadrennial seventh grade popularity contest and journalistic giggle fest which we call electing a  president that naming the stupidest place in America would be an easy feat, as each particular node of imbecility had the opportunity to step forward and make their case.

But you would be wrong dear reader, because the stupidest place in America isn't about flash in the pan jackassery, no sir. It's about stupidity as a tradition, a cultural value. It's about being consistently, reliably, dependably dumb. It's a place where there are signs on the street reminding the citizens not to look up when it rains, or if they do to keep their mouths closed so they don't drown. It's a place where the residents can be counted on to push the door when the sign says pull; a place where the ability to tie your own shoes without written directions means you're an intellectual; a place where public ordinance requires that you be seated while chewing gum.

And where is such a place you ask? Where is this nadir of nincompoops; this pit of pinheads; this locale of losers? Is it anywhere within three miles of Bill O'Reilly? No. Is it a convention of republican pollsters? No. Is it Mitt Romney eating cheesy grits at a NASCAR race while wearing a poncho? No.

Folks, through the use of advanced investigative techniques, geometric logic, and no where near enough Stolichnaya we have determined that the stupidest place in America is--drum roll please...

And how did we arrive at this singular honor? How does one in fact determine the hard rock of stupidity when there are so many free floating islands of idiocy in the sea of  Doofus? Well, it's no easy feat as we have said, but in this case there was a determining factor. A situation so egregiously stupid, so immensely lacking in even the faintest whisper of sense, so unencumbered by the remotest quiver of rationality that when we discovered it the other candidates vanished in a dull of wittedness. The circumstance of which we speak is that the people of the first Congressional District of Texas have, since 2003, repeatedly, unflinchingly and unembarrassedly elected Louis Gohmert to Congress, the dumbest man in Washington (since Joe Barton left).

Louis Gohmert is a man so mind numbingly stupid that to merely call him stupid damns with faint praise. We first met Mr. Gohmert in 2009 when he went to the chamber well to opine on DADT. Next, during the BP debacle in the Gulf he once again stood at the podium used by people like Henry Clay, Sam Rayburn and Tip O'Neill to compare Obama to Hitler for forcing BP to commit funds to clean up their mess. Mr. Gohmert next came to our attention for his work as a Caribou advocate. Most recently, Mr. Gohmert left his house (always an activity fraught with danger) to venture to a local radio show where he discoursed on Libya:
What was all the rage a year and a half ago? It was the Arab Spring and how wonderful it was! This administration really embraced blowing out Mubarak – yes, do it up by all means – getting rid of Qaddafi, it wasn’t enough to send verbal accolades, this administration sent planes and bombs and support to oust Qaddafi so that al-Qaeda and the Muslim Brotherhood could take over Libya.
 So, for inflicting Louis Gohmert on the rest of us, we award you, the good people of the First Congressional District of Texas the designation of the Stupidest Place In America. Thank you, and particularly thanks to the 181 plus thousand of you who voted for this walking psychotic stew, you are living proof that in America paranoia is not a deal breaker.

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