OK Class, Open Your Books To Page 49 Or The Nice Policeman Will Shoot You

Frequent reader(s) of this blog will remember the bright and joyous melodies of their youth have turned dirge-like and melancholy with the passage of years...erm...we mean will remember that on several occasions we have written about our less than stellar record as inmates of our local educorporate training facility. Now, we would have been the first to admit to you that we weren't what anyone this side of a fifth of Jack Daniels and water, hold the water would have called a model student, but at least no once called us felons.

The charge on the police docket was "disrupting class". But that's not how 12-year-old Sarah Bustamantes saw her arrest for spraying two bursts of perfume on her neck in class because other children were bullying her with taunts of "you smell".

OK, now before you go getting all up on your high horse because the police arrested a 12 year old girl who was being bullied instead of the bullies, remember, this is an improvement over their former policy which is simply to shoot the kid.  Plus we also don't know if the bullies were acting on their religious principles when they bullied her either.

"I'm weird. Other kids don't like me," said Sarah, who has been diagnosed with attention-deficit and bipolar disorders and who is conscious of being overweight. "They were saying a lot of rude things to me. Just picking on me. So I sprayed myself with perfume. Then they said: 'Put that away, that's the most terrible smell I've ever smelled.' Then the teacher called the police."

If you're like us, right about now you're wondering what are the odds that an overweight misfit young women would be mistreated in a middle school setting. Well, we can tell you it might happen more than you think, which is why teachers receive specific and intensive training in dealing with these behavioral anomalies. We mean come on people. Teachers are college educated professionals, licensed by the state, well versed in the ins and outs of child development and maturation, classroom disciplinary techniques and proactive listening skills. Of course, the police have guns so why bother with all that touchy feely stuff? There's tests to prep for!

Sarah was taken from class, charged with a criminal misdemeanor and ordered to appear in court. Each day, hundreds of schoolchildren appear before courts in Texas charged with offenses such as swearing, misbehaving on the school bus or getting in to a punch-up in the playground. Children have been arrested for possessing cigarettes, wearing "inappropriate" clothes and being late for school.

 This may seem harsh to you, but in Texas they know that these students must be prepared for the job market. A job market where, if you aren't a guard, you must be a prisoner.

"We've taken childhood behavior and made it criminal," said Kady Simpkins, a lawyer who represented Sarah Bustamantes.

Well, sure it sounds bad when you say it like that, but look here's the deal. Kids are a net drain on the economy. They have to be fed, clothed, housed, they get sick and need to go to the doctor, and on and on and on. They're the classic welfare kings and queens, man. Take, take, take, and what to they give back? Bupkus. But try and ask them to do just a little for their own upkeep and it's like you spit on the flag or something. Well, the free ride's over in Texas, right boys?

The Texas state legislature last year changed the law to stop the issuing of tickets to 10- and 11-year-olds over classroom behavior. (In the state, the age of criminal responsibility is 10.)

Oh crap. You bunch of bleeding hearts. What's next, infant  nutrition assistance?

Friday Hound Blogging

I'm going to step out of character for a moment today to talk about the Skechers Superbowl commercial. You've probably heard about it. It's ostensibly about how Skechers shoes can make a little French Bulldog faster than racing greyhounds. It was filmed at Tucson Greyhound Park.

When word of the ad first leaked out greyhound rescue groups all over the country responded by attempting to get the company to reconsider. In this effort Grey2K became a rallying point, eventually organizing a boycott campaign when the company refused to kill the ad. You can read about that effort here.

The Skechers company responded by saying that no dogs were injured in the making of the commercial, and it was just meant to be a humorous bit of advertising fluff designed to sell their product. Elements from the greyhound racing industry rallied to the company arguing since no one had actually seen the commercial yet, no critique of it was appropriate.

All true. All completely irrelevant. Our concern isn't the greyhounds in the commercial, they have been rescued. It is their brothers and sisters in the kennels surrounding the Tucson track and at tracks all over the country we are concerned with. The Skechers commercial trivializes their suffering, obscures the abuse they endure and disrespects the fact that thousands of greyhounds are injured and die every year in the barbarous industry that is greyhound racing.

The company says its intent was just to give us a chuckle and get us to think about its sneakers, but I would ask Skechers CEO Michael Greenburg, if he would approve of a funny commercial about dog fighting? About bear baiting? You would say, those activities are illegal, but that greyhound racing is currently sanctioned in no way mitigates the pain a dog suffers as its leg is shattered in a race, the abuse it endures locked in a crate upwards of 22 hours a day on a bed of shredded newspaper in a dark kennel, or the suffering as it slowly starves to death because its owner has walked away.

The supporters of greyhound racing who sided with the Skechers company also missed the point, but they have raised missing the point to an art form. I have engaged many greyhound racing supporters over the years in a variety of arenas, and I've learned that from their perspective, the first rule of debating greyhound racing is don't talk about greyhound racing. Scan a section of comments to an article about greyhound racing, blogs, message boards, or letters to the editor and you will see that a discussion that starts out about the cruelty of greyhound racing very quickly becomes one about Nazis, starving children, vegetarianism, or any of a myriad of subjects, as long as it's not greyhound racing. This is to be expected I suppose. I'm a trained rhetorician and I would find myself hard pressed to mount a defense of an industry built upon the commodification and exploitation of innocent living creatures for profit--and not much profit at that.

I'm willing to accept that the Skechers company did not know about the reputation of the Tucson track when they chose it for filming, a reputation I've written about many times on this blog--specifically to this point, here and here--but now they do, and with knowledge comes responsibility. To refuse to acknowledge the misery that surrounded your commercial, Mr. Greenburg, is to tacitly accept it, and to accept those responsible for it.

This Saturday Grey2K is sponsoring a nationwide protest against the Skechers company. People will be in front of Skechers stores all over the country handing out fliers and explaining the horrors of greyhound racing. Whether you are the activist type or not you can participate by simply educating yourself on the plight of racing greyhounds. If there is any good to come out of the Skechers commercial it will be that it raised the profile of greyhound racing and allowed even more people to see it for the despicable practice that it is.

Jessica’s Smile is very affectionate and asks for attention. She is very playful and comical. She can be a little strong-willed. She is a very smart, quick learner. She does well in crate and will even go in it to take naps. She loves to go for walks and also does well in the car. She loves her stuffies. She is very inquisitive. She has learned to do the stairs and is learning basic commands. Jessica’s Smile would do well in a single person home or with a family. She would do well by herself or with other dogs in the home. She would do well in a home with well-behaved children. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Next Up: If Only They Hadn't Started Putting Floride In Water

We're coming to you today from the Inevitability Is Inevitable Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. I³ is a division of It's Not Passing The Buck If God Tells You To Do It, Inc. A Respect Ma Moral Authorataa Company.

Slooshing through the inter toobz this morning looking for Stoli specials when what to our wandering eyes should appear but: Bishop of Tenerife blames child abuse on the children.

Well, of course you do. So far you've blamed everything except frogs and the New England Patriots, so why not? In the interests of fair and balanced though, we're willing to watch as you make a logic pretzel in support of this rather pungent bit of rhetorical effluvia. Please. Do go on:

His comments were that there are youngsters who want to be abused, and he compared that abuse to homosexuality, describing them both as prejudicial to society. He said that on occasions the abuse happened because the there are children who consent to it.
‘There are 13 year old adolescents who are under age and who are perfectly in agreement with, and what’s more wanting it, and if you are careless they will even provoke you’, he said.

OK first, all 13 year old adolescents are under age, maybe that's where you got confused, but this whole "provoke" thing? Aren't you guys always telling us we need to resist our baser urges? Aren't we supposed to fight provocation towards immoral acts? And isn't that why we need people like you, because we are weak and you guys have had training in this area? Come on man, you're supposed to be the SEAL Team Six of resisting temptation. You're the professionals of  temptation resistance, the people we're supposed to aspire to be. And now you're telling us you got tripped up by a 12 year old who forgot to button his shirt all the way up? Dude, this is like the New York Yankees getting beat 10 zip by the north Little Rock Bayview Rest Home Seniors Coed softball team. Twice. You sure that's the argument you want to go with?

A later statement from the Bishop's residence on Tenerife explained that the Bishop did not intend to imply that ‘an event as condemnable as the abuse of youngsters’ could be justified.

 Oh. Well that clears it up.

One thing though padre. If kids are a source of temptation even highly trained professionals such as yourself can't resist, why are you always telling us to have more of them? Just asking.

An Egg Is A Chicken Fetus. You Can See The Logical Progression

We're coming to you today from the Solutions Looking for Problems Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. SLFP is a division of the Aren't You Glad You Voted For Me Now Company, in conjunction with This Is What Happens When You De-Fund Community Health Programs, Inc.

Now, usually we like to set the scene with a little introductory snippet of jocularity designed to place the item du jour in the proper context for your reading pleasure, but today we have to admit that try as we might we found no better way to say it than to just put it out there the way god put it on the page in the first place:

An Oklahoma lawmaker files a bill to ban the making and selling of food or products that use aborted human fetuses.

We'll give you a minute to let that sink it.

OK, by now your eyes have become somewhat crossed and you're feeling IQ points dripping away like water from a leaky faucet, so let us bring you back with this: That is not the stupidest thing that has ever been said by someone purporting to be sentient . The stupidest thing that has ever been said by someone purporting to be sentient is here, but we caution you, exposing yourself to two such instances of weapons grade, high energy, irradiated idiocy might just promote the growth of amyloid plaque on your brain. We recommend reading  this instead. Sort of a  calming mental cup of Camomile tea for your brain after if went over a waterfall trapped in a barrel full of moron.

Anyway, the author if this particular instance of full on, industrial strength mental vacuity is one Ralph Shortey who contends that the legislation is necessary because:

[H]e's done research and found reports that companies have used stem cells in the research and development of food.

In the interest of fair and balanced we have to say that we are not privy the the research that Mr. Shortey did, however we feel confident in saying that  whatever the resource, or resources, they did not adequately differentiate for our intrepid intellectual explorer the difference between a stem cell and a fetus.

“There is a potential that there are companies that are using aborted human babies in their research and development of basically enhancing flavor for artificial flavors," says Shortey.

We can forgive Mr. Shortey several of his shortcomings, up to and including the fact that he somehow managed to be born with opposable thumbs, but this...this is a bridge too far.  Aborted human babies enhancing flavor for artificial flavors? That's just silly. Everybody knows aborted human fetuses taste like chicken.

Also, too, Soylent Green Bitchez!!!

Wait Until They Find Out Numbers Are Called Arabic Numerals

We're coming to you today from the Department O' Book Learnin' here in the marbled halls of IM Central. DoBL is a division of the Readin' Is For Frenchies Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Education Must Confirm Our Prejudices, NA.

It seems the good people of Tennessee have taken it upon themselves to wrest the education of tomorrow's leaders from the east coast elite and return it to the backwoods and hollers where it rightfully belongs.

About two dozen tea party activists held a news conference, then met with lawmakers individually to present their list of priorities and “demands” for the 2011 legislative session.

"This whole educatin' the young'uns is gettin' outta hand," said Fayette County attorney Hal Rounds, the group’s lead spokesman. "The other day my daughter told me she hadda take a whole class in Al Gebra. First of all, when did the mooslims take over our schools, and secondly, why does the the law make girls go to school in the first place?"

Regarding education, the material they distributed said, “Neglect and outright ill will have distorted the teaching of the history and character of the United States. We seek to compel the teaching of students in Tennessee the truth regarding the history of our nation and the nature of its government.”

When asked what kind of "truths" were being withheld from students Rounds replied that, "for too long these northern, egghead, ivy league intellectuals have been doing "research," reading in the "archives" and studying "documents" about the Founding Fathers. Then they write all these "books" and "papers" and we're just supposed to believe what they say, but I think our kids should hear the real truth from patriots like Sarah Palin, or Pat Buchanan, or Glenn Beck. He's got his own school you know."

The material calls for lawmakers to amend state laws governing school curriculums, and for textbook selection criteria to say that “No portrayal of minority experience in the history which actually occurred shall obscure the experience or contributions of the Founding Fathers, or the majority of citizens, including those who reached positions of leadership.”

When asked to explain what that meant, Rounds pointed out that "it's a well known fact god gave the North American continent to white people. Now, I got nothin' against the duskier hues, but Manifest Destiny, man. It's right there in the bible.

Rounds said the group wants to address “an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance, the founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another.

"Intruding" on the Indians? So that's what they're calling it these days. Well, that is a better word,  we guess. Avoids giving northern, egghead, ivy league intellectuals the opportunity to make up criticisms about, you know things like the Sand Creek Massacre, or Wounded Knee, or the Yontoket Massacre, or the Achulet Massacre, or the Wiyot Massacre, or the Marias Massacre, or the, oh wait, sorry. We mean the Sand Creek, Wounded Knee, Yontoket, Achulet, Wiyot and Marias intrusions. Our bad.

“The thing we need to focus on about the founders is that, given the social structure of their time, they were revolutionaries who brought liberty into a world where it hadn’t existed, to everybody — not all equally instantly — and it was their progress that we need to look at,” said Rounds.

When it was pointed out that the Founding Fathers were greatly influenced English writers like John Locke and Thomas Hobbes and indeed Jefferson may have cribbed parts of the Declaration of Independence from the writings of Locke, Rounds replied that he knew for a fact that wasn't true because of a historical special hosted by Sean Hannity he had watched on Fox News.

Newt! Motto: For Those Who Think Loud Is Better Than Smart

We can't tell you the effort we go to around here to avoid knowing anything about the republican primary contests, or as we like to call it, the Unmedicated and Proud of it Tour. We're not sure what scares us more, the fact that these guys are out there without professional supervision, or the fact that people show up at their rallies and actually think they make sense.

Well, try as we might we couldn't seem to avoid learning that Newt won the South Carolina primary based on the fact that he yelled at John King, and Mitt lost it because of a glitch in his software. They think it had something to do with an apparent internal runtime conflict because the "Average Guy" sub routine interfered with the "I Flush My Toilet With Champagne" source code when he was asked about his taxes.

Anyway, it seems Newt became the voice of all those who think the comics have gotten too small and the Sudoku puzzles should be easier. Or something like that, we may not have the full nuance of their grievances quite in our grasp.

Now, we're not professional journalistic reporters or anything, but it would seem Mr. King was a little less that effective in his defense of his opening question, and by extension, his profession, so as a public service we are going to share a response that can be used by any reporter or news person who may have the temerity to ask Mr. Gingrich an unpleasant or uncomfortable question in the future. To wit:

Mr. Gingrich, please don't shoot the messenger. I'm not the serial adulterer here, you are, and my question goes to the point of would someone who has admitted to such a laundry list of character flaws and ethical shortcomings up to and including serial adultery as you have, have the requisite character that makes him the type of person we want to elect for our president. Please answer the question sir.

Oh, and Mr. King? Might want to see a doctor and get checked out for Low T or something. just a thought.

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the one certainty you can count on in this life is the advance and eventual triumph of entropy...erm...we mean know that we've been monitoring the decoupling situation in Florida which, because it contains 13 of the 22 remaining greyhound racing tracks in the country is like Mordor for the overlords, which we guess would make people like Carey Theil and Christine Dorchak hobbits which probably carries this little analogy a step or two farther than it should have gone.

 Well, the point is things are not looking good for the overlords.

"We need to remove these mandates,'' Rep. Dana Young said. "We need to stop propping up the greyhound-racing industry.''

Well, "propping up" is a pretty strong term, don't you think? 

Even at Derby Lane in Pinellas County, were people do turn out for the greyhounds, Derby Lane spokeswoman Vera Rasnake said some days are better than others. "It could be storming outside, it could be really, really something out of the ordinary, we'd still be forced to run the dogs in order to open the poker room," she said. Plus, the races cost both the card rooms and taxpayers quite a bit of money, as the tracks rely on nearly $5 million a year from the state.

 Oh sure it sounds bad when you say it like that, but look at all the state is getting for that $5 million.

"When you start thinking about the fact that you've got these animals running around the track, day in and day out, in the heat of the day, that many times, and you've got no one watching, it doesn't make any sense," said Rep. Dana Young, R-Tampa, referring specifically to the Bonita Springs track.

Um...well we were looking for something a little more upbeat there. You know, excitement, thrills, exhilaration, stuff like that. Of course if no one is watching it does kind of cut down on the whole we should keep doing this thing. What do you say Jack Cory, a spokesman for the Florida Greyhound Association?

If pari-mutuels were to stop racing altogether, Cory estimates $5 million in state revenue would be lost.

OK, we're not mathematicians or anything, but if you figure the state is giving you $5 million to stay in business, and you're giving them back $5 million in revenue that's like...ah...47...carry the 2...divide...yeah, that's like a wash, right Billy Bob?

 Billy Bob is a three year old who, as near as we can tell, never raced. He was born in West Virginia or Alabama or someplace down there. The overlords aren't really particular about records and such if the unit isn't profitable. For more information about these dogs, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Tennessee! Motto: If You're A Man Wearing A Skirt You Better Be A Scotsman

We're coming to you today from the Good News, Bad News Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. GNBN is a division of the Split The Difference Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Take What You Can Get, Inc.

Sen. Bo Watson on Thursday withdrew the Senate version of a controversial House measure requiring transgender people to use public bathrooms and dressing rooms that match their birth gender.

Well, what do you know? A state legislator that seems to have a fully functioning tolerance gland. And in Tennessee no less. Reason to hope that the American experiment can survive this current  spate of government of the voices in our heads, by the voices in our heads and for the voices in our heads? Ah, not so much. Look what he's up against: 

Rep. Richard Floyd introduced the bill after reading a news story about a Texas woman who said she was fired from Macy’s after stopping a male teen dressed as a woman from using a dressing room. “It could happen here,” Floyd said. “I believe if I was standing at a dressing room and my wife or one of my daughters was in the dressing room and a man tried to go in there — I don’t care if he thinks he’s a woman and tries on clothes with them in there — I’d just try to stomp a mudhole in him and then stomp him dry.

Now, for those of you who don't speak Bubba, we have to tell you representative Floyd is deadly serious in his threat. How do we know? Because he didn't end his little testosterone fueled chest thump with "Bless his heart." No matter how violent, how homophobic, racist or xenophobic something a hillbilly says is, if he or she ends the remark with "Bless his heart" they only mean it in the best way possible.

To further underscore the seriousness of representative Floyd's concern that the people crowding into his daughter's dressing room with her are not of the same gender, take a look at his photograph:

As you can see, aside from the ill fitting dentures, representative Floyd is a senior citizen with a bit of a paunch. In other words, his best mud hole stomping days are behind him, and if events were to compel him to engage in sustained mud hole stomping at this stage of his life, well, let's just say it wouldn't be long before we were entering the myocardial infarction zone, but it's a price he's willing to pay to assure the person in the stall next to his wife isn't swinging anything other than a purse if you get our meaning.

“Don’t ask me to adjust to their perverted way of thinking and put my family at risk,” he said. “We cannot continue to let these people dominate how society acts and reacts..."

Well put representative Floyd. If we let these people freely roam the street unharassed by the more manly elements of American society, what's next, unisex bathrooms? Skin care products for men? Hair gels? What are we, France?

Jonathan Cole of the Tennessee Equality Project dubbed it the “Police the Potty” bill.

 OK, OK let's not lose our perspective here. We mean, representative Floyd is only one guy--admittedly a guy with some issues--but only one guy with one Bill. To be sure a guy so manly even his name is Dick, but it's not like the Tennessee legislature is dealing with this sort of thing every day.

Cole accused state lawmakers of “proposing and passing some of the most homophobic and transphobic bills in the country — it is, after all, the state that passed HB600 stripping local jurisdictions of LGBT [lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender] antidiscrimination provisions.”

Well, yeah, there is that too.

He also cited two other pending bills, one that exempts schools from an antibullying law when students’ criticism is based on their religious beliefs. Critics call it the “license to bully” bill.

 Um...well...uh...

Another measure, dubbed as the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, prohibits teachers from discussing homosexuality in kindergarten through eighth-grade classrooms.

Oh crap. Is this a legislature, or a closet?

This Whole Religion Thing Would Work A Lot Better If Jesus Would Just Man Up a Little

Now here's a bit of ironicus for your maximus.

A three-judge panel of the 6th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals in Cincinnati is taking up the claim of three Michigan ministers that a federal hate crime law infringes on their First Amendment rights and should be declared unconstitutional.

Yes, you read that right. Three ministers, three men of god, three representatives of Jesus here on earth are suing to stop a law that makes hate illegal. Now, they work for a guy who said "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you"  so we wondered if they were like, not paying attention at orientation or something, but it turns out they don't really want it to be legal to hate just any old heathen, only some heathens.

The ministers say they could be targeted for their sermons against gay behavior.

OK, we're not theologians over here or anything, but this raises an interesting  question: Is it possible to be against something, or someone without actually hating it, or them? For example, we really don't like broccoli, but we don't hate it. We can sit at the same dinner table where it's being served and be polite while ignoring it all together. However, if someone asks us what we think about broccoli we'll tell them it tastes like shredded polypropylene,  but after voicing our opinion we go on with our day--as does, we suspect, our interlocutor--and broccoli itself is pretty much unaffected by our public discourse on the evils of florets and stems. Broccoli farmers, you're never going to get rich off of us, but if you feel the need to grow that stuff and plunk it down in the produce aisle, right between the cauliflower and the green peppers,  you can pretty much be assured that we're going to push our little squeaky wheeled cart right by it without even a passing glance. Sorry to be so blunt.

That being said, We have a theory as to why these three men of god feel the need to be protected from any legal blow back once they unleash the holy beat down on the homos--it's the old testament. See, in the old testament god's a manly man. Dude's opening up cans o' whupass all over the middle east. Step out of line and you can expect a face full of locusts, or frogs for in-laws. Now that kind of god appeals to a certain segment of the population--the segment with hair on its chest, man. The segment that's got a pair!. That's the kind of god you'd like to have a beer with.

Then along comes this Jesus guy and he's all love this and forgive that and don't judge the other thing. Where's the fun in that? We mean, if you're going to have the omniscient, omnipresent, undisputed ruler of the universe now and forever amen in your posse, shouldn't you be able to strike a little fear in the unbelievers? Shouldn't we at least be able to get some angels with flaming swords up in here?

No. Apparently 2000 years ago there was a change in policy. Maybe Yahweh decided you get more flies with honey than vinegar, or maybe Jesus managed to swing some votes on the board, who knows? Bottom line is our three reverends have, as we say, lost administrative support from the home office, so now they turn to the judicial system because somebody needs to render a serious butt kicking to the faggots and if the lord won't let you do the rendering, maybe Caesar will.

Friday Hound Blogging

Good morning class. Today we are going to study overlord social structure. Now, to the untrained eye, overlords appear to be a rather homogeneous group of semi-sentient parasites occupying a unique, but completely superfluous niche in modern civilization, much like smallpox, a remnant of an earlier, less advanced age, soon to be relegated to the dustbin of history.

But upon closer examination we find that there are indeed gradations within what passes for overlord society which, while rapidly degrading much as a the fecund pools born of the gentle spring rains turn into the fetid, cracked, barren dry holes under the merciless summer sun, still retain enough recognizable structure for study.

And it is to that rapidly festering dry hole of a society that we now turn our attention. At the bottom of overlord society are the breeders. These are the people who supply the "product" to the greyhound exploitation...excuse us...greyhound racing industry. These breeders reside on what are called "Farms" but in actuality are nothing more than puppy mills protected by outdated and illogical regulations, which by the way is a hallmark of regulations in the entire greyhound racing industry.

After the breeders come the owners and trainers. It is possible for an owner to be a trainer and vis versa, but often an owner is someone with the mental acuity of tap water who has somehow been convinced that investing in a unit...excuse us again...investing in a racing greyhound will somehow produce a monetary return, but as we have learned it mostly produces pain and death for the greyhound. Trainers are the class of overlord who supposedly "work" to prepare the greyhound for life as a racing unit, although as they like to say when the inherent cruelty of their  industry is pointed out to them greyhounds are "born to run" and "love to run" which causes one to wonder why they need a trainer.

Next are the track operators. They sit atop the overlord hierarchy because they own the land upon which greyhound racing takes place. They rent space to the trainers to house the dogs while at the track and thus like the feudal lords of old, control the destinies of the peasant classes, in this case made up of the breeders, owners and trainers.

Now we have set the stage for the current state of affairs in greyhound racing, in which, if we may continue our analogy, the lords of the manor have espied greener pastures and are coming to see the peasants as an obstacle to its attainment.

These are unusual allies, an organization devoted to ending greyhound racing and the industry itself. But a group aiming to shut down greyhound tracks has joined with the track owners on a piece of legislation that has wide support.The bill would “decouple” greyhound racing from other forms of gambling. Howard Korman, head of the Jacksonville Kennel Club, said in an interview that he does not oppose the bill.

 So class, as you can see, just as the rise of the trade and merchant classes marked the end of feudal times in the middle ages, so the rise of the poker room and slot machine will make exploiting innocent living beings for profit--if we may be permitted a little punnery--marks the end of this  futile endeavor called greyhound racing.

Hey, come on Dropkick. That was funny. Why you looking at us like that?

Dropkick is a three year old girl who ran her races (all 31 of them) in Alabama. She was victorious once so, you know, early retirement and all that. For more information about these dogs, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And The Lord Sayeth, "C'mere Mitt. Got Something For You"

Hey, we were over at Ed's place this morning and guess what? Better take that vacation early because the world is going to end on May 27th. And this time we don't have to take the particular prognosticator in question's word for it because he is showing his work.

God separated a segment of “time” that reflects the work of the Messiah over the past 2,000 years. Before Christ came to fulfill the role of our Passover, 4,000 years had passed. In reality, mankind has lived through a period of “time” and “times” (2,000 and 4,000 years) in God’s complete plan for 7,000 years. It is during the final “half-a-time” (1,000 years) that God will fully reveal His ways, truth, and power to all who will receive it. Through Christ (the Messiah), God will govern this world. We are entering the final transition from mankind’s self-rule to that of God’s rule.

X² + 2X -Y = RAPTURE BIOTCH!. Can't argue with math.Well, aside from the impending "period when the Trumpets of Revelation will finally be heard (witnessed and seen) throughout this world, along with the Thunders of Revelation that will progressively escalate" as the Monster Truck of Revelation draws closer, this got us to thinking about the upcoming, but obviously abridged presidential election.

Frequent reader(s) of this blog welcome the coming apocalypse...er...we mean may recall that in this particular quadrennial shin kicking contest there was no shortage of candidates called into the field by the lord. Now, it's a pretty safe bet that if god had to go through all that higher order math to figure out he was going to pull the plug on May27th, he's known that for a while and so when the three aforementioned supplicants approached him voicing their desire to rule the free world and he said "Sure. Go for it" the rest of his staff was all like "Oh man, he's yanking their chains again."

We're not so sure that's god's intent though. Oh sure it was fun to screw with Bachmann and Cain. We mean, a woman and a black man as god's chosen ones? Have they even opened a bible? And Santorum is just so whiny if he doesn't get his way that it's easier just to go along with him, but our thinking is the real target here is Mitt Romney.

See, we're pretty convinced god just doesn't like Mitt. We're not sure why, maybe it's the whole Mormon thing. You know god wants his people to believe some pretty strange things, but we're sure even he has limits. We mean, underwear? Really? Anyway, here's our evidence: Mitt's been trying to be president for quite a few years now and even though he's one of the most agreeable candidates around--and by that we mean he agrees to whatever you want him to agree to--even his own supporters can only drum up enough enthusiasm about him to point out that at least he's not as crazy as the rest of the pack. When you've got competition like Rick Perry and you still can't pull away, well, that's got to be god's doing.

But now it looks like Mitt will be the nominee and we see how god's plan is coming together. See, by May 27th all but six of the primaries will be over (come on--Utah on June 26? Do you have to ask?) and all the republicans should have pretty much given up hope that they're actually going to avoid having him as their nominee. For Mitt's part he going to be all like YEAH! Finally! After all those butts I kissed and all those commoners I had to pretend like I gave a rip about and all those times I lost track of what side of the question I was on, it has paid off at last. And I never did release my tax returns so all you proles would see I'm in the one percent of the one percent! Looking out for the working man my gold plated behind!

So Mitt is just settling into the cat bird seat and along comes Jehovah who says, "Sorry Mitt. Game over." Got to sting, that' all we're saying.

And you're thinking, "Come on Ironicus. Why not let Mitt get the nomination, win the election, then crush him like a bug?"

Yeah, right. Look even the guy's own supporters don't like him. You think he can win an election? Not without god's help and even though we weren't able to prove it mathematically, like the end of the world guy, we think we've adequately demonstrated  how the big fella feels about that.

You Say Those Are Sprinkles, But They Look Like Detonators To Me

Sometimes when we're slooshing around the inter toobz we run across a bit of flotsam so perfect, so all encompassing of our times, so inestimably spot on that we can't think of any way to improve on it. Such was the case today when we ran across this headline:

TSA defends confiscation of Mass. woman's cupcake

And that's pretty much all you need to know about the deranged security kabuki we call traveling by air these days isn't it? First of all, they confiscate the cupcake, secondly they defend the confiscation of said dessert item.

The TSA says in a blog comment posted Monday the cupcake was packed in a jar filled with icing, which is considered a gel under a policy designed to secure travelers from terrorists seeking to evade detection by using explosives made of plastics, liquids or gels.

"Look, you gotcher brownies, your cookies, your assorted sugary treats, we don't have a problem with those, but you go coverin' up some confection with a gel of unknown composition, well we just ain't going be puttin' the traveling public at risk like that," commented one TSA agent who asked not to be identified. "We want you to know the $8.1 billion you're spending on airport security is worth it. Plus sometimes we don't get a very long lunch break."

Ah, well that explains why the cupcake in question had to be confiscated. Of course when the bomb sniffing dog licked it, the lady really didn't want it back anyway.

Sleep well Americans. Sleep well in the knowledge that out on the cold and lonely ramparts of civilization the brave TSA agent stands between you and high calorie baked goods.

Friday Hound Blogging

Ah, the first FHB of the new year and what better way to start off  than with a visit to two of our favorite people, the Ever Delusional Gary Guccione, and Well Known Animal Rights Wacko Caryn Wood.

Now, for those of you watching at home, here's how it goes, a newspaper or tee vee station somewhere will run a story about greyhounds, most always something along the lines of greyhounds living in horrific conditions, or how greyhounds are regularly injured and killed, or how people who have souls are so aghast at the whole enterprise that even those as clueless as state legislators realize they've got to get out of the greyhound racing business.

In other words, for the overlords business as usual.

Now, this will prompt WKARW Caryn to pen a missive to the aforementioned newspaper or tee vee station in which she points out that you sort of have to expect this sort of thing is going to happen when living, breathing sentient creatures like, say for instance greyhounds are reduced to commodities whose only value is their ability to earn a couple of bucks for a class of so called people so bereft of compassion they make a black widow spider look like Mother Theresa.

So the letter gets published and eventually makes its way to overlord headquarters where one of the two staffers who can read brings it to the Ever Delusional Mr. Guccione. After it is explained to him that the author is showing greyhound racing in a less than positive light, he digs through his desk looking for the rumpled copy of talking points, he calls Things To Say When The Truth Gets Out which he usually finds under the self improvement CDs he listens to like "Embark on a Fascinating Career as a Parking Lot Attendant," or "From Busboy to Dishwasher: Climbing the Ladder of Success in the Restaurant Industry," grabs his dictionary and the Word-a-Day calendar and heads down to the local library to use their computers.

Which brings us to his latest effort which we reproduce for you below in its entirety:

A letter from Caryn Wood, board member of GREY2K USA, about greyhound racing was full of the misinformation and hyperbole for which that organization is famous (“Dogs are pawns,” Jan. 3 Letters to the Editor).
Almost 95 percent of all racing greyhounds are either adopted or returned to the farm when they retire. Between reduced breeding and increasing success with adoption programs, we hope to achieve the goal of 100 percent placement of all greyhounds suitable for adoption in the near future.
Wood distorted the facts on greyhound care as well. Racing greyhounds are among the best-cared-for animals in the world, because they must receive excellent care in order to perform at their best on the track. On the rare occasions when industry members fail in their obligation for responsible greyhound care, the penalties are harsh and long term. People who violate animal-care standards are banned from the sport for life, and others prohibited from doing business with them. That’s because we take greyhound welfare very seriously.
GARY GUCCIONE
Communications coordinator
American Greyhound Council
Abilene

Now, the first thing we notice about the letter is it's shorter than the E. D. Mr. G's usual rebuttal. This could be for one of two reasons: either the effort of trying to remember the correspondence between the letter on the key and the resulting letter that appears on the screen when you push the key is getting to be too much for him, or the library staff got tired of him messing up the screen with erasure marks every time he made a typing mistake and kicked him out. Or both, but let's talk a look at what he says.

He starts, unfortunately, with the math gambit. Oh, Mr. G. We've had this talk before. Mathematics is not your friend. In fact if you moved into the same neighborhood as mathematics, mathematics would move away in the night and not leave a forwarding address. Once, for Christmas, G was given a calculator, but he returned it soon after. When the clerk asked him what was wrong, he replied that it must be broken because he had tried on several occasions to call a pizza shop to order dinner and had not been able even to get a dial tone. The other thing you need to realize about mathematics, Mr. G is that if you want to end up with numbers that are, you know, true, you have to start with numbers that have some connection to reality...and...uh...you ain't got 'em. Even your fellow overlords know that.

No cumulative annual records are available that we're aware of on disposition, whelped, where they race, where they end up, etc.

Now, if you'd like we can set up a meeting between you and the overlord who wrote that, let's see, what's his name?  Oh yeah, that was you. Looks like you've got one too many voices in  your head again.

From here the E. D. Mr. G moves on to the issue of care and how "Racing greyhounds are among the best-cared-for animals in the world." Especially the ones who are crippled and blind. Then he gets to the big finish about how if an overlord is mean to his or her greyhound, that overlord is cast into the darkness from which they can never return. Well, unless it happens to be Herb "Dutch" Koerner or Ursula O'Donnell  then...ah...not so much.

On the bright side though, they take greyhound welfare very seriously. You can attest to that huh, Lady?

 Lady is outgoing, exuberant, very energetic, playful and puppy-like. She is affectionate. She will try to crawl into your lap to cuddle when you are sitting down. She likes to be near you. She wants to be petted all the time. She is very sweet—loves affection. She likes to play with toys and will sometimes throw her toys in the air. She likes to roll on her back.  Lady would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and older. Sometimes she plays rough with other dogs, so would do best with a young, energetic dog as her companion. She will bark when she is excited, so she may do best in a single family home. She would do best in a home with someone who knows about dog training because she is young and needs guidance and would probably be best in a home that would exercise her regularly. For more information about these dogs, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

KB Update:  Booyah! That didn't take long. KB finds a permanent couch in eastern Michigan. Welcome to the pet life, dude. Enjoy!

Next We Appoint Simon Cowell To The State Supreme Court

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the path to happiness is strewn with the IED's of despair...uh...we mean know that one of our favorite pastimes here in the marbled halls is to watch the frost build on the Stoli bottle as the crystal ambrosia within slowly dons her icy gown of forgetfulness...erm...we mean visit the various state legislatures around this once mighty nation and see what sort of jocularity we can uncover.

So here we are, having just witnessed the natural birth of a new annum and now legislatures around the country once again draw plucky citizen lawmakers back to state capitols to UNLEASH THE CRAZY!!! Or participate in that time honored tradition of government of the people, by the people and for the people. Whichever.

First out of the gate, Indiana.

An state senator in Indiana has proposed a new law punishing anybody who changes the lyrics to The Star-Spangled Banner. Vaneta Becker wants to impose a fine of $25 on singers who dare to improvise, extemporize or undermine the national anthem.

Ha! It's about time somebody criminalized Mariah Carey. She should have been locked up years ago. Look, the Constitution gives you freedom of speech, it don' say nothing 'bout no singing.

"I don't think the national anthem is something we ought to be joking around with," she said. "Singing our national anthem is a sign of gratitude to those who have served our country."

You tell 'em Vaneta. Look, we're not going to help those who served our country get jobs, or treat their PTSD, or help them transition back to civilian life in a way that preserves their family and relationships, and lord knows we're not going to stop having stupid, meaningless wars, so the least we can do is make sure some screecher doesn't get a hold of the anthem before a baseball game. 

Now that's some pretty forward looking legislation right there. We have to hand it to old Vaneta. We mean, she looks over the situation in Indiana, the poverty, the joblessness, the infrastructure and what does she see? The state cries out for harmony, man, harmony. Where is the Kingston Trio when you need them?

Not Only That, Solidarity Forever Is The School Fight Song

We're coming to you today from the Mouths Of Babes Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The MOB is a division of the Children Are Our Future Corporation in partnership with Public Schools Are Socialist Hotbeds, NA.

It seems a group of eight year olds in Virginia took a current events theme for a school event back in October and it has caused a dramatic uptick in the cacophony of voices in certain heads.

A song written and performed by area third graders has gone viral and has conservative bloggers nationwide outraged. The song, performed by Kid Pan Alley at Woodbrook Elementary School, is called "Part of the 99" and references the Occupy Movement. Conservative blogs are buzzing, discussing what they call "an indoctrinating sing-along" with an Occupy Message. In one blog, Weasel Zippers, writes "to have third graders sing about class warfare and rail against the one percent is evil and a violation of the trust parents put in them [schools]."

First of all, if you're going to call yourself "Weasel Zippers" you can't really expect to be taken seriously and second, unless living in your parents basement, working part time as a pizza delivery person and calling yourself "Weasel Zippers" suddenly qualifies as being in the one percent, you probably should reexamine your positions vs-a-vs income equality in this country.

Students write the songs and school officials are standing by the lyrics."They don't censor what the kids write. They don't shape what the kids write. It all comes out of the kids own mouths and the kids own words," said Albemarle County School Board Chair, Steve Koleszar.

Now, speaking as educational technicians ourselves we really have to say we understand some of Mr. Zippers' concern here. It has long been a fundamental precept in the more cognitively dissonant pedagogies that if you teach students to think, you can no longer control what they think about, hence the need to transmit to them only certain pre-approved curricular dogma such as the literal truth of the bible, philosophical aphorisms like might makes right, and social lessons such as everyone different from you is bad.

"Does this also include religious content of lyrics? Would it include profanity? Does the school at any point say this content is inappropriate for an eight-year-old?," questions Jefferson Area Tea Party Chair, Carole Thorpe.

Well, lord knows kids that age like nothing better than to talk about farts and boogers,  but it has been our experience that when you tell them adults will be listening they tend to clean up their act a little, at least until they get to high school.

"Just as I wouldn't promote a Tea Party song in a third grade class, I think the same is true for any song of political ideology." says Thorpe.

Hmm...You know Ms. Thorpe, you might want to rethink that. We've seen the way third graders spell, and we're thinking if your group and  a bunch of eight year olds got together they just might be able to help you out.

What Is The Sound Of One Mitt Talking?

We've been doing our best to avoid the Iowa caucus because, come on, seriously, Iowa? Iowa bears as much resemblance to the American electorate as the Kardashians do to the staff of the Large Hadron Collider. Still it does give members of our professional journalistic class the opportunity to write about stuff that's easy rather than stuff that's important, so it's been pretty hard not to find out that Newt made an eighth grader cry in Ottumwa, or how many churches invited Michele Bachmann to explain to them how she knows Jesus wrote the constitution. We often thought that in the midst of yet another "analytical" piece about Rick Santorum's strategy of driving his bus around to all 99 counties because, well, because there are 99 counties, we would have liked to have read one in depth story about why we should give a fig on a stick about any of it.

So when the inter toobz coughed up this story we thought finally, something that explains it all, at least as far as Mittbot is concerned. The headline captures it perfectly: "Romney Supporter Says Mitt’s China-Bashing Is Just Hot Air."

The small businessman who hosted and supports Mitt Romney here — and makes a healthy portion of his living outsourcing manufacturing work to China — has a message for his fellow businessfolk: Don’t worry, Romney’s tough talk on China is just that. Talk.

Now you're thinking wait a minute Ironicus, it can't be good when even your own supporters don't believe a word that you say. And we reply oh novices, do you not see the genius here? Do you not see the brilliance?

Look, long ago Mitt realized that standing on principle limited your options. It pushed you down a per-determined path. It was a cause and effect trap, man, an existential prison. And Mitt had an epiphany, an awakening to a simple universal truth: The Man Who Says Everything, Says Nothing.

This is the quest Mitt set out on years ago and while his opponents were the first to come to the conclusion that words coming out of Mitt's mouth had a half life in the femtosecond range, what this article confirms is that Mitt has finally achieved his quest:

Even his supporters don't believe anything he says.

He has reached the nirvana of nothingness, the pinnacle of pointlessness. He has become everything, and thus he has become nothing. It's like a totally zen campaign, man. Mitt is a walking, talking koan. He's the perfect candidate, completely without substance or form. He's beholding to no one because he's promised everybody everything. He can govern anyway he wants because he's supported every issue that he has opposed and opposed every issue that he's supported. He has become the empty vessel emptied. 

Cripes, and you guys thought he was a Mormon. Dude's the Buddha man, and we're all part of his dream...or maybe he's part of ours...