Thursday, January 12, 2012

And The Lord Sayeth, "C'mere Mitt. Got Something For You"

Hey, we were over at Ed's place this morning and guess what? Better take that vacation early because the world is going to end on May 27th. And this time we don't have to take the particular prognosticator in question's word for it because he is showing his work.
God separated a segment of “time” that reflects the work of the Messiah over the past 2,000 years. Before Christ came to fulfill the role of our Passover, 4,000 years had passed. In reality, mankind has lived through a period of “time” and “times” (2,000 and 4,000 years) in God’s complete plan for 7,000 years. It is during the final “half-a-time” (1,000 years) that God will fully reveal His ways, truth, and power to all who will receive it. Through Christ (the Messiah), God will govern this world. We are entering the final transition from mankind’s self-rule to that of God’s rule.
X2 + 2X -Y = RAPTURE BIOTCH!. Can't argue with math.Well, aside from the impending "period when the Trumpets of Revelation will finally be heard (witnessed and seen) throughout this world, along with the Thunders of Revelation that will progressively escalate" as the Monster Truck of Revelation draws closer, this got us to thinking about the upcoming, but obviously abridged presidential election.

Frequent reader(s) of this blog welcome the coming mean may recall that in this particular quadrennial shin kicking contest there was no shortage of candidates called into the field by the lord. Now, it's a pretty safe bet that if god had to go through all that higher order math to figure out he was going to pull the plug on May27th, he's known that for a while and so when the three aforementioned supplicants approached him voicing their desire to rule the free world and he said "Sure. Go for it" the rest of his staff was all like "Oh man, he's yanking their chains again."

We're not so sure that's god's intent though. Oh sure it was fun to screw with Bachmann and Cain. We mean, a woman and a black man as god's chosen ones? Have they even opened a bible? And Santorum is just so whiny if he doesn't get his way that it's easier just to go along with him, but our thinking is the real target here is Mitt Romney.

See, we're pretty convinced god just doesn't like Mitt. We're not sure why, maybe it's the whole Mormon thing. You know god wants his people to believe some pretty strange things, but we're sure even he has limits. We mean, underwear? Really? Anyway, here's our evidence: Mitt's been trying to be president for quite a few years now and even though he's one of the most agreeable candidates around--and by that we mean he agrees to whatever you want him to agree to--even his own supporters can only drum up enough enthusiasm about him to point out that at least he's not as crazy as the rest of the pack. When you've got competition like Rick Perry and you still can't pull away, well, that's got to be god's doing.

But now it looks like Mitt will be the nominee and we see how god's plan is coming together. See, by May 27th all but six of the primaries will be over (come on--Utah on June 26? Do you have to ask?) and all the republicans should have pretty much given up hope that they're actually going to avoid having him as their nominee. For Mitt's part he going to be all like YEAH! Finally! After all those butts I kissed and all those commoners I had to pretend like I gave a rip about and all those times I lost track of what side of the question I was on, it has paid off at last. And I never did release my tax returns so all you proles would see I'm in the one percent of the one percent! Looking out for the working man my gold plated behind!

So Mitt is just settling into the cat bird seat and along comes Jehovah who says, "Sorry Mitt. Game over." Got to sting, that' all we're saying.

And you're thinking, "Come on Ironicus. Why not let Mitt get the nomination, win the election, then crush him like a bug?"

Yeah, right. Look even the guy's own supporters don't like him. You think he can win an election? Not without god's help and even though we weren't able to prove it mathematically, like the end of the world guy, we think we've adequately demonstrated  how the big fella feels about that.


A World Quite Mad said...

I'd photoshop one of the WBC members holding a "God Hates Mitt" sign but it's late.

scripto said...

I believe America™ is experiencing what is known as a "leveraged buyout". Prepare to be RIF'd.