Not Only That, Solidarity Forever Is The School Fight Song

We're coming to you today from the Mouths Of Babes Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The MOB is a division of the Children Are Our Future Corporation in partnership with Public Schools Are Socialist Hotbeds, NA.

It seems a group of eight year olds in Virginia took a current events theme for a school event back in October and it has caused a dramatic uptick in the cacophony of voices in certain heads.

A song written and performed by area third graders has gone viral and has conservative bloggers nationwide outraged. The song, performed by Kid Pan Alley at Woodbrook Elementary School, is called "Part of the 99" and references the Occupy Movement. Conservative blogs are buzzing, discussing what they call "an indoctrinating sing-along" with an Occupy Message. In one blog, Weasel Zippers, writes "to have third graders sing about class warfare and rail against the one percent is evil and a violation of the trust parents put in them [schools]."

First of all, if you're going to call yourself "Weasel Zippers" you can't really expect to be taken seriously and second, unless living in your parents basement, working part time as a pizza delivery person and calling yourself "Weasel Zippers" suddenly qualifies as being in the one percent, you probably should reexamine your positions vs-a-vs income equality in this country.

Students write the songs and school officials are standing by the lyrics."They don't censor what the kids write. They don't shape what the kids write. It all comes out of the kids own mouths and the kids own words," said Albemarle County School Board Chair, Steve Koleszar.

Now, speaking as educational technicians ourselves we really have to say we understand some of Mr. Zippers' concern here. It has long been a fundamental precept in the more cognitively dissonant pedagogies that if you teach students to think, you can no longer control what they think about, hence the need to transmit to them only certain pre-approved curricular dogma such as the literal truth of the bible, philosophical aphorisms like might makes right, and social lessons such as everyone different from you is bad.

"Does this also include religious content of lyrics? Would it include profanity? Does the school at any point say this content is inappropriate for an eight-year-old?," questions Jefferson Area Tea Party Chair, Carole Thorpe.

Well, lord knows kids that age like nothing better than to talk about farts and boogers,  but it has been our experience that when you tell them adults will be listening they tend to clean up their act a little, at least until they get to high school.

"Just as I wouldn't promote a Tea Party song in a third grade class, I think the same is true for any song of political ideology." says Thorpe.

Hmm...You know Ms. Thorpe, you might want to rethink that. We've seen the way third graders spell, and we're thinking if your group and  a bunch of eight year olds got together they just might be able to help you out.

The Founding Fathers Wanted Us To Die Young

Hey we're already having presidential debates. Well, the republicans are getting together and doing PSA's on the dangers of going off your medications which is what passes for presidential debates with them. We totally missed the ones they've had so far which is OK we guess since they're going to have 14,632 of them. Actually we missed the one last night, but we did see that at least one reporter showed up for it and wrote a story.

Here's something that surprised us, Ron Paul is running for president. Again. Doesn't this guy have any hobbies? Well, on the bright side at least he showed up in a suit and not a robe and slippers with a garden hose ready to squirt the Romneybot every time he said he came from a business background.

Here's another thing that surprised us: Wolf Blitzer is still alive. He was the "moderator" which means he got to ask questions and then sit there waiting for the commercial break while the participants babbled on incoherently. One of the questions he asked grandpa Paul was what would he do for an uninsured guy who got sick. We're thinking, doesn't Wolf know the dude is a gynecologist? He's not going to be able to help some sick guy. We figured Paul would say something like do a Pap smear, or give the man some Midol or something. Instead he said freedom was all about taking risks.

What the heck does that even mean?  Does he think people go down to the Contagion Casino and gamble with their health? OK, We're going all in for living until we're 90, but if we lose it's pancreatic cancer at 66.

And that's not the weirdest thing. When he said that the audience applauded. The only way that makes sense is if those people are programed to applaud every time they hear a word like freedom or a phrase like we the people, sort of like at IM Central when the greyhounds come running every time they hear the can opener.

Well, it wasn't time for a commercial break yet and Wolf has trouble keeping track of all the wars we're in, so instead of the foreign policy question he was supposed to ask, he followed up with grandpa Paul and tried to find out he he would just let the guy die. Before Paul could answer the crowd went wild shouting "Yeah," applauding and hooting like frat boys at a porno.

Later, Rick Perry said he wouldn't wait for the guy to die, but would execute him on the spot.

Milkbones: The Muslim Secret Weapon

We're coming to you today from the Yeah, Whatever Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. YW is a division of the Heard It All Before Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Tell Me Something I Don't Know, Inc.

By now you've all heard about the Bubbas being taken to the fainting couches because the dirty mooslims want to reconstruct Mecca in Lower Manhattan so they can snatch women off the streets and dress them in Burkas made of the Constitution while the men are shipped off to FEMA camps, forced to grow beards and eat falafel three times a day until they become suicide bombers.

Frankly, we're a little confused by all this since the Bubbas hate New York City almost as much as they hate Musselmens, what with it being the capitol of liberal, elitist, latte drinking Birkenstock wearing ,college graduates and all. Plus, the Yankees.

Guess they figure it's easier to hate people than places. Anyway it turns out the movement has gone national because now wherever the Ali Babbas try to get out of the rain, there you will find the followers of Christ laying that good old bible smackdown on them. Old testament style.

Plans to build a permanent mosque near two existing Temecula churches are expected to be the target of an organized protest next week.

Man. Talk about there goes the neighborhood. Got old Allah moving in right next door to Jesus, Mary and Joseph like this is some sort of affirmative action suburb or something.

An e-mail alert sent to area newspapers last week announced that a one-hour "singing – praying – patriotic rally" at the Islamic Center’s existing facility. The advisory – sent by a leader of a conservative coalition that has been active with Republican and Tea Party functions – recommended participants "bring your Bibles, flags, signs, dogs and singing voices."

OK, the my god is better than your god peeing contest we can understand. Seen that lots of times before. But, dogs?

It suggested that rally participants bring dogs because Muslims "hate dogs."

 Look pal, if you want to go through life an ignorant bigot fine, but let's not go dragging the pooches into this. Besides, Muslims don't hate dogs. Check it:

The historian William Montgomery Watt states that Muhammad's kindness to animals was remarkable for the social context of his upbringing. He cites an instance of Muhammad posting sentries to ensure that a female dog with newborn puppies was not disturbed by his army traveling to Mecca in the year 630.

According to one story, Muhammad is said to have informed a prostitute who had seen a thirsty dog hanging about a well and given it water to drink that Allah forgave her because of that good deed.

Got to believe old Muhammad wouldn't have been a big fan of greyhound racing too. Dude talked to animals:

In one account, a camel is said to have come to Muhammad and complained that despite service to his owner, the animal was about to be killed. Muhammad summoned the owner and ordered the man to spare the camel.

OK, stop us if you've heard this one...Muhammad and St. Francis of Assisi walk into a bar with a talking camel...

Well, the point is we've long gotten used to people hiding their hate behind the mask of religion. In fact, if we were more mathematically inclined we might even be able to discern the value of the inverse proportion between tolerance and  religiosity, but what's really grinding our gonads is these  cementheads want to take dogs, who will basically like anybody who gives them a scratch or a biscuit and use them to advertise their owners narrow minded xenophobia.

Hey Billie Bob, what's this do to your theory?

Got to feel sorry for dogs owned by people that stupid, don't you?

We'd Have A Fireside Chat, But Homeless Bankers Stole The Firewood

President George W. Bush warned that the United States was in the middle of a serious financial crisis that could push the economy into a long-term recession if the government did not act to ensure that the nation would be pushed into a cataclysmic depression instead. When asked what his first clue that the economy was in trouble was, the president replied that Cheney was refusing to return from his overseas trip to Europe. "I knew something was up when I called his undisclosed location and was told he was at another undisclosed location, Bush said.

In a televised address aimed at persuading the public to support a $700 billion financial bailout ultimatum to Congress, Bush said his "natural instinct" was to ignore problems until his dad solved them, but "Poppy hasn't been returning my phone calls."

"I believe companies that make bad decisions should be allowed to go out of business," Bush said. "Unless of course they're companies I'm running. That's where the Saudis come in."

Bush cited markets that were not functioning properly, a widespread loss of confidence and major financial sectors at risk of shutting down. More financial distress could lead more banks to fail, the stock market to drop further, businesses to close, job losses and home values to drop, Bush said. "Now, for me that's just another day at the office, but my advisers tell me the American people aren't used to failure on that scale," he added.

Less than two hours before the speech, Bush telephoned Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama and invited him to the White House for a meeting with congressional leaders and Republican nominee John McCain on the financial bailout package. Obama accepted and McCain had already said he would abandon his campaign and return to Washington to help work on the bailout. "It's not like I'm getting anywhere convincing voters I'm not a drooling pervert using the campaign to try and cope a feel on a woman young enough to be my great granddaughter," McCain said.

Later his office issued a clarification that his campaign was temporarily suspended, not abandoned. Except for the parts that weren't.

The Bush administration and Congress have been trying to hammer out an agreement on a plan that would allow the government to step in and take bags of financial crap from shaky Wall Street firms to dump on American taxpayers, thus reducing the possibility that "Financial Experts" would have to pay for having all the professional judgement of a bag of peat moss.

The unprecedented bailout has met skepticism and anger from lawmakers who argue that the administration's proposal should not just be rubber-stamped. But they have also avoided suggesting they would block the plan for fear of spooking the markets. "The last thing we need is for people to lose faith in the markets," said Senator Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader. "Oh wait, that's what this crisis is all about isn't it? I've got to start paying more attention at meetings."