Be that as it may, however, we found ourselves irresistibly drawn to the image of the pope standing on his balcony in his red shoes, wearing the drapes, his best Gandalf hat and shouting at the anglicans "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"
Pope Benedict took a major step to make it easier for disaffected anglicans who feel their church has become too inclusive to get hip to his posse. "The pope's representatives will visit parishes that want to join and show converts the secret catholic handshake," said a vatican spokes
The move comes after years of discontent in some sectors of the 77-million-strong worldwide anglican community over the ordination of women priests and homosexual bishops. "Say what you will about catholics," said one disaffected anglican. "A least their women know their place, and their homos are in the closet. It's what god wanted religion to be."
The vatican said the pope had approved a document known as "Pope Says You Gotta Do It" to accept anglicans who want to join catholicism, either individually or in bingo teams, while maintaining some of their own traditions. "Article I Section 1 of the document specifies who in the vatican gets your bank account routing numbers," said a spokesman for the pope's office of Making Nice to Whack Churches. "After that we're pretty flexible."
It marks perhaps the clearest and boldest institutional step by the Vatican to welcome disaffected Anglicans into the fold since King Henry VIII broke with Rome and set himself up at the head of the new Church of England in 1534. "Well, we figure if we'd sold divorces as cheaply back then as we sold indulgences, there wouldn't be an anglican church in the first place, so it's sort of like a homecoming," said one cardinal who asked not to be named.
The Pope Says You Gotta Do It seeks to balance on the one hand the concern to preserve the worthy anglican liturgical and spiritual patrimony and, on the other hand, the concern that these groups and their clergy will be "treated like a red headed step child at the family reunion," the Vatican said.
Anglicans will find it easier than before to join the catholic church because the baptists don't want them and the lutherans didn't return their phone calls. "We thought about approaching the Dali Lama," said one anglican bishop. "But who wants to learn that crazy Chinaman lingo? Latin's bad enough."
The new regulations, due to come into effect soon, will not affect the catholic church's policy of hiding its own priests who diddle the choirboys. But they will continue the age-old practice of allowing a married anglican priest who converts to remain married. "We're hoping if those anglican guys are getting a little taste now and then they'll be a little more likely than our guys to keep it in their pants." said one vatican spokesman. "We don't need anymore trouble in the perv department if you get my drift."
Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, spiritual leader of the worldwide Anglican communion, told a news conference in London that he did not see the Vatican move as "an act of aggression" or vote of no confidence, but part of a routine relationship between the two Churches. "You should have seen the load of fish eaters we picked up after vatican II," he said. "Man, the Babushkas came running to us like it was free rosary night or something."
"This is not a comment on the life of the Anglican Communion. This is a response to people who came forward," said Vincent Nichols, the Archbishop of Westminster and head of the Catholic Church in England and Wales. "If those chumps want to go all women's lib on their congregation, who are we to complain? Hey anglicans, don't want to watch a bunch of bras burn, or go to mass with the swishy set? Come on over to Papa Bene's place. First three Latin lessons are free!"
’)