Monday, October 19, 2009

And Jesus Said Unto His Disciples "Do I Have To Draw You Guys A Picture?" And It Was So

Well, here we are careening around the 3/8 pole and heading into the turn for home in the run of this old year. October is the Irish month of Deireadh Fomhair. We're not sure why we know that, but we think it has something to do with a fellow we met in an adult beverage establishment one time. He was Irish, or maybe he wasn't. In fact the whole thing could be a figment of our imagination, or as the republicans say, reality.

And speaking of the real and not real, October also marks the opening skirmishes in the WAR ON CHRISTIANS Bitchez!!!11!!eleventy!.

Erm...we mean the War On Christmas. See, because it's Halloween and all, the pagans, or the atheists, or the socialists, or sodomites, or Yankee fans, or somebody comes out to slap around the baby Jesus and make the pope cry. We may be missing a few details there.

But not this year, you Sol Invictus believing, Festivis loving, Obama voting, reading is fundamental god mockers because the Right Reverend Pastor Billie Bob Bubba Cletus Marc Grizzard is about to GET ALL UP IN SATAN'S GRILL!!!11!!double eleventy!

A Baptist Church near Asheville, N.C., is hosting a "Halloween book burning" to purge the area of "Satan's" works. "Why do you think Jesus called us his flock?" the Right Reverend Billie Bob Bubba Cletus said. "We're sheep. Can you get any dumber than sheep?"

Hmmm...That is a point Mr. Right Reverend sir. So what books are you going to burn? My Two Dads? Heather Has Two Mommies? The Audacity of Hope? Green Eggs And Ham? The Yellow Pages?

Church leaders deem Good News for Modern Man, the Evidence Bible, the New International Version Bible, the Green Bible and the Message Bible, as well as at least seven other versions of the Bible as "Satan's Bibles," according to the website.

Satan wrote bibles? Ah, that explains the Gideons. And all this time we thought he was just into producing and stuff. That's where the money is. Anyway, is there any book you like Mr. Right Reverend Pastor Billie Bob Bubba Cletus?

"I believe the King James version is God's preserved, inspired, inerrant and infallible word of God," Pastor Marc Grizzard told a local news station of his 14-member parish.

OK, first of all, you obviously didn't get the memo, and second, we feel obligated to tell you, Mr. Right Reverend Pastor sir, that 14 people isn't a parish, it's a bunch of crazy people waiting for a bus on a route that's no longer being serviced.

The website for the Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, N.C., says there are "scriptural bases" for the book burning.

Wait. The bible, which is a book, contains passages on why it's proper to burn books? Isn't that a little self defeating?

The event also seeks to destroy "Satan's music" which includes every genre from country, rap and rock to "soft and easy" and "Southern Gospel" and "contemporary Christian."

Oh please let Nickelback be in there somewhere.

Grizzard's parish website explains that the Bible is the "final authority concerning all matters of faith and practice," for Amazing Grace Baptist Church. In the Parish doctrinal statement, Grizzard expounds that "the Scriptures shall be interpreted according to their normal grammatical-historical meaning, and all issues of interpretation and meaning shall be determined by the preacher."

Yeah, uh, we're not sure what "grammatical-historical" means, but we are told the Right Reverend Pastor Billie Bob Bubba Cletus knows because he always got A's on his English homework in seventh grade (the last grade he completed before the lord called him to work in the Piggly Wiggly) and they were totally not done by his sister so let's put that rumor to rest right now and never mind asking her because she won't tell.

Church leaders' website notes they will be providing "bar-b-que chicken, fried chicken and all the sides" at the book burning.

Plus Clowns!

Uh...We know what you're thinking and just never mind going there. The clowns will be wearing costumes so you can tell them from the parishioners. You know, orange hair, red noses, stuff like that.


Anonymous said...

The only way these kind of "people" get any attention at all is through the smoke and aroma of BBQ's. That and the free "'slaw" can bring in at least six devoted followers.
Add the bonfire for the books, and some roasted marshmellows, you got an even dozen.

Anonymous said...

Well, that's what happens when you advertise like this:
"Exciting Worship and Study Groups" and nobody comes.( That was their "old ad".)
Now, you dress up in hoods, and clowns and have a
"Satanic book burning", PLUS a BBQ?
Are you kidding?
It's an all- nighter.
What else you going to do in Canton?

Anonymous said...

Signs around the Bonfire to Try and Interpret:

"No Halloween Satin"

"Halloween is for Hethuns"

"Burn Devils, Burn Witchez, Burn Loosifurs"

"Time to Prey"

Anonymous said...

I just want to know if they are going to use all the snakes that they got up there? You can draw a truckload of members if you get them all hopping around and chanting.
Everybody brings their own bag full.
If they're not perky, in the fires they go!

Anonymous said...

Bet the sister fired him from Piggly Wiggly.

Anonymous said...

The infallible word of "god" can't get any better than that. Especially if you have a tornado of crazy, animated people. Fire and smoke is great for the backdrop.

Anonymous said...

Does the music like "There's a Hole in the Bucket", get burned , too?
That's REALLY self-defeating.

A World Quite Mad said...

They're going to burn Bibles and maybe Nickelback? ...and nothing of value was lost. j/k LOL

BTW, there aren't any Piggly Wigglys in the Asheville area. Maybe he worked for Ingles. A company, founded by a god-fearing man, that likes to discriminate against women and reportedly hired people to oppose other grocery chains at city hall meetings.

And why is it I can hear Billy Bob Bubba Cletus' accent when I read this?