Friday Hound Blogging

Now, generally we don't read the comments to our posts because, frankly you folks are FREAKIN' WEIRD!

We kid.

Actually we do take a jaunt through your thoughts from time to time, but, as you may surmise, researching, planning, composing, editing and revising the posts that appear before you each time is exhaustive work and takes much of our energy and attention.

Or we could just make the whole thing up, then break out the Stoli.

We'll leave that particular determination to you. Our point is that in a recent foray into the fecund jungle of comments we discovered that we have upset overlord Doug Pizzi of the group fighting to keep greyhound racing a continuous drain on the finances of the state of Massachusetts.

We can certainly understand the nature of Mr. Pizzi's distress. We mean, here he is, trying to save an unprofitable and inhumane institution with a long history of pain , suffering and loss in the state and we come along and point out that right next door in Rhode Island, they're doing everything they can to get out from under the crushing financial burden that Mr. Pizzi is working so hard to preserve.

A financially troubled slot parlor seeking bankruptcy protection will pay $5 million as it attempts to end the last greyhound races in Rhode Island because the sport is costing the track money, attorneys said. "Actually we'd pay pretty much anything to get these losers out of here so we can get slots," the attorney added.

Perhaps Mr. Pizzi has made a tactical error. He's fighting to keep unit exploitation going in Massachusetts, while in Rhode Island, they're paying to make it go away. Food for thought there, Mr. Pizzi sir. Just saying.

“If the settlement agreement is approved, it completes a key step towards enhanced financial viability of the facility, helping to preserve key revenue for the state of Rhode Island,” Twin River spokeswoman Patti Doyle said in a written statement. "The more distance we can put between us and dog racers, the better chance we have to make this place a go," she added.

Again, seeing an emerging theme here Mr. Pizzi?

As part of the deal, Carcieri asked state lawmakers to repeal a law forcing Twin River to offer 125 days of greyhound racing. Wagering on the races has plummeted from $150 million in 1990 to $13 million.

In case you're wondering, Mr. Pizzi, $13 million is less than $150 million. Way less. Shoot, even you can figure that out, huh Dream?

Dream is a friendly, easygoing boy. He likes to hang out wherever people are in the house. He gets excited when people come home, but calms quickly. He is a bit of a thief and likes to sneak bits of laundry or towels and prance around the house with them to show his foster family he has found something he thinks is special. Dream has a glossy black coat with reddish tones in it—he is a very handsome boy and will make someone very happy! He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Dream would do well in a working family with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. He needs to be in a single family home, as he is a little vocal when first left alone. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

South Carolina! Motto: Hey, We're No Crazier Than The Scientologists

What is it about South Carolina? We mean, this state has been Bonkazoid Central almost since before it was a state. They were the last state to let voters actually, you know, vote; then there was that whole nullification thing, followed by Fort Sumter--or Sumpter which may have marked the historical beginning of the wingnuts love/hate relationship with spelling--then after Honest Abe laid the smackdown on the rebels, South Carolina conveniently forgot to enfranchise over 400,000 free blacks, the largest number of any formerly confederate state.

Fifteenth Amendment? Oh, you were serious about that? OK, our bad.

And do we have to tell you about Governor Mark "Appalachian Tail" Sanford, or Joe "Who needs medication?" Wilson?

Didn't think so.

So now we have deputy assistant attorney general Roland Corning who recently fled from police in a car full of sex toys and a stripper.

Or, as they call it in South Carolina, lunch.

Corning, a former state legislator, was in a secluded part of a downtown cemetery when an officer spotted him, according to a police report. The officer stated that he decided to ignore the "If this van is a rockin' don't come a knockin'" bumper sticker when he heard a male voice shouting "Who's your prosecutor now baby! Come on say it! Say it!"

As the officer approached, Corning sped off, then pulled over a few blocks away when an inflatable sheep obstructed the his view. He and the 18-year-old woman with him, an employee of the Platinum Plus Gentleman's Club, gave conflicting stories about what they were doing in the cemetery. "Mr. Corning insisted he had brought the woman to the cemetery as part of a historical tour of famous South Carolina dead people who like to schlup the darkies," Officer Michael Wines wrote. "The woman said they were playing gravedigger and the lonely widow."

Corning gave Wines a badge showing he worked for the state Attorney General's Office. Wines, whose wife also works there, called her to make sure Corning was telling the truth.

Ruh Ro. That can't be good.

Corning and the woman were let go without charges.

Well, of course they were let go without charges. In South Carolina, fleeing from the police is allowed as long as you don't endanger public safety by driving with an inflatable sheep blocking your view. It's a well known state statute.

Wines' wife reported the call to her supervisor, who told Attorney General Henry McMaster.

Pesky wimmins. See, we told you the Nineteenth Amendment was a bad idea, which is why it wasn't ratified in South Carolina until August 22, 1973.

"We received credible information about inappropriate behavior" McMaster said. "And by the close of business, he was no longer working here." Such a trip to the cemetery "would not be appropriate, at any time, for an assistant attorney general," McMaster said. "Why do you think they make motels?"

Well, that is a point sir.

In a related story, the Platinum Plus Gentleman's Club announced they had hired a new corporate counsel.

Scientology! Motto: Hey, We're No Crazier Than The Mormons

In the spirit of the impending All Hallows Eve we're coming to you today from the Department of Couch Exorcism. The DoCE is a wholly owned subsidy of the When Good Actors Make Bad Movies Corporation, a Division of the Evil Warrior Demons LLC.

And what, in this season of ghosts and goblins could have caught our eye, you ask? Was it the angel or the demon, the pirate or the nurse, the law enforcement officer, the witch, the fairy, the...uh...where were we?

Oh yeah, Churches. It seems the Church of Scientology has "hit a rough patch."

Right, so we're thinking how could things get worse for a "Church" whose central tenet is that Xenu, the dictator of the "Galactic Confederacy" brought billions of his people to Earth in a spacecraft 75 million years ago, stacked them around volcanoes and killed them by making them watch reruns of Welcome Back Kotter?

Now, before we go on, for those of you getting out the phonebook and looking for the nearest Scientology location, that's XenU, not XenA, although truth be told, we always like Gabrielle better. Mmm...Gabby we've been very very bad. Why don't you bring that stick over here and..What? Oh, sorry. Lost our train of thought. Is it hot in here?

What was our point? Oh, yeah, how things could get worse for a church whose major deity is a cartoon character. Well, being declared a fraud by French judges for one, although you'd think that would be a little anti-climatic after the volcano thing, but it appears the judges were not amused by some of the church's practices:

The judge in Paris ordered the Church of Scientology to pay a €600,000 fine (roughly US$900,000) and sentenced its French leader to two years in prison along with a €30,000 fine (US$44,000) for "organized fraud." France refuses to acknowledge the group as a religion and views it as a profit-generating commercial organization.

Say what you will about them Frenchies, they know a profit-generating commercial organization when they see one. That's why Ken Copeland and Joyce Meyer have never been to France.

And as for "organized fraud?" Well, nobody does it better than Deus Pater. Just ask Rowan Williams. He got an offer he couldn't refuse.

Simple Answers To Simple Questions

Our slow friends at Politico have stumbled across a dilemma. Well, at least what passes for a dilemma at Politico. For the rest of us it's sort of like trying to figure out what to do when we want to cross the street and the light turns green.

Anyway, after exhaustive analysis of media coverage, extended, detailed interviews with relevant experts and several changes in their prescriptions they have decided that President Obama is being treated differently than president Bush and dad gummit they want to know why.

Calm down, calm down little Politco people, your uncle Ironicus is here to help you out. Let's take your concerns one at a time shall we?

A four-hour stop in New Orleans, on his way to a $3 million fundraiser.

Ah, well, here's the difference: At least Obama stopped and didn't just fly over on his way to McCain's birthday party.

Snubbing the Dalai Lama.

What? You think Obama was afraid the Dalai Lama would ask for his kata back? Besides, you've got it backwards. It was the Dalai Lama who snubbed Bush.

Signing off on a secret deal with drug makers.

Umm...you mean the deal he didn't do?

Freezing out a TV network.

Yeah. A network jokes about killing you and then gets upset when you become a tad peevish about it. Well, it's not like they were wearing anti-Obama T-shirts or anything.

Doing more fundraisers than the last president. More golf, too.

Well, you got us on that one. Everybody knows president Bush gave up golf out of respect for the people who lost body parts and stuff because he started a war for no apparent reason. And as for the fund raising...well, funny you should bring that up...

What’s remarkable is what hasn’t happened. These episodes haven’t become metaphors for Obama’s personal and political character — or consuming controversies that sidetracked the rest of his agenda.

OK, let's make sure we understand this. In the great scheme of things, playing more golf than Bush: Big Controversy. Starting two wars, Wrecking the Economy, Weakening Environmental Laws, Stuffing the Government with Inept Toadies, etc., etc., etc., Not so much. We about got that right?

Indeed, Bush got grief for secret meetings with the oil industry, politicizing the White House and spending too much time on his beloved bike.

OK, here's something for you to do before you write another article like this one. Play a little game called one of these things is not like the others."

No need to thank us.

Hi. My Name Is Bob, But You Can Call Me Alejandro Carlito Domingo Bolivar

We're coming to you today from the Pat Buchanan School of Management Science here on the south campus of IM Central. PBSMS is located across the quad for the Genghis Khan Center for the Study of International Diplomacy, right next to the Richard M. Nixon Foundation for Ethical Studies. It seems one of our graduates is in the news.

Larry Whitten marched into this northern New Mexico town in late July on a mission: alienate as many people as possible in the shortest amount of time. The socially inept former Marine immediately laid down some new rules. Among them, he forbade the Hispanic workers at the run-down, Southwestern adobe-style hotel from speaking Spanish in his presence (he thought they'd be talking about him), and ordered some to Anglicize their names. "Thinking about petitioning the city to change its name too," he added. "Taos, what is that, Chinaman talk or something? Better not be Vitnamese. I was in Vitnam. Ain't gonna live in no Vitnam town."

Whitten's management style had worked for him as he's managed to segregate other distressed hotels he bought in recent years across the country. "Yep. Worked in Missisip, Alabam and Luzianna. It'll work here too, soon as those taco benders shape up."

His firing of several Hispanic employees angered his employees and many in this liberal enclave of 5,000 residents at the base of the Sangre de Cristo mountains, where the most alternative of lifestyles can find a home and where Spanish language, culture and traditions have a long and revered history. "Hey, nobody told me Beaners made up 55% of the population here, although looking back on it the name of the state should have been a clue."

"I came into this landmine of Anglos versus Spanish versus Mexicans versus Indians versus everybody up here. I'm just doing what I've always done," he says. "And now I've united the community. Course I united it by making everybody hate me, but like I said, I'm just doing what I've always done."

"I do feel he's a racist, but he's a racist out of ignorance. He doesn't know that what he's doing is wrong," says protester Juanito Burns Jr. "But come to think of it, what other kind of racist is there?"

"That's not the first time I've heard that," Whitten said. "But just wait till the boys from Storm Front or Aryan Nation decide to have their convention at my hotel, then we'll see who the marketing genius is."

Some employees were fired, Whitten says, because they were hostile, insubordinate and brown. Fired hotel manager Kathy Archuleta says the workers initially tried to adjust to his style. "We had already gone through four or five owners before him, so we knew what to expect," Archuleta says. "Another guero with more money than brains."

Then Whitten told some employees he was changing their Spanish first names. "It has nothing to do with racism. I'm not doing it for any reason other than for the satisfaction of my guests, because they spend thier lives avoiding the Spanish accents or the Spanish culture or Spanish anything," Whitten said. "I figured changing their first names would make everything nice and white. Besides, if Don Black called here and 'Juan' answered, I'd never hear the end of it."

Martin Gutierrez, another fired employee, says he felt disrespected when he was told to use the unaccented Martin as his name. He says he told Whitten that Spanish was spoken in New Mexico before English. "He told me he didn't care what I thought because the bible was written in English and if it was good enough for god it was good enough for me," Gutierrez said.

The messages and comments Whitten made in interviews with local media, including referring to townsfolk as "mountain people" and "potheads who escaped society," further inflamed tensions. "Hey, I 'm just a businessman trying to fit into my new community" he told reporters. I figured they either didn't have TV's or were too stoned to turn them on."

Taos Mayor Darren Cordova says Whitten wasn't doing anything illegal, just monumentally stupid. He said Whitten failed to better familiarize himself with the town and its culture before deciding to buy the hotel. "You'd think a fellow who rents beds to people for a living would have figured out the world isn't full of Crackers by now," Cordova said.

"What kind of fool or idiot or poor businessman would I be to orchestrate this whole crazy thing that's costed me a lot of time, money and aggravation?" Whitten said. "Now do you see why it's important to keep the races apart?"

Friday Hound Blogging

Oscars, Emmys, Pulitzers, Nobels, every organization has prizes, usually reserved for the most talented, most popular, most insightful and most respected members of their particular group. And the overlords are no different, gathering each year in the Hollywood of the Midwest, Abilene Kansas to celebrate themselves, their profession and the fact that they all managed to avoid gainful employment for another year.

And who better to chronicle this night of stars than our good friend Dave Bergmeier, Senior Entertainment Editor for the Abilene Reflector Chronicle Observer Times Beacon Press Dispatch Post Review. Take it away, Editor Dave:

Two of the modern icons in the greyhound industry, Gary Guccione, secretary-treasurer of the National Greyhound Association, and Kay Smith of Frederick, Okla., were recognized during induction ceremonies Thursday. No seriously, they were recognized. Some people saw them in the parking lot and said, "Hey, aren't you two part of that national embarrassment called greyhound racing? You know the "sport" that needlessly kills and injures thousands of innocent and otherwise healthy dogs every year?"

Now, since Gary Guccione is the chief spokesperson for National Greyhound Association that means he has the office Word-A-Day calendar on his desk as overlord official spokesperson, so he took the occasion to mount an eloquent and spirited defense of unit exploitation...er...greyhound racing: "No," he said. "That's another Gary Guccione."

Well, that caught the crowd off guard long enough for the pair to get inside where Charles “Chuck” Marriott, St. Petersburg, Fla., summed up his feelings succinctly: “We are honoring two of the most industrious and popular members of the industry. Why Kay alone is directly and indirectly responsible for the death of thousands of dogs over her long career, and Gary has told so many lies about greyhound racing if you ask him his name he has to look at his driver's license to make sure he tells you the truth."

Guccione got his start in the industry through his father, whom he praised during his induction. “My dad told me six years ago when he was dying how proud he was of me,” Guccione said, "He told me he had really lowered his expectations after I flunked fifth grade for the third time, but he was glad to see at least I didn't become a breeder."

Guccione said the National Greyhound Association is one of the most diverse group of men and women of any professional organization. It is filled with doctors, attorneys, dentists and blue collar workers. “They taught me so much about the human race,” he said. "Well, the part that don't have souls that is."

Marriott who served for six years as NGA president, called Guccione one of his dearest friends. “No one has more integrity in the industry than Gary Guccione,” Marriott said, adding that "no one in the industry can even spell integrity," so Guccione "doesn't really have much competition."

Herb “Dutch” Koerner, Hays, who was on the NGA board for 18 years, offered his congratulations. He said Guccione’s professionalism was always on display and he was a natural spokesman for the association. Then Koerner's probation officer called and reminded him part of the terms of his probation were that he couldn't associate with "certain unsavory elements." He left soon after.

“Kay Smith has been a team player for the industry,” Presenter Vince Berland, of Abilene said , noting that she was a supporter of selling slow dogs for medical research, of puppy culls and the occasional "accident" out behind the kennel, now staples within the industry.

Berland said he never forgot that heartless emptiness when he was told in February 2001 that, after another year of losing money, the Smith operation had been hit with a mysterious fire, he and Abilene greyhound producer Jack Sherck immediately went down to help Smith fill out her insurance papers.

OK, just a minute here. "Greyhound producer" is an actual job title in the industry? "Producer?" Like we produce cars, or toothpaste? Gee, it's almost like they don't think of the dogs as living, breathing, conscious entities or something.

Well, let's not quibble about whether the dogs are actually, you know, living creatures or anything, because the festivities are not over, right Senior Entertainment Editor Bergmier?

On an unusually cool mid-October evening, National Greyhound Association enthusiasts gathered for an evening of one-liners and stories about a popular couple in the industry that warmed the hearts of those in attendance.

Well, would have warmed their hearts. If any of them had hearts that is.

On Wednesday night at the Abilene Elks Club, about 240 people attended a banquet for Dennis and Mary Rider. As part of the festivities leading up to the Riders receiving an award from the NGA for their contributions to the industry, they smiled and laughed at stories told about them. They smiled and laughed and took the ribbing in stride as did their family.

Well, or course they did Senior Editor Bergmeir. After all, they weren't the ones dying and breaking bones. That was left to the dogs. The Riders were free to enjoy the good food, which we hope was more healthy than the dinner the dogs ate, huh Forrest?

Forrest is a little reserved, but very friendly. He is very mellow for a young boy. He is affectionate; he will put his feet in your lap to snuggle with you. When he gets excited he will play bow and stomp his feet to get you to play with him. Forrest would do well in a working family home, with well mannered children, 8 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. He is a little vocal when first left alone, so he would do best in a single family home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

So If We Got Rush To Leave The Country Would His Fans Go With Him Then Too?

By now you've probably heard that the NFL is prejudiced against fat white guys with drug problems, so they won't let Rush Limbaugh into the locker room. Frankly, we don't have a problem with this because there's already enough fat white guys in the locker room, we mean, have you seen Glenn Parker?

Ha ha ha ha ha, just kidding Mr. Parker sir. Please don't squash us.

Anyway, what the NFL didn't realize at the time is that by bouncing a commercial grade bigot like Rush from an organization composed of 65% minorities, they were signing their own death warrant because once Rush's loyal minions found out what had happened to the rotund racist, NFL stadiums would start emptying out like Uncle Clem's Truck Stop and Gizzard Shack when the grease caught fire.

Well, it has begun.

Mark Muller -- a husband, father, businessman, and football fanatic -- is giving up on the game he loves, he said, because the National Football League let him down. "Bigotry, intolerance and ignorance made Rush the man he is today," Muller said. "Now you're telling me that's a bad thing?"

Muller, a Kansas City Chiefs season ticket holder since the 1980s, said the NFL’s refusal to defend Limbaugh’s right to try to participate in the bidding was disgraceful. He said the league’s “silence was deafening. Well, except for all those players who said they wouldn't play for a team owned by Rush. But those were just the darkies weren't they?"

“They’ve ruined it,” Muller said. “How could you take something so pure as football and ruin it? I mean, the corporate greed, the idiot owners with more money than brains, the disdain for the welfare of the players, that's what America's all about, right? The reason I went to my first NFL game is because of listening to Rush Limbaugh talk about how great the NFL is, especially the white quarterbacks.”

That first listen was accidental. Muller, then a struggling small business owner, said he was traveling through the Midwest making sales calls when he stumbled on the conservative host's radio program. "Up to that time I'd been listening to Jonah Goldberg and Bill Kristol. I started as a road salesman, working 70-80 hours a week, and I was getting very, very discouraged, because nobody would buy my roads and I wasn’t related to anybody important.” Muller said he was inspired by Limbaugh’s message of hard work and personal achievement. "If you want something, you have to work for it. That was a revelation to me."

That accidental bit of inspiration also got Muller hooked on professional football. After hearing Limbaugh describe the NFL with the same zeal with which he described his trip to the Dominican Republic, Muller took his wife to game and then the couple decided to give up virtually all their other leisure activities to free up funds to buy season tickets to their hometown team: the Kansas City Chiefs. "My wife really enjoyed watching the players run around in those tight pants, and bought me a pair for my birthday. It wasn't really the same though and we had to go back to Fed Ex guy and the bored housewife."

Muller’s devotion to his team and to the NFL was so deep that on Sundays he was either in church or at an NFL stadium somewhere in the country. When asked how god might react to his decision to go to a football game rather than church, Muller replied that he had it on pretty good authority that god was "a Cowboy fan. Besides, if we can TiVo a game and watch it later, can't god TiVo a service and get worshiped at a more convenient time for him?"

“This isn’t about Rush,” said Muller. “I don’t even listen to him anymore, but I know he isn’t racist. He just says racist things. It's like his trademark or something. You know, when you're as ignorant as he is, and so proud of it, you're bound to say things that tick people off from time to time. Especially if those people have an IQ higher than corn flakes."

When instead of standing up for Limbaugh, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that he would not want to see divisive remarks such as Limbaugh’s coming from an NFL owner, Muller decided he would never attend another game, a decision that left his football-loving family heartbroken and his wife in tears. "She really liked watching the guys run around in those pants," he said.

Anything for A Buck...Literally, A Buck

You know, looking back over posts we have created on this blog, some of which we actually remember writing, it occurs to us that we may occasionally give the mistaken impression that we are a bunch of smart alecky, wise acre, insufferable twits. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Well, actually there's quite a bit that could be further from the truth, but that's not our point right now. What we're getting at is that we do possess the capacity to be supportive, empathic and grateful.

For example, employment. You may have noticed in these last desultory days of western civilization that a lot of people are out wandering the streets who are not zombies. They are what the government so politely refers to as job seekers, a subset of the group commonly referred to as the former Middle Class.

We are particularly attuned to these distinctions here in Michigan where there are only six jobs left anyway, and thus are particularly grateful and appreciative of ours. Which is why, even given our...um...misgivings about his administration--not to mention his penchant for unsupervised use of power tools--we are happy to receive the news that George Bush has found post presidential employ as a carnival barker.

OK, we may not have that quite correct. According to the flier, which apparently is being put on the windshields of cars in suburban Wal-Marts, our beloved walking Malaprop is a "Special Guest Speaker," or as we like to call it out here in flyover country, Rube Magnet.

Mr. Bush has apparently been able to clear his calendar of high school graduation speeches and will lead an all star team into the AT&T Center in San Antonio to "Get Motivated" on your droopy white behinds. Let's take a look at the team, shall we?

First up, Zig Zigler, "America's #1 Motivator. Now, we may be quibbling here, but if Zig Ziglar is America's #1 motivator, and he speaks, why do you need anyone else? We mean, how much motivation is it going to take out there in San Antonio? Are you people, or egg plants?

Next up Terry Bradshaw who will discuss the motivational aspects of running around a field in tight pants trying to throw a $45.00 inflated bladder to another similarly dressed human while being paid millions of dollars. Most relevant to the people in the audience who had leftover rat for breakfast.

Then we have Dr. Robert Schuller who will tell you why children can be such a disappointment...er...we mean inspirational.

After that there appears to be a bit of a fall off. It's Tony Parker who made a million dollars--dude, we can do better than that in the Lotto; Not Bill Gates from Microsoft; a lady with a wolverine on her head, and a token black man who used to work in government.

Still, we do have the former president who, say what you will about the flaming bag of dog poo that was his administration, was one of only 44 men to hold that job in the entire history of this country. That ought to count for something huh? So how much are the tickets? $500? We figure it's got to be up there because Bill Clinton makes $300,000 for one of his speeches. Ticket prices got to be pretty hefty to cover prices like that, right?


Oh. That's...uh...that's...um...Well, nice of you to invite the whole office. Hey look at the time, gotta go.

Cuiusvis Hominis Est Errare; Nullius Nisi Insipientis In Errore Perseverare

We didn't set out to make this religion week. In fact we tend not to think too much about this blog at all, leading as it does to the inevitable questions regarding the propriety of supposedly responsible and mature individuals engaging in behavior such as is manifested consistently in this space.

Be that as it may, however, we found ourselves irresistibly drawn to the image of the pope standing on his balcony in his red shoes, wearing the drapes, his best Gandalf hat and shouting at the anglicans "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"

Pope Benedict took a major step to make it easier for disaffected anglicans who feel their church has become too inclusive to get hip to his posse. "The pope's representatives will visit parishes that want to join and show converts the secret catholic handshake," said a vatican spokesperson man.

The move comes after years of discontent in some sectors of the 77-million-strong worldwide anglican community over the ordination of women priests and homosexual bishops. "Say what you will about catholics," said one disaffected anglican. "A least their women know their place, and their homos are in the closet. It's what god wanted religion to be."

The vatican said the pope had approved a document known as "Pope Says You Gotta Do It" to accept anglicans who want to join catholicism, either individually or in bingo teams, while maintaining some of their own traditions. "Article I Section 1 of the document specifies who in the vatican gets your bank account routing numbers," said a spokesman for the pope's office of Making Nice to Whack Churches. "After that we're pretty flexible."

It marks perhaps the clearest and boldest institutional step by the Vatican to welcome disaffected Anglicans into the fold since King Henry VIII broke with Rome and set himself up at the head of the new Church of England in 1534. "Well, we figure if we'd sold divorces as cheaply back then as we sold indulgences, there wouldn't be an anglican church in the first place, so it's sort of like a homecoming," said one cardinal who asked not to be named.

The Pope Says You Gotta Do It seeks to balance on the one hand the concern to preserve the worthy anglican liturgical and spiritual patrimony and, on the other hand, the concern that these groups and their clergy will be "treated like a red headed step child at the family reunion," the Vatican said.

Anglicans will find it easier than before to join the catholic church because the baptists don't want them and the lutherans didn't return their phone calls. "We thought about approaching the Dali Lama," said one anglican bishop. "But who wants to learn that crazy Chinaman lingo? Latin's bad enough."

The new regulations, due to come into effect soon, will not affect the catholic church's policy of hiding its own priests who diddle the choirboys. But they will continue the age-old practice of allowing a married anglican priest who converts to remain married. "We're hoping if those anglican guys are getting a little taste now and then they'll be a little more likely than our guys to keep it in their pants." said one vatican spokesman. "We don't need anymore trouble in the perv department if you get my drift."

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, spiritual leader of the worldwide Anglican communion, told a news conference in London that he did not see the Vatican move as "an act of aggression" or vote of no confidence, but part of a routine relationship between the two Churches. "You should have seen the load of fish eaters we picked up after vatican II," he said. "Man, the Babushkas came running to us like it was free rosary night or something."

"This is not a comment on the life of the Anglican Communion. This is a response to people who came forward," said Vincent Nichols, the Archbishop of Westminster and head of the Catholic Church in England and Wales. "If those chumps want to go all women's lib on their congregation, who are we to complain? Hey anglicans, don't want to watch a bunch of bras burn, or go to mass with the swishy set? Come on over to Papa Bene's place. First three Latin lessons are free!"

And Jesus Said Unto His Disciples "Do I Have To Draw You Guys A Picture?" And It Was So

Well, here we are careening around the 3/8 pole and heading into the turn for home in the run of this old year. October is the Irish month of Deireadh Fomhair. We're not sure why we know that, but we think it has something to do with a fellow we met in an adult beverage establishment one time. He was Irish, or maybe he wasn't. In fact the whole thing could be a figment of our imagination, or as the republicans say, reality.

And speaking of the real and not real, October also marks the opening skirmishes in the WAR ON CHRISTIANS Bitchez!!!11!!eleventy!.

Erm...we mean the War On Christmas. See, because it's Halloween and all, the pagans, or the atheists, or the socialists, or sodomites, or Yankee fans, or somebody comes out to slap around the baby Jesus and make the pope cry. We may be missing a few details there.

But not this year, you Sol Invictus believing, Festivis loving, Obama voting, reading is fundamental god mockers because the Right Reverend Pastor Billie Bob Bubba Cletus Marc Grizzard is about to GET ALL UP IN SATAN'S GRILL!!!11!!double eleventy!

A Baptist Church near Asheville, N.C., is hosting a "Halloween book burning" to purge the area of "Satan's" works. "Why do you think Jesus called us his flock?" the Right Reverend Billie Bob Bubba Cletus said. "We're sheep. Can you get any dumber than sheep?"

Hmmm...That is a point Mr. Right Reverend sir. So what books are you going to burn? My Two Dads? Heather Has Two Mommies? The Audacity of Hope? Green Eggs And Ham? The Yellow Pages?

Church leaders deem Good News for Modern Man, the Evidence Bible, the New International Version Bible, the Green Bible and the Message Bible, as well as at least seven other versions of the Bible as "Satan's Bibles," according to the website.

Satan wrote bibles? Ah, that explains the Gideons. And all this time we thought he was just into producing and stuff. That's where the money is. Anyway, is there any book you like Mr. Right Reverend Pastor Billie Bob Bubba Cletus?

"I believe the King James version is God's preserved, inspired, inerrant and infallible word of God," Pastor Marc Grizzard told a local news station of his 14-member parish.

OK, first of all, you obviously didn't get the memo, and second, we feel obligated to tell you, Mr. Right Reverend Pastor sir, that 14 people isn't a parish, it's a bunch of crazy people waiting for a bus on a route that's no longer being serviced.

The website for the Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, N.C., says there are "scriptural bases" for the book burning.

Wait. The bible, which is a book, contains passages on why it's proper to burn books? Isn't that a little self defeating?

The event also seeks to destroy "Satan's music" which includes every genre from country, rap and rock to "soft and easy" and "Southern Gospel" and "contemporary Christian."

Oh please let Nickelback be in there somewhere.

Grizzard's parish website explains that the Bible is the "final authority concerning all matters of faith and practice," for Amazing Grace Baptist Church. In the Parish doctrinal statement, Grizzard expounds that "the Scriptures shall be interpreted according to their normal grammatical-historical meaning, and all issues of interpretation and meaning shall be determined by the preacher."

Yeah, uh, we're not sure what "grammatical-historical" means, but we are told the Right Reverend Pastor Billie Bob Bubba Cletus knows because he always got A's on his English homework in seventh grade (the last grade he completed before the lord called him to work in the Piggly Wiggly) and they were totally not done by his sister so let's put that rumor to rest right now and never mind asking her because she won't tell.

Church leaders' website notes they will be providing "bar-b-que chicken, fried chicken and all the sides" at the book burning.

Plus Clowns!

Uh...We know what you're thinking and just never mind going there. The clowns will be wearing costumes so you can tell them from the parishioners. You know, orange hair, red noses, stuff like that.

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, we can't say your weren't warned, overlord Guccione. Frequent readers of this blog know that look of resignation parents get when you try to explain once again why you're still living in the apartment above the garage...er...we mean know that on several previous occasions we have tried to convince Mr. Guccione that his abilities with math are not helping convince the general populace that unit exploitation...um...greyhound racing is an endeavor in which people with souls should engage. Same with his abilities in logic, and truth, but this is about math.

Well, now the inevitable has happened and public citizen Nancy Jones, Grinnell has a few...ah...corrective words for the head overlord:

In Guccione's attempt to prop up and promote the dog-racing industry, he warns Iowans that Grey2K USA is a radical animal-rights group with an extreme agenda and accuses Grey2K of launching a misinformation campaign against greyhound racing in Iowa. The numbers of greyhounds injured in Iowa were obtained through public information from the Iowa Racing and Gaming Commission.

"Prop up?" Ms. Grinnell, surely you are misinformed. A potentially thriving industry like greyhound racing doesn't need to be propped up, it merely needs to get radical animal rights wackos off its back and be allowed to prosper by meeting the public demand, right Dairyland executive vice president Roy Berger?

Wisconsin's only pari-mutuel dog-racing track may close for good after this season. Dairyland Greyhound Park in Kenosha told employees in a letter this week that a decision on the track's future will be made by Nov. 16. Dairyland executive vice president Roy Berger said both attendance and betting have dropped off and the track lost $3.4 million last year. Berger said attendance is down 19 percent so far this year compared to a year ago and betting is down 29 percent. He said the track has lost money for the past four years and 2008 was financially the worst year in track history.

"Financially the worst year in track history?" Come on, Mr. Berger, don't you think you're overstating just a little? We mean really. There are people in the industry who will read that. Think of them, their years of caring and devotion to the units...er...dogs. you're going to break their hearts with talk like that, right Dr. Joe Robinson?

Last year, South Tucson voters gave a thumbs-up to helping the beleaguered dogs of Tucson Greyhound Park.

Among other things, the new law makes it illegal to inject female greyhounds with anabolic steroids. Those steroids contain hormones to keep the dogs from going into heat, but are also believed to cause genital deformities and severe urinary-tract problems.

Since passage of the Tucson Dog Protection Act, however, questions have emerged about whether this law is actually being enforced, and if so, by whom. Those concerns crystallized recently when the Tucson Weekly learned that a Green Valley veterinarian is regularly injecting the dogs, in direct violation of the South Tucson city ordinance. Furthermore, Dr. Joe Robinson isn't planning to stop.

Well, in Dr. Joe's defense, he is a graduate of the Wal-Mart School of Veterinary Medicine. Luckily, the people charged with enforcing the protection act are on the job, right Kim Janes?

Pima County hasn't monitored compliance with the new law. "Our workload is such that we only respond to complaints," PACC manager Kim Janes said at the time. "Only if a complaint comes in will we go and make sure what's happening."

Hmm...We guess by complaint coming in they mean someone coming into the office, putting a gun to their heads, throwing them in a van and driving them out to the track to watch Dr. Joe inject a unit. Well, everybody's busy these days. Besides, it's not like people actually expect the government to do the things they vote for them to do anyway, right Linda Jenson, a Plainfield, Conn.-based breeder and president of nonprofit Protection of Working Animals and Handlers Inc.?

Dog-racing proponents have quietly launched multiple legal, financial and legislative battles to save the sport in Massachusetts in the final months before its ballot-mandated demise.

Oh, Ms. Jenson. You mean to tell us that just because the people of Massachusetts voted to end dog racing, you think the government is actually going to do that? Obviously you haven't spoken with the folks from Friedman & Atherton LLP.

Raynham Park petitions the State Racing Commission for 2010 racing dates. In a Sept. 30 letter to the commission from Friedman & Atherton LLP, dog track operators in Raynham said their application was intended to "preserve the rights" of the track to run greyhound racing "depending upon the outcome of certain pending and/or future litigation and legislation."

Ha! Take that pesky democratic process. You know, these voter people can really muck up a good thing, right Smokey?

Smokey is friendly, playful and outgoing. He will bark and play bow when he wants to play. He likes to “sing”. He loves to rub his face on you. He is a “morning dog” who likes to play in the morning. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Smokey would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Nice Algebra Class You Got Here. Be A Shame If Something Happened To It

Frequent readers of this blog should know better by now...er...we mean should know that we earn (or at least collect) our daily bread toiling (at least when the boss is watching) in the vineyards of the national educorporate training complex.

An aspect of this so called toil occasions situations in which our professional leadership style results in noticeable levels of annoyance amongst our young charges. "Yes, you have to come to class if you want to pass," for example is a phrase that appears to be a natural irritant to adolescent ears.

Now, since students can often be very creative in the ways they chose to register their disapproval of policies academic, and since we live in a state where certain legislators are convinced that the professional and social environment of schools could be improved if only students were allowed to pack heat, we have to say that the recent decision by the Christina School Board may be the first slips down a slippery slope that leads to profession educational technicians having to consider that their assigned units are actually, you know, people or something.

A Delaware first-grader who was facing 45 days in an alternative school as punishment for taking his favorite camping utensil to school can return to class after the school board made a hasty change granting him a reprieve. Zachary Christie, 6, had faced 45 days in an alternative school for troublemakers after he took the utensil — a combination folding knife, fork and spoon — to school to eat lunch last month.

He brought his own eating utensils? What? Is this kid too good for sporks or something?

Zachary Christie, 6, had faced 45 days in an alternative school for troublemakers after he took the utensil — a combination folding knife, fork and spoon — to school to eat lunch last month. "In his defense, it was lasagna day," said Debbie Christie, Zachary's mother. "You can't even make a mark on that stuff with a spork."

The punishment given to Zachary was one of several in recent years that have prompted national debate on whether schools have gone too far with zero-intelligence policies. "Our policies could be applied effectively if it weren't for the kids," said School board member John Mackenzie.

"When that common sense is missing, it sends a message of inconsistency to students, which actually creates a less safe environment," said Kenneth S. Trump, president of National School Safety and Security Services.

Well, actually it just confirms a suspicion all kids have about adults: They're stupid and not to be trusted.

Not everyone believed the school district was out of line. Jill Kneisley, who runs the work programs at Josef Goebbels Elementary in Newark, said schools need to be vigilant about controlling students. "There's more to the school's side than just us being mean and not taking this child's interests into account, although that's the fun part of it," Kneisley said. "Policies are there to give us an excuse to bounce kids out rather than deal with them. It's right there in the mission statement. You can read it yourself."

The Young Miscreant

When Fox Gives You Crazy, Make Crazyade

We're coming to you today from the Helpful Suggestions Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. HS Dept. is a division of the Too Much Time On Our Hands Corporation in partnership with Just Smile and Nod, Inc.

It has come to our attention that Counselor, Doctor, ReMax Agent Orly Taitz has been fined $20,00 for, well, being crazy in public.

This got us to thinking. What if we fined everyone engaged in flinging wack-doodle at the professional level. For example: When Rush Limbaugh says Obama has yet to prove he's a citizen, $20, 000. When Glen Beck gets so crazy even Bill O'Reilly is creeped out, $20,000. OK, $40,000. When Sean Hannity goes all Fair and Balanced on America's Buttocks, $20,000.

The money could be put into a fund to help people facing foreclosure, or with medical emergencies or something like that. We're thinking that just in the space of one sweeps period, these three could generate enough in fines to pull the housing market out of its slump, and we're not even counting the B level cement heads like Michael Savage, or Deb Schlussel.

America has overlooked this vast natural resource for far too long. Tapping the financial potential of home grown idiots won't make us any less dependent on foreign oil (you though we were going to go with the gasbag joke didn't you?) but American crazy is a totally renewable resource, psychotic, unbalanced and 100% red white and blue!

Michelle Malkin. Uncle Sam Wants You (to unleash your inner demons)

Interpretive dance counts too.

Michigan! Motto: We're The Mississippi Of The North

While we pride ourselves on scanning the landscape far and wide to bring you, our beloved reader(s) the very best Ironicus at its most delicious Maximus, sometimes the pigeon droppings of wackery splat before us like bugs on a July windshield. To wit:

The Legislature has approved 15 budget bills to cover the state's expenses this fiscal year, yet major pieces of the plan still aren't on Gov. Jennifer Granholm's desk for her signature. Republicans who control the Senate are refusing to send the Democratic governor six of the bills because they fear she'll veto portions or entire bills that they have so carefully crafted to gut essential services. They want the measures left as they are so the budget will balance without raising taxes. "Think about it," said Senate Majority leader Mike Bishop. "How many times in your life to you really need a policeman or a fireman? Maybe we could give them beepers or something. You know, have them on call, but don't pay them unless there's a bank robbery or a fire. I'm full of cost saving ideas."

Granholm, on the other hand, wants to raise at least $300 million to $400 million in new revenue to pay for several programs that were slashed or eliminated in the bills being held by the Senate. "That's our tax and spend governor for you," Bishop said. "When I was in school, if we wanted something we had a bake sale, we didn't rely on the mommy state."

"If we don't act carefully in how we solve this year's crisis, we'll make next year's crisis that much worse," Bishop said. "The longer we keep supporting old people and sick people, particularly poor sick people, the more it's going to cost us. My plan gets us out from under that burden."

The Rochester Republican has sent the governor a letter attaching copies of the six bills so she can review them and tell him on what she plans to do. "See, 'cause if I don't like it then she can't do it. That's called bipartisanship."

Capitol observers don't remember ever seeing a legislative chamber hold onto budget bills once they've passed. But these are Republicans. "These guys make Glen Beck look like Aristotle," said one observer.

The six bills Bishop is holding back cover energy, labor and economic growth, general government, human services, state police, community health and higher education. "Luxuries," said Bishop. "While crazy people and college kids are sucking off the teat of big government, poor businessmen are suffering under the burden of taxation."

Republicans could hold onto the bills for weeks and dump them in Granholm's lap before midnight Oct. 31, daring her to use her veto pen with no temporary budget in place in November. Under that scenario, republicans believe Granholm would be responsible for the budget not being done.

"Yeah. That makes sense if you're dumber than a dry dog turd," said Senate Democratic Leader Mike Prus. "Oh wait, these are republicans. I think I just insulted dry dog turds."

Friday Hound Blogging

This is it. You tree hugging, Birkenstock wearing, animal rights wackos have pushed the overlords around just about enough. First you close up all their tracks. Well, all right, so the fact that people didn't come to the tracks had something to do with that, but we're not talking about the rubes right now, we're talking about mushy-mush, whosagoodboy, slurpy-slurp, dog loving, goody two shoes, commie pinko, leftist elite fascists. You know, people like these meddlers in West Virginia.

A state law passed in 2008 requires the commission to construct two tracks at which greyhounds can be trained. But there has been controversy over the proposal - with some in the racing community saying the tracks are not needed.

Check it: Agitators, probably from out of state, come in to make trouble and kill our ability to make a living, why it's as if...wait, did you say some in the racing community don't want the tracks?

OK, bad example. Oh, we know. Let's ask Gary Guccione. He's like the overlord's overlord and his logic is strong and cannot be defeated.

We are not surprised that Grey2K USA, a radical animal-rights group from Massachusetts, has launched a misinformation campaign against greyhound racing in Iowa.

Boo Yah! Take that Grey2K. Bet that's the last time you'll use public records from the Iowa Racing and Gaming Commission to document the injuries. Iowa Racing and Gaming Commission. Phfffft! How misinformed are they?

The vast majority of greyhound injuries are minor, and allow the dogs to return to racing after a week or two.

See, this is how compassionate the overlords are. If a greyhound gets hurt trying to earn a trailer payment, they get a second chance. Then their killed if they don't win.

Even when career-ending injuries occur, most greyhounds transition successfully to retirement in a loving adoptive home. More than 90 percent of all retired greyhounds are adopted or returned to the farm as pets or breeders when they retire.

Oooo. Bad move there Mr. Gucionne. Remember? We've talked about this. Math is not your strong suite.

The number of injuries at Iowa tracks is actually very small when viewed in relation to the total number of races run, or starts. The 101 injuries in 2008 occurred from a combined total of more than 55,000 starts at the two tracks, including official races as well as schooling.

Yeah. Let's cut these guys some slack here. Fifty five thousand starts, times multiple dogs in each start. They're throwing dogs out there faster than overlords run from a job fair and all they can manage to injure, maim or kill is a measly hundred? They should get a medal or something because it's obvious that the vast majority of dogs that are killed are killed after the overlords have sucked all the trailer payments they're going to off them. Now that's compassionate care.

Greyhound tracks spend a great deal of time and money ensuring that track surfaces are safe and well-maintained.

Darn straight. These are professional athletes that represent a sizable investment of time and money on the part of the overlords. No stone is left unturned in making the racing environment safe and well maintained, right Don Walker?

Since my last post on issues involving the track surface at Dairyland Greyhound Park, a few people who are concerned about the greyhounds that race there have contacted me. None of them wish to have their name used, for fear they would lose their job. But each of them said track owners used the track's heat system sparingly. The heating system is supposed to be used to warm up the surface. In addition to the infrequent use of the heating system, sources at the track have said that the surface is rock hard for the dogs and can cause injury. Through November, a total of 56 dogs have broken their hocks.

See? Safety first, that's the overlords...wait, what? People who work at the track are saying this? Well, obviously a group of disgruntled employees. Probably didn't get invited t o the Christmas party or something.

Track veterinarians ensure that the greyhounds are strong and healthy before they are allowed to race.

Ha! Now you're talking. Even human athletes don't have to be examined as much as the units...er...dogs. Nothing is going to slip by professionally trained, experienced and caring Vets, right Andrew Carlton, the Arizona Department of Racing veterinarian, and track vets Betty Menke and Paul Pullen?

Tucson vet Janet Forrer and Susan Via, a retired assistant U.S. attorney and head of Tucson Dog Protection, filed the complaints with the Arizona State Veterinary Medical Examining Board.

Some of the alleged violations include:

• Steroids being administered by people other than the dual-licensed vets, who are the only ones authorized to do so.

• Track vets turning a blind eye to the steroid injections that are clearly in violation of the act, either because of "negligence or indifference."

• Lack of records outlining the drugs or treatments given to the animals, which should be submitted to the Arizona Department of Racing.

• Lack of oversight by Carlton, who, as state racing veterinarian, should be supervising the track vets' practices.

• Pullen not notifying the Veterinary Medical Examining Board of a change of address, or having a listed phone number. The last two practices where Pullen worked have disconnected telephone numbers.

Hey look, everybody's busy. Things fall through the cracks, right Bobo?

“Bobo” is a sweetie pie and a joy to have around. He is extremely curious and he has lots of personality! Bobo is a very handsome boy. He has a white stripe down his snout and his nose is heart-shaped. He is a bit of “collector”. Bobo would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children 5 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

The Chair Recognizes The Gentleman From Ithyphallophobia

You know, We really have quite a history of Orator Statesmen here in the good old U S of A. We're talking about people like James Otis and his famous speech against the Stamp Act, or John Adams, starting with his endorsement of George Washington to be Commander in Chief of the Revolutionary Army. Then there are James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, Daniel Webster, Henry Clay, Stephen Douglas, etc., etc., etc.

Ah, if the walls of Congress could talk...Anyway, given that tradition of elocutionary power, imagine our dismay when we awaken this morning to the latest addition to this pantheon of wordsmiths, Representative Louie Gohmer (R - Blart! Glork! Ack!).

We're sorry, that's Representative Louie Gohmer t who rose in opposition to the repeal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy for gays in the military. Speaking in the same chamber that once echoed with the eloquence of Abraham Lincoln, Gohmer had this to say:

Excuse us again. It's Gohmer t

He began his bizarre homophobic speech, calling the repeal of the “Don’t Act Don’t Tell” policy “perverse…social experimentation” and said that our soldiers are being “held hostage by a sociological attack.”

We're not sure what a "sociological attack" is, but we're thinking soldiers might prefer it to a Taliban attack, or a suicide bomber attack, or a roadside bomb attack. Just a guess. And if our soldiers are being held hostage by the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, wouldn't ending it release them from that hostageitood, representative Gohmer?

D'oh! We mean Gohmer t

Gohmert then veered into attacking the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Act, which includes protections for LGBT victims of hate crimes. He said that offering protection against hate crimes based on sexual orientation would lead to the legalization of necrophilia, pedophilia and bestiality, because the interpretation of sexual orientation is “wide-open.”

Um...we're talking about DADT here representative Gohmer t. Focus, man, focus!

There are all kinds of perversions, what most of us would call perversions, Some would say it sounds like fun, but most of us would say were perversions.

Hey, have you been talking to senator Vitter again. You know he just makes you all sweaty and you have trouble sleeping for a couple of days.

If you’re oriented toward animals, bestiality, then, you know, that’s not something that can be used, held against you or any bias be held against you for that. Which means you’d have to strike any laws against bestiality, if you’re oriented toward corpses, toward children, you know, there are all kinds of perversions.

Right. And while we're at it we should thank representative Gohmer t for being one of the few legislators who hasn't lost his balance on the slippery slope.

Gohmert then took a bizarre right turn from sexual perversions to racism and Nazis, claiming he is not a racist because he once voted for Alan Keyes.

Racist no. Stupid yes.

The excitable Gohmert then whipped out a bible and began reading biblical verses against homosexuality.

Hmmm...wonder if Matt 7: 3 -5 was in there.

Gohmert then reasoned that a lack of morality leads to economic instability, which would lead to a “little guy with a mustache.”

Geraldo Rivera?

The Book Was Fast Tracked Right After We Found A Font Where The I's Were Dotted With Smiley Faces

Frequent readers of this blog know that there are no happy endings...er...we mean know that we earn our bread toiling in the fields of the local educorporate training facility as educational technicians, more specifically molding today's youth into young Aristoltes Ciceros, Vicos and Blairs.

For the record, we could not write the previous with a straight face. Anyway, it has come to our attention that a new star has risen in the rhetorical universe and it burns. Uh, brightly, burns brightly we mean. Sorry about that.

Fans and foes alike are hoping for surprises in Sarah Palin's memoir, Going Rogue: An American Life, which leapfrogged Dan Brown and Glenn Beck to the top of the Amazon.com bestseller last week before even being published. But with a few weeks to go until the book hits shelves on Nov. 17, the biggest shocker so far is the sheer speed with which she wrote it.

Now, having read our share of hastily constructed students papers, we aren't necessarily impressed with the speed at which ideas can be vomited onto the page, but with the quality of said ideas.

Palin's publisher says the answer is simple: hard work. "When she resigned as governor, she had a lot more time and was able to really devote herself full-time to writing the book," says Tina Andreadis, a spokesperson for HarperCollins. "That's really all that there is."

OK, now while this might sound impressive to those outside of the fraternity of professional educators, we--whose motto is: Crap! Not four sections of freshman comp again--know that speed and hard work seldom are seen in the same neighborhood, and in fact are often mutually exclusive.

Palin had help. Editorial sidekicks are par for the course in political memoirs, though ghostwriters say many pols are heavily involved in the writing process. Palin's assist came from Lynn Vincent, a writer for the Christian news magazine WORLD, who has also co-authored several other books.

See, now this makes sense. It's like we teach our students, if you put your name on someone else's work, that's plagiarism. If you pay to put your name on someone else's work, that's publishing gold.

Palin was apparently clear from the start about her book's mission: "It will be nice through an unfiltered forum to get to speak truthfully about who we are and what we stand for and what Alaska is all about," she told the Anchorage Daily News back in May, when the deal was first announced.

Clear goals are essential, but it is just as important to be realistic about abilities, so with a writer like Sarah, while we might praise her clarity of vision, we might also point out that accomplishing her objective will be difficult with a vocabulary that consists of words of less than three syllables.

The publisher has to calculate whether or not getting a book out quickly will drive up sales. In that sense, the decision to expedite Palin's memoir was a slam dunk, since the quick turnaround ensures the book will hit shelves with just 38 shopping days until Christmas. "It's holiday time, which is the best, best time to sell a book," says HarperCollins' Andreadis.

Well, that certainly makes sense. We mean, here's a book that's a perfect gift for the book lovers on your list who can't read.

And The Lord Sayeth: Dang! Knew I Should Have Copyrighted That Stuff.

We're coming to you today from the You Knew It Had To Happen Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. YKIHTH is a division of the Removal Of Inconvenient Truths Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy My God Says What I Want Him To Say, Inc.

See, for a long time now conservative christians have been in a sort of a bind considering most of their beliefs ran completely counter to what Jesus taught. Jesus didn't think poor people were poor because they were lazy, or worse, brown or black, he wasn't a big fan of war, and didn't really start the prosperity gospel, especially the part that says it's the preachers of the prosperity gospel who are supposed to prosper.

At the very minimum this occasioned some awkward silences when conservative christians, who claim to have a Jesus' private number, are asked to explain signs like this, and this, rather confusingly, this one (Question: Catholics are so bad they rate their own list, or did you just run out of room on the first one?).

Well, no more:

Socialistic terminology permeates English translations of the Bible, without justification. This improperly encourages the "social justice" movement among Christians.

Darn straight. If there's one thing Jesus was consistently against, it was social justice. We mean, check out this page. Look at all those quotes that were obviously written by Marxists. James 2:1-9: Love your neighbor, treat all with dignity? Will do, comrade. Peter 4:7-11: Put your gifts at the service of others? Does this look like an ACORN office? Phillipians 2:1-11: Unity and service; be a servant like Christ. Criminee, it's the bible, not Chairman Jesus' Little Red Book.

Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations. There are three sources of errors in conveying biblical meaning: lack of precision in the original language, such as terms underdeveloped to convey new concepts of Christianity,

OK, so we're thinking one of those "new concepts" is hate people who aren't like you?

Lack of precision in modern language; translation bias in converting the original language to the modern one. Of these three sources of errors, the last introduces the largest error, and the biggest component of that error is liberal bias. Large reductions in this error can be attained simply by retranslating the KJV into modern English.

We get it. King James authorized a new translation of the bible to bring it into line with the teachings of the Church of England because Jesus would have totally been a Welshman if there had been a Wales back then.

As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible which satisfies the following ten guidelines:

Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias.

Right. This makes a lot of sense you know, because when King James convened the Hampton Court Conference in 1604 that created the King James Version he was responding to concerns voiced by the Puritans, a notoriously liberal group.

Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity.

Darn straight. Jesus knew how to treat the wimmens. Just ask Theodora. Also, who needs that "inclusive" thing? Not Jesus that's for sure.

Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level.

Umm...might want to rethink that one given your audience. Just saying.

Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop; defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle".

According to the Modern Liberal to Conservative Dictionary, "word" now means whatever we need it to mean so we can get around those inconvenient descriptors like racist, homophobe, intolerant and such, "peace" means bomb the snot out of brown people, and "miracle" is us getting the spelling right on one of our protest signs.

Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots";

Better clear that one with Bill Bennett first.

Using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census.

Don't you mean "avoid"?

Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.

Or, as Aristotle would have put it:

I believe in hell
What I believe is true
Therefore hell exists

Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning.

The problem here is that whole moneychangers in the temple thing, you know? Totally misrepresented those guys.

Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story

Definitely. That's the one where Jesus supposedly says let he who is without sin among you cast the first stone. We know Jesus didn't really intend for us not to meddle in your life.

Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels.

Yeah. We have no idea what that means, especially since the goal of the whole project is the opposite of open mindedness. Oh, wait a minute, maybe this is an example of the new definition of "word." "Open" really means "closed."

Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God."

Well, it's easy to be concise when whatever you write down means just what you want it to mean. No ambiguities like the ones people deal with because the bible has gone through, oh, we don't know, couple thousand versions.

We're Taking The Day Off

MSU 26 Losers 20

In your face skunk bear!

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, maybe the Tea Baggers have a point. Not about health care reform, they're totally bonkaziod when it comes to that, but about the fact that government can sometimes get in the way of people working out their own problems. Take the overlords for example. A while back we told you about Twin River Greyhound Exploitation Center and its ongoing love hate (mostly hate) relationship with profit.

Well, it seems while the legislature dithered around trying to make a bad situation worse, the overlords themselves came together and solved their problem.

The Twin River slot parlor and a greyhound owners association have reached a "preliminary agreement" in their dispute over dog racing at the Lincoln gambling venue, according to a federal court filing.

Now there's American ingenuity at work for you. Who needs a bunch of overfed undereducated politicians to muck up the works? Just let a little old Yankee common sense into the mix and viola! There's your solution.

Breaking the contract with the association would allow the slot parlor to drop the $9-million annual fee it pays the group. It also would allow the slot parlor to cut jobs -- at least 18 full-time and 9 part-time positions -- and trim the salaries of another 22 employees.

See what we mean? Times get tough and one side stops paying the other. Everybody wins! Well, except for the people who get laid off or have their salaries slashed, but hey, omelet, eggs you know? Anyway with this kind of problem solving ability and government out of the way it won't be long before greyhound exploitation is once again drawing standing room only crowds, right 120 employees at Phoenix Greyhound Exploitation Center?

Phoenix Greyhound Park plans to close its live racing on December 19 as a result of the challenging economy and increased competition from valley casinos.

Oh. Uh, sounds like they could use some of the expertise displayed by the Twin River overlords, right former State Racing Commission Chairman Jack McGee?

A bastion of Bay State betting history went dark last night, after the last dog bolted across the finish line at Wonderland Greyhound Park and the struggling track finally fell to fiscal woes and a looming voter-approved dog-racing ban.

Yeah, ah, OK this is going to be a little harder than we thought. Anybody out there got any good news?

Gulf Greyhound Park would become the only track in Texas to offer live greyhound racing in 2010, after a decision by the Texas Racing Commission, the racetrack announced in a press release.

Oh yeah baby! Now we're talking. One track left in the whole state of Texas! Only one place in the entire state to go and see greyhounds exploited...er...we mean competing. Think of the pent up audience for that? Think of it! No competition. Wow! We're talking multiple races 24/7 right Texas Greyhound Association Executive Director Diane Whiteley?

The proposal was approved, meaning Gulf Greyhound will add a performance Tuesday evenings beginning next year.

Boo yah! Look out bank, we're going to be bringing so much money to you, you'll need to build an addition to hold it all, you'll need...wait, what? One track in the whole state, one track that anyone interested in greyhound exploitation...er...racing has to go to in the whole big freaking state and all you can manage is one extra performance? One?

Cripes Ollie, we're beginning to get the idea that greyhound racing isn't so popular anymore.

Ollie is friendly, easygoing, and outgoing. He is very affectionate. He is enjoys being hugged and loved. His ears flop forward, which gives him a comical appearance. He can catch treats in the air. He enjoys playing and spending time outside. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Ollie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp

You have to feel sorry for Newt Gingrich. We mean, his first wife goes all cancery on him which totally took the buzz off dumping her so he could do the wham bam with Marianne Ginther whom he married so it would clear the way to play hide the sausage with the lady who would become his third wife, Callista Bisek who is approximately 20 years younger than he is, which makes sense because with a track record like that Newty's going to need a younger woman to keep up with him, the old horn dog.

Oh, wait, she made him become a catholic. Well, that just means he's going to have to feel guilty for giving the fourth Mrs. Gingrich a ride on the bone pony before the third Mrs Gingrich's ticket is punched. Plus he'll probably have to drop a little extra sumpin sumpin in the collection plate to get the pope's official okey dokey before he gives Callista the big vade in pace.

So while all this Dominus Vobiscum stuff is going on, the Newtster started himself a 527 group to try and skim off some of that sweet sweet conservative luchre the family values crowd likes to drop when they hear the right words. Sort of like Pavlov's dogs except they tend to drool dead presidents.

Things were going along great until the group decided to give out an award to the Entrepreneur of the year. No big deal you're thinking, happens all the time. True, except this is Newt Gingrich, family values king and defender of America's virtue. So when he gives the award to a porno queen more than a few eyebrows were raised. If by eyebrows you mean...well, never mind. On a side note, the tickets for the awards banquet sold out in less than 20 minutes.

Well, needless to say this was a situation up with which Newt could not put. So Mr. Sanctity of Marriage has a sit down with Porno Lady and says we need to get something straight between us, but before they can consummate the issue Newt has to pull out and head over to the church because it's one of those catholic holy days and he promised Callista he'd show up and help the priest hand out the little jesuses at communion which he totally hates because every time someone walks up and sticks their tongue out it reminds him that democrats have taken over both Houses of Congress and there's a darky in the White House. The White House for chrissakes.

Now you're thinking yeah, yeah, another story about a republican saying one thing and doing another, family values blah blah blah, come here honey and sit on daddy's lap, it's not even Ironicus at its Maximus anymore.

And you'd be right except for one thing. He. Did. It Again.

Dawn Rizos, owner of The Lodge, which the Morning News calls "one of the best-known gentlemen's clubs in Dallas," was named an "Entrepreneur of the Year" by Gingrich's conservative group.

OK here's our suggestion, next time don't take your nominees out of Newt's address book.