BREAKING: Republicans Admit To Being Catholic; Pastor Hagee Shocked

We're coming to you today from the department of theological studies and youth camp here in the marbled halls of IM Central. As survivors of several years of grope free (our pastor happened to be an alcoholic and not a pedophile thankyouverymuch) spiritual retreats and teen dances as conscripts in the local CYO we feel uniquely qualified to comment on the latest Nancy Peolosi catholic church contretemps. Plus we can swear in Latin, Caniculaes!

House Republicans are demanding that Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) apologize for her recent comments on abortion, saying they “mangle Catholic Church doctrine.”

OK, first off we have to admit we thought the vatican was in Rome, not Washington, but that being said we have to admit we haven't been paying a lot of attention lately. On the other hand, who knows more about mangling than republicans?

Pelosi, a Catholic, said that the moment of conception has long been an issue of controversy in the Catholic Church. "That's an outright lie and a total misrepresentation of the church's position," said Archbishop Donald Wuerl. "We have never, ever, not even once wavered on when life begins. Just listen to what pope Benedict said just the other day:"

"The Magisterium has not expressly committed itself to an affirmation of a philosophical nature [as to the time of ensoulment]"

"'Not expressly committed itself.' Can we get any more clear? Wait. Is that the quote I asked for?"

New York Archbishop Edward Cardinal Egan said he was “shocked” by her comments. "Who'd of though she would actually have listened to what the pope said?" He added, "Who does that? We don't even do that."

Now, a group of 19 Catholic Republican House members are also expressing their outrage. In a letter sent to Pelosi, they write, “[Y]our knowledgeable claim about the history of the Church’s position on abortion shows you actually know church doctrine which interferes with our ability to call ourselves catholic without having the slightest idea what that means. By the way, who let you into our church anyway?”

Pelosi spokesman Brendan Daly issued a statement in which the Speaker stood by her comments. He said that not all Catholics believe that life begins at conception and cited St. Augustine, who said, "The law does not provide that the act [abortion] pertains to homicide, for there cannot yet be said to be a live soul in a body that lacks sensation."

Wuerl blasted Pelosi’s statement, saying the “philosophical discussion of St. Augustine’s time is not relevant today. I mean, sure he was one of the greatest and most revered thinkers in the history of the church, and yeah, he's a saint and all, but he was way off base here,” he told reporters. "Jesus was respected too, but look what happened to him when he spoke out against the party line. OK that's a bad example, but the point is, actual church doctrine is for us to interpret, not some uppity woman who probably thinks women can be priests."