Where's Bill Frist When You Need Him?

Hmm...seems like there are overlords, and there are Overlords. Now, we could compose an exegesis on the parallel between the overlords' desire to use the dogs to keep them from having to become actively involved in the employment market, and the Overlords' desire to use politicians to keep them from having to deal with a world full of non-christians, brown people and uppity women. We could discourse on how both are ultimately fantastical desires that, at base indicate a profound inability to deal with reality and see people (and dogs) as living creatures worthy of respect, compassion and sensitivity.

We could. But it's Monday, we're hung over and it's snowing out so let's just get on with it shall we?

A group of influential christian conservatives and their allies emerged from a private meeting at a Florida resort this month dissatisfied with the Republican presidential field and uncertain where to turn. "Look, we don't mind if you're a scruple free, pandering hypocrite," said Dr. James C. Dobson of Focus on the Family, "Just don't be so obvious about it. You hear what I"m saying, John?"

The event was a meeting of the Council for National Policy, but in a stark shift from the group’s influence under President Bush, the group risks relegation to the margins. Many of the conservatives who attended the event said they were dismayed at the absence of a champion to carry their banner in the next election. "We need to find a candidate who is just as disconnected from reality as we are, but how many times does a George Bush come along" asked Jerry Falwell. "I liked Giuliani at first, but now I"m pretty sure he has Teh Gay."

Many were also suspicious of former Governor Mitt Romney of Massachusetts; members have used the council as a conduit to distribute a dossier prepared by a Massachusetts conservative group about liberal elements of his record on abortion, stem cell research and gay rights and underwear. "We're not really sure he's a christian," said one conference attendee. "I mean sure, They've got the bigots and misogynists like us, but are they in control of the party...er...I mean the religion?"

"Hey, we supported Bush," said Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform. "Look where it got us." When asked if he was referring to the war, Norquist responded that the war "really isn't an issue" for him. At least not until the Abramoff matter is settled. "Who's in charge of the Justice Department is a lot more important to me right now, than a few dead brown people in Iraq," he added.

Some members of the council have raised doubts about lesser known candidates — Governor Mike Huckabee of Arkansas, and Representative Duncan Hunter of California who were invited to address an elite audience of about 60 members, and Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas who spoke to the full council at its previous meeting in Grand Rapids, Michigan. "These guys are second tier crazies," said an aide to Dr. Dobson, who asked not to be identified. "Well, that Brownback guy has some potential, but we just don't think anyone from Kansas can get elected."

Finally, in a measure of their dissatisfaction, a delegation of prominent conservatives tried to enlist as a candidate Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, a guest speaker at the event. "He can't leave the state for more than 24 hours without a Doctor's permission," said a spokesperson for the governor's office.

In the aftermath of the stinging defeats in the midterm elections, and with discontent over the Iraq war weighing heavily on the public, some christian conservatives worry that they may find themselves on the sidelines of the presidential race. "It's just not fair," said a spokesperson for Reverend Falwell. "The Bush administration is one of the most christian administrations we've ever had. Well, if you don't count an unnecessary war. And the illegalities. The corruption. Don't forget that. Oh, and the injustice and total disregard for the founding principles of this country. Other than that we're doing OK. If you don't count the deficit. Or global warming. What was my point?"

“Right now there is still a vacuum among conservative Republicans,” said Gary Bauer, a Christian conservative who was a Republican primary candidate in 2000. Conservatives, he said, “want a more provable conservative who also is demonstrating that they can put together the resources necessary to prevail. And plus, not look like a total loon to normal people.”