Just Don't Let Cheney Anywhere Near The Energizer Bunny

Oh yeah baby! That's what we're talking about! Look out Abdul, the goose that laid your golden egg of oil exports to the United States is about to go belly up. Our president has discovered alternative energy.

Saying the nation is on the verge of technological breakthroughs that would "startle" most Americans, president Bush outlined his energy proposals to help wean the country off foreign oil. "I was over talking to these scientist fellers the other day. They got this thing, it looks like a big light bulb and when you hold it up to the light the little fan inside goes around. Without any electricity or anything! Wish I'd known that before we invaded Iraq."

Half the crude oil used by refineries is produced in the United States, while 60 percent comes from foreign nations, Bush said during the first stop on a two-day trip to talk about energy. When told that added up to more than 100% Bush responded that the oil crisis was "worse than I thought."

Some of these foreign suppliers have "unstable" governments that have fundamental differences with America, he said. "We can't invade everybody," Bush continued. "You have no idea how bad the mileage you get in an tank is."

One of Bush's proposals would expand research into smaller, longer-lasting batteries." My iPod can go for days without a recharge. I was thinking, what if we put those batteries into cars and stuff?"

During his trip, Bush is also focusing on a proposal to increase investment in development of clean electric power sources. "I saw this great big ball thing, and when you touched it your hair stood up. I don't know what that's for, but it was really cool."

During his visit to Johnson Controls' new hybrid battery laboratory, Bush checked out two Ford Escapes — one with a nickel-metal-hybrid battery, the kind that powers most hybrid-electric vehicles, and one with a lithium-ion battery, which Johnson Controls believes are the wave of the future. "Do they have stereos," the president asked. "I got a real cool stereo in my truck back in Crawford."

While Bush is highlighting his budget proposals to help wean America from foreign oil, the lab he visited is meeting a $28 million shortfall by cutting its staff by 32 people, including eight researchers. "Those jobs weren't really lost," explained White House spokesperson Scott McClellan. "They're being done by some folks in India now at a third of the salary. Now that's American innovation."

"Our nation is on the threshold of new energy technology that I think will startle the American people," Bush said. "I walked into this room in the lab, and the lights went on without anyone even touching a switch. I about crapped my pants."

Bush visited the United Solar Ovonics Plant, which makes solar panels. "This technology right here is going to help us change the way we live in our homes," Bush told reporters. "Just like on the Jeffersons. Now there's a good show. That Elroy, he's one smart cookie. We could use him in one of these here labs when he grows up.

"Roof makers will one day be able to make a solar roof that protects you from the elements and at the same time, powers your house," Bush said. "Just like on Star Trek. I always liked that show. That transporter thing, that was great. Can we get one of those?"

Later a spokesperson for the White House explained that the president had meant the Jetsons, not the Jeffersons, and it had been explained to him that that it was just a cartoon.