Wednesday, January 11, 2006

To Be Fair, We'll Be Asking Kids In The Hamptons For Tips ta git tha bizzay cruise fo` yo money

See, this is why we didn't do well on tests when we were denizens of the educorporate parentis in loco. We'd come across questions like "If 6x - 3y = 30 and 4x = 2 - y then find x + y" and ask our instructional technician if penmanship counted.

Hey, do you have polynomials in your neighborhood?

Didn't think so. Speaking of neighborhoods.

Every 8-year-old in the state of New York will take a test. It's part of George Bush's No Child Left Behind program. The losers will be left behind to repeat the third grade.

Allow us to draw your attention to the fact that some of these eight year olds live shall we deprived environments...and yet...this question:

"The year 1999 was a big one for the Williams sisters. In February, Serena won her first pro singles championship. In March, the sisters met for the first time in a tournament final. Venus won. And at doubles tennis, the Williams girls could not seem to lose that year." And here's one of the four questions:

"The story says that in 1999, the sisters could not seem to lose at doubles tennis. This probably means when they played

"A two matches in one day
"B against each other
"C with two balls at once
"D as partners"

There are no tennis courts in the elementary schools of Bed-Stuy or East Harlem. But out in the Hamptons, every school has a tennis court. When asked to explain the apparent discrepancy and spokesperson for the New York Department of Education said, "We picked Venus and Serena because they're African Americans. Don't all African Americans know one another?"

The tennis centric test continues:

"Most young tennis stars learn the game from coaches at private clubs. In this sentence, a club is probably a

"F baseball bat
"G tennis racquet
"H tennis court
"J country club"

Helpfully, for the kids in the 'hood, it explains that a "country club" is a, "place where rich, mostly white people meet. You may work at one someday."

"Well, that's the point," the spokesperson explained. "Children who don't know what a country club is need to learn as early as possible that they don't belong there."

President Bush said,, " By passing the No Child Left Behind Act, we are regularly testing every child and making sure we identify potential service sector workers as early as possible."

In a related note, Evangelist Pat Robertson announced that God has a policy of identifying potential sinners before they are born and causing them to be born as minorities. "I asked God if he included the Jews in that group, but he said he'd have to get back to me as he had to go and get ready to smite the Saints if they didn't hire Donnie Henderson."

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