Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Hi Mom. It's Me. Oh, And My Eavesdropper Agent Smith

OK, this is getting serious. For the record, we'd just like to say to any government official who may or may not be listening, that we've always held the president in the highest regard and been fully supportive of his policies, even though it may appear otherwise from time to time. Please don't send us to Gitmo like these people:

Civil liberties groups fired double-barreled lawsuits at president Bush, challenging the legality of his domestic eavesdropping program and demanding its immediate suspension. "We knew a couple of days ago the suits were coming," said an NSA spokesperson who declined to be identified. "We picked it up on our regular sweep of targeted organizations...I mean our ongoing search for terrorist activity."

Both actions sought an injunction that would prohibit the government from conducting surveillance in the United States without judicial warrants. "Warrants are so pre 9/11," explained White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "Do you want civil liberties, or do you want to beat the democr...I mean the terrorists?"

"In reality, this surveillance reflects an attempt by the Bush administration to exercise unchecked power without the inconvenient interference of the other co-equal branches of government," Center for Constitutional Rights legal director Bill Goodman said. "Well, that and the fact that when he has Harriet Myers fill out the forms for him, she dots her i's with little hearts. Sort of takes away from the seriousness of the issue, if you get my drift."

Bush has justified the policy "'cause I'm the president and I can do what I wanna," and the White House dismissed the lawsuits as "frivolous. If you're not talking to a known Al-Qaeda member, a democrat, Cindy Sheehan, someone with connections to the film industry, labor unions or a member of any affiliated organization, Michael Moore, anyone who works for The Daily Show, or anyone who lives in Massachusetts, you don't have to worry about this," McClellan said. "Unless you're using a cell phone."

Bush has said the eavesdropping program is being scrutinized regularly to ensure it does not infringe on civil liberties. "I asked Dick just the other day if this was OK, and he said you betcha," the president said.

The New York Times on Tuesday reported that much of the domestic spying conducted by the NSA after the September 11, 2001 attacks was unproductive and led federal agents to dead ends or independent voters. "I don't see how you can say that," McClellan responded. "We've learned that Michael Moore orders take out a lot and Cindy Sheehan calls her mother mumsie. How are we going to win the war on terror if we can't collect useful information?"

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