Being President Would Be Fun If It Wasn't For All These Laws

Today we have a very special message to the nation. Please listen carefully. We know you have been upset because of the revelations concerning the president's warrantless wiretapping...er...terrorist surveillance program. We understand your concern. In fact we share it, or better said, we shared it because our minds are now put at rest, and as an Ironicus Maximus Public Service we will now ease your furrowed brow.

There is no need to lose any more sleep (or freedoms) over the president's domestic spying...er...terrorist surveillance...program because...perhaps you should sit down...are you ready? Because there is "no doubt" in the president's mind that it is legal.

Now, we're sure that America hating Osama lovers out there will ask how can the president be sure that with all the voices he hears in his head he is getting correct information from this one?

OK that's a tough one, but as White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "The president has been listening to these voices for a lot of years. He knows which ones to trust and which ones to ignore, and this is one he can trust."

"The program's legal, it's designed to protect my incompetence, and it's got lots of flashing lights to look at," Bush told a White House news conference. "Trust me on this. Have I ever lied to you before?"

Democrats have accused the president of breaking the law in allowing eavesdropping on overseas communications to and from U.S. residents. "The president is not above the law. He is not a king, he's a public servant and he must act within the law," said Senate minority leader Harry Reid.

Reid later apologized for saying the president isn't above the law and promised to wash the Vice President's car for a week.

Asked if he would support efforts in Congress to spell out his authority to continue the eavesdropping program, Bush cited what he said was the extreme delicacy of his mental state. "You don't know how hard it is for me to I AM THE WAR PRESIDENT YOU WORM. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! Excuse me, to keep control of the voices. They don't like to be contradicted."

"But it's important for people to understand that this program is so sensitive and so important that if information gets out to how we run it or how we operate it, it'll prove that we got nothing and are just on this huge fishing expedition," he said.

"We'll listen to ideas without laughing. In your face anyway. But I want to make sure that people understand that if the attempt to write law makes this program -- is likely to make this program constitutional, I'll resist it," he said.