Wednesday, January 25, 2006

As Long As I Get CSPAN In My Cell I'll Be Able To Do My Job

Say what you will about the Republicans, you can't deny they're focused. In fact they're so focused on solving the problems of this country they won't let a little thing like going to jail keep them from discharging their responsibilities in Congress.

Undaunted by speculation within his own party that he may have to quit Congress because of a corruption probe, Representative Bob Ney announced Wednesday he's running for re-election. "People who care about obeying the law and stuff have never been my greatest supporters," Ney said. "And law enforcement professionals haven't been too happy with me since I voted for changing the waiting period to buy a gun from three days to the 'time it takes to write up the bill.'"

Ney planned to hold his first formal campaign event Thursday. "It'll have to be at his house though, because the authorities don't want him leaving town for a while," a spokesperson explained.

Ney's popularity has hardly dimmed in his expansive rural district, even after he was identified in disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff's guilty plea as the central figure in Abramoff's scheme to bribe members of Congress. "We like Bob," a resident of the district said. "Sure he's crooked as a dog's hind leg, but he's our crook."

Ohio party chairman Bob Bennett's has said that Ney should resign if he's indicted. "If he's sloppy enough to get caught, it's time for some fresh blood," Bennett explained.

Earlier this month, Ney temporarily stepped down as chairman of the House Administration Committee. He acknowledged that his ties to Abramoff were a distraction from his duties. "Well, actually, people like Abramoff are the reason I came to Washington," Ney explained. "but now with this talk about ethics and reform, it's taking all my time just to make sure no fool goes and kills the golden goose, if you get my drift."

Two Republican members of Congress have moved to dissociate themselves from Ney. Senator Mel Martinez of Florida gave away $2,500 he had received from Ney and Representative Charles Boustany of Louisiana shed $10,000 Ney gave him.

"We should have been suspicious when the money was given to us in cash in shopping bags," said Senator Martinez. "But Ney told us that's the way things are done in Washington."

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