Don't Make Us Send Karl Rove Over There

You know, we have to agree with Secretary of State Rice. Here we are, running all over the globe spreading democracy like a two dollar whore spreads syphilis and what thanks do we get? None. Nada. Squat. Bupkus. In fact, after we finished blowing up Iraq so people could vote, they don't have the common courtesy to vote the way we want them to. It was easier to run the world when we backed dictatorships instead of democracies.

Hamas won a decisive majority in last week's Palestinian legislative elections. The group, which has political and militant wings, will now take a large role in governing the Palestinians. "Can you believe the nerve of those Palestinians electing whoever they please?" Secretary Rice exclaimed at a state dinner in Washington.

"Everybody is saying exactly the same thing," Rice said amid meetings with other diplomats on Hamas' startling election victory last week and its impact on Middle East peacemaking efforts. "We're tired of people voting for stuff we don't want. It's like they think they can do whatever they want in their country."

Rice has ruled out any U.S. assistance that might help Hamas become a positive force in the region. "We're big fans of the status quo," she explained. "There's been war over there for almost sixty years. We're not about to change horses in mid stream."

Hamas' unexpected electoral victory raised questions about the future of the peace process between the Palestinians and Israel. "We weren't moving towards peace with Fatah," said an Israeli representative. "Now we have to start all over again not moving towards peace with Hamas."

It is not clear that all European nations or the United Nations would cut off aid, let alone Arab governments that do not recognize Israel. "Plus we like sticking it to the Americans," said a representative of the Saudi government who asked not to be identified.

"I just think that anyone who is devoted to trying to bring Middle East peace between two states has an obligation to do what we want," Rice said. "We're a super power dammit. And it's time the rest of the world recognized that."

U.S. aid is a small part of the $1.6 billion annual budget of the Palestinian Authority. "That's not the point," Rice explained. "When you don't do what my husban...er...my president wants, you upset his world view and he thinks about invading another country. We don't want that now do we? Do we Syria?