But first a public service announcement from the good folks at the George Orwell Memorial Don't Look Over There Just Listen Photo Of The Day:
President Carter...er...we mean Bush called on the Americans to conserve energy by avoiding non-essential driving and "make sure at least one person on your Christmas list will get a nice wool sweater."
Dressed in his best Mr. Rogers cardigan, the president urged consumers to cut back to ease the pain of supply shortages on his friends who have yachts and private aircraft. He said federal employees should just stay home. "It's not like we're accomplishing a lot anyway," Bush said. "Why waste the resources?"
When asked if a ban on non-essential trips meant he would delay sending the next round of troops to Iraq and Afghanistan the president replied that the pentagon was "taking up a collection" among the troops to defray the cost of their transportation. "It's like when I went on road trips in college," Bush explained. "Everyone chipped in for gas."
The president also said the nation needed to relax regulations on the construction of new oil refineries. "What good is clean air and water if you can't put the top down and cruise, or drive to the beach?" the president argued. "Do you really want to get on a bicycle and wear one of those silly helmets? Cripe, half of you would probably have a heart attack in the first five minutes anyway...Hey...Where's my social security advisor? I've got an idea."
"We need additional refining capacity in order to meet the needs of the American people," Mr. Bush said. "I have a friend who is only able to drive his Hummer because he let his Mexican gardener go. He said even with the tax cut I gave him gas is just too darned expensive."
The President cautioned that as driving season gives way to fall and winter, consumers and businesses can expect heating bills "that'll make my bar tab look like a four year old's allowance."
The Energy Information Administration estimates the country will spend more on natural gas this winter than "ten Republicans at a golf outing combined," said an Energy Department official. "And if you're poor and live north of Florida...well...let's just say you'd better have a lot of wooden furniture, if you get my drift."
"I'm told by the experts we're running out of oil for our oil based economy," Bush said, "But I've made a career of not listening to people who actually know what they're talking about and you people keep reelecting me so I'm not going to start now. I just want to make it last at least until my administration is over, then I'm heading for Crawford and you're on your own. Want a tip? Buy a wood stove and a horse."