Thursday, September 15, 2005

Investigation? We Don't Need No Stinking Investigation

"I am not now, nor have I ever been an idiot," said Senator James Sensenbrenner in announcing the the senate would not establish an independent, bipartisan panel patterned after the 9/11 Commission to investigate the federal, state and local governments' FUBAR response to Hurricane Katrina.

"The last thing we need is some independent do gooder rooting around here trying to dig up dirt while we're trying to get the nation's business turned over to the private sector so we'll all have jobs if we don't get re-elected." He said.

When asked if republicans were resisting the calls for an independent panel for political reasons as they did with the 9/11 panel, Senator Trent Lott said, "That was different. Who knew that when the public found out the president had reason to believe an attack was imminent, and went on vacation they still wouldn't want him impeached. We don't want to go to that well too often if you get my drift. Besides, there are procedural problems with this bill."

When asked what those procedural problems were, Lott responded that the biggest problem is that "we'd have an investigation for crying out loud. How could it get worse than that?"

"We've put together a bipartisan committee to whitewash this latest Bush screw mean this naturally occurring meteorological phenomenon over which the federal government has no control, but the state and local governments screwed up royally," said House majority whip Tom DeLay. "And as soon as we can get a token democrat we've got some dirt on, we'll open hearings. Has Senator Lieberman cleared his schedule yet?"

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid rebuffed the bid by GOP leaders to create the committee. Reid has instead vowed that any bid by Republican leaders to establish a special bipartisan committee involving lawmakers from both House and Senate will go forward only if Democrats have equal representation. "Their first offer was to give us 3/5 of a vote." Reid said.

This was Congress' first step in investigating major gaps in the country's readiness and response systems that Katrina exposed. "Well, 'investigating' is such a strong word, when what we're really trying to do is avoid an investigation," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "How we doing so far?"

Senator Joe Lieberman of Connecticut, the top democrat who is really a republican on the committee, said the response to Katrina "has shaken the public's confidence in the ability of government at all levels to protect them in a crisis, but since we never wanted to do that anyway, I'd say things are going just about according to plan."

Other bills to cut federal red tape and otherwise make it easier to get aid to Katrina victims have hit a slow patch as lawmakers wrestle over how to work their tee times in around hearing dates.

"We'll get to it, said Senator Lieberman. "And if we don't, well the free market solves all problems eventually, doesn't it? And by the way, if those people in New Orleans are so poor, how come they can afford pets? Maybe if they hadn't had to feed a dog, they could have afforded a bus ticket out. Oh wait, there were no buses were there. My bad."

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